Food Battle 2012: Equestria
You guys thought If Smosh Were Ponies was over? F**k no! That's the only reason most of you have even come to like my stories!
Elijah awoke peacefully one fine morning to hear a loud pounding on the door.
“Go get the door, you son of a bitch!” A raspy female voice called out from a few rooms away.
“Love you too, mom!” Elijah rushed to the door, and flung it open. Nearly kneeling over in shock and excitement, he saw that Ian and Anthony from Smosh were standing there.
“OH MY GOD, IT’S SMOSH!” Elijah proceeded to do his ‘I’m so happy I just pissed myself three times’ dance. “You guys are like, famous on the internet!”
“Yeah,” Ian said cooly. “And we understand you wrote a fanfiction about us?”
“Yup!” Elijah beamed proudly. “It’s gotten over 10000 hits on FIMFiction! I’m really-” Ian and Anthony began to beat the shit out of Elijah with potted plants.
“OW! F**K! Stop it you guys!” Elijah crawled into a corner. “Why are you hurting me, anyway? I did a favor for you! You guys loved it in Equestria!”
“We know!” Anthony said, dropping the fern he was using to cream the 14 year old. “We loved it so much, we realized how much this world sucks! Send us back!”
Elijah was about to decline, but seeing Ian brandishing a potted magnolia was much more terrifying than I could ever put into words.
Elijah grabbed his pen, and began to write.
“Wait.” He stopped, looking at the two webstars. “You guys still have to do Food Battle 2012! How are you going to do that in Equestria?”
Ian smiled evilly. “We have something figured out. Hehe...”
Elijah shrugged, and wrote the two humans back into Equestria.
FOOD BATTLE 2012: EQUESTRIA! *cue explosions and flying monkeys*
Ian and Anthony landed in the middle of Sugarcube Corner, ponies once more. Ponies who remembered them from last time screamed and fled, but one stayed. The pink mare trotted forth, and kneeled before Anthony, bestowing the power of the Pink Frosted Sprinkled Cupcake upon him.
“We’re back in Equestria, and my newly aquired Pink Frosted Sprinkled Cupcake is gonna kick your lame Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut’s PLOT!” Anthony yelled.
“Bring it on, Fillyfooler!” Ian screamed back, and was just about to stuff his pink frosted donut in his mouth when Pinkie Pie shot forward and devoured it one gulp. “Aw...” Ian sighed sadly.
Standing in the field right in front of the Everfree Forest, Ian and Anthony prepared themselves for the challenges that lay ahead. Pounding their hooves into the ground, they grunted and snorted like idiots. The mane six would be presenting the challenges for them this fine evening, except for Pinkie Pie, who had done her part by bestowing the power of cupcakes upon Anthony.
“Alright, the first challenge is...” Twilight said dramatically. Ian and Anthony leaned forward, ready for anything. “A book. GO!”
Anthony looked at his cupcake, and threw it at Twilight. The mare caught it with her magic, and stared blissfully into the Cupcake’s basking glow. Bliss soon turned to horror, and she threw it into the dust. “Ugh! Cupcakes is a terrible story! It was so poorly written... ugh!” Anthony walked off in shame.
Ian giggled like a maniac, and threw his donut in the air. It came back to earth as the complete saga of 50 Shades of Grey. “FU-”
ANTHONY: 0
IAN: 0
***
“Alright, so yah both failed tha’ one,” Applejack said, looking the two over.
“Heh, your MOM failed that one!” Ian said, snortling at his lame joke.
“Mah ma is dead.” Ian fell silent.
“Anyways, next one is: who can buck the most apples with their food!”
Anthony grabbed his onion, before realizing that he wasn’t going to be using that food until 2019. He picked up his cupcake, and threw it at the apple tree in front of him. It hit the trunk with an unceremonious splat. “Aw, sh-” All of the apples fell off of the tree and perfectly into the baskets. “I mean, I knew that was going to happen!”
Ian stared his friend pegasus down. “You think you’re so great...” The unicorn hurled his donut at the tree. It bounced off, and into a nearby foal’s hospital, where it exploded. The screams of dying foals filled the air, along with the smell of bacon frying. “Oops...” Ian smiled goofily, and a light hearted laugh track played, barely drowning out the screams of dying ponies.
ANTHONY: 1
IAN: 0
***
“Alright, now, we’re going to see whose food can become the sexiest hands, so warm and soft, and fingery-” Rainbow Dash shoved Lyra out of the scene.
It was Rarity’s challenge now, and the group was standing on the edge of a rocky cliff face.
“Right, now, we’re going to see whose food can find gems the best!” Rarity said with a dazzling smile. Spike, who was carrying all the extra food, fainted, getting pink frosting all over himself.
“Heh, that wouldn’t be the first time Spike passed out from pleasure and got pink frosting all over himself!” Twilight said with a chuckle. This warranted some very odd looks in her direction.
“Right, um, anyway...” Rarity said, feeling a bit uncomfortable. “Uh... Go!”
Anthony grabbed the only undamaged cupcakes from the unconscious dragon’s body. He held the cupcake out, trying to scan for gems. A large gust of wind immediately knocked him off the side of the cliff.
Everypony assumed he had died, and was just discussing who would get his stuff when Anthony hoved back up. Apparently, everypony had forgotten he was a pegasus.
“God dammit, you guys can’t even-” A large boulder was blown off the cliff by another gust of wind, where it spackled Anthony right in the face. And chest, and testicles, and general body vicinity.
“Wow, that’s some strong wind,” Twilight commented.
Ian smiled. Now was his chance! Taking his donut, he let it roll on the ground. Following it until it fell on its side, he dug up the area underneath it. Pulling out something large and heavy, he grinned. This round was his!
It turned out just to be a giant bomb.
ANTHONY: 1
IAN: DED
***
After a stop back at Sugarcube Corner to get more pastries, and after a quick black magic resurrection, courtesy of Fluttershy and her cult, Ian and Anthony prepared themselves for Fluttershy’s challenge.
“Um... if it’s ok with you, I’d like you to make a nice, soft pillow for the wolfs who just got attacked by some weebos, and the poor things are still recovering.”
Anthony took his cupcake, and sprinkle glitter all over it. Grabbing some glue, he poured that all over the cupcake, and then wrapped it in toilet paper. After removing said toilet paper, the result was a large black pillow covered in spikes. “Darnit!”
Ian took his donut, and smashed it all over his face. He then rubbed his face all over Rarity’s mane. Rarity screeched, and grabbed a nearby frying pan to beat Ian merciesly. After his severe punishment, Ian walked down to the “Everything Except Fabric Softener” store, and bought a pillow.
ANTHONY: POTATO
IAN: 1
***
“Alright, since I get to do the grand finale, I’m gonna make it extra awesome!” Rainbow Dash smiled, her head high. “Whosoever food makes a sonic rainboom first, wins!”
Anthony took his cupcakes, kissed it, and jumped into the air, beating his wings as fast as he could. He immediately fell to the ground, smashing the cupcakes, and caught fire for good measure.
Ian licked his donut hole (giggity) and jumped in the air. He shot straight up, breaking the Sound Barrier and creating several sonic rainbooms. However, he didn’t stop there. The unicorn shot off into the sky, and straight to the moon. Landing down next to a dead Tom Cruise and killer whale, he saw Luna playing cards with Desmond the Moonbear.
“Luna?” Ian asked. “What are you doing on the moon again?”
Luna sighed. “Yeah, I accidentally saved over Tia’s half-life again.”
A man with brown hair and a green sweater, who was drinking a can of coke laughed. “Oh, Luna. When will you ever learn?”
Mari, as a ponified version of herself, popped out of a crater. “I’m also in this fanfiction!”
Ian and Luna got married on the moon, and lived a happy twenty seven minutes together before Ian dumped her for Tom Cruise’s dead body.
Anthony was rushed to Ponyville Hospital to be treated for his burns, where he died of Childhood obesity.
Edd escaped from the moon, and went on to star in his own Fanfiction written by Elijah.
Elijah grew up to become a hobo scrounging behind the McDonalds for scraps. He died at age 22 from uterine cancer.
A semi-solid, half transparent blonde haired man sat on the ground, overlooking Canterlot from a cave while tuning his guitar. He looked up, and said “I’m Kurt Cobain’s ghost, and I approve of this fanfic.”
THE END (For Realz)
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1301643 Unsure of all the AWESOME?
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Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell shoot.
The end still? Awwwww....
1301875 MERICA!
923775
I FUCKING LOVE YOU FOR MAKING THIS!!!
Guess what I'm gonna be reading all night!?!?
YOU'RE THIS AWESOME
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1306975 Hehe, thanks! This is my greatest literary accomplishment... But I'd also suggest checking out "Foals" or "Twilight Sparkle and the Infinite Sadness"! They are the ones I'm most proud of...
Anyway, enjoy the fic!
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1312162 Bet you weren't expecting this update!
1312293 Nope.
1312354 Tell me, twas it as epic as I envision?
1312367 Freakin' TWICE as epic.
1312428 FUCK YEA!
"Anthony grabbed his onion, before realizing that he wasn’t going to be using that food until 2019."
I'm going to wait for over seven years, and if this doesn't prove true, I'M COMING AFTER YOU.
"Edd escaped from the moon, and went on to star in his own Fanfiction written by Elijah."
REALLY?!
"Elijah grew up to become a hobo scrounging behind the McDonalds for scraps. He died at age 22 from uterine cancer."
Aww...
1316214 Yes, an Edd in Equestria fic is on it's way! It'll be the fic that will replace "Pewdiepie in Equestria" as my Saterday weekly fic.
Also, I have some inside info with Smosh. 2019 will, in fact, be a kumquat. I took some artistic license there.
And that's been a running joke since fifth grade. i've predicted that i'll grow up to be a hobo scrounging behind a McDonalds who will die at age 22.
1317627
A kumquat, you say? Okay, now I'm holding you up to THAT promise.
I'm not sure what just happened but I'm glad it did.
1319930 To be fair, it was total mindfuck.
1319971
An acceptable explanation.
o my god..... food battle 2012
1352579 They need to make my story into a Shut Up Cartoon.
1352622
that would be great
1410713 It's smosh, waddya expect?
Me 'lookes at the title of the first chapter.''
dafaq is this?
1415084 Milk was fucking sexy. Don't try and say otherwise.
Ok this was hilarious
1416453 Thank ya, thank ya...
1418842 SWAG
1418861 Laziness at it's prime.
1432591 Nope.
922926 THIS-IS-PONIES! ~Banned you from internets~
926461 I see what you did there.
Poor cmc
1493787 Coincidentally, a Tobuscus in Equestria fic is in the process...
1493865 Some scary shit, bro
1529835
1530813 AND THEN SEX HAPPENED
1534599 I am in fact Elijah Goldberg.
1537963 Nothing's showing up.
YO NAME IS ELIJAH GOLDENBURG
O^O
lol, random epicness