I hope I can edit this later because I don't know what to put right now.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon decide to play a prank on Applebloom by drawing a fake cutie mark on her. What is supposed to be a time of celebration turns sour. Does a cutie mark define who you are or do you define what your cutie mark is? And can you change what you're expected to become? One thing for certain is that answering this will send Equestria into chaos.
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Heh, I've had a tab open for like two weeks with EqD's listing for this story. I never seem to get around to reading the Google Docs ones, though, so now that it's here maybe I'll finally actually read it.
Oh my wocks and hoop soons*, it's been an age since I checked up on this story; glad to see you've kept up with it! I'm afraid I've not read the whole thing yet (I read chapter 1 waaay back when it was first posted on EqD, but after that I'm afraid I rather let things slide, and now I've just read chapter 7 without reading any of the bits in between. 'Myes. What can I say, someone in the EqD comments mentioned Nightmare Bloom, and my interest was piqued), so I've not much to note, other than that I love some of the little background details you tossed in here; Luna's social awkwardness and Spike's oddly parental moment were both quite nice. More comprehensive impressions, however, shall be shortly forthcoming once I've made my way through the rest of your story. I've enjoyed what I've read so far; hopefully this gets more attention from the discerning brony public at large!
moar
remember the Cutie Mark Crusaders
, i will take a note of that song and sing it with my friend on next bronie con that we visit
Many of first paragraphs are not separated, but others are. I'd recommend fixing this. Also, ponies don't celebrate "Halloween," they celebrate "Nightmare Night" ;)
An interesting story so far. Sad that it hasn't gotten much attention. I think the first few paragraphs in the first chapter put some people off; although they do inform you about the setting, they aren't providing much essential information, and a lot of the sentences are awkwardly worded. This conflicts with the writing style of the rest of the piece I've read so far. Anyway, I'll probably provide more feedback once I read more chapters. Really I just wanted to point out the spacing thing and the Halloween thing.
...also, I do have to wonder why she didn't just use her CMC cloak. That's fridge logic for me, though xD
I was expecting this story to be nice and simple, slice-of-life story that most MLP:FiM episodes are. Now it looks to be turning into an epic battle struggle. This is disappointing. I feel deceived and tricked. Pretty much everything after the introduction of Innocence seems very rushed and a lot of it seems too forced. I'm going to continue following this in hopes of it getting better, but now I want a story that's basically the first few chapters of this but without all the ultimate evil catastrophe stuff, just a prank that goes awry. For some reason I was expecting more "slice-of-life, prank goes a bit further than expected and Apple Bloom & CMC learn a lesson about how nothing is set in stone and how forcing yourself to get a cutie mark is a bad idea, except CMC as usual ignores the lesson."
Meh. I'm sure some people will like it, but I've already read a bunch of "epic evil story catastophe" fics which are, no offense, just better written. It seems Chapter 7 ends on a major turning point, though. For all I know you could turn it into a damn-good "epic evil-fighting quest" fic.
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Yeah, I just noticed the paragraphs thing. I went back to fix chapter 2 but it just messed up again as soon as I saved the editing. Apologies for that. I'll try and fix it again.
The first few chapters were written a while ago (the first -six- chapters were written months ago), admittedly when I wasn't as good a writer as now. And it being a while ago, it was published on EqD BEFORE Season 2 which is why it says Halloween. I changed that though.
Could you give me some examples of awkwardly worded sentences so I can fix them?
I might rewrite the first few chapters when I have the time. I re-edited them, but it seems I haven't done enough. As for Innocence's rushed/forced introduction and thereafter, I'm not sure if later information on her/it will make it any better but I doubt it will. Which bits are off? What do you think would make it seem less forced?
Applebloom's CMC cape is at the farm, which she didn't want to go back to juuuuust yet. :)
I apologise that this isn't the Slice of Life you were expecting, but the picture and 'One thing for certain is that answering this will send Equestria into chaos' in the description kind of said otherwise. Or maybe you didn't want to spoiler yourself, hehe. I can't really apologise for tricking or deceiving you though. And I don't want to promise that this will be a 'good "epic evil-fighting quest' fic.' One, I might say too much and two, what I might say might still not live up to your expectations.
I must admit that I did play with the idea of the fic just being what you said, but for my first pony fic, I wanted to explore more of the characters and get a grip on some longer storytelling.
I hope I cleared things up. Your feedback is very useful but would be more useful with some examples. Maybe over the messaging system here? I understand if you're too busy though.
943632
Honestly I don't know why I expected it to be Slice of Life. The tags suggested otherwise. I thought the "plunge Equestria into chaos" thing was hyperbole/dramatic flair, but it was quite literal xD really my bad. The first few chapters just gave no hint to the action to come, which I think would have been good for most readers who actually understood the tags/description. Failure on my part
As for awkward sentences, here are two examples. "These strangers took in their surroundings with judgemental eyes and an upturned nose." "an upturned nose?" Do they share a nose? This sentence also tripped me up a bit: "The ever present peace cracked at their voices, which were whiny and high-pitched due to them continuously receiving whatever they wanted whenever they wanted." I would have rearranged it or at the very least reworded it. Maybe something like "Their voices, whiny and high-pitched, shattered the ever-present peace." Perhaps include the "whatever they wanted whenever they wanted" bit in another sentence, or word it in some amazing way I haven't thought of. As it stands, you have worded it so that the voices themselves receive whatever they want whenever they want.
I think part of the reason I thought it would be like how I thought it would be is because the concept would make an amazing ACTUAL MLP:FiM episode, at least in my opinion. I had begun to feel that it was one of those fics that would work as an ordinary episode and then it was shattered by all this... well, stuff that works in a fic but would never happen in real episodes. Probably something that doesn't happen for most. Sorry if my comment earlier seemed harsh. I think I was just in a bad mood for unrelated reasons.
943788
No, no! I don't think you were harsh. I was only curious. Thank you for the examples. I'll get to them as soon as I can. That's the problem with hiatuses... writing styles can change and improve over that amount of time. Like, I've learned that less can say more which is probably why the first few chapters seem a bit off. I suspect if I was to rewrite the whole thing, it would flow better.
What you said would make a good episode! I think I'll go for a slice of life kind of story after this. Short and sweet.
I'm really sorry, but you lost my attention around chapter 5 or 6
The story just isn't intriguing me.
Again, sorry, not trying to hurt your feeling or anything, I just don't want to drop the story and not say anything, would seem rude to me.
So... what happened to Diamond Tiara and silver spoon
1232104
I have plans for them.
Okay, I have to say, I have read this story and while it started nice, you have had a tendency in the last chapters, especially the latest one, to write a lot of things that really should be skipped alltogetter.
I think that close to 90% of chapter 8 is redundant and consequently boring, please consider rewriting it.
I read this ages ago on Equestria Daily up to something like the third or fourth chapter or something, and I never saw the story in any of the update posts after that. Then a few weeks ago, this showed up with a part eight in the updates post to remind me it existed, so I found it here and put it on my read later until I finished it just now. What even happened all that time? Was I just coincidentally missing all the update posts this was in, or have you been on a long hiatus?
And by the way, after all this time I am greatly interested in the direction this took, particularly this Nightmare Bloom thing. You don't get many comments, so I read all of them, and I personally disagree with the pacing complaint. I think the speed it moved with after Innocence was introduced helped prevent it from getting too boring, though it did still get a bit slow at times, and I actually like the focus on Spike in the most recent chapter.
In short, I don't really have any major complaints, and the story's actually pretty good in my opinion. It definitely deserves more attention that it's gotten.
Hello, my name is MlpLover65. I am a fellow YouTuber. I was wondering if together, we could turn your Fanfiction into an audio drama. If you want to talk everything out with me, contact me here: rileybethsoleil@aol.com
But, if you deny, you can simply just answer this comment:)