The Real Pony Ghostbusters

by Belligerent Bindlestiff

Something Strange!

“We live in a world of magic, everypony has some form of it. The world, if left unchecked, has magic that could go wildly out of control, Pegasi keep check on the weather, and earth ponies helps keep civilization separated from the outskirt regions such as the Everfree Forest at bay.” A unicorn mare was giving a speech from behind a podium to an audience of older pony professors.

“Unicorns are always researching new ways to improve the lives of everypony in and outside of Equestria.” Her voice was as firm as her blue coated tall frame. She wore her pink mane in a bun and had red glasses to complete the scientist look. “Science is about making sense of the world around us, but sometimes we have to push ourselves further to understanding this world.” She nodded to a unicorn stallion off to the side. He then used his magic to turn down the lights and turn on a slide projector.

“There are things that have gone on beyond equine understanding, things that most ponies don’t want to know about.” The mare said.

As a slide flickered into view, a gaseous cloud in a photograph of an abandoned manor. Murmurs came from the audience.

“We need to get past our fear of entities that exist beyond the realm of the living.” She continued.

“Dr. Neutrona,” a crumbling old voice spoke from the crowd. “The problem isn’t that we doubt that things may or may not exist.”

////

Blocks away, from the university, at the Manehattan Public Library, an old mare with grey curled mane began her descent into the less populated corridors of the building, pushing her cart of books at a slow pace. Only the occasional squeak from a wheel could be heard as she continued moving along the carpeted floors. Unbeknown to her, the card catalogue drawers began shooting out their contents.

////

“They, nor anything from the other side have ever bothered us.” The old professor said. “Any attempts to interact with the other side have always led to gross abuses in magic Dr. Neutrona.”

“We can’t just hide behind our fears,” Neutrona replied. “Science can’t be held back.”

////

The fluttering sound of the library card catalogue finally caught the old librarian’s attention. She moved as fast as her hooves could carry her through the corridors. By now, panic had overtaken her; she’d begun to move through the aisles aimlessly, only the thought of escape mattered. She should have remembered her way out, but when books began to swarm her like bats, capacity for rational thought went out the window.

Her heart wasn’t meant for this sort of terror, librarians weren’t supposed to be chased around by Celestia knows what.

////

“Furthermore.” Dr. Neutrona added. “While you might be concerned with how ponies might abuse this research, shouldn’t you also be worried about what might happen if something from the other side took notice of us?”

////

Out of breath, the librarian had been forced into a clearing from the book cases before looking up at the glowing entity. The both of them shrieked.

////

In an office that was filled with clutter and snacks, an orange pegasus stallion with a brown mane sat across from an earth pony mare. His cutie mark was three cards, two face down and the middle one face up with a question mark.

“You know, it’s often easy to forget that non-unicorns actually have a pretty strong magical force about them.” He said. “Unicorns always get all of that attention with their flashy spells, but we’re here to see if there’s more to us than growing plants or moving clouds.”

The pink mare with a blonde mane looked inquisitively at the setup for the experiment. “So, am I supposed to guess what is under the buckets Dr. Swift Guess?”

“Already on the right track Pristine Pic.” The orange stallion said. “Now, let’s begin.” He grabbed a clipboard with his wing. And they moved over to the experiment.

“Now, use your hooves to figure out what I’ve put under the buckets.” Swift said.

Pristine Picture stood before the first bucket and stamped her forelegs firmly in front of her. Swift looked down at the answers on his clipboard.

“There’s a ball under this one.” Pristine Picture said.

Swift Guess looked at the answers, there was a coffee mug labeled to the corresponding bucket. “Hmm.” He said in response.

“A cupcake?” Pristine asked.

A horseshoe.

“A starfish?”

A pen.

“This is quite interesting Ms. Picture.” Swift said. “You’re pretty darn good at this. Next one?”

“Umm, some spaghetti?” Pristine Picture asked.

A ball of yarn.

“Incredible.” Swift Guess said. “I think you may ‘have it’.”

“Really?” Pristine Picture replied.

“Sure, you may well be on your way to honing a trans-material scrying technique.” Swift said. “I’ll need you to come over to my apartment this evening. I think your hooves can be put to good use for developing your sixth sense.”

Just then, the short green unicorn from the presentation came bursting into the office.

“Dr. Swift Guess, this is it!” he said, full of excitement.

“Dr. Valence, I was in the middle of an experiment here.” Swift said, scowling at his colleague. His own scientific cutie mark contrasted Swift’s. Valence’s had two circles, one with an orbiting dot on the outer one.

“You don’t get it.” Valence said. “Somepony just came galloping over here, raving that something had gone down that the Manehattan Public Library. An old mare had passed out in one of the basement levels.”

Swift looked un-interested, but Pristine Picture grew concerned at the exchange.

“Apparently, something really scared her. They’re saying it might have been a ghost!” Valence said.

“Old ponies do that, Vay, they get scared all the time actually.” Swift Guess said. “What with the reaper around every corner.”

“You’re missing the point, this is a new chance to investigate a ghost sighting!” Valence said.

“Look Vay, ghosts have always been you and your sister’s thing. I’m a little busy here anyways.” Swift said.

“Gotcha.” Valence said with a wink. “Miss, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to borrow Dr. Swift Guess, we’ve got a very special case we need to look over. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s already made a special appointment with you at his apartment.”

Pristine Picture looked at Swift flatly, and then turned to leave. Swift Guess only let out an aggravated sigh as the mare left the office.

////

The two stallions made their way down the streets of Manehattan, one overly excited and the other quite miffed.

“I still don’t know why you keep dragging me to all of these ‘suspected hauntings’, it’s getting old Vay.” Swift said.

Valence was levitating a book as they walked. “We have to discern truth from fiction.” He said. “Tobin did that all the time, it’s the only way we can be sure we’ll get some accurate readings.”

“Yeah, and how many accurate readings do we keep getting of liars and bad piping?” Swift asked. “You’d think your sister would be sick of so many false positives.”

“Neutrona knows the scientific process can be a long and arduous one to prove a theory.” Valence said. “She’d just given a speech to try to get more ponies on board with our studies when we found out about the incident.”

“You still haven’t explained why you need me.” Swift said. “I was fine doing my own research.”

“You’re a doctor of parapsychology, not anatomy.” Valence said. “Not many ponies are experts in your field.”

“I thought that major was going to help me psycho-analyze ponies mid-flight.” Swift Guess said. “I had dreams of being the first shrink who had a midair office. What with the ‘para’ in the name.”

“And you never thought that maybe you were in the wrong field of study?” Valence asked.

“I was in too deep.” Swift said. “I was on cruise control all those years, and every time I mentioned my major to mares, they always took an interest.”

Valence rolled his eyes. “Well, you’re our expert when we make contact with entities from beyond, so you’re along for this and the department.”

“Vay, I hope you know I have a psychology degree as well, so in case all of this ghost nonsense, or any weirdness for that matter, ever tanks, I can just get a nice cushy office and be a normal pony shrink.”

“You forget Swift, I’ve been present for every breezie migration. And I noticed that fluctuation 3 years ago that has never been repeated since.” Valence said with a determined look. “They flew twice their altitude! Probably due to some sort of leyline shifting when they altered their path through the Unicorn Mountains.”

“Vay, the breezies were ten feet above the ground.” Swift replied.

The two of them had entered the library and found their colleague with some sort apparatus on her horn. The mare had a cutie mark or three arrows, a blue one pointing upward and red and greens ones pointing downward

Neutrona was scanning the area until Swift approached. “You know, you’re just giving more fuel for those tinfoil hat wearers.”

“There’s definitely something going on here, Swift.” She replied, taking off the apparatus. “Something is coming up on the sensors.”

“Are you sure that thing didn’t just cut the circulation to your brain?” Swift asked.

Neutrona rolled her eyes and made her way over to the other side of the library with Swift and Valence. There, an old grey mare was lying down.

“I thought you kids were playing another joke on me.” She said.

“We were all upstairs." Another librarian said.

“Then what in the name in Celestia did I see?” the older mare replied.

“That’s what we were hoping you could tell us.” Valence said.

“I thought it was a pegasus at first because it was in the air, but then I saw that it didn’t have any wings.” The victim said. “But then I saw its ragged clothes floating in the air and that…pony’s eyes were glowing!” her words were speeding up.

“And then it screamed at me! Oh, this is not what I asked for when I took this job! I was on my way to retirement. They aren’t going to take my retirement benefits, away are they? I’m not crazy!” The librarian had sat up and grasped at Swift Guess.

“Nopony is going to throw me in the looney bin?” the librarian asked, wide eyed.

“Not unless you start eating the books around here.” Swift replied.

Neutrona had been immersed in another scan during the talk and ushered Swift and Valence downstairs.

Through the corridors of shelves, the scientists moved with nothing appearing out of the ordinary. Valence was already beginning to show an uneasiness.

“I know it’s a library, but boy does it feel quieter than it should be.” Valence said. “Whoa.”

They had come upon the scene where disorder had set in. Cards and books laid strewn about everywhere.

A slimy substance coated the objects.

“So the rusty old librarian had an allergy attack and sneezed.” Swift said. “Either that or-“

“Its ectoplasmic residue Swift.” Neutrona said and levitated a small container. “I’m going to need a sample.”

“Be my guest.” Swift said. “I am not getting that stuff on my wings. You’re the one with telekinesis.”

They turned the corner to find the floating apparition in its ragged attire, each of the scientists’ eyes grew wid.

Swift was the first to shake himself from the stupor. “Oh come on, it’s probably somepony just really committed to the act. They’ve probably hung around Neutrona’s lectures long enough to know what we’re looking for.”

He’d begun to make his way over to the entity. Valence and Neutrona looked on in concern, but the mare continued using her PKE meter to continue scanning.

“Hello Ms. Ghost.” Swift said. “You must be really into other ponies, and I get that. You did a pretty good job scaring that librarian. So good, in fact, that we should talk about it over dinner, just take off the makeup and we’ll let this slide.”

The librarian raised a hoof and shushed Swift.

“Committed to the crazy, so that’s a no for dinner.” Swift said as he turned around to the others. Swift didn’t notice the mare behind him growing larger and larger, her mouth opening to expose sharpened teeth.

Neutrona and Valence pointed, only for Swift to casually turn around to notice the now hostile ghost.

“Oh, so you are real?” Swift said. “Run!” The scientists bolted out of the sublevel and make a mad gallop out of the library, bewildering those they passed by.

////

“Okay, okay, so I’ve got to admit it. Ghosts are real.” Swift said.

The group was back at Manehattan University, Valence was eating from a large bag of kettle corn he held in the air. “This is astounding! We have to the first ponies in history to get solid evidence of ghosts!” He munched down several pieces of his snack, chewed haphazardly, and continued his rant.

“We might actually begin to enter a new era of arcane science!”

Neutrona had her own bag of kettle corn floating about her along with other tools as she performed her calculations.

“This is big.” She said, approaching the others. “The data seems to indicate a consistency of spectral anomalies. There’s a base quality to corporeal entities that my allow us to directly affect their field of existence.”

Valence was shocked.

“Speak normal please!” Swift said.

“There may be a way we can capture and contain ghosts, Swift.” Valence said.

“Whoa, you’re serious, aren’t you Neutrona?” Swift asked.

“Science deems that I be serious.” Neutrona replied.

“How are you two even in the same family?” Swift asked.

But before the siblings could retort, an angry old stallion came trotting through the crowds of students.

“Dean Hayger!” Valence said.

“So, after we told you not to pursue these studies, you do the exact opposite and go investigate reports of ghosts?”

“Seems weird, the university would even allow parapsychology as a field of study.” Swift said.

“That is a theological and philosophical branch of research, Dr. Swift Guess.” Hayger replied. “We are not going to come under the scrutiny of Princess Celestia’s Anti-Necromancy Bureau! As of immediately, you will cease all actions and are hereby terminated!” the deans eye twitched with that last statement.

“Easy there,” Swift said. “Keep that up and we might have our newest ghost to study.”

////

“So what are your plans for keeping us homeless?” Valence asked.

“Look, obviously we can actually do something with the theories that you and Neutrona made, so we’ve just go to get this project off the ground.” Swift said as the three of them wheeled their lab equipment down the streets of Manehattan.

“You mean catching ghosts?” Valence asked.

“Nopony is going to be in direct competition with us, so we can probably liquidate a few assets to get this business off the ground.” Swift said.

“A few might be a bit of a stretch.” Neutrona said. “The majority of materials I’ll need are pretty to hard to come by. The containment grid Vay and I are going to make is going to need a lot of capital as well.”

The trio had passed into the financial district of the city when Swift brought them to one of the buildings.

“Let me guess, you’ve never taken out a mortgage, have you?” Swift asked as he opened a door.

“Mom and dad aren’t going to be happy about this.” Valence said, giving a worried look to his sister.

////

Without many options, the scientists were forced to take up residence with Swift. Three ponies lived in an already cramped apartment. Nuetrona was already soldering components of her inventions with the help of Valence.

“Not my ideal weekend, but if it helps get us back on our hooves, I’m for it.” Swift said. “So, how are you two going to catch ghosts with this stuff, I guess all you’d need would be a spell, and blam!”

“Spells might endanger us if we were to attempt to use our own direct magic on such entities.” Valence said. “Besides, were not the only ones who are going to be catching ghosts.”

Neutrona held up a small, dark grey device that had five red lights on it. “You’ve talked so much about it, but it makes sense, Swift. Everypony has an ambient amount of magic, so we designed this equipment to work for anypony.”

She then put it on like saddlebags. “It’ll channel magic through your cutie mark to help convert it into a stream of charged proton particles.” She pulled out a diagram she’d drawn.

“Ghosts have a field around them which can be disrupted and grasped by a charged stream of protons. Once restrained, they can be captured by a special container made of metals and crystals which line the trap.”

“That’s fine and dandy” Swift said. “But you’re calling it a proton ‘stream’. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have a horn to direct energy.” He put a hoof to his head for emphasis.

Neutrona rummaged through the gear that had been assembled and pulled out an irregular looking device. “I told you, we won’t be using spells, so we’ll be using these to channel the proton stream, the neutrona wand.

“It’s nice to see you’re being so humble about the names of your inventions.” Swift said.

"Inventors do it all the time.” Neutrona replied, setting the wand back down. She then levitated a snack cake from a box, unwrapped the coconut covered treat, and ate.

“Oh come on, was that the last one?” Valence asked. “You’ve already had at least half the box!”

“How is it you keep that lean figure?” Swift asked.

“Probably genetics.” Vay grouchily replied, opening a box of chocolate cupcakes. “You got the better end of the family traits.”

Valence then brought out another device, a pair of goggles. “Since you were so critical of my PKE meter, I went ahead and merged the tech of the portable device with one that anypony can wear. I give you the PKE goggles.”

She passed them over to Swift, who put them on. “So now we can track ghosts by looking through these.” He said to clarify. The pegasus looked about his apartment when his attention directed back at Neutrona.

“These aren’t forensic, are they?” he asked, pulling the goggles off.

“They should be only able to pick up otherworldly wavelengths and substances.” Neutrona replied while she rummaged for another piece of equipment. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” Swift replied.

Valence placed a box onto the table. “These are the traps that we’ll use to catch the ghosts.”

Swift picked up the box with yellow and black stripes. “If these are what we’re catching them in, its gonna clutter up the place.”

“No, we’ll be installing the containment grid at wherever we can set up shop.” Valence said.

////

“Hey, it’s the best we can do after the two of you spent almost every bit on our gear.” Swift said.

“I think it looks great for the amount its being offered for.” Valence said, looking around the building.

The three of them were led by a real estate agent through a decrepit building that had once belonged to a branch of the Manehattan fire department, until that organization actually started receiving tax money.

Neutrona looked over the firehouse with a look of disdain. “If I sneeze now, would the building fall apart?” she asked. “And would it be cheaper then?”

“I can assure you that this is the best building in your price range.” The griffon said, adjusting his tie.

“Wait, they left the pole installed!?” Valence said, as he bolted up the stairs, leaving a cloud of dust.

He then immediately slid down the fire pole and rejoined the others. “We’ll take it!”

“Excellent.” The real estate agent said.

////

It had been a long day, but home was in sight for Coco Pommel as she made her way to her apartment building. Working in the fashion industry was difficult on many days, but she’d pull through and break out soon enough.

Still, her current work allowed her a pretty great deal in this building. The earth pony carried her groceries upstairs and walked down the hall to her apartment.

Just before she could open her door, one further down the hall opened, and a beige earth pony with thick framed glasses emerged.

“Oh, hi Ms. Pommel!” he said. “I hope you got the invitation to our floor’s session of Ogres and Oubliettes, ponies have begun to RSVP!

“I did get your invitation, Poindexter.” Coco said. “I’m just so busy with my projects that I don’t think I”ll be able to join you.”

“Oh.” He said, disappointed. “Well, that’s fine.” Poindexter recovered his tone. “And hey, if your schedule clears up, we’ve got all sorts of characters rolled up for any newcomers!”

“That’s very thoughtful,” Coco said to the bifocaled pony. “You obviously put a lot of effort into this event.”

“Thanks, and you’re very cool yourself.” Poindexter said. ‘You’re not like other ponies that think our game is about summoning demons or something.”

The two parted ways and Coco entered her apartment to start her chore of putting away groceries. On her floormat, there was today’s newspaper. Wrapped around it was a special ad that had been taken out.

Paranormal Investigation and Elimination: Ghostbusters (send message via magic coupon attached, at your convenience!) We’re ready to believe you!

“Everypony’s out there trying to make a name for themselves, just like you Coco.” She said to herself and continued into the apartment. She thought about her projects that she wanted to complete and show the world.

Dresses and an array of clothing were everywhere on display, so many things she wanted to be part of her “break out” set. She put down her groceries on the counter to once again look at her work.

While she was ruminating, the eggs she’d bought began to stir. They leapt out of their shells, the surface of the counter began to sizzle as if it were a stovetop.

Coco’s nose caught the smell of fried egg and looked to see that her groceries had begun to prepare themselves. “What the hay?”

The eggs, in their semi-fluid form, then grew feet and formed into small, quadrupedal creatures that slowly scrambled towards her.

Coco shrieked and rolled up the newspaper she’d picked up earlier. The mare swatted at the mini abominations. After her kitchen was covered in an unmoving mess of eggs, she then heard a growl emanate from her fridge.

Coco readied the newspaper and slowly opened the fridge, only to find an orange, glowing skyscape had replaced its contents.

A bizarre structure, similar to a pyramid floated in the distance. On each side of the path leading up to the building were two terrifying looking creatures.

Coco stared in silence at the menacing marvel until one of the creatures opened its maw and spoke in a guttural voice. “ZUUL!”

Coco kicked the door shut, screaming and bolted from the apartment.

Comments

[A Torn-Up Note]

I'll give you a mark for creative thought, but now we're all beating on a dead horse when it comes to this crossover.
(Get it? Dead Horse?)

[Belligerent Bindlestiff]

8459323
Oh, I was hoping it would raise spirits around here.

[A Torn-Up Note]

8459361
LOL! That's a good one!

[Shifter489]

Coco’s nose caught the smell of fried egg and looked to see that her groceries had begun to prepare themselves. “What the hay?”

Language!

[Shifter489]

“Oh, so you are real?” Swift said. “Run!” The scientists bolted out of the sublevel and make a mad gallop out of the library, bewildering those they passed by.

Get her!