Star Wars: Rogue Pun

by Barrobroadcaster

Chapter 3: Sweet and Salty

The roar was so loud it cracked the glass of Brett's instrument panel. The viewport was thick but even it wouldn't stand up to the force of the Ursa's roar, or its teeth. He swallowed, his heart was racing and his entire body was cold. The Ursa Major could eat him and his ship in a single bite.

The bear groggily worked his ship over in its fingers, examining it. The translucent fur of the bear squeezed the hull, but fortunately caused no further damage. The spinning, however, was beginning to make him feel dizzy as the inertial compensators struggled to keep up with the random motions.

He dared not touch the controls. His mind raced with possibilities. He could try to fire his weapons, but he didn't even know what was still online. He could try to radio for help, but he didn't know if anyone even could or if the commlink worked. He couldn't jump to hyperspace or escape with the colossal purple space bear holding him between its fingers. His only good fortune was that the bear, for whatever reason, had yet to either squish his craft or discern whether or not it was edible.

Maybe he should go down fighting. Let the bear eat him, blow it up from the inside out somehow. That idea involved getting eaten, so he didn't like it, but maybe he was on the right track. It didn't help that most of his instruments were dead... but wait! That was it- he could play dead! His fingers shook, but were steady. Brett switched off everything he could quickly, deactivated the engines, the weapons, even the shields. Sealing his helmet, he attached the emergency air supply and mask and turned off the life support. He had two hours of air with the rebreather system.

Brett's Y-Wing went completely dark. The Ursa Major must've been in the process of deciding whether or not to eat it; she sniffed him. His cockpit canopy was nearly taken off by the suction of the bear's nostril, not a pleasant feeling. What could he do now? Where could he go?

"Arrreee... arrrrrmm. Hmmf." The bear's breath fogged the outside of his view port. And then he felt the sickening feeling of something brush on it, scraping his lower hull. The Ursa's tongue. It licked his ship, sparking off what remained of his deflector shields. That sent an small electric pulse through his Y-Wing which briefly powered his cockpit.

"...and this is why I don't understand Gator fans."
"Look man, you just said to prove we had the guts to call, we had to call. I'm a Gator fan and I'm-"
"But that's it. You're calling just to call, I don't think that alone proves you have the guts to call."
"I'm LITERALLY calling you right now, I'm a Gator fan and I-"

"Crap." The radio turned on. Some random sports talk show was being broadcast. How could his ship even be picking it up in the middle of an asteroid belt? Maybe if he turned it to a music station, the Ursa Major might listen to his ship like a music player. If she held him up to her ear, it would at least be better than her mouth, he hoped.

But it was too late. "Rrrgghh... Arrrr!" The Ursa Major snarled. Tired with him, it opened its mouth to bite his ship in half. Brett saw her teeth, all of her teeth. And just as it was about to devour him, it stopped.

*Sniff. Sniff sniff sniff. Snifffffffffffffff.* The bear's nostrils sniffed so hard he could feel the suction on his ship. And then he was released. The bear let him go, releasing him to float freely in space. The Ursa leaped off the rock it was on to some other point. Brett twisted to see it.

Giant blue and purple starry bodies, the entire horde of Ursas were jumping off their rocks in other direction. They were after some sort of tiny, sparkling glints Brett couldn't even make out at this distance.

"Brett! Brett, are you seeing this?"
"They're gone! They're all gone!"
"Wooohooo!"

"What is it? What happened, where are they going?" His answer landed right on his Y-Wing's nose.

"Hi Brett!"

"Derpy! Oh, thank Force!"

Her giggling smile was visible even from inside her spacesuit. "Whatcha doing in the space rock field?"

"Is it bad if I say we're on a pic-a-nic?"

"Hehehe," she giggled again. Despite all the damage they'd sustained and the danger they were still in, Derpy's smile could light up the void and for him, it did. "Brett, you should know to always bring a couple jars of space honey if you're ever going into a space rock field! You never know when you're going to find an Ursa den!"

"I uh, don't plan on doing this again. Ever. Squad, everyone else okay?"

"I've still only got one engine!"
"There's fur in my left thruster manifold!"
"They chewed on my nacelles but I'm good."

There were complaints but all the acknowledgment lights winked green on his display. His squad was good to go.

"Alright, let's get the hell out of here. Head up. Gary, grab anybody that needs a tow."

"Copy, leader." Gary's voice had just the slightest town of remorse. Brett knew it meant he wasn't happy, but he'd do it anyway. It wasn't the task that was disappointing but the fact Gary knew he shouldn't have to be doing it. And Brett knew that.

They gathered their ships and made the jump to hyperspace. Derpy rode on Brett's wing, despite the slight slober on it. Ponies, like Ursas, were semi-celestial beings in nature and were more resilient, allowing her to withstand the effects of space and hyperspace with ease and all she needed to wear was a simple environment suit.

---

Outer Equestrian Solar System
Alliance Rendezvous Point Delta-Kindness

The Aurora was a beautiful sight, no pun intended, when Dice Squadron came into land. Their ships touched down in the starboard hangar, all twelve of them. Brett opened his cockpit canopy, loosed his helmet and stepped out as was tradition. Derpy hopped off his wing and just as he had seen, so many times before, the crowd of Rebel crewmen, technicians and even droids filled the hangar to welcome them back. Like so many times before, their cheers filled the hangar.

Brett's smile couldn't be concealed as he climbed down the ladder. "Oh, guys, it's like I always tell you. When you roll with Dice Squadron, you-"

"Derpy! Derpy! Derpy!" The crowd swarmed around him and surrounded Derpy, lifting her up. "For she's a jolly good Derpy, for she's a jolly good Derpy, for she's a jolly good Derpy! That... dah-dah,dah-dah,dah-dah."

The crowd carried Derpy off in celebration. That was a new thing since partnering up with her, but Brett was still happy to see it. It didn't diminish his satisfaction at all- a job well done was enough. Besides, there would always be some that appreciated him. He turned to his squadron.

"Guys!" he said, arms outstretched. As was tradition, his squad would revel in their accomplishment. The other eleven pilots gathered around him, his crew, his family. "Another job well-done thanks to Dice, am I right? Chalk up another-GLAGGH!"

Jan punched him in the stomach. His squad then surrounded him and together, they beat the crap out of him.

"AUGH! Not the faaagh, not the face, please-gah!" Mostly, they kicked him in the stomach, the back, and wherever else they could while he was doubled over on the ground. They didn't hold back, kicking and beating him. Even Dave, the Lego Rebel Pilot member of the squad joined in, kicking Brett with his Lego legs.

"Alright guys, break it up, break it up," Gary said, pulling them apart. Jan spat on Brett one last time before departing with the rest of the assailants. None of them said a word.

"Owwww... owww..." Brett groaned, tasted blood but he didn't remember getting kicked in the face. In fact, the uniform absorbed a lot of the blows, but that didn't help much of the pain.

"You really fucked it up this time, Brett," Gary said.

"Ohhhggg... owww. Howwwwwww?" Brett groaned, mostly knowing the answer already. Gary was already gone with the others.

Clutching his stomach, Brett tried to get up. A pair of giant hands grabbed him by his shoulders and lifted him up in a single motion, which caused pain. "Auugh!"

"You can stand, yes? This is good."

"Owww! Oh, hi Bruno," Brett said painfully. Bruno was more of a mountain than a man, almost seven feet tall and with shoulders wider than the length of Brett's torso, he shouldn't have been able to physically fit inside the Y-Wing's cockpit because of his size. Tan-skinned and bearded, Bruno was from Space Russia, a planet that was a self-proclaimed brutal dictatorship and most of its citizens liked it that way. Space Russians were still Soviets, unlike actual Russians, and were proud to have one of the oldest functional dictatorships in the entire galaxy.

As far as oppression of citizenry, Space Russia was the number-five most oppressive planet in the galaxy, right behind the hive-minded insects of Antean Alpha, the machine-superemacists of Duracell Directive 9.5, Planet Hollywood, the planet that Hollywood took over and renamed and BuzzFeed.

Space Russia joined the Rebel Alliance after the Empire seized its territory. Most Space Russians thought freedom was an overrated and outdated concept, but hated the Empire because it made their own dictatorship subsidiary to the Emperor. Space Russia itself wasn't impacted at all by Imperial rule, but disrespect to Premier Von Trotskyberger V would not be tolerated, so they joined the Rebellion.

"Did you... you didn't hit me too, did you?" Brett asked.

"Ah ha ha ha. No Brett, Bruno did not hit you. If Bruno hit you, you would be dead. So Bruno did not hit you," Bruno explained.

"Oh... okay. C-can you help me to the medical bay? I think I broke something..."

He shook his head. "I cannot do this, Brett. I am sorry."

"What? WHY?"

"Bruno does not wish to get blood on his uniform," Bruno said. He gestured up and down his pilot's uniform, which was just as dirty as his own. "Bruno is very conscious of hygiene, yes? Cleanliness is important."

"But... you helped me off the floor. Just a minute ago."

"And you are welcome for this," Bruno said. After that, nothing.

"Okay, uh... I'm going to go to the medical bay now. Okay?" Brett said. Bruno said nothing. Slowly, Brett turned, clutching his stomach, and walked out of the hangar. Bruno followed him, but still said nothing.

They stepped into the hallway. Brett had no idea why Bruno was following him, but was too in pain to ask.

"Bruno likes you, Brett."

"Uh, thanks. I like you, too."

"You remind Bruno of old squadron leader back home."

"Really?" Brett asked. "That's ni-"

"He is dead now. We killed him."

"Oh. Umm..."

"He was spy for Empire. So Bruno and other squadmates, we break all his bones and through him out of airlock," Bruno said. "It is funny to watch broken limbs spin in space."

Brett suddenly felt cold and wanted very much to get out of there. "I'm, uh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm-I'm not a spy, though."

Bruno nodded. "Bruno knows this. Do you know why?"

"Uh, no-"

"It is because you are stupid. You are moron, yes?"

"Uhh..."

"At first, you make bad decision. And Bruno think, you might be spy. Bruno think about breaking your legs, yes? But then, Bruno think, you cannot be spy. Spy must be very smart, and when you do things, they are very dumb. So Bruno realize you cannot be spy. This is good, yes?"

Bruised, bleeding and now being called stupid, Brett had felt better. "I... I guess so, Bruno." Bruno stared at him, expectantly, for a long time.

"That was a compliment, Brett."

"It was?"

Bruno nodded. "It is customary to be grateful for compliment, yes? You do not wish to upset Bruno. Bruno is very sensitive man, Brett. It would disappoint him to break your legs."

"Ohhh, umm. Th-thank you for calling me stupid?"

"You are welcome, Brett. It means you are loyal, yes? This is good thing."

"Alright then," Brett said. He didn't really care any more. He went to the medical bay and checked himself in for treatment. Apart from a few scrapes and bruises, couple cuts, he was fine but given some bacta ointment and allowed to sleep there. He felt it was better than trying to go back to his quarters with the rest of his squad at that moment.

About an hour later, he had a visitor in the medical bay. He was facing the wall, tucked in tightly under a blanket when a familiar voice roused him.

"Not exactly the hero's welcome your used to, it seems," Captain Kayla Tresso said.

Brett rolled over. "Captain, ma'am."

"You don't have to get up. Getting worked over like that, I imagine it's difficult enough just laying there."

"The bacta helps."

"Yes, so it is good we stocked up on additional medical supplies. Not that I expect you to be in here more often. Neither of us would like that," she said, sitting down. "Look Brett, you're a good pilot, but you're not exactly the best leader we have right now."

"It WAS my plan to use the station's cannons to take out that Imperial flotilla, wasn't it?"

She sighed. "Having a good strategy doesn't make you a good leader. You risked your squad's lives chasing down that cruiser in the asteroid field."

Brett got up. "That... that cruiser had information on us. They saw the cannons fire at the rest of the Imps, they knew the ponies weren't neutral. I was doing that to protect our allies."

Kayla held up a hand to stop him. "And they were going to have that information either way. The station had been boarded, we knew that. Even if it hadn't, it's too big of a leak for us to cover. The Alliance isn't that concerned with keeping our allies hidden- anywhere we go is at risk and the Equestrians know that. They chose to help us anyway."

He looked down. He felt like crawling back under the covers. In truth, he had wanted to destroy that ship out of some sense of glory. To wipe them all out, leave the Empire with nothing, get the full set of that entire enemy squadron. That's what really had motivated him to go after that ship and he knew it. His squad knew it.

"Am I being demoted or something?"

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Kayla said. "Half of us in the Rebel Alliance are here for revenge."

"Only half?"

"The point is, I can understand wanting to take that ship out. Taking down a cruiser like that, especially this far from the nearest starbase does hurt them. But losing a squad hurts us more," Kayla said, standing. "Besides, I think getting the shit beaten out of you is punishment enough. Rest up here and then we'll talk to your squad. The Alliance still needs your dumbasses on the front lines, as well as mine."

"Hey, do I look like Grex to you? We're not Bold Squadron. We're Dice Squadron, we're the best."

"You do look like Grex a bit, minus thirty pounds."

Brett rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright. I just have one question."

"Shoot."

"If you're here, who's flying the ship?"

Kayla opened her mouth, then shut it, pinched her eyes and said, "Fuck." She turned and left, Brett went back to sleep.

Comments

[howard035]

Jan punched him the stomach. His squad then surrounded him and together, they beat the crap out of him.

Hehe, Brett's learning his lesson.

[Barrobroadcaster]

8934185
Yep, after surviving the Imperials, the asteroids and a hungry pack of disgruntled Ursas, the biggest danger is still his own squad that probably hates him at this moment. And apparently, no one is at the helm of their cruiser. But at least Derpy is getting the respect she deserves for saving all of their asses almost intentionally.

It's kind of a theme. The gritty, realistic 'by any means necessary' Rebel Alliance constantly has to be saved by a young mare that only really wants to make others happy and is just doing her job, which she enjoys. She doesn't care that much about the war or politics or any other nonsense- there's mail to deliver and muffins to bake.

We like to think innocence is just something cute. That it gets lost over time. Sweet things of life fade as the gritty reality sets in. But not all of it does. Some of it remains. Humanity, the fact that we can be happy, the fact that we can forget the world for a moment in the smile of someone we love... that is Derpy. A mare who would look right at the void and smile.