• Member Since 30th Jan, 2016
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FlareBlackAnubis


I am a young beginner Fimfiction writer on MLP to please the readers.

Comments ( 184 )

How do I know this story won't die after only one chapter?

Is English not your first language, because your grammer is particually bad. The biggest issues being basic sentence structure (especially with dialogue) and about half of the pronouns are incorrect. There were times where I couldn't tell who was speaking and who certain sentences were about, leaving me very confused. This needs to go through a proofread.

8435180
do not worry. this story is determined to continue it. hoping to find an editor to help me solve my writing problems.

8435617
in fact English is not my first language. and in fact I'm looking for an editor that can help me somehow. because with the translation on the site I am written in a different way and this as well as frustrating and confusing readers. thanks for being past.

You ever hear about the "pronoun problem" routine? Well, this story has it literally.

It has potential and I want to see more but, as a fellow writer that is at war with english grammar, trust me when I say, I understand. Believe me the fight of 'he she, her and his' is something I'm struggling as well.

My advice, after finishing a chapter don't post it right away, give it a do over. Trust me it helps to find at least half of the problems and, good luck finding an editor, they say its easy…but yeah its not always like that. I think its like fishing, its all in the patience

Comment posted by TheFlyingNugget deleted Sep 20th, 2017

8436966
I'm trying to improve. I accept constructive criticism and suggestions ..:pinkiecrazy:

8436431
thank you for your comment. neutral but direct without being excessive. :pinkiehappy: I will follow your advice and in fact the issue of pronouns and a more difficult problem to overcome :twilightangry2:. thank you again for having responded and we will feel the next update !.:twilightsheepish:

8438605
It was nothing, you see my story and would see the same problems happening multiple times, I try but it still a bit hard, and you are have something I still not sure how to construct, and that is clop, maybe at some point I might give you a private message asking for help into how to describe mares or make a good clop scene.

Keep on the good job

8438876
every help will be well received. thanks ^^. the new chapter is under development, but I'm going to publish some. following your advice.

8441071
That is great, wish you luck, you will see with just giving a look you will surprise how many mistakes pop up. And don't feel bad Albert Einstein had the exact same problem. He had a theory saying that all minds have horrible grammar because our minds think faster than what our hands can process so things like that are doom to happen.

hot. what will alex be meeting next mares?

You keep getting mixed up with he his and him

8441167
I agree. I'm looking for a publisher and one is offered but it will take a while. I would like to hear your comments on the future chapters and to know your opinion on improving me also.
Thank you and we will feel the next.

I see what you're trying to do here, and while not wholly original it has merits and can be enjoyable.

That said however there are a few glaring flaws you need to work on. First you need to work on your grammar. It's atrocious here and makes it difficult to understand what is occurring.
Second you need to work on your pacing and depth of detail. Some places felt like there was tons of detail put into unimportant bits, where other more relevant pieces were glossed over quickly.

The good news is these can both be fixed with practice and an editor. All in all, a fine first attempt. Keep it up and you will do just fine

8524544
I know. i hoping to find an editor to help me solve my writing problems. English is not first Language.
Thanks for comments.

8545097
Thanks for comments. English is not my first language. and in fact I'm looking for an editor that can help me somehow. because with the translation on the site I am written in a different way  is frustrating and confusing readers. thanks for being past.

well, whatever you have plan on us I hope it good.

YOu know, i have one question. Is this a harem clopfic?

8550409
exactly as well as. but I'm going for grades but this story and a harem clopfics.

8547251
do not worry I just hope that what I write is pleasing to you readers.

8550413
Yes!! Thank you. MAybe you could have Queen Chrysalis in it? ANd i cant wait for him to learn about herds.

8550422

8550424
I can say that following the series, Queen Chrysalis will make its appearance, more I can not say for not spoiler. but there will be some herds and situations. :yay:
to answer the other question. my first and italian language.
Thanks for you comments.
i have happy or respond you question ^^

8550439
ok. Fine with me. And cool on Italian. I think its an interesting language

8550439
By the way, i have written a few stories myself that you could use to help you grammar.

8550439
Well, if you ever want suggestions for mares for him to meet, don't hesitate to ask. I have a whole list of my favorite characters in MLP. Like, make him meet Zecora. That would be interesting.

I probably enjoy this chapter more if the English language wasn’t murdered with it try to find someone to proofread it

8550738
:trixieshiftright: serious. already English is not my mother tongue. I'm looking for an editor to help me improve and I'm trying to avoid making mistakes. as constructive criticism and really low help .

8550763 Well there is always Grammarly, either the APP or the download will help you find errors when you type, there is the free version and the subscription version, either of those will help you find errors.

Not to be mean, but it seems whoever edited this also has English as their third language.

The first chapter says its edited but I see no difference from the other chapters. Either you didn’t replace the old chapter with the new one or you have a lazy/terrible editor.
And if you did the editing, get someone else to do it as it can be difficult for one to spot their own mistakes.

Comment posted by FlareBlackAnubis deleted Nov 14th, 2017
Comment posted by FlareBlackAnubis deleted Nov 14th, 2017

8551114

I can be a temporary editor if you want.
PM the chapters

8551119
thank you for your help. I'll send you the first chapter in the evening.

Comment posted by Tedious_Blizzard deleted Nov 14th, 2017
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