• Member Since 20th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

MaxKodan


Just a pony lovin' guy


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Rarity and Sunset are having their third weekly Dappled Shores marathon.

And then Sunset ruins everything.

Third place in Oroboro's Changing Seasons contest.

Art by wordsandpunctuation

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )
R5h

The first surprise had been that AJ knew how to shape fritters into letters. The second surprise was how easy it had all been. The third surprise had been someone’s lacrosse ball rolling down the hallway and directly under Sunset’s foot.

Incidentally, Rarity’s first surprise had been a dress full of still-hot and very smashed apple fritters which almost, but not quite, said “I’m sorry’. Perhaps, had she not had to run screaming for the bathroom to remove said dress and avoid second-degree burns, it might have still turned out okay.

Ha! That was a really well-constructed gag.

In fact, I think this was really well constructed overall, and did a fantastic job selling the relationship. The jokes are good, and it's hard to believe this isn't even 5k words when you consider how much content you managed to squeeze in. Great job!

It's a tough call, but I think Twilight might have been the funniest part of this.

See, I think the thing I like about your writing is the thing Sunset likes about Rarity. In a way.

First up, yeah, like R5h said this is a really well-constructed and well thought-out story, but it's the open emotionality that I keep thinking about. This has been a thing with your other fiction, too; you aren't afraid to have your characters openly have unique emotional states, and having those bump up against each other, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. It's like watching a soap, in a way. You get this sorta disparate cast that all influence and mess with and mean something to each other, and it unfolds in a way that really feels... earnest? It doesn't go over-the-top, but it doesn't get subdued, either; you hit a pretty solid, true-feeling emotive tone. Earnest and well-built. Just like Rarity

Anyway, point is, this story's a good, distilled example of what I like about your style. Keep on rockin', man

(ETA: 3 am..... Pinkie a little bit scares the shit out of me)

Istoriyata e strakhotna! Obichakh razvitieto na geroite i nachina, po koĭto preminakhte mezhdu stseni! Vasheto opisanie me nakara da se zaradvam i se nadyavam da se spravite dobre! Uverete se, che ne postavyate sosa v praneto!

I liked this story, but I didn't love it. The main problem I have is this:

“I like you because you are so incredibly open,” she said.

While it's a nice sentiment, and I guess that can be gathered from what little time Rarity is in the story, that's just it: Rarity is barely in the story. Throughout the entire story, all I knew about Rarity was that she was hurt by Sunset, and she wasn't won over by Sunset's attempts to get her back (initially). Basically, I didn't think that Sunset's reason for loving Rarity was earned, and the story probably would have felt stronger to me without it.

I guess I should also comment on the short screwup-of-the-day that made up the bulk of this story. I think that this would've worked much better if you were allowed to expand upon each day in a longer story. Since each day was little more than "Sunset tries her plan, her plan fails, she sets up the next day's plan, repeat," I didn't really get much from this part of the story. Instead, the impact it had on me was that I read the first day's synopsis and knew that I'd have to read four more synopses before the story would resume. Don't get me wrong, they did show how determined Sunset was to get Rarity back, which was an important part of her character and this story, but beyond that, they didn't do anything for me. Well, they did tell me that Sunset will lean perhaps a bit too hard on her friends to solve her problems for her, but I'm not sure that was an intentional message.

All that said, I did still like this story. I might have done exactly what Sunset did back when my ex-girlfriend and I were watching the first couple seasons of MLP, so I really like the fact that you used this as the foundation of their fight. Despite the small amount of time that each character got, they all felt like they were well-established characters in this story's universe, and they played well with each other. And yes, the time that Sunset and Rarity had together was definitely adorable. So please take my criticisms for what they are: my own personal small complaints about things that I thought held a good story back from being great.

Cheers!

8448152
What might be cute (and maybe heartwarming) is a chapter from Rarity's perspective as the week rolls on. That might show some context for why Sunset is so attracted to Rarity.

This really is a romantic comedy done right. :yay:

Damn! I read this like a month ago and thought "This should be in the RCL" AND LOOK! I WAS RIGHT!

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