Butterscotch_Sweets
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Prepare for shitcane Twilight Sparkle!
Anything...
This story had potential, but the writing needs to be fleshed out and the plot needs to be taken seriously. Subjects like incest or rape should not be joked around with in any story, especially one that looks like it's attempting to be serious.
OH LAWDY
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HE WILL KILL HER AND SHE WILL LOVE IT AND ANGRY SEX WILL ENSUE. RIght?
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Now on a more serious note. May I ask what inspired you to write this story?
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914879 I wish I knew....
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What. The. EFFITY-JEFFITY?!
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While were all posting memes of some sort.
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914879
Thoughts of incest by a purple pony.
Get one with it!!!!
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I'll never understand why people would like something like this. This is a typical repugnant OOC bullshit story that's trying to be funny/serious and failing at both. How could anyone take this seriously? Good fanfics seem plausible in the canon, while terrible ones (like this one) are just a cry for help/attention. And yes, there is a way to make a gore story plausible in the FiM canon. They live next to Tartarus for crying out loud.
It doesn't help that it's written by someone that's inept, either.
The grammar is terrible, the dialog isn't fleshed out, the plot is ridiculous, pretty much everyone is out of character, it's just bad.
On the other hand, even if you did fix everything, the story would still suck. You can only polish a turd so much until it becomes stained into the cloth.
915103 Remember; this is the internet after all, never question it's sanity.
914879
Beauty.
In its purest form.
915222
Hah.
...
While I am fascinated by a crazed Twilight Sparkle, like from Lesson Zero, I am afraid I cannot take incest seriously.
...
This is like
and 
rolled into a crazed Twilight Sparkle from Lesson Zero. Incest cut the line there. Grammar errors are numerous, and the plot... makes no sense to me. Is this what they mean by "a sibling's love"?
Sorry. While this concept is interesting, I can't take any story seriously with incest in it. So, while it's interesting in concept, Twilight is far too OOC for me to take anything like this seriously.
915393
Can you kindly point out some of the Grammar errors I'm making? My Comp 2 teacher told me at one point through a failing grade on a paper that I do not quote correctly, though I do know that my English and spelling should be just fine. I'm assuming it's just that...? Or are there other things I'm doing wrong? Besides writing about insane OOC Twilight Sparkle wanting to rape her brother, that is.
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Get on the gore and the sex scene already!
914858
The fact that a friend said it couldn't and shouldn't be done.
So I fully intend to make it well the best Twilight/ Shining Armor rape/gore/incest/ probably-shouldn't-exist fanfiction I can. :D
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Nah, seriously. Bring some structure into the story because at the moment, the sentences doesnt even seem to be connected to each other properly. Also make the chapters longer and this could turn into a win(cest). Cuz i seriously think the twilight-goes-nuts-about-shining-armor approach could work.
Sorry, I had to dislike this. I agree with 915520 and 914526 broadly. I could read this as per subject material, but a lot of the mechanics of things and the writing needs work.
First of all, you have three chapters each with less than 2k words. Your first chapter is just a bare 700 or so word snippet. The whole thing comes across as super rushed. Look, I've rushed story too. I understand the temptation, God knows, and I've had things like love and first sight-ish romances. But I feel like if you're really going for rape, murder, and incest, then you just need to slowly lead the reader into the world and get them down this path. Here, it's just like: 'Hey, Twilight is feeling down' -> 'Twilight sees Shining' -> 'Time for rape'. It's so fast and abrupt.
Secondly, there seems to be 'filler' in this-- despite being rushed. Take the first chapter. Twilight encouters Dashie and gets almost knocked down. There's a discussion. That whole thing has no point. Twilight could just as easily have left her library and headed to Pinkie's place in a matter of sentences.
Thirdly, there seems to be all of these formatting things. Let me pick out a random sentence.
“Well that’s okay,” the purple dragon said, “You need all the sleep you can get with all the planning going on. And to think, the party is the day after tomorrow!”
It should be:
“Well, that’s okay,” the purple dragon said, “you need all the sleep you can get with all the planning going on. And, to think, the party is the day after tomorrow!”
And you need to flesh things out. Try to make the scenes feel more like scenes. Compare with something like:
“Well, that’s okay,” the purple dragon murmured, scratching his cheek with his right paw as he sized up Twilight's ragged looking features. She had clearly sweat all through the night into her sheets, which made Spike feel rather perplexed. “You need all the sleep you can get with all the planning going on. And, to think, the party is the day after tomorrow!” He tried to make an appreciative smile, sliding over on the bed towards Twilight.
Generally, I guess you should keep going with this, but you should really look things over and revise. Or at least think things over a lot before going on.
Jesus fuck, space out your paragraphs.
915712
Thanks! This is the kind of criticism I'm looking for. It's not like I ever intended for this to get published or something though lol. I'm just writing it for the fun or freaking everyone out. I'll try some of that while I continue the story rather than editing though, 'cause heck if I'm going to try to rewrite everything I've already written (I have a few chapters finished that I haven't posted yet). I just basically type what comes into my head and reread it once to make sure it makes sense.
If you're going to put the sex and gore tags on skip to the part with sex/gore.
Ponies don't eat hotdogs. Or any type of meat for that matter.
I do believe that these videos summarize why I don't like explict scenes in fanfiction for erotic and only erotic purposes. Not really, but it does show how it often feels to the reader .Especially if it's poorly written. Not that I'm saying anything about this one yet... Also, your childhood is now as dead as Nostalgia Critic's. And don't judge me, I end up on the weird side of YouTube when I'm bored.
915103 you know i have never seen a tartarus gore fic
also to the author why would you write incest i can stand through vore but incest can really screw people up like cyclops babys retarded babys the author of this one fic i read and so on
awesome so far
915814
Nah, seriously. Even if you wrote ten times as much as you've already published, it would take a hour or two to go trough it and fix it. Its not much. You should invest the time, following SwiperTheFox suggestions, if you want people enjoy the stuff you write. Also you benefit from it, gaining skill. No offense, but if you don't care about your own storys, you shouldnt have them published in the first place.
916018 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy_3VBaRIG0
Go to 15:15 in and listen to Pinkie. Apparently, they do eat Hot Dogs.
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lol
XD
Error! In this chapter I see... “Mmmm, no, I don’t wanna roast the hotdogs this time Pinkie Pie, you do it…” But ponies are vegetarian. HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH A THING
...
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914477 That is the funniest Pony Pic I've ever seen!!
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I think I'm good...
915496 Well, you should at least make it all grammatically correct...
i like it can't w8 for the plan to beginn can't w8 for the next chapter