A young girl who dreams of ponies is murdered, and given a chance to create a new world. Years later, Celestia wakes to find memories she doesn't remember having.
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Immaneuel Kanter
Joined 9th Jun, 2012 ·
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This seems interesting....I think I'll give it a shot and tell you what i think of it when I'm done with it
914374 Thanks! Looking forward to it.
914378 no problem! I kinda like stories like this
Wow. I think this is one of my favourite HiE. Good Job
That was quite an interesting story. I thought it was written pretty well for the time you took on it.
Thank ye. Sorin
I can't understand why there are two downvotes on this... it's sad, but beautiful at the same time.
I quite enjoyed it.
914398>>914413>>914451>>914461
Thank you all so much for the response!
I enjoyed it, but I felt thoroughly confused, I have to say, it sounds like something that could be expanded upon later... that is, if I understand it right.
The girl's brain working on some kind of life support, creating its own illusions for itself, or maybe hooked up to a machine that emulates some kind of sensory input, but is that correct at all, or did she really create her own world to live in after she was completely dead?
914604
You got it; it's a machine. Sorry if it came off as confusing! I tried to keep it as "un-telly" as possible and leave a lot to inference. I guess, since you got the premise, it... worked?
914378 How about some details of what happened after the murder?
914734
Well, I guess one possible question is, "Did she get away with it, or didn't she?" I'm not entirely sure about that, or any other details after the murder for that matter. (My gut says she got away with it.) I wrote the story with an intent to have a tunnel-vision on Celia and a rocket-fast pace. This was made to be a one-shot, so I don't really see myself adding to it.
I know there's a good chance that's completely unsatisfying!
i.imgur.com/LWJxI.gif
This is EPIC and kept me interested, very nice
914801
Ha, ha--you finished! A genuine "thank you" for the feedback.
914846 no problem, happy to give you it
Good story. Could do with a spell check though.
Keep it up.
This was AMAZING. I'll admit that at first a six year old girl being Celestia didn't seem to work, but it did!
Although I'm curious as to who Luna would be, if Celestia was a child. I was thinking she could maybe be a sibling had the story been different, but i can see how that would have been hard to make work.
916974
Thanks for the feedback! Was there anything in-particular you noticed?
918002
I had an idea of how to make it work with another story of another little girl in a similar situation being grafted into Celia's universe as a stirring conclusion. I opted against it, because I thought it would throw the story out of balance--one half Celia, one half Celestia--and end up making the story more about that enigmatic computer guy than it should. On one level, I see massive waves of heartwarming on the horizon, but, on another level... There's other stories to write, and this one did what I set out to do.
Thanks so much for the feedback!
918263
A few things I can't think of off the top of my head. Just needs to be thrown into word or something of the like and have a spell check run.
918318
Just put it through. There was one mistake, as far as I can tell--"etherial" to "ethereal."
Word misuse creeps up a number of times.
E.g. "and trashed violently", is probably supposed to be, "and thrashed violently".
Heading out for time with the fam. Will check back and make a run through. Thanks for pointing that out!
This was a very interesting story to read! Interesting twist, I will say.
It's certainly interesting, I'll give it that. Your mechanics leave something to be desired - direct thoughts are in italics without the quotes, and you had a few ["Dialogue." he said] when it should have been ["Dialogue," he said]s in there. The plot could have been strengthened by building up Celia as a character first, by making us care more for her - and then building up Celestia as a character. By doing so, you would have made us <i>want</i> to accept this, which would have been the best outcome for a story like this. Even so, fair's fair, and this wasn't a bad read at all.
1539209
Fair enough!
Looking back at the story, now over 30 weeks ago, it really does suck. It was an attempt to write something in a day. Pretty much everything you said, and more, is true about the story.
Probably won't write another pony-related fanfic again. Too much time for too little reward.
2227523
Ehh, I wouldn't say not worth it. Practice is practice, and having a wide and ready audience to bounce styles, characterization and scenery is nothing to sniff at. Besides, even though I honestly can't remember how it was, judging from the comment I don't think I thought it was outright bad, heh. Just saiyan.
Goddamn I wish I had found this earlier.