I Rock

by Goldy

I Rock

I Rock
By GoldenEagle159

Alright, so this begins my tale. It was an average day for me; wake up, eat breakfast, hop onto my laptop. I went straight to Youtube. Nothing cool, like usual. Then to Twitter. There was some funny stuff from Tara Strong, but nothing else was special. Then to Equestria Daily. I just checked out the the Nightly Roundup. There was nothing cool on Equestria Daily. Then, my final stop: FiMFiction. I had but one message. I checked it out. It was from an account I never saw before. It linked me to a different website. I clicked on it like the idiot I am. It claimed to be a portal to Equestria. Seems legit. Being even more of an idiot, I downloaded something. When it finished downloading, my laptop suddenly crashed. I got pissed off, since that happens when my computer overheats when I play TF2. I turned it back on after a couple minutes. Suddenly, the computer became a portal and I got sucked in. "I hate my life," I said to myself as I span around in the portal. Then something slammed me in the back of my head, instantly giving me a concussion.

---

I slowly woke up. I looked around to see myself inside a cave. A cold one at that. I was near the entrance, and I saw that there was a blizzard going on out there. I waited a few minutes to regain energy by just lying there. I eventually dragged myself to get up to go. No, I tried to. But I was just stuck there. Nothing kept me down, but I just couldn't get up. I tried screaming for help. But I didn't say anything, not even a muffle. What the hell is happening to me?! I thought. I tried moving my "head". I could look around, but I couldn't move my head. Like, my eyes were circumnavigating something. I also couldn't smell. So: I could see very awkwardly, and hear. Huh.

Suddenly, I saw silhouette outside the cave. No... six. Six silhouettes. All coming right towards me. I did what the best thing I could have done at the time: Flail around my eyes and try to scream. I knew I was basically screwed. I stared at the silhouettes coming towards me. They walked on 4 legs. And they looked like... ponies. Ponies? Maybe that portal did work, but I'm half of what I'm supposed to be. Or less. I don't know. They came closer, and I saw the 6 ponies. They were half-familiar to me. For some reason, I couldn't recognize their faces (or mane, or color, or... whatever.), but I could recognize their clothes. I tried to think of what I recognized while I still panicked. It isn't a very good combo, just so you know. As they came closer, they... didn't seem to notice me? They were HUGE, and they literally walked over me. There were 2 earth ponies, 2 pegasi, and 2 unicorns. Then, it hit me: These were the founders of Equestria from Hearth's Warming Eve. But instead of the mane 6, these were the original ones. I felt so honored to see them. But I still had no idea what I was. They did the dialogue and started making visible barriers. Private (a.k.a. Fluttershy) went up to where I was, but moved around me. Then, it hit me again: I'm a rock... Wait, what?! Oh come on! Wait... I'm the rock they fought over... I'm important to Equestria history! Then, the scene rolled out: They picked me up and fought over me. I felt like a pimp. Well, there was one problem: Commander Hurricane was a dude. That must have been why Fluttershy referred to Rainbow Dash as "Sir" in the episode. Huh. Well, eventually, I was thrown outside into the blizzard. I would have froze to death if I was alive, or if I at least had heat sensors. Well, I was stuck out there. The blizzard went away a couple minutes later, but I was still stuck out there. Ponyville and Canterlot were starting to be built by where I was, even though they were just a couple small cottages. When night came, the six ponies went inside their new homes. But I was still stuck outside! Well, since I had little- I mean, NO choice, I fell asleep, closing my non-existent eyes.

---

I woke up the next morning- or what I thought was next morning. I looked towards the small houses to see if I could see the ponies, but what I saw instead surprised me. It was a full-sized Ponyville. It's impossible! How can they increase the size of their buildings in a single night? As the Heavy would say, IS NOT POSSIBLE! What was also weird was that I felt... larger. Like the rock... er, I, grew in size. Maybe I'm just weird, or maybe that's how Equestrian rocks work. Maybe that's also how it works in my world. I dunno, I never took geometry. Um... geography... Crap, I am officially stupid from being a rock. Well, I was still stuck there. I just waited... and waited... and waited...

Well, let's just say I was stuck there for many hours. I was as bored as a board, waiting for something to happen. Suddenly, I noticed a pony walking towards me. They were a dark pink... had straight, pink hair... and... three balloons as a cutie mark... Shit! I'm going to be turned into rock cupcakes! Wait... why is there suddenly Pinkie- erm, Pinkamena? I was only asleep for... one night... Then it hit me: I wasn't asleep for a night, I was asleep for thousands of years! Stupid rock hibernation! Or maybe I just went into a coma. I dunno. Well, as the psycho walked towards me, I braced myself. She got close then just stared at me.

"Ooh," she said. "This rock is perfect!" She then picked me up of the ground.

Shit, shit, shit, shit! Why me?! What's she going to do with me?! As my stupid thoughts scrambled around in my rock head, she walked inside... where? Pinkie's house? I dunno; I couldn't recognize it. I noticed some things: A bucket of turnips, two other of my brethren rocks, a pile of lint, a bag of flour, and a ton of party hats. What? Then it slammed me on the head with an encyclopedia: I was in crazy Pinkie's forever alone party. And I guess I'm Rocky. Cool. Well, she slammed hats on all of the objects except the other rocks. She then put one on me and constructed Rocky out of me and the other rocks. It was creepy. But at least I was the one on top, which was cool. Well, I was the smallest, but I didn't care. Pinkamena's party for Gummy began, and, well, I was, in fact, Rocky. Whenever she moved us, I felt like I was being violated. She made me- er, us, er- Rocky say, "I'm just glad none of them ponies showed up!" Then she went officially crazy. Thankfully, my savior, Rainbow Dash, opened the door. Eventually, the crazy pony was shoved out by her. And... well, I was then stuck in there. Oh come on!

Hours later, the regular Pinkie came back. She took us rocks and threw us outside like we were rocks or something. Wait... Anyway, me and my friends were stuck outside. Days, possible weeks later, some pony in a bulldozer pushed us up to a mountain. I didn't even know they had bulldozers in Equestria. When I was up to a mountain side I... started becoming part of the mountain wall. I still don't understand Equestrian geology... there's the word I was looking for! Well, I became part of the mountain. It's really weird and creepy. And apparently there are "spirits" in some rocks, but not all. I guess this mountain side had no other spirit in it, so I became the mountain wall by definition. Cool. Despite being awesome and a freaking side of a mountain, my only choice was to go into hibernation again. And, well, I did. Even though it was a lot shorter than last time. But whatever.

---

I was awoken from my slumber by nothing. What? Why did I- Then suddenly, a blue portal appeared under me and, well, I was sucked in. It was weird, since only part of the mountain wall came in; there was just a big rectangular hole where I was. I looked around with my weird "eyes" to see where I was. I appeared to be in a clearing of a hedge maze. Um... Well... I was stuck there. And I waited for something to happen, since a portal wouldn't just randomly appear. Unless you're like me, where you get sucked into your damn computer. I waited... and waited... and-

No, screw that. Later, I saw something come around the corner. It was a pony who was white and- oh my gosh it was Rarity! My princess came to save me! But then she bumped into me. Crap. Then I heard a voice... it seemed familiar... it was... Discord! I still hate him for making Fluttershy a jerk. Then another thing hit me: He's using me to hypnotize Rarity! God dammit, Discord! Then another thing hit me: If those are true, then that means-

Then she suddenly started attacking me! No, stop, no, stop! My spirit was bouncing around in the rock. Rarity got a boulder out of it, and I was lucky enough to be inside of it.

"Well, Rarity," the grey mare said. "It took forever, but it was worth it! Who knew three little gemstones would turn out to be this handsome HUNK of a diamond?" Yep, my thought was right. I'm Tom. Who'd have thought I would be the 3 rocks in the Friendship is Magic universe that I knew the most?

Well, the two-part episode played out, and I somehow ended up in Carousel Boutique with Rarity. I was so flattered, despite me being a rock instead of a diamond, but I didn't care. Rarity loved me... okay, I started becoming creepy. Suddenly, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack burst into the boutique. "What do you think you're doing?!" Rarity said as the ponies walked up to me. "Get away from my gem! GET AWAY-" I would have blushed if I could. But, Twilight, for some reason, did a memory spell on ME, and, well, I guess Rarity realized I'm an ugly boulder instead of a diamond. I felt so ashamed. Rarity pushed me out the door, and I rolled into the barren, chaotic landscape. "Let us never speak of this again," Rarity said as the four walked away from me.

No, wait! Save me! Don't leave me here don't... I knew it was hopeless. They can't hear my thoughts. And besides, they would still leave me behind. I'm just a dumb rock. I lied to them. To her. I deserve every bit of this. I deserve to be kept here forever, until an earthquake destroys me into hundreds of pieces, until Equestria itself ends. I deserve it.

---

Hours later, Discord was apparently defeated, and the chaotic landscape started disappearing. I was wrapped up with the land, and I left Equestria with the land. I was just stuck inside the technicolor landscape, and I would stay there. Forever. I deserved it. Unless, of course, I managed to be saved somehow...

---

I'm writing this part about right now. I've had a lot to think about, and I have. I've thought about Rarity, Pinkie, and the rest of them. And I'm not apologizing. No. I'm going to get my revenge. I will come back. I will strike. I shall overthrow them. I shall defeat their princess. When I find out how to defeat them in this rock body, I shall defeat them all. I already have most of it planned; I'm in the shape of a human, and I'm writing this with my rocky hand. And I'm alive. I have tons of power, and I'm near-invincible. I shall attack and win. I shall win the battle. AND I SHALL RULE THEM ALL!

~~~~~~~~
The end?
~~~~~~~~

Comments

[Goldy]

Oh god, what have I released into this wold?

[MyLittleBurger]

Moar.....

[Jar of Dirt]

static.prtst.net/asset-proxy/0f646dbd214789c9052e78d1174913bec000f2ed/687474703a2f2f693330342e70686f746f6275636b65742e636f6d2f616c62756d732f6e6e3137312f4e69636b506f74726f736b692f596f752f4252494c4c49414e542e6a7067/http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn171/NickPotroski/You/BRILLIANT.jpg

[yrfoxtaur]

Huh.
Interesting...

[Wheller]

Oh my god! A giant rock!

[SpyroFlame]

NEEDS A SEQUEL

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

We Rock - Dio

I rock, you rock, he she it rocks. Y'know, first grade stuff.

[Warren Peace]

Well that was really unique.

[SpeedyAstro]

This deserves both a sequel *2 minute break while writing this 'cause of Writer's Block* and a feature on the main page.

After that, I will make another unique story and get FEATURED! Then I will become moderator and overthrow all the other ones. THEN I will own this pathetic site and make it my own! My biggest change will be moar emotes and color changes and more features and formatting.

(These last four sentences were a result of writer's go and writer's crazy, both of which I also have. :)

[KillerSteel]

Writer, I have a tip for you. Start swimming down into the earth and sit there for about a hundred years or so. Your body will be compressed into diamond, the hardest material ever known.

You'll be TRULY invincible then.

As for the story, wow, I've never been so happy about reading about a ROCK :V. Good work!

[zaczac111]

That... that was... beautiful.

[ininbbtfctub]

Best HiE Fic EVER.

[Silver Streak1]

This is my shot at originality
MOAR

[Goldy]

So, this fic got approved at around 8:45 p.m. Pacific time last night. That was around the time I shut down my computer. I got FiMFiction this morning... and I had 32 notifications.
th04.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/285/2/6/cereal_guy_spitting_by_rober_raik-d4clu6f.png

[meme-asaurus]

DUMB ROCK!
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/7/72/Rarityrock.png

[Poducken]

921619

Nice. I thought he had them all covered... Wait! What about the boulder that trapped Rainbow Dash in Ghastly Gorge?

[meme-asaurus]

921907

I can't be stuck like this forever! That's like... FOREVER!

images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120626143817/mlp/images/4/40/S2E07_Rainbow_Dash_comes_out_from_behind_boulder.png

[Goldy]

Many seem to want more...
...Challenge accepted...

Edit: No one will see this, but lolnope

[Master Lyra]

Uh-huh.
Actually, me and RatherHomely already beat you to this: Rock
Sorry bro.

[Goldy]

923441 WELL, DOES YOUR DAMN STORY HAPPEN TO ALSO FEATURE YOUR DAMN ROCK BEING THE ROCK THAT FOUNDED EQUESTRIA AND WAS ROCKY, AND IS GETTING A SECOND CHAPTER WHERE THEY DESTROY EQUESTRIA?! I DON'T THINK SO!

What's funny is that this was the second fic I ever thought up, though I didn't type it until just a couple days ago.

(And P.S. I DON'T GIVE A BUCK THAT I WASN'T THE FIRST TO MAKE IT!)

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

OLD SPICE BODY SPRAY!

[Master Lyra]

923559
No, but it features a guy becoming Tom from season 2 episode 1 and 2.
And cool.

[Goldy]

923813 You do realize that I, in fact, DID become Tom?

[Master Lyra]

926023
Huh. Welp, gonna have to go and say you copied us.

[Goldy]

926079 LIES, LIES I SAY! I SHALL CONTACT THE MODS TO GET YOU BANNED, BLOCK YOU, CALL THE PRESIDENT TO KICK YOU OUT OF YOUR COUNTRY, CALL THE POLICE TO ARREST YOU, SEND A MESSAGE TO PRINCESS CELESTIA TO SEND YOU TO THE MOON, AND CALL NIGHTMARE MOON TO KILL YOU WHILE YOU'RE THERE!

(You can obviously tell I'm lying.)

[Master Lyra]

926107
What if I already live on the moon? Plus, I have Woona. Better than you have.

[BaconHazard]

Okay, here's what I think:

This is the worst thing I have ever seen. This video pretty much sums it up:

This fiction is the very description of evil. Burn it. Eat it. Shit it. Burn it. Feed it to your cat. Kill your cat. Burn it. Dissect it. Take out the shit. Burn it again. Strap a timed bomb to it. Fart on it. Throw it into a volcano. Jump in with it. Land at the bottom because the bomb-shit was so horribly disgusting that it dissolved every ounce of magma in it. Stomp on it. Fart on it again. Wipe it all over your nipples. Ejaculate on top of it. Roll all over it. Menstruate Maple Syrup onto it. Fart onto it yet again. Bake it in an oven. Send it to Hell. Boil it in armpit sweat. Cry orphan tears all over it. Squeeze buttered shit onto it. Fart onto it. Throw it into the deepest pit in the world and nuke it...

EPIC INHALE...

Fuck it. Shit on it. Bake it. Fart on it. Have a stampede of raging bulls trample it. Pour Rhino semen on it. Cover it in plastic explosives. Let it explode. Urinate all over the remains. Rub lemon juice, salt, and battery acid all over it. Lactate Sour Cream onto it.
Give it nipples. Hook up an industrial battery to the nipples. Electrocute it. Pour a full bucket of Whale sperm all over it. Smear cow excrement all over the remains. Flush it into the Ocean.

Aftermath: The entire water supply of nearly all over the planet is tainted by your Story and you kill of all life.

EPIC INHALE...

People broadcast it in the news. And then a bus full of hot models crashes into a small van of special needs children. Then a tanker carrying a truckload of plastic explosives goes off, detonating nearly half of Alaska. And then a piece of debris falls down from the sky and kills a bunch of Orphans. And then Africa is nuked. And then Australia gets plagued by famine and disease. And then China gets flooded by Political stand offs and bad people. And then America is completely wiped off of the map by a huge asteroid.

And after all of this, the Author is somehow still alive and is plagued by his mind for the rest of eternity as the last person on Earth.

Finally, as an extra precaution to get rid of this volatile piece of shit, God sends the entire Milky Way collapsing in on itself.

AND THAT'S JUST HOW BAD THIS FICTION IS!!!

images.wikia.com/headhuntershorrorhouse/images/3/3d/Exploding_head.gif

I think I made my point.

How was that?! Do I earn a GOLD STAR?! GIMME MY GOLD STAR!!!

I feel like I accomplished something! I am now complete. I will now go and cleanse my brain with bleach.

I'm popular! YAY!

EDIT: Do you see the fucking comment above? You made me type badly! I hate you. I mean, after rereading that comment, I feel bad for myself. My grammar and spelling was tainted by this horrid excuse for a story.

Good day, ass-wipe! Now go and feed your testicles into a sawmill.

Sincerely,
Bacon[Hazard]

P.S. This also gave me cancer. I think I'm also sterile right now. And why wouldn't I be after reading such a horrifying piece of shit?

P.P.S. And if this is hurting your feelings, I'm not sorry, nor will I ever be. But please, just lay off of the Mushroom for a while before writing again, as if I ever wanted you to.

P.P.P.S. Go and die.

P.P.P.P.S. Cure my cancer or I will kill off your blood line.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Did I scare you? Because I in fact liked it very much and you should be commended for it.

[JennaShinx]

am I the only one who skipped the entire thing and only read the ending? I actually did do that.

[Alectra24444]

Tjats tje tiniest image ive ever seen!!