• Published 17th Sep 2017
  • 5,185 Views, 63 Comments

Twice the Gem You Are - JackRipper



Graduation is coming up, and Apple Bloom couldn't be happier. Well, she could, if Diamond Tiara wasn't such a pain in the flank.

  • ...
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 5,185

Them's Fightin' Words

“Hey, blank flank! I’ve got a delivery request for you!”

Apple Bloom groaned, dropping the wagon’s handle. She didn't need to look up to know who was calling for her, she could tell just by the sound of her snobbish voice. “I haven't been a blank flank for a long while, Diamond. Got anythin’ with a bit more bite to it? Yer graspin’ at straws here.”

Diamond scoffed as she approached Apple Bloom, her smug grin never leaving her face. “Look, the less time I have to spend on this stupid farm, the better. I’d rather not walk home in the rain, so let's make this quick.”

Apple Bloom glanced up at the sky, a light raindrop hitting her muzzle. An overcast was setting in quickly; she shuddered as a breeze blew through her mane. “Why’d ya come out here anyway? This is somethin’ yer dad usually does.”

Diamond let out an indignant huff as she shoved the sheet of paper in Apple Bloom’s face, ignoring the glare she was receiving. “After graduation, I’ll be running the business in Canterlot. Daddy says I need work experience. Can you believe that?”

“Can't say I’ve ever seen ya work a day in yer life for anything,” Apple Bloom deadpanned, finally looking over the order form.

“I’m sure you have trouble understanding, being a farm pony and all, but I actually have class, so I can't spend my time —”

Crack!

The two of them yelped as thunder boomed in the distance, lightning briefly painting the afternoon sky. They were much closer now, uncomfortably so.

The moment didn’t last long. Apple Bloom threw Diamond off of her, blushing and adopting a look of disgust.

“Get off me!”

Diamond Tiara flicked her mane. “Oh pu-lease, as if I want to be anywhere near you. Believe me, this is the last place I want to be.”

A retort died in Apple Bloom’s mouth as she stared at the droplets falling from her Stetson. The weather was turning into something fierce. “Diamond, I think ya might want to take shelter with me fer now. This storm looks like it’s gonna get a whole lot worse.”

“There’s no way in Tartarus I’m sitting in this barn with you. I’m a grown mare, I can handle a little rain,” she replied, waving a condescending hoof as she walked away from Apple Bloom.

“Suit yerself.”

Apple Bloom turned around closed the barn door. Leaning against a rafter support beam, she started counting down.

“Three… two… one…”

Crack!

On cue, Diamond Tiara bursted through the barn door, thoroughly drenched and shivering.

“I told ya—”

“Shut up.”

Apple Bloom giggled, much to the pink filly’s chagrin.

“Well, I can’t have ya freeze to death in this here barn, so I’ll fetch ya some blankets. They might make ya itch a little, but it’s better than bein’ cold.”

Apple Bloom knelt down and brushed the hay off several plaid blankets. Diamond Tiara was trying her best not to notice the other filly’s rather provocative posture.

She wasn’t trying hard enough.

Apple Bloom continued to mutter to herself. “Actually, as a matter of fact, I think we might store some kerosene in the back, maybe...”

Diamond Tiara shuddered as a stray breeze scraped over her back. The barn, while well built, didn’t provide much insulation against the wind; the clacking of her teeth was proof of that.

“Hurry up, blank flank!”

“My name is Apple Bloom, and if ya don’t wanna freeze, you’ll remember that.”

She groaned. “Ugh, fine. Hurry up, Apple Bloom.”

“What’s the magic word?”

Diamond Tiara slammed her hoof against her face and growled, “Apple Bloom, please get the buck over here.”

Apple Bloom chuckled as she approached the shaking mare. “Ya still need to work on yer manners, but... it’s a start.”

The plaid blanket was draped across Apple Bloom’s withers and, hanging off the side of her body, was pinned down by the jerrycan placed precariously on her back. “Sorry, yer Majesty. The blanket’s not exactly velvet or fur-lined.”

Diamond Tiara ignored Apple Bloom’s quip as she raised an eyebrow. “What are you going to do, set the barn on fire?”

Apple Bloom snorted. “Hopefully not. I just think ya need to warm up quicker an’ I figured ya wouldn’t mind a cozy fire.”

“Wow, that’s… incredibly reckless and stupid.”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes as she dropped the jerrycan. The kerosene sloshed around upon impact, several drops hitting the dirt floor. “Well excuse me fer tryin’ to be helpful.”

Apple Bloom threw the blankets on top of Diamond Tiara.

She grit her teeth. “You're not going to help either of us if you burn us alive!”

“Oh, so now you're using ‘us’ talk? That’s just rich. I figured ya only knew how to talk about yerself.”

Diamond Tiara fumed in silence as Apple Bloom walked over and tossed her a packet of matches. “Here, do it yerself if ya decide you're freezin’ enough. I'm gonna try and get some rest.”

And with that, the filly laid down against a pile of hay, pulling her hat over her head and turning away from Diamond.

...

A moment of silence passed before Diamond Tiara sighed and picked up the jerrycan.

This was going to be a long night.


She’d never admit it, but Apple Bloom was right.

Diamond Tiara stared at the fire as it crackled, her face illuminated in its gentle orange glow. Apple Bloom’s light snoring could just barely be heard over the sound of the roaring wind.

Diamond clicked her tongue in annoyance. How could that farm pony possibly sleep in weather like this?

Still, Diamond could do nothing but watch the filly’s sleeping form as her chest rose and fell, almost in sync with the sound of the rain hitting the roof of the barn.

Though, as her luck would have it, Apple Bloom’s snoring suddenly stopped.

“Would ya quit starin’ at me like that?”

Diamond jerked her face away from Apple Bloom. “How did you even know I was looking at you, blank flank? Your hat is over your eyes.”

Diamond could see a faint smirk form on her face.

“I didn't. Though now I do. Thanks for makin’ that easy.”

The pompous pink pony’s cheeks burned as she grumbled to herself, eliciting a giggle from Apple Bloom.

The air hung stagnant, an awkward silence filling the barn as the interior creaked with the wind. Finally, after Diamond regained her composure, she sighed.

“What do you want?”

Apple Bloom pulled her hat up. “Pardon?”

“Offering me shelter, keeping me warm… Ponies only do stuff like that when they want something from me.”

The farm pony frowned. “I don’t need nothin’ from you, Diamond. Not everypony only thinks of themselves ya know.”

“Even still, don't you… you know, hate me?”

Apple Bloom’s expression darkened. “I haven't hated you in a long while, Di.”

Diamond scoffed. “Oh give me a break, since when did you decide you weren't going to hate—”

“Since Granny died.”

“Oh.”

Her breathing relaxed. Slowly, she stood up and sat next to Diamond. The fire was nothing more than embers now. “Ever since she left us, I don't get angry at nothin’ no more. Ain’t worth it,” Apple Bloom said in a soft voice, poking at the fire with a stick.

Diamond grimaced, hooves twitching. “What happened?”

Orange eyes met blue.

“She died a couple years back. Ya probably remember it, since I had to leave school early.”

Diamond nodded, she continued.

“It was quick an’ painless from what I heard. Passed away in her sleep. Didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

“Apple Bloom…”

Tears began to form in the corners of the filly’s eyes, but she continued to speak, her composure held firm. “I was just… so angry, Di. I swear I was seein’ red. I screamed an’ cried. I even nearly cracked an apple tree in half. There was nopony that could calm me down, not my sister nor anypony else.”

She heaved in a big breath, wiping her nose on her foreleg. Her tone turned bitter. “But... no matter how angry I got, nothin’ changed. Granny Smith wasn't gonna come back, and there was no changin’ that.”

Diamond Tiara hesitantly placed a hoof on Apple Bloom’s shoulder, the farm pony leaned in.

“The only thing I could change was myself. I decided from then on out, life would only ever get to me if I let it. I’d choose to make myself happy, if not for myself, then for Granny instead.”

Diamond said nothing, gently wiping the tears from Apple Bloom’s eyes as she attempted to keep her breathing steady.

Finally, Diamond spoke, utmost clarity resonating in her voice.

“At least your family cares about you.”

Apple Bloom opened her mouth, but Diamond pressed on.

“And I’m not talking about your brother and sister, either. Your friends love you too. The three of you share a bond that I don't have with Silver Spoon… or my parents, for that matter.”

Crack!

The two of them jumped, holding each other for support and not letting go even after the thunder died down.

Diamond looked over at Apple Bloom, their faces mere inches from one another. Neither of them dared to break away now.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is… I’m sorry, Apple—”

Diamond Tiara was cut off as Apple Bloom pressed her lips against hers. Diamond closed her eyes, sinking into the kiss as the plaid blanket covered the two of them.

Apple Bloom pulled away for a mere moment to speak.

“Don't be.”

They embraced each other once more, the fire finally burning out in front of them.

This was going to be a very long night.


Applejack whistled to herself, stepping over a fallen tree branch as she nervously glanced at the barn ahead of her. No serious damage on the outside, good sign.

“Apple Bloom? Ya in there?” Applejack called out, though she received no reply. The only audible sound was the creaking of the weathervane above her.

She bit her lip. If Apple Bloom wasn't in the barn, then she’d have a good reason to worry. She told Apple Bloom to take shelter in case of an emergency, which meant she could be in real danger if she wasn’t there.

Applejack gulped as she tried to push the barn door open. To her relief, it was sealed tight. Apple Bloom was definitely in there. “That was a nasty storm last night, are y'alright in… here?”

Applejack was right about two things. Apple Bloom was in the barn, and she was fine.

...

Maybe more than fine, by the looks of it.

“What the hay!?”

The two filly’s eyes shot open as they unceremoniously flung the blanket off of them.

“Applejack! I can explain!”

Applejack’s muzzle wrinkled in disgust as she took in the smell of sweat… as well as everything else that had… transpired in the barn. “I don't think ya need to. In fact, don’t. I’ve got it mostly figured out, thank ya very much.”

The filly’s blushes intensified as Diamond Tiara slunk away. Nearing the entrance of the barn, she mouthed an apology to Apple Bloom, before galloping off the farm.

For a painfully long moment, the two of them said nothing to each other. Apple Bloom pawed at the ground with her hoof, refusing to look her older sister in the eye.

Applejack cleared her throat. “So, uh, you and her?”

Apple Bloom’s face burned as she blubbered. “I swear to Celestia, it’ll never happen again!”

Applejack raised a hoof. “I ain’t one to judge, sugarcube. Yer a grown mare now, ya make your own choices.”

“It was a one time thing, it won't— wait, really?”

Apple Bloom breathed a heavy sigh of relief as Applejack chuckled.

“That's great to hear, AJ. I was worried ya’d hate me or somethin’ like that.”

Applejack smirked. “I gotta admit, it's a little weird. But it's not somethin’ I need to get angry about. ‘Sides, yer safe, and that's all I was really worried about.”

She coughed. “Didja at least use protection?”

The filly buried her face in her hooves. “Applejack!”


Tick, tock.

Apple Bloom rapped her pencil against her desk, attempting to focus on the paper in front of her rather than the pink filly that sat several rows behind her.

...

Tick, tock.

She glared at the clock that hung above Cheerilee’s desk. She couldn’t concentrate like this.

“At least your family cares about you.”

Apple Bloom sighed as she looked down at her paper. The numbers and words meshed together into an illegible mess. What subject was this again?

Tick, tock.

She groaned, her face hitting the desk as her pencils and pens rattled from the impact. There was no way in Tartarus she’d finish the rest of this stupid test.

As if on cue, the timer rang aloud. Apple Bloom cringed, picking up her head as Cheerilee stood in front of the class and cleared her throat. “Alright class, that’s the end of your mathematics exam. I’ll see you all tomorrow for Equestrian History. Have a lovely day!”

Lovely wasn’t the word Apple Bloom would use to describe her day. It was more like a muddled mess of confusion and awkward satisfaction. Ever since that night in the barn, she could barely keep her thoughts together.

She stood up rather quickly, hoisting her saddlebags over her withers and retrieving her Stetson. Apple Bloom felt a pang of guilt sink into her stomach as she eyed Cheerilee’s concerned expression in her peripheral.

“Apple Bloom.”

She froze in the doorway. She could feel Cheerilee staring at her.

“You left another exam incomplete. Is there… something you want to tell me?”

Apple Bloom bit her lip. At least with a question like that, she wouldn’t have to lie.

“No, Ma’am.”

There was a pregnant pause. Cheerilee eventually conceded with a sigh. “Well... alright. But if something’s bothering you, you can talk to me. You know I’ll listen to any problem you might have, even if it’s personal.”

Personal was an understatement as far as she was concerned.

“Thank ya kindly, Miss Cheerilee.”

Without giving her a second glance, Apple Bloom trotted outside.

Cheerilee shook her head as she stared over at Apple Bloom’s exam, paying close attention to the small tiara doodled across the side of it.

A small smile formed on her lips.

“I guess it was only a matter of time.”


Apple Bloom steadied her breathing as she closed the door behind her. As she trotted over toward Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, she was immediately pulled into their conversation.

“How well do you think you did on that test?”

“Why did she have to start with a math exam of all things? That sucked.”

“You looked like you were having trouble near the end there. Did you study?”

Apple Bloom’s eyes comically raddled around. She shook her head, unable to tell who was asking what questions.

“Take it down a notch, gals. I still got numbers floatin’ around in my brain. I don't need to be any more confused than I already am.”

A new voice interrupted their conversation. Apple Bloom recognized it immediately.

“I didn't know it was possible for you to be more confused. As a matter of fact, I’m surprised you managed to get to school all on your own.”

Diamond Tiara gave Apple Bloom a sly smirk as Silver Spoon giggled next to her, eyeing the other two crusaders with a predatory stare.

Apple Bloom scowled. “Are them’s fightin’ words I hear?”

The pink filly waved a dismissive hoof at her. “Fight? You wish I was petty enough to hit you, blank flank.”

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle rolled their eyes. A small crowd had formed around the five of them. Apple Bloom’s glare hardened.

"I told you once and I’ll tell ya again. I ain’t a blank flank no more, Tiara. Got anything more original, or are we taking a trip back to the golden years of me being bright eyed and bushy tailed and you being a right ol' bitch? Oh, wait. Yer still one of those, ain't ya?”

A collective gasp came from the crowd. Heat rose to Diamond face, but she held her ground. “It doesn’t matter if you have your cutie mark or not. You’re still a nopony, that’s not going to change. Not now, not ever.”

“Yer nothin’ more than a two-faced, yellow belly sidewinder,” Apple Bloom growled, grinding her hooves into the dirt.

Diamond giggled, a devious grin plastered on her face. She turned away from Apple Bloom, but spoke as she walked away. “Once I take over the business in Canterlot, I won’t have to talk to hick mud ponies like you.”

Apple Bloom huffed, turning in the opposite direction and walking back to Sweet Apple Acres. Though not before making one last remark.

“Good! You'll fit right in with all the other snobs with poles up their flanks!"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stared at their friend as she trudged on home, before glancing over at Silver Spoon, who looked just as puzzled as they were.

“Do you think they’re overdoing it— just a little?” Scootaloo asked aloud.

Silver Spoon simply shrugged her shoulders.


Apple Bloom sighed, leaning her head against Diamond Tiara as the two of them sat under an apple tree. This had been routine for over a week since the barn incident: go to class, start a pissing match with each other, then get intimate in private near the far end of the orchard.

“How long are we gonna keep this up, Di?”

Diamond chuckled. “I don’t know about you, but I think it’s kind of fun. Messing with you used to feel like a chore, but now I feel like it’s a nice little treat every day.”

“Yer still a total bitch,” Apple Bloom muttered.

“Yes, but I’m your bitch.”

Apple Bloom leaned her head against Diamond as she let out a content hum, planting a kiss under her neck and nuzzling her.

“I know we ain’t exactly lyin’ to them, but I don’t feel like I make a very convincing actress. Don’t ya think we’re making it a little too obvious?”

Diamond paused, looking up at Apple Bloom and giving her a coy smile. “We’ll tell everypony soon. Well… we’ll tell our friends and your sister at least.”

Apple Bloom put a hoof to her head, groaning. “Granny Smith is probably rollin’ around in her grave right about now, and don’t even get me started on what Applejack would say!”

“What would I say, sugarcube?”

The farm filly nearly jumped out of her own bones, breaking away from Diamond and spinning around. Her back slammed against the tree behind her.

“Applejack! I swear I can—”

Applejack stuffed a hoof in Apple Bloom’s mouth. “Please... don’t say that phrase again. I don’t need a reminder of what you two did in that barn,” she shuddered. “Still can’t get the get the images out of my head, matter of fact.”

Diamond Tiara stared over at the two of them in amusement. “How do you always manage to find us at just the wrong time, Applejack?”

She snorted. “Wrong time? You two are always out here, I just tend to ignore ya. I just heard you two talkin’ about me and decided to stop by.”

Apple Bloom blanched. “Yer tryin’ to tell me that you’ve been watching us for over a week?!”

“You’re not very sneaky, if that’s what yer asking.”

The filly dropped her head, burying her face in the dirt in an attempt to hide her burning blush.

Diamond Tiara giggled at her expense. “I guess since Applejack already knows, we might as well tell our friends as well. I’ll talk to Silver Spoon and tell her to meet me at Sugarcube Corner, you do the same.”

“Fine,” Apple Bloom muttered.


The five of them sat around a table at Sugarcube Corner, staring at each other in silence.

It was incredibly awkward, to say the least.

Diamond broke the silence with a cough. “So, do you have any idea why we gathered you three?”

Sweetie, Scootaloo and Silver glanced over at Apple Bloom, then back to her. Sweetie Belle was the first to speak up. “I think we have a pretty good idea, but it’d be better if we heard from the two of you first.”

Apple Bloom breathed deeply. “Diamond and I are… together.”

...

“It’s about time,” Silver Spoon remarked as Scootaloo hoofed over a couple of bits to Sweetie Belle.

“Wha- Why are ya givin’ her money, Scoots?! Did you two bet on whether we’d get together or not?” Apple Bloom cried out.

Scootaloo smirked. “Not if, when. I bet it would happen after graduation, Sweetie Belle bet before. Needless to say, I lost.”

Thump!

Apple Bloom slammed her head against the table, causing their assorted milkshakes to rattle in place.

“I guess that settles that then. Though I have to admit, I expected that to be harder than it was,” Diamond said as she gently patted her marefriend on the back.

Silver Spoon frowned. “I mean, this is great and all, but when are you going to tell your parents, Di?”

Diamond Tiara looked her dead in the eyes as she reached for her strawberry milkshake, sipping it slowly before before setting it back down again.

“For that, I’m going to need a stronger drink.”

Author's Note:

I think it's safe to say, I'm done with contests for now. :applejackconfused:

That being said, this was enjoyable to write, albeit a lot of work. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. :twilightsmile:

Comments ( 62 )

:rainbowlaugh: That was me throughout the whole story.

JackRipper
Moderator

8432166
Dang dude, I just submitted it. :scootangel:

I'm adding it to my personal library. Thanks for the entry. We still haven't gotten the folder in the group working.

JackRipper
Moderator

8432200
Happy to contribute, :twilightsmile:

JackRipper
Moderator

It's cue, not queue.

WAIT HOLD UP IS THAT A STEVEN UNIVERSE REFERENCE?

Damn, you get the honour of being in my favourites!

JackRipper
Moderator

8432247
Am honored :scootangel:

8432248
I'm sure you shall have many stories there long before I stop frequenting this site. :ajsmug:

Well, this is the first time i stopped reading one of your stories halfway through. I'm too tired to read a story like this properly.

Expect my long as buck comment tomorrow ( not that you should really care about what some no name has to say about your stuff, but it's fun writing those).

However, aside from endless amonts of praise, i think there will also be a good amount of criticism, though that might evaporate once i'm done reading the whole thing. Granted, it will only be criticism based on the extremely high standard of quality your writing has, based of it's own merit this was enjoyable so far.

A gorgeous little piece. Apologies for my inability to help out on it more.

JackRipper
Moderator

8432566
You're all good my dude, you would have had more to do if there were less people involved. :twilightsheepish:

Ya know, not gonna lie.... kind of done with AntagonistDT since her character got that upgrade in 2015. Say what you want, but it adds more depth to her as opposed to just being a 2 dimensional bully,

JackRipper
Moderator

8432675
I think the word 'upgrade' here is entirely subjective. She was an antagonist, but she often added conflict, without the conflict, there'd be no story.

She was quite 2-dimensional before 'Crusaders of the Lost Mark,' and I chalk that up to poor character development on the writers' behalves. :unsuresweetie:

8432690
I'm honestly just surprised my comment didn't get a storm of dislikes.

JackRipper
Moderator

8432875
I think that there's a lot of merit to what you have to say. She could have made a better antagonist if she was more fleshed out before that particular episode, and it was a shame that she was only developed after her reformation.

8432883
And then promptly shoved off into the character Ether never to be heard from again. It's insane and cruelly ironic that two years ago, I hated her character probably more than any other previously introduced, and now when I actually WANT to see more of her, she's nowhere to be found.

8432690
They did attempt to justify it with Spoiled Rich; the 'mother passing on her disdain for 'commoners' to her daughter' shtick.
Doesn't quite work fully, since Spoiled didn't exactly exist prior to Crusaders of the Lost Mark (which causes an issue with One Bad Apple - Applejack threatens Di with 'telling her mother of her bullying', when we later found out said mother started the bullying in the first place), but Hasbro did try to justify it, at least.

How to make C-levels go golden-parachute at breakneck speeds.

I can't say if comedy is the most appropriate tag, considering the bomb Apple Bloom drops a quarter way into the story. I think it would be better left as just drama, since dramas can have both moments of humor and hardship. It kind of mislead me to think this story was gonna be different from what it really was. This isn't to say I didn't enjoy that moment, in truth I found that to be the highlight of the work as a whole.

Since this is a romance I was expecting ponies kissing, and nuzzling, but to be honest I think it happened too soon, and at the wrong moment. I was captured by Apple Bloom's speech of changing and moving on, and the subsequent follow up of Diamond Tiara's comments on her family life. It's just I was caught off guard, since my mind was still caught up on Granny Smith, and how it effects these ponies on a deeper level. If you were to let Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara do their thing together at a later time, I honestly would have saw it conveyed in a better light.

Sorry to be a bit negative there, I did enjoy some parts of it, in fact I immensely enjoyed those parts, it's just these two issues that brought it down for me. Best of luck in future writings, and have a nice day.

JackRipper
Moderator

8433209
Comedy and Romance aren't my strong suit. Dark and horror stories are my preferred genre, so this was treading slightly foreign territory. :raritywink:

Still, I appreciate the criticism, and I feel like you made valid points. My comedy could use some tuning, and I'll continue to work on it over time. Cheers! :scootangel:

MJP

I just find the people that act like diamond tiara can be "reformed" in any way cute

Lol, bets on your friends are the best. This is surprisingly good for an alt.

JackRipper
Moderator

8433424
Not an alt, just in a Discord server with my friends. :scootangel:

8433451 So you've been messing with me this entire time?

This was a fun little read. Thanks for the laughs!

JackRipper
Moderator

8433605
Thank you. :heart:

“Yer still a total bitch,” Apple Bloom muttered.

“Yes, but I’m your bitch.”

Phrasing!:fluttershbad:

JackRipper
Moderator

8433720
Exactly what it says on the tin.
:trollestia:

8432690

Upgrade is correct, subjective or not - relegating it to subjectivity by note is essentially saying 'That's wrong but you can think that'. The kind of crap she levied on those kids as a bully was case enough to cause long-lasting childhood trauma which would have had a chance to alter the path that their growth and maturity might otherwise have taken. Changing the adults they would otherwise have been and essentially warping their entire lives. Realistically speaking, anyway.

To say I hated her for that is no understatement. But with her development and reformation, while cleverly deflecting her reason for being such a little shit over to her mother, they got the intended reaction from people like me. I'm okay with DT now, despite that I essentially saw her as Pony Satan prior.

Fun story, by the way. Tiarabloom and Silverbelle wind up being good ships. Though to actually support your ideas on conflict, Silverbelle's lost some of its impact with reformed Tiara.

While Diamond Tiara still being a bitch feels weird in this day and age, this was cute. I enjoyed this a lot, as the dynamic sort of felt right. I'd love to see this expanded on with a sequel, where Diamond Tiara has to face the issue of telling her parents that she's a lesbian.

I may have read the chapter title in the voice of Yosemite Sam.

JackRipper
Moderator

8434324
Some day, I will write a sequel to one of my one-shots. :rainbowlaugh:

JackRipper
Moderator

8434645
Can't say I know who that is. :derpytongue2:

8434653
Wait, really? Yosemite Sam. A gun happy member of the Looney Toons. One of his famous bits with Bugs Bunny was a western bit.

Bugs: Now, just a minute, Pard'nar! You can't talk to me like that! Thems Fight'n words!

Sam: Yeah~, Thems Fight'n words.

Bugs: I dare ya to step over this line!

Sam: Okay, Imma stepp'n.
Really, the whole bit is classic. Look it up.

“Hey, blank flank!"

That friendship didn't last long, huh?

Over all it's a pretty good story, though it doesn't have a lot of real tension which lessens to emotional payoff. You did establish that there was an attraction despite their bickering, but it still felt a bit rushed. That also made the reveal that everypony else were expecting them to get together seem strange. I'd say this story feels like there's a lot of context missing, like it's several chapter's worth of development compressed into one, with some substantial and important material omitted. Again, it's not bad, but a bit weak in the storytelling.

The rules of contests forbid me from reading this before the contest is over...

JackRipper
Moderator

8434825

That also made the reveal that everypony else were expecting them to get together seem strange.

I was trying to make it a comedic theme that everypony they talked to knew already and didn't care, as if the drama they stirred up was pointless. I suppose I didn't emphasize that well enough. :twilightsheepish:

JackRipper
Moderator

8434962

If and only if a story is tagged Complete before the deadline, we will accept requests to look at it early.

Please look at it early for me? :scootangel:

8435035

Yeah, I could pretty much tell what you were going for, but I think that sort of thing would need a longer and more involved plot to set up.

Also, on a personal note, I'm not sure I find that sort of thing especially funny to begin with. I actually think it would be more amusing if their friends completely misunderstood what was going on and were like: "We need to get those two to get along better before they strangle each other or something!"

8435039
I'm not part of the contest's management or anything. I'm a potential competitor. I just can't look at the competition until the deadline is met.

JackRipper
Moderator

8435473
Whatever floats your boat. :derpytongue2:

Was a nice read. :twilightsmile: Really liked it.

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