Common Sense

by All Art Is Quite Useless

Blue Portals and Bluer Pegasi

Bob McEveryman woke up to the stagnant bliss of another completely ordinary day, as he usually did. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, letting the last remnants of his dream slip away, he noticed something was amiss. Namely, there was a small, blue portal sitting at the edge of his bed, innocuous in its soothing hues, but sparkling with ethereal energy all the same.

Bob considered himself to be a man of curiosity, rather than one of pragmatism or self-preservation, and as such –after giving his room a sidelong glance, wondering if her might ever see it again– he crawled through the tight, constricting aperture of the glowing cerulean gate before him, squeezing his body through like a mess of carbon forced into a malleable liquid paste.

As he emerged on the other side, his flesh tangible and properly proportioned once more, he was met with a glaring sunlight, his arse firmly planted on the softest grassy plains he had ever known.

It didn’t take Bob long to conclude that he had somehow, inexplicably arrived in Equestria. Bob liked to consider himself a pretty perceptive bloke, and between the forest that sat behind him, the absurd castle sitting in the distance, and the heavily contrived and obvious portal at his back, there was no doubt.

Bob allowed a small smile to cross his face. The reason for his happiness was twofold. First, he must have been the first human being to discover that there were, in fact, portals to other dimensions, and that they could appear seemingly anywhere, and second, he thought ponies were pretty rad.

That struck him as a strange coincidence, after a moment’s thought. Of all the people that could have been interdimensionally teleported to colourful horse land, why him, someone who was already aware of the place? There were over seven billion people on his planet, he was sure the majority would not only have no clue what ‘Equestria’ was, they wouldn’t be especially happy to be there.

Still, the incredible unlikeliness wasn’t enough for Bob to draw a direct correlation, he didn’t want to make any assumptions. Rather, he was content to breathe in the sights, admiring the abundantly painted world that lay before him, offering everything from adventure to sanctuary, even companionship.

He looked up and saw a Rainbow-maned pegasus clearing away the midmorning clouds, because for some reason weather was regulated and implemented in Equestria, rather than being allowed to develop naturally. Bob was almost certain that some cynic would draw a connection between the artifice of the weather and the manufactured, animated nature of the world he witnessed.

Still, his time on the far reaches of the internet quickly distracted him from such thoughts, instead leading him to look at Rainbow Dash in a less-than-chaste manner. A needling concern in the back of his mind led him to wonder whether he would be met with fear or welcome, should he expose himself.
No. If there was anything the internet had taught him, it was that the general consensus was that if a human were to just magically land in Equestria, chances were that every mare in the vicinity would immediately hit the height of estrus and be all over him like a bipedal salt lick.

Bob briefly considered what it would be like to have a harem made up of anthropomorphised sentient cartoon horses. He slowly inclined his head in approval.

Then he remembered that polyamory was an unrealistic expectation and rarely led to a functioning relationship in the real world, and quickly adjusted his aspirations suitably. He could still marry Princess Twilight Sparkle and become the Prince of Ponyville.

But why stop there? Why not marry Celestia? It was likely she hadn’t taken a husband in the last thousand years, perhaps Bob –an average looks, average intelligence twenty-something year old– was just what the immortal, incomprehensible, omniscient solar goddess was looking for?

Bob wondered just how different their two worlds were. While it was clear that he could breathe Equestrian air, what he didn’t know was whether or not he now had superpowers, for whatever reason. He concluded to test this theory in future. Maybe he could use the unrivalled power of seduction to win the heart of the princess he so desired? Well, as soon as he worked out which one he wanted. Maybe he’d test his potential powers on the prismatic pony above him first, who was currently
giving him quite the show.

By now, Bob was pretty sure that he just wanted to fuck a horse. He let the gravity of this revelation sink in. Here he was, transported beyond the realms of human imagination into what by all rights should have been a dream world, an impossibility, but instead could potentially be a vast and complex system of interacting life, strange technology, and stunning nature, all complimented by a rich history and lore, and Bob’s second and strongest thought since arriving had been to bone something furry.

Turning his head, he noticed that the portal behind him was beginning to shrink in size, its form reducing in on itself like a sun laden pupil slowly constricting.

This clearly meant that the portal was going to close soon. Bob, like most people, wasn’t an expert on portals, but he was willing to hazard a pretty strong guess here.

By instinct, he looked up at Rainbow Dash’s backside again. With a sense of urgency, he weighed his options.
He could either stay here, in the magical land of Equestria, where he might or might not obtain a pony waifu and live out his days in relative elation and gratification, or he could return to his family, his friends, his life, his job, everything he had ever known, loved, hated, or appreciated prior to this one decisive moment.

Bob swivelled his head, taking in a panorama view of the sights before him, before throwing himself into the imploding blue portal like a limp ragdoll, his being cascading through the ducts of space, leading his matter back to his bedroom, which was much like how he had left it, save the five minutes that had passed on the clock, and the bacon sandwich that sat on his desk, presumably left by his mother.

Bob smiled greatly, knowing he had made the right choice. He quickly tore through his sandwich before going to find some underwear to put on, wiping grass stains off his arse as he went.

Bob has common sense. Be like Bob

Comments

[MidnightShy21]

Looks good! I'll definitely tell you what I think after I read it (sorry, don't have time now)

[Allstar13521]

Wait I found a plothole!

Bob considered himself to be a man of curiosity, rather than one of pragmatism or self-preservation,

Bob has common sense. Be like Bob

There is a direct contradiction here, I demand you rewrite your whole story to accommodate me!

In all seriousness though, it was good, funny and to the point. Like.

[LyraAlluse]

Bob is a legend. We should all aspire to be like Bob. T^T

[Haysit T Ganaram]

The sarcasm here is incredibly heavy and i love all of it.

That being said.
I don't know whether the ending was just a comedic twist or the equivalent of saying people only or at least primarily want to go to equestria because they are kinky.

Personally, if I was in this situation I would play the opposite card.
I would use common sense and not even consider going back to the human world.

Human world < pony world.
Every time.

[Griseus]

Neat.

[Marowak47]

...for some reason this gives me Stanley Parable vibes

[Loganberry]

(Slightly) fuller review here, but in brief: I appreciate that this fic doesn't take itself overly seriously. The satire isn't light-touch enough to work for me, though.