• Member Since 23rd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 24th, 2021

EclipseSight


Just a guy who likes to write. I let my stories go where they please. I'm just their instrument of creation.

E
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Sunset Shimmer and Starlight Glimmer. Two ponies who are all too familiar with regret. Though they have just met, both can see a little of themselves in the other. After helping her friends stop the misguided rampage of Juniper Montage, Starlight is faced with another problem. Completely by accident, she uncovers Sunset's unrequited wish. To reunite with Princess Celestia.

With Sunset too enveloped in regret to undertake the journey alone, Starlight agrees to help. Pitted against their own doubts, will they be able to pull through or will Sunset's greatest wish go unanswered?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 16 )

I've read this first chapter and this story looks really interesting I will be keeping an eye on this story as it gets further developed. :twilightsmile:

8387577 Hehe, thanks. Like I said, 1 or 2 days is about all I'll need so you hopefully shouldn't be waiting too long. Thanks for the comment. Good luck on your own story. I'm sorry you've been having issues with it but keep at it. Sometimes better ideas come in the face of adversity. Or, something like that... Anyway! Have a nice day!

8387583
Thank you, I look forward to reading your comments on it. Hope you have a nice day as well. :twilightsmile:

I love this.
Absolutely adorable, and the little touch with "Of course Celestia handled it" was perfect.

Thank you so much for writing: this is my favorite Celestia&Sunset reunion, or at least one of :)

8393373 Hehe. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Even though writing it dragged me through Tartarus and back I had a lot of fun writing it. I liked that little moment too. It felt like something Celestia would do. Thanks for the comment. Have a nice day!

You portrayed the characters so well. The dynamics between Starlight and Sunset, I have no words. I Love this story. I love the reunion you gave Sunset and Celestia. It was so emotional, I have tears in my eyes. I bookmarked your story that how much I love it. I have never done that before.

8412701
Thanks for the comment. That really means a lot. I put a lot of work into this and I'm glad people enjoyed it. Have a nice day!

So I like to write Sunset a lot, and I've got my own "redemption" story of hers, and everything in this story is what I was hoping to achieve with mine but simply could not. The way you wrote Sunset and Starlight, the way you had Celestia reunite, and even the small talk in the human world was so great.

This was really, really awesome.

8752492
Heh, thanks for the praise. This was a really hard one to write. I was back and forth with it for ages. I'm glad people are liking it as much as they do. Thanks for the comment. Have a nice day.

but I was still scared, Scared that I would hurt him now

:trixieshiftleft:

Despite the other girls numerous mumbled protests

:trixieshiftright:

Oh man, this might be the Starlight and Sunset story I've been looking for ever since Mirror Magic. Hopefully the next two chapters can match this one.

My hopes have gotten higher.

once again she helpless against the raging torrent that followed.

You accidentally a word.

Yes. This is the Sunset and Starlight story I've been looking for. This was wonderful. There were a bunch of grammatical mistakes, but I don't care. This is what I've been looking for. The one that gives me hope there are more. The one I remember fondly after reading a couple junky ones even if it's your fault I took a chance on the junky ones.

“There's still a lot of the human world I've got to show you. If you're up for it that is.”

Yespls

Hiya there, EclipseSight!

I have some thoughts.


We’ll start with the positives. Overall, the story is fabulous. I loved the inner workings of both Sunset’s and Starlight’s minds. Your flowery prose and long paragraphs work well within context of this story. To both unicorns, time is moving at an unbearably slow pace, both of them panicked and deeply lost in thought. In any other story, the narration and paragraph would look out of place. But in this context, it’s perfect.

The Sun Sets Before Starlight is missing the [Drama] tag, isn’t it? This is very obviously much a drama. A great one, mind you. So, long story short, lovely work. Here’s an upvote and a bookshelf add!


And now for some issues.

The story suffers from two main problems: section breaks and the infamous Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You frequently referred to Starlight as ‘the lilac colored girl’, Sunset as the ‘fiery haired girl’ or the ‘golden unicorn’, and this chapter, Celestia as the ‘the solar princess’. This wouldn’t be a problem if it was sparse, but it’s not. The LUS is pretty jarring and distracting. If a character has a name, it’s best to refer to it as often as possible.

Now I mentioned something about section breaks. When the perspective or the scene changes, this needs to be made clear. Take this extract, for instance:

Dumbfounded, Starlight stared at the two words, almost losing her grip on the pen. “Seriously?” she snorted, readjusting her hold and scribbling down her annoyance.

Twilight? That's about as helpful as a broken horn! What's going on?

Back at the castle of friendship, Twilight picked up her large, snowy white swan feather quill. Disbelief was still etched across her face. Her student had managed to pull off in a day what she had been subtly, and at times not so subtly, been trying for months. It had stumped her, being the catalyst for more than one sleepless night. Yet, after only a day, Starlight had managed to convince Sunset to finally put the past behind her. Wiping the solitary tear of pride that had started to slide down her cheek, she drafted a reply. Though not before chuckling at the obvious irritation radiating from Starlight's message.

There should a section break right before the “Back at the castle of friendship” line, and another one when the perspective changes to Starlight’s.

Here’s another one.

It helped, only marginally but it helped. Exhaling, Starlight nodded and quietly left the room. When the door shut behind her, Twilight turned to the portal. “I think I should get a start on making any return trips a lot easier from now on,” Humming a merry tune, she got to work.

The only train cart that had enough space for two was still relatively crowded, forcing them to sit uncomfortably close together. Sunset spent the entire journey staring at the floor, making herself as small as possible. Starlight took the window seat, letting dread fill her as she watched Canterlot draw ever nearer. It was a stupid thing to do but her eyes were glued to the impending doom. Even with Twilight's bolstering confidence, by the time they stepped onto the platform she thought her legs would fail her. “Well...we're here,” she said uselessly, unable to bear the heavy silence any longer.

There is obvious scene change from Twilight in her castle to Starlight and Sunset in the train. But there needs to be some way to distinguish it.


All of that being said, I loved this story. It’s going into my ’Favorite Drama’ bookshelf. You keep writing, Eclipse!

“-that not talking about it just feels...normal.” Standing, Starlight walked over to where Sunset was sitting against the wall. She had planned to settle down next to the other girl, to at least attempt to comfort her, but instead, ended up misjudging the distance to the ground and losing her balance. She toppled backward, landing flat on her back with her arms and hair splayed out over the floor. Somewhere along the descent her beret had fallen off and ended up beneath the sofa where she had started. “Umm...oops?” she tried, smirking sheepishly at the ceiling.

It was a beanie, not a beret. :duck:

“My past?” Starlight tilted her head upwards to stare at the ceiling, pondering the question. “Day by day. Living in the moment, as I said. It's... hard but I'm able to do it most of the time...The less you think about it the less it hurts.” She shuddered and blinked to clear the haze beginning to cloud her eyes. “There have been days where I'd lock myself in my room and hate myself, but they've become-” she twisted her hand in a circle and made a disgusted noise. “-less frequent.”

As someone who often has a tough time on letting go of things in the past or things I've done that upset people, some of them are just hard to let go of. :fluttercry:

“Sunburst was a little different. He was the entire reason I went on my crusade, the reason I turned cold and bitter. I had done nothing to him but I was still scared, Scared that I would hurt him now, that he would hate me for what I did. I feared his judgment even after all those years and I feared what it would do to me. Would I have turned back to stone, or would I just crumble, becoming useless to everyone?”

scared. Scared that I would hurt him now,*

Stealing into Sunset's room was easy, at least compared to the Canterlot Archives. Even her cumbersome grasp of her new limbs and lack of magic could not make the task more than trivial Finding the journal in the dark was the hard part. More than once she bashed her hands against something hard, like the rickety old dresser or even Sunset's bed. The first time she had been unable to stop her gasp and Sunset had shifted in her sleep. After several moments of listening to the blood pulsing in her ears, everything had returned to stillness and Starlight had gotten back to work.

than trivial. Finding*

The next response was noticeably neater, reverting back to Twilight's usual perfectly formed, if a little bland, lettering. “It's important to make your writing readable for everypony, no matter what...” she would often say, which would have Starlight rolling her eyes. She was always in too much of a rush to be neat. As long as she was able to read it, that was fine for her. Writing without a horn had worsened the problem immensely. She just had to hope Twilight could decipher the broken squiggles that were trying to pass off as letters on her page. Thankfully, it seemed the alicorn could

it seemed the alicorn could.*

Taken aback by the suggestion, Starlight glowered at the aforementioned instruments and spat the pen out into them. Slowly, she curled her fingers around the smooth cylinder and tried to get a comfortable grip. After several minutes of fiddling, she finally managed to get something akin to decent hold on the pen and tried writing. It was easier, but it was still comparable to trying to etch into stone with a spoon. She really needed her magic back.

Or just learn how to write as a human. :twilightblush:

She found her fellow unicorn still asleep and though her position was more subdued than she had expected, Sunset found herself blinking rapidly. The lilac skinned girl was sitting with her head tilted onto her shoulder, arms resting on a large, familiar book. A feebly blinking torch had tumbled to the floor at her feet and a pen nestled snugly in one of her hands. Gently, Sunset pried the journal away from her grasp. Cradling the book in one arm, she slowly pulled it open. The subject was obvious to her before she read the first word, what struck her was the volume. Over twenty pages had been filled throughout the night, passing between two different hands. One she recognised as Twilight's hornwriting, the other was obviously Starlight's attempt at writing without her magic.

Wow, looks like Starlight wrote a lot more than we expected! :pinkiegasp:

“Wonder if that's how I look sometimes...” Sunset asked noone, musing over the thought for a moment before trying to go back to her toast. She was interrupted by another soft whimper, followed by a selection of murmurings that buzzed around in her ears. For a long time, she tried to keep to herself but the disturbances only worsened. Curious, and a little concerned, she cautiously made her way over to Starlight. Only when she was right next to Starlight did the ramblings begin to unravel.

Sunset asked no one,*

A snort escaped Starlight and she folded her arms. “I'd like to see some of your first attempts.” Grumbling, she sat back down on the sofa, maintaining her grumpy air. It lasted merely seconds before the scowl turned into a serious expression. “Do you agree with my suggestion?”

maintaining her grumpy hair.*

An imperceptible tightening of her jaw was the only clue Starlight gave of her discomfort before she masked it with a laugh. “Oh...that one...Yeah, I really did not like failing tests when I was younger. My...” her face adopted an all too genuine frown. “-mother had this annoying habit of dropping mock quizzes on me at every opportunity. To the point where I still have nightmares about it... It's nothing, honest.”

Ok? :unsuresweetie:

The only train cart that had enough space for two was still relatively crowded, forcing them to sit uncomfortably close together. Sunset spent the entire journey staring at the floor, making herself as small as possible. Starlight took the window seat, letting dread fill her as she watched Canterlot draw ever nearer. It was a stupid thing to do but her eyes were glued to the impending doom. Even with Twilight's bolstering confidence, by the time they stepped onto the platform she thought her legs would fail her. “Well...we're here,” she said uselessly, unable to bear the heavy silence any longer.

The only train car that had*

“Y-yes...” Sunset would murmur, knowing without the use of a mirror that her cheeks had turned the same colour of her mane.“It was horrible! I was a total laughing stock! But what does that have to do with who gets to name the new boat? It's just a boat.”

mane. "It was*

“Thanks...” Sunset whispered gratefully, slowly turning her head to survey the room they were in. Even through the thick layer of dust that had settled in every single corner, she could remember it well. After all these years, it lay completely untouched. “This...This is my old room. Y'know, when I lived at the castle.”

Sure explains her quietness. :applejackunsure:

Roughly drawing a hoof across her eyes, Sunset swallowed to try and clear the lump that her memories were forcing painfully against her larynx. “I-I...don't know. I guess...it's nice to see it again, even if it is covered in dust...” Sighing heavily, she stood up and placed her hooves onto the massive bed. Even now, it felt far too big, swallowing her hooves into its soft, inviting mass. That was just the way she liked it. “I...I wonder why it was never re-used.”

Maybe Celestia left it that way incase she ever returned? :applejackconfused:

Unable to believe her luck, Starlight shoved her bang out of her eyes. It did nothing for her dishevelled appearance, which only seemed to worsen in the presence of the immaculate princess. “Actually, I've been looking for you. There's uh...” she stalled her tongue and mulled over the best way to explain. If she let slip that Sunset was involved, then the meeting may never take place. A meeting that everything was riding on.“...Something you need to see.”

on. "...Something*

“Of course!” Starlight assured her, nodding her head forcefully. Even though it worsened the churning in her stomach, she had to make sure Sunset knew she was serious. “No matter what happens, I'm staying. I promised I wouldn't make you do it alone.

alone."*

Starlight dipped her head in understanding then turned back to the door. “You can come in now Princess.” With bated breath, the lilac unicorn waited as the air around her thickened uncomfortably. This was the moment of truth.

No turning back now. :fluttershysad:

“Oh, Sunset...” she murmured, slowly wrapping her soft wing around Sunset and pulling the quivering mare into a warm embrace, just as she had all those years ago. “It has been too long. I should never have sent you away that day.”

I had a feeling Celestia would feel something after all this time. :ajsmug:

Closing her eyes, the solar princess pulled Sunset a little closer. “Like you, I have made mistakes. Considerably more of them as it happens. And yet...with many more years than either you or Starlight-,” she inclined her head in the lilac mare's direction. “-have had, I still made the same mistake with you as I did with Luna.”

Starlight-" she*

Celestia sighed and turned away from them both, staring out through the large window into the garden below. Her loyal subjects milled around in it peacefully, able to enjoy its many exotic wonders. Their happiness was a testament to her success, which had been built on a foundation of many regrets.“Rather than simply explain why I did not want you pursuing the mirror, I foolishly avoided the topic, citing that you were not ready. Naturally, that only increased your desire and fuelled your curiosity. I saw this and yet I did nothing.” She lowered her head in shame as the weight of such regrets tugged at her. “Just as I did with Luna. I saw the pain that she felt when others shunned and neglected her night, yet I did nothing. In both cases, I was in a position to help and yet did nothing. Instead, I placed the burden of responsibility on you both until it was too late.”

regrets. "Rather*

Unwilling to hear more, Sunset leapt to her feet and glared angrily at Celestia.“I should have found the answer on my own! I shouldn't have been what I was! I should have just listened!”

Celestia. "I*

They stayed like that, time quickly becoming irrelevant. Having been apart for so long, neither wanted to break the bond again. Eventually, the pair pulled apart, though Celestia kept one wing wrapped around Sunset's shoulder. The sight pressed an unintentional but very welcome smile onto Starlight's face. Satisfied that her work was done, she made to back away. Her plans were thoroughly ruined by the firm magically grip that took hold of her tail. Bewildered, she turned back around. What had she missed?

firm magical grip*

“I was just wrapping up a tour of the castle for the Duke and Duchess of Maretonia” Celestia answered casually, a subtle mischievous glint coming to her eye. She watched with quiet amusement as Sunset slowly turned towards the other unicorn. If a pin had been dropped at that exact moment, it would have been deafening.

Maretonia," Celestia answered casually,*

Panic settled in Sunset's chest and her jaw plummeted towards the floor. Her eyelids opened to their fullest extent in an instant and her whole body felt numb and useless. The deepest recesses of her mind began to tweak her senses, turning every shadow into a guard waiting to pounce. A quick shake of her head cast aside those idiotic over-exaggerations, allowing her to focus her incoming eruption on the source of their new problem. “Are you crazy? You do realise that you've probably caused a massive panic around the castle?”

Now she's done it. :facehoof:

To reign in her merriment, Celestia quietly coughed behind a hoof. Her smile remained perfectly in place. “Yes, indeed you are Sunset. Quickly surmised as usual.”

Looks like she yelled out her frustrations for nothing. :twilightblush:

Putting on a spur of speed, she dashed off down the corridor. Left behind, Celestia allowed herself a moment to watch fondly as her student galloped through the halls she belonged in. Then, throwing decorum to the wings, she spurred her own legs into action and sprinted after Sunset. Their laughter echoed throughout the entire castle. There would be more sadness later, as their time apart had changed much. Some damage that had been caused would unfortunately never truly heal. Yet it did not matter, for a bond they had both thought severed for ever was now repaired and could now continue to grow.

severed forever was now repaired*

Despite there being many mistakes and made just months before eqg would do it, this was a great story and really expanded things on Sunset and Starlight, seeing they didn't talk much about their past in mirror Magic despite coming friends will quickly. Nevertheless, a great story that I very much enjoyed. :scootangel:

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