• Member Since 7th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

TheDreadGhost


I mostly write about the Sirens and Sunset Shimmer since I feel like their stories are underrated and I enjoy writing them the most! I hope you enjoy my silly, 'funny', and (mostly) fluff stories.

E

Rainbow Dash and Aria make a bet to find out who's girlfriend is the more chaotic one. And with the science fair around the corner, things get out of hand.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

"Jellyfish, it's only for two days.

That is without question the best cutesy nickname I’ve ever seen a shipped siren use :raritystarry:

Unfortunately, I’m sorry to say that the rest of the story didn’t work for me so well. The characters were alright; Aria and Rainbow Dash played off each other pretty well, and they were both awfully cute with their partners. However, they weren’t strong enough to carry the story on their own, and there wasn’t enough humor in their actions to make up for it. I know comedy stories are really difficult to write, but I’m afraid this one fell flat for me. I wish I could tell you definitively how you could make it better, but really I think you’d be best suited studying other good comedy authors and seeing what you can learn from them.

As for the side ships. I’m not sure I can really say they were a distraction, since, unless I missed one, there were two other pairings; SunDagio (Which I am always a fan of), and Twixie, and they both basically got a sentence or two of acknowledgment, so they were fairly inoffensive. However, because there was so little substance and they didn’t add to the plot, they felt like ships that existed in the story just for the sake of shipping those characters. And, in some cases, acknowledging those ships was the only presence those characters had: close to half of Adagio’s dialogue was taken up by her announcing she was dating Sunset, who wasn’t in the story at all. If this were part of a larger story, that might be fine, but as it is right now the side ships felt unnecessary and forced.

I would also suggest trying to find a proofreader, because there were a distracting number of typos. Reading aloud or using Fimfiction’s text-to-speech function helps me a lot when I’m editing my own work, so that might be worth trying as well. There was one particular error in dialogue punctuation I saw fairly frequently and is a little bit subtle. When you’re using a dialogue tag (Said, declared, pleaded, asseverated, etc.), you need to use a comma, not a period.
So you could, for example, have this: “Wow, the sky is really blue,” Sonata said.
Or you could have something like this: “Wow, the sky is really kinda green.” Sonata frowned, befuddled.

A similar rule works for actions in front of dialogue: if you’re using a dialogue tag, use a comma. If you’re not, use a period.

Anyway, I hope you keep writing. I liked some of your other stories, so I’d love to see more :twilightsmile:

I like the PInkieDash ship so that part is fine however one thing I do think that some editing would really help. There are some spelling errors and some odd turns of phrase in this story. I think with some editing it could work well.

Sci-Twi and Trixie on a date is something I got to see.

Your premise was good and your character's chemistry was, for the most part, fine. The characterization itself, though, left much to be desired. It lacked the depth and intensity you needed to make this a story unto itself. Rainbow Dash especially felt a bit off-brand near the beginning, with some of her dialogue coming off as decidedly not-Dashlike.

Furthermore, the resolution was muddied by a lack of proper explanation of the conflict. The lesson that was supposed to be learned by Aria and Dash is not to be mean to their girlfriends, to love them regardless of how weird and zany they are, which is cute. The problem is this was never the conflict of the story. Aria and Rainbow weren't mistreating their girls. They were simply making the observations that their girlfriends are weirdos. The bet wasn't "who's a bigger pain in the ass". The bet was "who's crazier and harder to get this science project done with". As such, for your ending, you presented a solution to a problem that never existed. Instead of having Dash and Aria apologizing for being jerks, you should've had them come to the realization that Sony and Pinkie being strange is what they love about them in the first place (and maybe also show more examples throughout the story of how the strangeness is an inconvenience at time. As is, they're mostly just amusing anecdotes). It might seem like a small change, but it could've changed my opinion on this story from "just gonna thumbs it up" to "I gotta favorite this and follow the author".

You also used that goddamn "Aria mad" pun that was beaten into the ground almost as soon as Rainbow Rocks released, but I can't take points off for that. I do dumb shit like that all the time, I'm sure it drives people batty.

Anyway, this was cute and it made me long for my glory days of writing AriNata shipfics. For that, we thank you. Have a like.

8485767
I was actually making an attempt at how Dash and Aria think because their girlfriends are weird, means they can never do right, which is why portrayed them as jerks, but not too hateable. And regarding Dash's character, I'm not a big fan of making her the villain and the biggest jerk of the story but try to show more of her egotistic and pride side. And finally, the reason why I only showed a couple of examples of their past wacky accidents, is because I prefer to show a portion of a story to my readers and let them fill the blanks. I get my point across, but I try not to overdo it.
Thanks for your criticism *smiley face*

8478499
It was meant to be a slice of life with comedy. I generally specialize in crack-fic when it comes to comedy. And maybe the characters could've used a little polish but I wanted to risk it to make an attempt at something different. Although, tsundere Aria is still the best pon- creature.

And maybe the side ships were kind of unnecessary but I couldn't help it. It originally supposed to be a Twixie science project story, but I changed it to this. And yet I still couldn't leave Twixie out.

I appreciate your criticism *thumbs up with a grinning face*

Aria shifted her attention towards Pinkie Pie was laying on her back on the bed with her head hanging over the edge. In her hands was a rubber that she kept herself busy with.

Uh, you might want to add a "band" after that rubber, because I'm getting the mental image of Pinkie playing with a condom. Not that that's not funny...

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