• Member Since 21st May, 2017
  • offline last seen Jan 20th, 2022

TheThirdBomb


I spend far too much time playing BlazBlue. And Guilty Gear. And Dota. It's a wonder to me that i'm still able to get work done.

T
Source

When Pinkie finds a strange golden arrow in the Everfree Forest, you'd think she'd leave it alone, or take it to Twilight for study. Before she can do so, however, a slight injury suddenly causes an odd apparition to introduce itself to her; simply calling itself 「Dancing Queen」. Wanting to show her new friend to the whole town, what follows is not at all what anypony could have predicted.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 43 )

I wonder, you got it set what each of the mane 6 are gonna get as Stands?

8380637
Pretty much making them up as I go along here. I have a faint end goal in mind, and certain characters have guaranteed abilities but I shant spoil more than that.

Names I have a general idea of, but ideas are always appreciated!

Seeing as how this is your first attempt at writing, let me just say that I think you have a bright future ahead of you. You have Pinkie's characterization down pretty good, for the most part, and while I do have numerous complaint, overall, I think You did fine job. A few lines also got me to chuckle.

Now, my critiques are as follow: The paragraphs can be rather long and have a bunch of tangents that slow the pacing down a bit too much. Also, I think you over do Pinkie's randomness a bit too much, in addition to focusing on it as well. It's best not to analyze Pinkie's Randomness. That defeats the point. Further, shouldn't the stands be equine-like to match their users(Though, considering how varied they can be, I'm not too beat up about that), and I find Dancing Queen's design kind of out of character for someone like Pinkie. Don't get me wrong, she sounds like an awesome stand.

8380641
Stand : Sound of Silence
Stand user : ?
Destructive Power: D
Range: D
Durability: C
Speed: C
Precision: B
Development Potential: B
Ability : precise control of sound waves, allowing it to manipulate what is heard by its user and others nearby, as well as volume of sounds heard.

Potential development to being able to allow and block specific noises only, and target specific individuals.

I'd imagine a pair of headphones, and maybe he one of the 'anyone can see it, not just stand users' ones. (Like Strength in Stardust Crusaders)

...honestly, I'd see Fluttershy with it.

8380662
Mm, I have been told about my tendency to spoil the pacing before, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right to leave it so short.

Frankly; yes, they should probably be more Equine in nature. Luckily my next stand introduced is not victim to this, so i'll just...Attribute it to Pinkie being Pinkie, I suppose...? That's a stupidly weak copout even by my standards, but that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Yes, i'm not sure what possessed me to try and explain away the random nature of Pinkie Pie. Even now it feels out of place as a way to have the funny moment with the blood (never thought i'd type that out in my life.) which spoils the whole nature of Pinkie for a single joke. Probably/definitely needs changing.

8380668
I could definitely see that fitting. I should state, while I don't think I intend on copying any Stand suggested on a 1:1 ratio, I can definitely incorporate some ideas.

Given that you're one of a few commenters as of the time of writing, it's pretty high on the list of considerations, though!

Great, Pinkie's a vampire...

8382149
I'm not sure if I did a good enough job on describing the outfit. Does it give the impression that I want it to?

8382156
Took a bit, but it's essentially Dio's outfit in one iteration, right?

8382183
Right you are! It's a bit weird to translate into pony form, honestly, but that outfit doesn't really have a defining piece like most anime main villain clothes, other than the fact that it's old fashioned.

8382187
So does the outfits that Rarity's Stand creates affect the wearer' s personality or mind to match what it's inspired by? Also Pinkie needs to more careful of who she chooses "gift" Stands with. For not all people can receive one and can actually kill them if they do not survive the process.

Not to mention if the target is one weak will or pacisfitic, then will be attacked by their Stand slowing killing them. Like Holly Joestar from JoJo Part 3: Stardust Crusaders and Young kid Josuke from JoJo Part 4: Diamond is Unbreakable.

However, if the target does get a Stand, but rejects or denies their connection, then it will cause the Stand to be crazed or even outright uncontrollable. Which was the case with Fugo of Part 5 Vento Aureno.

For exmaple: So if Season 1-3 Fluttershy were to be hit by the arrow, the Stand either not manifest or kill her. Season 4-5 Might have survive but would probably slowly kill her due to her peaceful reserved nature. Whilst Season 6-7 Fluttershy having developed far more characterise, would bear no issue.

Also random speculation: since Fluttershy was once a Batpony, and IF she were to get the Stone Mask, have a Red Stone of Aka, (or something similar like say the Alicorn Amulet gem) embedded in it, then would she become an Ultimate Flutterbat like Kars, or would she just become a much stronger Vampony with possible elemental or supernatural powers like Part 1Dio or the Pillerman(including Santana)?

8382253
Yes, Pinkie does indeed need to be more careful, but i'd liken it to an addict in some way. She finds this substance which is really cool and 'helped her out of a dark place' aka the Everfree Forest, and then shows it a friend thinking it'll help her too but instead it does something bad, making her lose confidence in her new substance, until she sees another friend who looks like she needs help. Repeat the process ad infinitum. It'll take time to learn, as it takes a lot of time to get anything through Pinkie's head; see Cranky for evidence.

The rules about people getting killed by their Stands or by lack of conviction have not come up yet, but they will in time.

As for Pinkie's mental state, going by the last line of dialogue in the chapter, I think we can make a few safe guesses.

8382328
Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. Manga/Anime series; long running, pretty popular and for good reason.

Involves Vampires, Nazis, Super Vampire Aztec Gods, Magical Ghosts that ruin things for everybody (aka Stands), and rock people.

「This is a clip from part 2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BgqFYrD8UM

Oh things are getting tense quickly. Also I love the descriptions regarding the Stand designs. Let's see if the girls can turn things around.

This looks and sounds interesting and is very well written. I'm definitely following this and looking forward to more. This site definitely needs more good Jojo crossovers. (Maybe I'll even try coming up with an original stand... maybe something with magnets...)
Also imagining Pinkie with Dio's voice is just great days

8383946
Many thanks! I'm working on-and-off towards the next chapter, but i'm having some small procrastination issues at the moment; hence why i'm writing this comment.

I sometimes have to wince at how low the word counts turn out to be on some of my chapters, but the reception so far has definitely been above what I expected.

If you're looking for a title for a magnet-themed stand, I could suggest...Hrm, 「Iron Maiden」perhaps? I don't know; I tend to make up names on the spot depending on ability and user.

8383966
Well, I personally have no problems with low word counts (especially if you consider that you divide the longer chapters into smaller acts) as it makes stories easier to read in short bursts. Not to mention I prefer things to be straight to the point rather than half chapters being unnecessary filler or dialogues constantly going on useless random tangents (a problem another Jojo crossover on this site suffers from)

Also, the name sounds cool, but I should really find a user and an actual ability first.

8384870
I considered finding something like that to post at the end of every chapter.

Then I realised that like 99% of Jojo crossovers feel the urge to do the same thing.

8384872
I only posted it because at that ending I felt the urge to sing "Roundabout":rainbowwild:

8384887
It was hard deciding who to do that to, by the way. It was decided because I could make 'goodbye Rainbow' sound like 'goodbye Jojo',

That's literally all there was to that decision in my head. There is no deeper meaning.

Well the way you described it, she'd have that time travel deus ex machine once here. She was still gonna die, but she'd serve the purpose of saving Pinkie.

I like the story, however I would be amiss to not point out I found it very silly you decided to bring in mother fucking Dio Brando to fight characters who only got their stands on the same day they're fighting him!

Yes in JoJo characters die all the time, from characters like Kakyoin and Zeppilini (both of them) to droves of Speedwagon foundation employees, however if the characters that do die have any mention beyond immediately dying then they always (as far as I remember) get the chance to be in the story long enough to have chance to build a rapport with the reader.

I feel almost cheated that RD's story ends right here after only a scarce few chapters (unless you have some idea to get her back), I really like the idea that [Colors of the Wind] is similar to [Hey Ya!] in ability, trying to cheer the user up.

[Weird Science] is also an excellently designed stand, loved how it fits Twilight perfectly and with intelligent use it is capable of being very formidable.

I've given you my criticisms and my praise now let me give you a suggestion, [Dancing Queen] helped Pinkie put on the boots to the Dio Costume as such she must have touched them and could use Telekinesis on them. Now as author it's completely your decision but what if the costume had to be intact? if you want to kill off RD I can only kindly request that you let her character develop more first.

... Wow... didn't expect that:rainbowderp:... though I kinda have to agree that it comes a bit sudden and a bit of development would have been fine... but that's the drawback of the Araki-style of writing... although it takes guts to do that this early... but then not even by a villain, but Rarity and Pinkie, technically... their reactions will be interesting... Rainbow just became Grandpa Higashikata

8385567
Hrm. Very good points, on all fronts. I can't say too much for risk of revealing where i'm going with the plot, but perhaps I did go a bit too far in driving the whole 'the death is pointless and that's why it's impactful' front. I do have plans to expand on Rainbow anyway, but that's a matter for a bit later.

Truth be told, the whole Dio thing was just...Something I kinda wanted to do. Because I was stuck. I noticed that I was going to fall into the formula of 'Pinkie visits friend -> gives stand by freak accident -> shenanigans' and wanted something to introduce a proper threat without just introducing a random enemy Stand user, because that'd need me to explain how they got their Stand. And while it could be a natural thing, like a descendant, it'd reveal that Stand users have been around for a while and this particular one just happened to be evil. It's a big old rabbit hole and I figured the easiest way to solve it was have something go much worse at Rarity's before I continued too far. That, and everything thus far had been solved in 2 acts, and I wanted a bit of a longer arc.

8385482
My issue with that is that it would still be a deus ex machina (which sounds like a poor excuse as Stands are sorta the embodiment of deus ex machina).

While I admit my error in not giving Rainbow prior time to develop, she will be expanded upon later, I can guarantee it.

I'm hoping the payoff for this decision is worth it, though. Else i've just blundered very, very hard.

I'm sorry... you lost me with this.
I know you're trying to stay true to Jojo's, but just no...

8385814
Completely understandable.

Sorry I didn't meet your expectations; i'll strive to continue improving regardless. Hopefully a project in the future might make it back up to you.

You know, I can't just leave it at that. There's so much that bothers me about this. SO MUCH!

First, why bring Dio into this? Why? He's an awesome villain, yes, but in this context, it seems like cheap fanservice. If you want to make a Stand in Equestria setting, you can't just go and do stuff like this. I honestly wouldn't even mind you reusing Stands or even making nods to the series, but... jeeze.

And then there's Rainbow's Death. There is no buildup. There is no foreshadowing. There is no reason for it. Absolutely none. Even after all the deaths in Jojo's, they had time and character development for us to get to know them, and they even showed they were strong in their own right. They only did Curbstomp Battles VERY rarely because Jojos moved past that. Take the fight between Whamu and Caesar. That fight was amazing and gave impact to Caesar's death.

Honestly, it just feels like you did it because it would be cool. It wasn't. It's a lame way to kill of a character. And all it did was make me mad.

8386097
I did have plans to explain why Dio appeared in this situation, but it would take an extra chapter or two to get to it, but to all other criticisms, you are right. I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking and it was quite clear very quickly that this was not the correct decision to make.

However; I cannot take the decision back quite so easily. The best I can do is try and make it better in the future.

Again, i'm sorry that I disappointed you.

... "So did you figure out how I work?"
"... ... No."

Great chapter and a satisfying end for Dio, I forgot about Dire I guess a lot of people have though. :)

8388809
Yes, Dire was...An event that happened.

Either way, i'm glad you enjoyed this one. I was debating holding the chapter back even longer because i'd already had the next few scenes in my head, but decided that this was the fitting place to stop. That and it was like five in the morning and I hadn't slept yet.

8387045
While unexpected I will wait to see the further ramifications. Though it just feels her Stand was really pointless both in ability and purpose. Though I will wait to see the resonings going forward. Regardless her parents and a certain filly are going be devastated.

Also the Arrow is not the only way to gain a Stand. One can be born with it, have high Spiritual senses, overcoming a personal enlightenment, desperation, or on the verge of death. If one has the ability it could given as well, but it being received positively or not will be very greatly on the method.

However could outright or slowly kill said person, if said Stand was originally anothers. Which is given since they are essentially taking aspects of another person's mind into their own. As is the issue with Stand discs from Part 6 Stone Ocean of JoJo.

Heck given the setting and the numerous characters in MLP FiM that have social, emotional, and psychological breakdowns you could introduce the concept of Bound type Stands. Of which are birn from Psychological pains, wounds, fears or even disorders. Yes its from a terribly written noncanon mess of a JoJo side story, but here it can be repurposed into something could make sense.

Maybe even give rise to a potential plotline of trying to heal said issues across Equestria via the Cutie Map. So like the Cutie Map Friendship Missions but with out of control or newly gained Stand users to calm, fight, or help inform.

Speaking of Said Cutie Map and castle, if they are present, then shouldn't the Elements of Harmony be still embedded in the Branches of the Tree of Harmony? The Elements were moved to Ponyville since Season 3 and were placed into the Tree at the start of Season 4. Unless this an alternate universe or something.

8388924 Well now those unfortunate events ocurred it will finally click just how dangerous the arrow and Stands in general can be. I mean they REALLY lucky that he did notice it was there, otherwise things would have gotten WORSE.

Though I wonder if it would have even worked if [Daning Queen] is still there. Though then I remember that in Part 3 he is actually shown to have used [Hermit Purple] despite having [The WORLD]. Mostly because of Johnston's body.

Also Rarity's Stand Ability seems incredible useful if applied right. Heck if had the clothing or designs of someone important or famous they could have her use her Stand to replicateit and have it worn on a mannequins or willing person. That way they could out all kinds of useful info regarding past events, secrets or even lost history by just questioning them.


Combined with [Weird Science] could prove useful as well I ultizeing the proper actions or even witnessing events only they saw.

If Rarity were make a Rainbow Dash Costume, and put it on or make a felt magic animated, (Come to Life Spell), doll, Goelm or automaton made by Starlight & Twilght, then could still have Rainbow Dash come back. Sorta kinda. Or with [Weird Science] Twilght could examine her.... remains, sample her blood, DNA. Then just maybe with the help of Starlight could clone her. Plus then insert Rainbow's memories into the new version thanks to [Weird Science] information gathering.

8390715
I haven't read Jorge Joestar as of the moment, and I've been putting it off because frankly, from what i've heard, it sounds a little too silly for my tastes.

However, the other methods of gaining a Stand have been kept in mind, it's just that to the characters' current understanding they didn't exist until today.

As for the Elements being present, i'm going to hastily cover up that plothole by rebranding this as an au. Although, spoiler warning, I would have needed to do so after next chapter anyway.

8388696
I'm sorry to look a, erm, gift comment in the mouth, but i'm not sure what you meant by quoting that bit. Was it good, bad, incomprehensible? I'm just curious, is all.

And now that you've posted that, I have to wonder if I should start linking the music references in the comment section...

As someone who's writing at least three JoJo-pony stories at one time, I felt like I'd be remiss if I didn't read through this and throw some feedback onto the pyre. I took notes and everything, so I may go on for awhile here.

"Experimental" is a nice word for this story, not just in its plotting but in its composition. There are some genuinely great JoJo narration moments, like "Yes, the winds of change were here, and they came under the guise of one Pinkamena Diane Pie," but there are also more than a couple five-clause monster sentences. The exposition could be cut down substantially by just summarizing what was said or else making it more rapid-fire than building it one big block of text after another, but there's an art to getting readers to digest that sort of information that I think you'll pick up over time. Some of your sentences also seem to start with one goal in mind and then kind of draw an ellipse around it to reach some other conclusion, which is pretty disorienting.

For instance, "Pinkie attempted to struggle to her feet, the Timberwolf holding fast, opening its jaw in preparation for another hard bite until a single spindly arm draped in purple cloth slammed forward, cracking the log that made up the wolf's cheek and forcing it to release the mare's leg with a pained whimper, launched into a tree where it collapsed into a heap of twigs and sticks" is 66 words long and has at least three subjects. Given that your comments and author's notes are perfectly lucid and communicate your feelings well, I think this is a symptom of trying to write very quickly, or else trying too hard to sound prosaic. It's like trying too hard to be funny - the truly comedic moments for me were the ones where Pinkie acted like herself in an otherwise serious situation, like ditching Twilight.

(And you shouldn't put new dialogue in the middle of your paragraphs.)

In general, I like that Pinkie's comedy powers are just an extra talent she has on-hoof, and I hope that she gets to use them in battle like Joseph's penchant for prediction.

For the Stands, I think Dancing Queen is interesting and fits Pinkie as a comparatively talkative, "social" Stand, but I don't grok why Pinkie's mystical psychic reflection is so polite. Twilight and Weird Science are a perfect match with lots of potential stemming from a very simple power, and so far they're my favorite in terms of design.

You've already taken your lumps on Rainbow and DIO, so I won't compound them, but I'll tell you what I've have done with this kind of setup. If I were handed this story from the moment Rarity's Stand was set in stone, I would've had her complete the dresses without Pinkie just happening to put on the worst one, and then later that night have the characters deal with this rampaging monster costume party. Making DIO possess another pony would've made it possible to complicate the fight more, and make the eventual defeat more rewarding.

Also, I was glad to read in one of your notes that you want Stands to win through wit, and Dancing Queen removing the clothes was a good start, but there are a few rules I try to follow that might help you acclimate to Araki-style conflict faster. First, anything that can go wrong does, but sympathetically - the hero doesn't make dumb mistakes unless they have no time to make decisions or they're otherwise blindsided. Usually, the villain has already claimed the upper hand in whatever situation they're in, but whatever happens, the hero's friends never arrive in time to end the fight. And although new Stand powers can be revealed during a fight, the reveal itself is never what wins it - they always have to be applied creatively.

Once the fight's actually started, there's almost an equation for getting it perfect. There just needs to be a way, made clear in some way to the reader, for the hero to lose the fight without dying. The fight should be a negotiation toward that moment of defeat, with the hero trying to avoid it while the villain pushes them toward it, giving them both opportunities to show off their Stands (with the rule that the same tactic can never work twice) until the hero meets their moment of failure. From there, they just have to reverse their defeat in that one moment, like a shining beacon of peripety.

It's kind of Zen, but I think the best way to make that reversal happen is just to use the fight to kill all the possible solutions you can think of. When you've made the space for answers completely blank, the character acts on their own and presents you with the real way out. I think that's the fun of writing JoJo, and I'd encourage you to test it yourself so I can know if I'm the only one it happens to.

Overall, you're being a pretty good sport about your criticism, which I appreciate. I think it should be interesting to see how differently things go when we reach stuff you planned explicitly, although I think you should think ahead more in terms of what kind of challenges and enemies you can throw at the characters - JoJo is, after all, driven mostly by combat.

Also, if you want brackets that don't come with funky Unicode spacing, take 「these」.

8393120
Ok, finally at my pc, so I can respond now.

First off, thank you. Not to disparage any of my other commenters, but I do appreciate the storytelling and grammatical advice you've provided me. I can't promise the change will be instantaneous, but I will certainly try my best.

I was always aware that 'new speaker = new line', but the advice about not continuing dialogue in a paragraph is genuinely new to me. So that's rather embarrassing, but good to know. I have to say, I sometimes experiment with doing much shorter paragraphs and such, but it never sits well with me. I suppose that's more out of habit than anything.

Dancing Queen, as the first Stand I had to come up with, was interesting to me. I had to sort out in my head just why it's Pinkie's Stand. Honestly, i'd chalk it up to personal variation on the Stand's part. Most Stands do not have the level of sapience that Dancing Queen does, and I suppose I should make it more clear that it is one of her powers.

I would also put forward that not every Stand is a perfect reflection of their user's attitude. Cheap Trick, for instance. We have no idea if the original user was simply suicidal or mean-spirited, but I doubt it'd be to the extent where the truest desire in their mind is to kill themselves. Of course, it could very well be, and that's just baseless conjecture on my part. As Highway to Hell can attest...

Basically i'm covering up having my OC Stand paired with Pinkie.

Weird Science. I like it. I like the song. Everyone else seems to like the Stand too. I'm glad that's the case. Moving on.

As for the DIO concept...Again, the reason for his appearance is explained next chapter, I think. I haven't actually begun writing it yet, if I may confess. However, your idea was fairly similar to my original plan for the arc. It was going to allow the new costumes to properly wreak havoc at the party, except I started reading another fanfiction around the same time where a key stand was called Children of the Night. It pretty much did the exact same thing as I did, except limited to a Skeleton, a Zombie, a Mummy, Frankenstein's Monster, and a Vampire in the JoJo sense. It did the whole 'possess people' shtick too, which was...Kind of irritating. I can't imagine there'll be many viewers who would end up reading both, but I still didn't want to run too similar.

As for your next overarching piece of advice regarding JoJo fights, i'm inclined to agree, and it was part of the reason why I didn't want Rainbow Dash to run in with a new Stand and save the day. Obviously I went about that the complete wrong way, but contingency plans exist for a historically good reason.

Most of the fights in Stardust Crusaders, as you likely know, are quite often either full-group battles, or limited to one or two of the heroes. Polnareff vs Ebony Devil is one battle I particularly like, especially as it fits the ideas you bring up almost perfectly. Almost completely outmatched until the last possible moment.

Overall, the effort you've put into this feedback is highly appreciated, and will be considered for the next fight which is...Ok, admittedly not planned out too much, but hey, that just allows me to incorporate your advice more easily I suppose.

As an aside, I have to ask as I've just come off of abandoning a fanfiction that I really wanted to like. One of the key problems I had with it involved the characters all acting stiff and overly formal, not at all like themselves. So my question is this: how has the characterisation been so far, for Pinkie, Twilight, and DIO in particular? I'm concerned, because obviously our main characters are going to be shaken by the 'Rainbow Dash Incident' and will need to be subtly changed to fit this. I'm just curious as to how I've done so far.

8393866
Man, I need some lessons from you in accepting criticism. It may not sound like much of a superpower, but it gives you a big advantage over a lot of authors.

Continuing dialogue is tricky, but it mostly depends on how much time has passed. If you need to remind a reader that character X was speaking when the paragraph started, and not just write the next set of quotation marks, it's probably too long. You may want to consult a style guide over me, though.

Fair point about Cheap Trick. And funny you should mention it, Lulu's Bizarre Rebellion is partly what inspired me to write JoJo.

The reversal is the pivot on which JoJo turns: Cheap Trick will kill you if someone looks at your back, you come up with clever ways to stop that happening, someone sees your back, you win. Of course, having lots of Stand users in the same room can make it a lot easier to win, which is why 1v1s are so virtuous in JJBA.

Twilight is characterized well, but I think Pinkie and DIO have seen a quantity-over-quality approach to it. In a lot of scenes they seem to be continuously broadcasting to the reader that they're themselves, when a single good joke or ruthless murder can show who they are without the trouble. Characterization's not my strong suit, though, so I don't have much better advice on that front.

8394271
Glad i'm doing something right, I guess.

But yeah, Lulu's Bizarre Rebellion. I got up to the part where Lelouch gets turned into a vampire by CotN and got kinda uncomfortable given how close I was getting to doing the precise same thing, but this time with Dio.

In any event, i'm fine with any criticism until it devolves into name calling of any kind. Then I reserve the right to get defensive. Or just ignore it. Which is, statistically, probably more helpful.

Things like this is exactly why you should Beware the Nice Ones.

And beware of Pinkie in general. Someone who can regularly bend the laws of physics like taffy is not someone you want to piss off. Especially when that someone also has a Stand.

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