Dark Body, Light Soul (Or the Tale of the Stalfos)

by Garino

NCS 1: Dan's Bad Robe Day

NCS (Non-Canon Storyline) Daniel's Bad Robe Day

*The following is a Non-Canon Storyline, or NCS for short, not to be confused with famous Let's Player NintendoCapriSun. This has no continuity within the story, and therefore should not be taken seriously. That said, please enjoy this joke chapter and groan at the final punchline at the tail end. Again, this has no continuity within the story and shouldn't be taken seriously.*

Ah, a day off. I certainly deserved this. Between training with swords, lances, magic (which always ended horribly for some reason), freerunning, and cooking (for any fleshies that may join one day or another), I was running myself into the ground. Today, I decided to simply traverse the caverns. I carried my shield on my left arm, where it belonged, and examined every nook and cranny. Didn't want to get lost, y'know.

But, for some reason, the further I went in, a familiar, disgusting smell started lingering in the air. If it wasn't for the fact that my nose was embedded into my face, I would've held it in disgust. I ventured further, however, hoping I could find the source and make future trips down here a bit more bearable. I found a light at the end of a tunnel. I entered and then, well...things got weird.

As I entered, the ground had turned from hard rock to liquid mud. Or, I wish it was just mud. The noxious smell was making it difficult to think straight, and I could SWEAR it was coming from the mud. A huge, red beetle was flying in front of me, backing up and unaware of the person behind it. Thankfully, with my robe and hat on, he wouldn't be able to tell I was dead. Before he got too close to bump into me, I called out a warning.

"Hey! Watch where you're flying, big guy!" I shouted.

The beetle turned around, a startled yelp escaping his lips. When he saw me, though, he sighed. "Oh, thank god, a live one!" he said happily.

Yeah, let's NOT tell him how wrong he is, Bard chuckled.

"What's going on?" I asked. "Why are you happy to see me?" I put a hand over where my nose should be before adding, "And what's with the awful STENCH!?"

"Look alive, kid, this is Sloprano!" the beetle answered. "And the reason it stinks to high heaven is because Sloprano is nothing but shit! It covers the wall, the ceiling. Hell, you're standing in it right now!"

Ugh! REALLY!? I kicked my feet in vain, knowing Melody was going to murder me for ruining the robes. I don't know HOW she was going to murder me, but she WOULD find a way. "Yuck...I guess I shouldn't have asked..." I mumbled.

"Oi, you shouldn't stay around long. See, there's some weird monster around here! I don't know what it is, but it's already claimed friends of mine!" the beetle continued. He then rattled on about how two of his friends were fine one moment, he turned his back and the next thing he knew they were gone. "There's also supposed to be a huge sack of money here, but no way I'm sticking around! F#&$ that!" With that, he shot out of Sloprano.

Weird... I thought.

What's weird is when he said the word 'fuck,' it was censored, Bard snarked.

I shrugged and examined the, erm...city. It didn't seem like anything was here, save for some moving yellow thing. As I approached it, I saw it was a simple kernel of sweet corn. Well, a HUGE kernel, but simple otherwise. "Huh," I thought aloud, "never thought I'd see something this big."

"Bring me sweet corn!" a voice shouted. Ouch...whoever that was, he could lower the decibels a bit. Picking up the sweet corn, I couldn't help but wonder two things: one, where was I supposed to throw this? And two, why does this seem so familiar?

"Well, there's a huge spot in the middle," I muttered. "I can toss this over there and look around for a bit." I heaved the huge kernel into the middle and started to walk away. Suddenly, there was loud screaming behind me! I turned back quickly to see the kernel, now sporting HUGE FREAKING EYES, flailing back and forth before sinking into the abyss!

I gulped. Whatever was in there, it wasn't nice. And something told me it was responsible for the disappearances of that beetle's buddies. I walked around the edge before I came to a gap. It looked too far to jump, and I didn't want to climb down. One, because I didn't want to mess with whatever was hiding in all that shit, and two, because there didn't seem to be any way back up. Then I noticed a flame between the gap. Maybe I could put my shield there and jump onto it, then to the other side?

Despite Bard's protests, I jumped over the gap, placing my shield underneath my feet. The moment I was over the flame, it shot me into the sky! I landed on the other side, head first, as my shield landed beside me. The voice in my head couldn't breathe because he was laughing so damn hard at my fail. I pulled myself out of the ground, trying to spit and get the taste out of my mouth. As I did, I noticed two more huge kernels of corn, both with HUGE FREAKING EYES and actually moving around.

They must've recognized I was bad news, because when I approached, they immediately tried to run away. A quick toss of the shield had them knocked out long enough for me to pick them up and toss them into the center. Instead of flailing about like their friend, they simply sunk into the dung. I walked around the outside a bit more. There seemed to be three more kernals running around the end of the path. And I mean literally: beyond them was no path whatsoever. After approaching, knocking out, and throwing the three kernals of corn into the middle, I had decided that enough was enough and I was getting the hell outta here. This...is where things get weirder.

There was a rumble. I looked up, hoping there wasn't a collapse about to happen, because that would be a shitty way to go. (Badum-TISH!) Thankfully, the roof stayed in tact, but the path out of here had been blocked by something. There was noise coming from the middle of the room, where I threw the kernels of sweet corn. I peered over the edge, uttering a curse. Whatever was in there, I was about to have to deal with it. What rose is something you can never forget. Especially when music started playing out of nowhere.

A huge mound of crap emerged, with two hands, one holding a kernel of corn. The kernel was freaking out, commanding its captor to let it go. Instead, as it reached its full height, the monster shoved it into its gaping maw, making it seem like it was a tooth. I realized that there were five other 'teeth' like it. The monster then gazed at me, its hands over its supposed stomach. It coughed a bit, as if clearing its throat, before letting out a "Mimimimimiiiii." Then, to my utter horror, it began to SING.

IIIII AAAAAM the Great Mighty Poo
And I'm going to throw my shit. At. YOU!
A huge supply of tish
Comes from my chocolate starfish!
How about some scat,
You little twat!?

Before I could think, one of his hands grabbed his side, pulled on it until a round piece of manure was formed, and he threw it at me! He did the same with the other hand on his other side, throwing them at me. There was NO way I was going to stand there and take a few hits, so I was dodging like mad. "Thisisn'thappeningthisisn'thappening!" I kept muttering to myself. Seriously, this was a SERIOUS case of deja vu, and I did NOT like it! And, to make it worse, I was seeing things! There was a clear spot on the ground, with a huge B on it. As I dodged the flying projectiles, I finally managed to stand on the spot.

"Um, okay...B?" I said uncertainly. Suddenly, I found myself holding a roll of toilet paper. Yeah, definitely going insane. As the crap stopped flying, GMP decided to test his vocals out by letting out a few notes. I didn't do anything at first, but the second time, I threw that roll of paper down his throat. As he inhaled it, he started coughing and sputtering, leaning to the side and spitting it out. He sank into the crap before coming back out. The song that was still playing changed a bit before he belted out the second verse.

Do you really think you'll surviiive in here?
You don't seem to know which creek you're iiiiiin!
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear!
How do you think I keep this lovely griiiiin!?

He gave a toothy grin, a sparkle appearing on his teeth as he did so. Have some more caviar. He shot another slab of dung at me. I ran out of the way in time, but the pad I was on was now covered in the muck.

No more use from that thing. You'd better find another one, my unfaithful assistant chimed. Nodding to myself, I started backtracking, avoiding any poop that wanted to fly my way. I passed a translucent wall as I ran, finding another pad. As he started singing again, I stood on it and said, "B." Again, a roll of TP appeared in my hand. I threw it at the King of Krap, but he closed his mouth before it could reach. He then sank into the ground, appearing a few feet away. He sang a few notes, pelting me with a wave of noxious gas. I coughed as I tossed a second roll of paper at him. I smiled inwardly as I heard the telltale signs of success; his own coughing and retching.

As he sank back into the ground, he came back to the middle. The song was now picking up on the tempo, and a key change had appeared. I swore I could see a hint of anger. The third verse confirmed this.

Now I'm really geeetting raaaather mad!
You're like a niggly, tickly, shitty little tag nut!
When I've knocked you out with all my bab,
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
Your butt? I asked, a hint of doubt in my voice and pitch.
My butt!
Your butt.
That's right my butt!
Your butt.
My butt!
His butt. I muttered under my breath to the side.
MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!!!

As he finished the third verse, I heard a huge crack. I turned to see the translucent wall had started to break. I wanted to go and finish the job, but something told me the Great Mighty Poo still wanted to finish his audience. The pad I was on moments ago had been covered in gunk, leaving it useless now. But from where I was (while dodging crap, mind you), I could see a pad close to the entrance! I just had to...cross the uncrossable gap. Shiiiiiit... (Badum-TISH!)

Another shield ride later, and I was across the gap. This time, I managed to land on my feet, trudging over to the pad. Seriously, with all of the muck flying around, dripping from the ceiling, and the fact I was stepping all over it, I was amazed I could still MOVE! And remain conscious! After a round of throwing it at me, he teleported closer to me. But, instead of singing, he continued the assault. When all of this is done, I demand a f*#@ shower! Bard shouted. I groaned as I heard the censor again.

After more dodging and finally managing to stand on the pad, the GMP started singing again. But instead of long, drawn out notes, it was a quick test before sinking into the ground and reappearing somewhere else, another note belted out. I managed to catch him even then. As he coughed and puked one more time, he returned to the middle and let out a long, drawn out note.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

There was a loud *CRASH* as the translucent wall finally broke from his voice. I was about to walk away when he suddenly threw ANOTHER pile of shit at me! Now he was starting to piss ME off.

"WHY WON'T YOU STOP!?" I shouted in anger. I couldn't backtrack any further as the exit was still blocked off. I had no choice but to examine the remnants of the wall and hope to find something, ANYTHING, to put an end to all of this bullshit! Another shield jump, and at the fork, I slogged over to the broken wall. Above me was a chain and a porcelain handle. Nothing else was here. I sighed as I tried to jump for it. I was too weighed down, though, from being pelted by so many of the Great Mighty Poo's attacks. Tired of it all, I had no choice but to toss off everything. The hat came off, along with the robe, revealing my skeletal, base form.

I jumped again, now able to grab the handle. Somehow, I had enough weight on me to move it. There was the sound of a toilet flushing, and the monstrosity before me started turning.

Aaah! You cursed creature, look what you've done!!! Oh, I'm flushing, I'm flushing! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would've thought a sorry little punk like YOU would destroy my beautiful clagginess!? Oh, I'm going!!! Aaah! Noooo!

Soon, he could only cry in agony as he sank deeper and deeper into the gunk. I felt like there was something to say. I was chastised by my other self, however, to not say what was on my mind. The music erupted a finale before finally becoming peaceful and quiet. Pretty soon, all of the crap that covered the ceiling, ground, and walls disappeared, revealing the same grey rock from before. The exit had also been cleared. I grabbed my clothes, uncaring of what else could be here in favor of returning to the mansion and getting scrubbed. Even if I showered a thousand times, I felt I would never be clean again.

An hour later, I had arrived at the mansion. One of the unicorn maids came to greet me before she blanched at the smell I was emitting and tried to find something to plug her nose. She took my clothes and, encasing it in a barrier that the stench couldn’t escape from, took it to get them cleaned. She had another maid direct me to the bathroom where I started cleaning myself off.

Afterwards, feeling refreshed and...not quite clean, I ran into the others, who asked just WHAT had happened to me. I told them, with sincerity, the craziest day of my life. But in spite of everything, they did not believe my shitty tale.

Author's Note:

For those of you wondering, yes. This is a terrible thing for me to do. Yes, this was made in a short time. No, I do NOT regret making it. No, it does NOT have anything to do with Dark Body, Light Soul and was just made for shiggles.

If the majority doesn't like this joke, I can simply take it down and we can forget about it. But here's comedy, real chapter will be up in a moment.

Comments

[shadownidhogg]

I like the reference I mean really who doesn't like and opera singing piece of shit

[My Life of Discord]

I just beat this boss on my emulator of the game. This is my favorite part of the most inappropriate game of its time.

static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/3/33529/1104484-gfs_41917_2_66_mid.jpg

[Mother3Forever]

[Lucien Chance]

You said this would be non-canon, but... dear god.

[Vash_ts]

The Great mighty poo was awesome.
but this chapter is kinda... useless

[Garino]

2487535 Hence, it's non-canon.

[ArtaisiousX]

2495185i read this chapter. and i loved it, i just dont understand the reference. could you be so kind as to explain it?

[Garino]

2546778 Ah, Conker's Bad Fur Day. That's just about all that needs to be said.

[Rhythmic Gravity Chance]

Could have been the cave man thing, rather the shit than the giant with a tiny... well you know.
To the next chapter.

[Shardstar3]

2546863 iiiii am the great mighty poo and im going to throw my shit at YOU

[RLYoshi]

But in spite of everything, they did not believe my shitty tale.

...I see what you did there.

[StrigidaeFan]

This brought a smile to my face and a laugh.
I love that boss scene.