• Published 16th Jul 2012
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Dark Body, Light Soul (Or the Tale of the Stalfos) - Garino



Another pawn in the Chess Game of the Gods takes the stage in the land of the dead

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21: Leaning On The Fourth Wall, Much?

Chapter 21 Leaning On The Fourth Wall, Much?

We circled the arena, waiting for the other to make the first move. Now, usually, I would charge in and unleash hell. But, for some reason, I felt something was missing.

"What's wrong, Stalfos?" Shanoa asked. "Regretting picking a fight with King Highwind now?"

"Nope.avi," I responded. "But, I just feel...something is missing. Do you hear anything?"

In case you couldn't tell, I forget that you can't convey confusion on a skeleton by looks alone, so it always catches me off guard when they actually DO convey it. Don't ask why. "No...am I supposed to?" she asked.

"Not really...but it's going to annoy me for forever and a day if there's no crowd or music. Wait, that's IT! One moment, milady." Again, don't ask how this works, because even NOW, I have no idea what I was doing, or even how I did this. I pulled a jukebox out of nowhere and started playing random songs I believed that would be fitting for background music. Some select tracks:

Highway to the Dang- No. That'll be good for flying, but flying this ain't.

Hmm...may be non-lyrical, but it's a tiny bit cliche.

Indestructible, deter- No. But gotta keep that one in mind for the next karaoke session.

Another non-lyrical. Better, but still not what I'm looking for.

I lo- GOOD GOD, NO! Whoever created this jukebox, I hope they're in hell right now!!! Wait...

Hey...okay, this track doesn't have lyrics, but the beat is...catchy. VERY catchy. Yeah, this will do. Mental note: If/when I go back to Earth, find the soundtrack this song comes from and GET IT!

I turned to my opponent, the jukebox disappearing, but the music still playing in the background. "Okay, NOW I'm...wait, where'd she go?"

She wasn't there. Recap: we're on the Final Destination, which is nothing but a flat piece of land. There are no places to hide, therefore you can see an opponent no matter what. Yet, I couldn't find her. So where could she be? And why was the shadow under me growing bigoh no...

*SMACK!*

Unicorns. The MMORPG mages of Equestria. I fucking HATE the MMORPG mages. Just when you think you've figured their tactics out, they pull out ONE MORE SPELL to throw everything out the window and start from scratch. Doesn't help that I'm usually a warrior who can't get in range.

As soon as the dust settled (and I found my head), I saw her on the far edge, shimmering back into existance. Invisibility spell, how typical. She pawed the ground, ready to charge. I grabbed my heavy warhammer, which will henceforth be referred to as MC, and charged. We looked ready to meet in the middle and clash in the most epic way possible. ...three guesses as to what really happened, first two don't count.

If you guessed she teleported behind me, go get yourself a cookie. If you guessed she threw a black orb with eyes at me, go get yourself a cookie. If you guessed she teleported behind me AND threw a black orb with eyes at me, go get yourself two cookies, take a scoop of ice cream, and make yourself a sammich, because you DESERVE it.

I swear, this lady was not out to stop me as much as she was out to piss me off (which, all things considered, is succeeding, thanks to the BGM). I looked around, trying to find ANYTHING that could help me even the odds. Let's see...there's a red and white ball, a huge box that looked like a present, a flower (really?), and another black orb with eyes. Yeah, real nice options for me.

I decided to start with the black orb. On closer inspection, I found it to be a Bob-omb. You know what that is, right? I really don't have to explain what that is, right? Actually..."Yeah, this is useless against her," I muttered. I tossed it over my shoulder without a thought, only to hear an explosion (expected) and a random cry of "MY LEG!" (TOTALLY unexpected)

Disregarding the items for now, I turned back to Shanoa and slammed MC on the ground, begging for her to charge me again. She instead charged her horn AGAIN to reveal a small red thing. She threw it at me, and...well, let's just say that the pain I would've felt had I had flesh? It would SMART.

Funny enough, when the explosion sent me flying, I barreled right into the bitch. Nowhere for her to run now! I pulled out MC and went to town, trying to smash her into a million bits just as she was trying to make me another firework. It is here that I remember why I liked my Regal Sword over MC: the Regal Sword's prep, swing, and recovery should you miss were a LOT faster than MC's! It didn't help that she wouldn't just stand still and take a shot, no, that'd be TOO easy on me! After 10 minutes of awesome music but no damage on her (while she went in with a few jabs of her own, to save magic I guess), I decided to drop the hammer and just rely on my fists.

I guess this is a bit late to say, but I was never good with fisticuffs. I never trained, and my fights back home, just about all of them street fights, were never drawn out to where I could learn what worked and what didn't. But even so, I did manage to get a few respectable hits on my opponent. That said, it still wasn't enough, and she bucked me into the middle of the arena, back to the items from before.

I looked at the red and white ball. Hey, this looks familiar...
*loading*
*loading*
*loading*
*DING!*
"Holy hiphopoppotomus, a Pokeball!" I cried. I grabbed it and threw it towards Shanoa, hoping for something good! The ball opened, a bright light filled the air, and my savior was in the form of.........

...a Magikarp. A freaking Magikarp. The poor bastard was just flopping around helplessly, gasping for air. It's at this point I finally snapped. Shanoa laughing her nonexistant ass off was not helping. So I pulled out a BFG. I picked up the flower, yelled, "SCREW YOU, BUDDY!" and threw it at the fish. Can anyone guess what this particular BFG stands for? Because it doesn't stand for "Big Flipping Gun." Here's what my BFG was:

Big. Fucking. Goof-up.

You see, when that Magikarp took that hit, it started to glow white. It grew. Yeah, Pokefans know what's going on. I didn't like it. Shanoa was laughing harder. And as soon as the glowing stopped, I was facing a tall, blue, pissed-off sea serpent.

For the uneducated, that tall, blue, pissed-off sea serpent goes by the name Gyarados. Go ahead, say hi! As for me, I'm just gonna SCREAM MY HEAD OFF AND RUN AROUND THE ARENA HOPING IT DOESN'T DESTROY ME! As always, it's one thing to say it, and another thing to DO it. Barring me was high-powered water, blue fire in the form of Dragon Rage, and a yellow beam that made even MORE explosions. Yeah, today's fight had a nice, explosive theme, doesn't it?

I ran past Shanoa, who was still laughing hard, when I called out, "SPECIAL DELIVERY!" She finally calmed herself down to mutter, "Wha...?" before she was hit with Dragon Rage. It did little damage, but it still managed to knock her off her high chair, and decide to fight again. Also, it was when Shanoa took the hit that Olman convinced the other gods to pity me and take away the evil blue sea serpent. (At least, that's what I'm going to believe)

So we had another round of CQC, this time with more blows being exchanged between us, when Shanoa grabbed the Golden Hammer. Brawl fanatics know, and will tell you, just how dangerous this thing is. Whoever grabs it starts mindlessly swinging it in front of them, destroying any and all obstacles in their way. And may they have mercy on you if that obstacle happens to be you.

Of course, there's always a small, SMALL chance that the Golden Hammer is, in fact, a PikoPiko Hammer in disguise. The difference between the two? PikoPiko does nothing except make a "Pik pik pik" sound when it hits you. Doesn't hurt a bit. Which is why I was so happy when I got hit and heard that melodius noise. So happy, in fact, that I expressed it with the present box that had miraculously survived the Gyarados encounter. I picked it up (yes, it was VERY heavy), and threw it at the skeletal unicorn with a shout of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

It knocked the hammer out of her grasp and sent her flying. Not as far as I hoped, but still. When she landed, I glanced at the remains of the box. In the debris, to my delight, was my favorite weapon in this god-forsaken place.

The Beam Sword. A simple, metallic hilt with a pink beam coming out of it, manipulated to look like a dagger. But, in the right possession, able to triple its size and send suckers flying. And boy, was it in the best possession ever. With it in my grasp, I charged Shanoa once more.

Unfortunately, I forgot one minor detail. She's still a unicorn. She still has magic. Before I could connect, she teleported away, making me trip on MC and land on my face. Did I mention how annoying it was getting? While I shook off the pain, I grabbed the hammer and placed it on my back, making sure it was secure before I looked for Shanoa once more. And when I found her, I wish I hadn't.

You see, while I was distracted, Shanoa had found Bob-ombs. Many Bob-ombs. So many, in fact, that she used her telekinesis to form a wall to separate us. Her chuckle only served to remind me what Bender would tell me if he were around.

"Well, Stalfos?" she finally spoke, with a hint of arrogance. "Any last words before you become fireworks?" An idea sparked in my head.

"Only two," I replied. With the flick of my wrist, I threw my Beam Sword at the wall and yelled, "THINK FAST!" Apparently, though, it didn't register for her in time, because my sword hit a Bob-omb. It exploded, close enough for another Bob-omb to explode. And another. And yet another. Repeat until all are gone and Shanoa is flying off of the arena.

I quickly picked up my sword as I ran to that edge, where Shanoa was trying to get enough movement to grab on and pull herself up. Unfortunately, I wasn't going to let her get that far. I pulled out MC one more time and, as she came closer, I said, "STOP! ...HAMMER TIME!" and dropped it on her head. With no ground to stop her, she went into the abyss.

Wait for it...

There was a bright flash of light. "Game set," I chuckled. The music stopped, and the Final Destination started to disappear as I was transported back to the room.

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