• Published 11th Aug 2017
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Princess Cadance's Lonely Hearts Club Land - kudzuhaiku



Look at all of the lonely ponies, where do they all come from? Furious Funnel comes from Appleloosa, and he's looking for somepony to be with him when he's sixty four.

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Chapter 6

“I ain’t never danced with no mare before.” The grass tickled his sweaty frogs and Furious stood looking at his bride, feeling a curious mix of attraction and confoundment. “I mean, I done danced beside a mare a few times, but that was line dancing and I wasn’t exactly with her and I really don’t dance ‘cause I’ve never learned and what am I doing here?” Reaching up, he began to rub his neck, rubbing the hard edge of his hoof against a rippled sandblast scar.

“I’ve only ever danced with Daddy, and he was trying to make me feel better because nopony asked me to the dance. I wasn’t even allowed to go.” Blinking a few times, her long, black curly eyelashes caught upon one another and tugged against each other when she would open her eyes. “Furious, I don’t know how to dance.”

“Well, this ain’t no time to be timid, this is our chance to learn by giving it a good do.” Reaching out with a wing, he nudged Crop Duster along by her neck until they stood along the outer edges of the dancing herd. When she resisted a little, he was patient, but persistent, determined to somehow see this through.

“I feel guilty, Furious, I do… it’s bothering me.”

“Why is that?” he asked while he came around to look her in the eye. His hooves pawed the ground, which was alive with vibration. Music, dancing ponies, the thrum of the Crystal Empire itself, he felt it all in his achy joints, but it was somehow more invigourating than painful. She was pretty, a fetching creature that bewitched his eye.

“I feel like you got tricked into taking me—”

“Oh, shush.” Reaching out with his wing, he placed it over her mouth, and then felt spine-shivery tingles from the sensation of her breathing. She was trembling, scared, right at the verge of spooking, and a spooked pony was prone to bolt. Ponies spooked for all kinds of reasons, some as simple as a clap of thunder, others for far more complex reasons. Still other ponies went shy, which was almost a spook but not quite.

Having battled demon wind for so long, Furious wasn’t sure if he had a spook left in him.

“I feel bad about what I’ve done. I came here to exploit the system.” When her neck sagged and her head drooped forward, a massive flood of tight, springy curls came spilling down over her eyes, obscuring her face. “It feels wrong, like I did a bad thing through false pretenses. I try to be a good pony because there is just no excuse to be a bad pony.”

“If’n you want to feel bad, I suppose I can’t stop you,” Furious said as he positioned himself a little closer. “Myself on the other hoof, I’m gonna dance with my bride, ‘cause that’s what I set out to do.” Using his wing, he lifted Crop Duster’s head, took another step, and pressed in until he was neck to neck with her. “Yer as soft as a cactus blossom.”

“Cactus blossoms are soft?” Crop Duster asked, sniffling and looking a bit confused.

“They is, but you gotta be real careful of the spines.” As an afterthought he added, “And some cactuses, they’s mean and they’ll shoot at ya if ya get too close. They have big pretty blossoms to lure in the foolish and the unwary.” Feeling emboldened, he slipped a wing around her neck and pressed up against her a little tighter, then shifted his body to take the weight off of his bad leg.

“I feel so bad”—her words were a soft whisper now and her jaw moved against Furious’ neck—“but also so relieved. I feel like I came here to exploit the system and get what I wanted. I feel a little selfish, actually, and I’m having these doubts, I’m wondering if this is the best way to start off a marriage. But it feels so nice to just have… this. But I can’t help but feel that this is wrong somehow.”

“And do you think that yer the only one who exploited this here system?” Furious asked while he began to sway a little from side to side. “I think that most of us who came here prolly figured that there was no way that we’d ever get hitched under normal circumstances. Princess Cadance, she’s no fool, I reckon. She created this system to be exploited, to be used, and I done reckon that with each passing year, it gets a little better, a little easier, and the matches get better.”

Now, Crop Duster too, swayed from side to side with Furious. “But it feels wrong on the inside… even if I can’t say why it is wrong.”

“Good, honest, respectable ponies don’t wanna saddle others with their problems. Our parents raise us right, or try to, and pride takes up the reins when our parents let go. At some point, some of us become ornery cusses that don’t wanna take no help. We don’t bend our proud necks, because fronk that. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a prideful creature and I’m a hardheaded cuss.”

“My parents raised me to work… I grew up around earth ponies, many of them, and sometimes, it almost feels like we’re more like earth ponies than pegasus ponies. I know all about the tribal stereotypes for pegasus ponies and I’m embarrassed about them. I don’t want to be seen as lazy.” Closing her eyes, Crop Duster allowed herself to relax a little, and she kept her head pressed against the hard, corded muscles of Furious’ neck.

“I done reckon that we have a job to do.”

One of Crop Duster’s eyes opened. “We do?”

“We do. Princess Cadance is trusting us to make this work out between ourselves so her success rate continues to look good. The way I see things, the job is just starting. We’ve been paired up because we’re compatible for the task at hoof.”

“Really, that is quite wise and a wonderful way to look at it. I might have to keep that as a quote.”

The commanding voice almost made Furious jump right out of his skin. He pulled away from his bride, who started from the voice as well, and then whirled to face Princess Cadance, who had spoken to him. Somehow, he had failed to notice her approach. She was tall—taller than him though not by much—far more willowy of body than he expected, and flanked by a small cadre of protectors. There were two crystal pegasus ponies in fine, articulated armor and somepony wearing the traditional garb of a wizard.

Something about the wizard shivered Furious’ skin and he looked away, half-spooked.

“Princess, should I bow? I dunno what to do…” Furious swallowed, almost licked his lips, and then caught himself, because that might be bad manners. He didn’t know and it was better to err on the side of caution. “I met Twilight and I got an earful when I bowed. Royalty got right confusing about the same time that she got crowned.”

Much to his surprise, Princess Cadance threw back her head and laughed. It was a riot of mirth and her whole body shook while her wings bounced from her sides. She laughed with her eyes closed, a big booming laugh, and one of her pegasus guards also chuckled while the other kept an eye on the crowd.

The wizard, wearing goggles that had smoked black lenses, appeared to be peering up at Cadance from beneath the broad brim of his hat. “The disgusting primitives know nothing of protocol anymore, yet we continue to protect them. Ugh! They do nothing to appease their betters.”

After a bit of time spent guffawing, Princess Cadance somehow managed to regain control of herself. Her sides still heaving, her feathers somewhat ruffled, and with a broad grin on her face, she had this to say: “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I was moving through the crowd, saying hello, trying to meet with so many new faces, and I overheard you two talking. I stood there for a time, listening and celebrating what looks to be a promising union. You two were so focused on each other… so infatuated already. Not to brag or boast, but this looks to be a remarkable match.”

“Do I call you Empress or Princess?” Crop Duster asked while she pressed up against Furious for reassurance.

“I am Empress to the crystal ponies of the Crystal Empire and I am a Princess to the ponies of Equestria. I am also a friend to many, the wife of one, and a mother to two. I have many titles, such as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but I prefer to be called Cadance. So please, call me Cadance.”

“You forget to mention that you are the sworn enemy of one,” the wizard grumbled.

“Ah yes, the rogue, Prince Gosling.” Fresh peals of laughter made all of Princess Cadance shake and her eyes were merry. Holding her head at a regal angle, she reached out with her wings, touched both Furious and Crop Duster, and took a step closer to the pair of them. “If only we could all be afflicted with such fine enemies,” she said, sighing out the words with a mighty heave. “When I look at you two, I see a such a wonderful, promising future. I see a love based on a deep and abiding friendship. This pleases me.”

“What about romance?” Crop Duster lifted her head and looked hopeful.

“Oh, make no mistake, there will be romance, but I do believe that friendship will be your primary focus. This is the perfect sort of love to grow old together with. Both of you will be blessed with a long and prosperous union, I do believe.” Princess Cadance, with her wings still lingering on the two little ponies that she studied, clucked her tongue while looking into their eyes, the windows of their souls.

“I… I think I understand.” Crop Duster stretched out her neck, lifted her head, and looked Cadance in the eye. “A relationship based only on lust and attraction, the physical parts of a relationship, that can last for a time, but uh… um… at some point the fires go out and then what are you left with? That’s why ponies sometimes drift apart, right?”

“Yes.” All traces of mirth were gone from Cadance now, and she sounded both solemn and sad. “I see it all the time in my couples counselling. I try to give them something to reconnect with, but all too often, there is very little past shared physical interest and I am left with nothing to work with. Celebrate what you have and be at ease, my little pony. You haven’t exploited my system and you’ve done no wrong. Continue to get to know one another, be kind and respectful of one another, do not rush into anything, and know that I love both of you a great deal. It is my heart’s most fondest desire that the two of you have a long and fruitful union.”

“That’s what the survey did, right?” Furious’ one eye blinked as his slow, thoughtful mind made a few connection. “It sorts out all of the little details that we can be friends over.”

“To some extent, yes,” Princess Cadance replied while nodding her head up and down. “It does all of that and so much more. The refinement process is getting better. I need for this program to work. I need for little ponies to be confident in my abilities to fix their problems. I want to fix their problems… loneliness is a disease and I am desperately searching for a cure. It is a fatal disease and each year I lose many to the debilitating symptoms. It is my most sincere hope that ponies will chose to come to me to help them cure their loneliness, rather than give up hope and succumb to the disease.”

“Loneliness is yer demon wind, ain’t it? Yer twister? If’n I recall right, you was once a pegasus, like me.” Furious’ voice was deep, husky, and full of emotion. His remaining eye held a shimmer of excess moisture, perhaps because of dust. “I done spent most of my life fighting the demon wind, and this is just about all I understand.”

“Loneliness is a cold wind that chills many, leaving many hearts frozen.” Now Princess Cadance’s words were hard spoken and there was a fierce gleam in her eye. “If Princess Celestia is the sun, then I am the spring that ends winter and thaws the land. Yes, I have found my demon wind, and it shall be battled.”

Furious nodded. “Grass grows, pegasus ponies fly, Princess Celestia’s sun shines, and Princess, I break the wind. It must be battled.”

“I have so many that I must reassure and bring comfort to,” Princess Cadance said as she began to pull away. The corners of her mouth were twitching hard and her sides were heaving, as if she was having some great difficulty breathing. “Good luck and take comfort in one another. Be good to one another. Help me in my work.”

“We will!” Crop Duster promised and she extended one wing to wave. “Thank you, for everything!” After a moment, she turned to look at her new husband and then snorted. Then, she began giggling like a schoolfilly and had to turn away from the stallion beside her. She tried to hold it back, but it escaped as snorty little oinks while her sides hitched.

“What’s so funny?” Furious asked, failing to grasp what was going on.

“I must be going.” Princess Cadance’s face conveyed that a mighty struggle was taking place and a soft snicker escaped. “I really must be going. So many others to look after… good luck, both of you!”

Scowling the wizard shook his head. “If the wind is such a threat, it shouldn’t just be broken, but also set ablaze and an example made of it.”

Losing her composure completely, Princess Cadance bolted away, shrieking with laughter.

Author's Note:

This was actually finished sometime around 3 am, but there was some editing and such. It is being uploaded now, a few hours later.

Writing this has left me happy.