• Published 11th Aug 2017
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Princess Cadance's Lonely Hearts Club Land - kudzuhaiku



Look at all of the lonely ponies, where do they all come from? Furious Funnel comes from Appleloosa, and he's looking for somepony to be with him when he's sixty four.

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Chapter 13

“What is this place?” Furious asked while he was pulled along by his tender ear. It didn’t look like a hotel, at least not one he was familiar with. There was no lobby, but there was a hallway that had a parlour off to one side and a reading room off to the other. At the end of the long, wide hallway, there were stairs leading up and a door beside the stairs.

“This is a bed and breakfast that I paid to keep their rooms open just for occasions like this one,” Princess Cadance replied in a stern, maternal tone while she dragged two very naughty pegasus ponies down the hallway by their tender, delicate ears. “You will be very comfortable here. The rooms are large, spacious, and have their own bathrooms.”

“Ow, ow, ow!” Crop Duster almost stumbled and her ear got a good stretch. When she recovered, her folded wings flapped against her ribs and her eyes were misty. Her lower lip quivered from both pain and shame after having been dragged through town on a very, very long walk. “What do we do if we get bored?”

“Each other,” Princess Cadance deadpanned while her eyes narrowed.

“Oh… oh yeah… that makes sense.” Crop Duster was foolish enough to nod, and her ear got another stretch. “Ow, ow, ow, owie!”

The alicorn princess stopped at the stairs, but maintained a good, firm magical grip on the two ears she held. She glowered down at the two smaller pegasus ponies, and her pale violet eyes almost blazed within from emotion. “I am sorely disappointed with the two of you. Alcohol is no excuse for poor judgment and terrible behaviour. Now I am going to have to explain to angry petitioners why ponies should have the freedom to purchase alcohol even if it means that they sometimes make bad decisions. The two of you have added immeasurable complication to my life.”

Hanging her head, Crop Duster let rip and it sounded just like a sad trombone.

When Princess Cadance recoiled, Furious had this to say in his bride’s defense: “My sweetie can knock a vulture from off a three day old carcass and turn him from his meal. She’s gotta rank stank, ain’t she?”

“You almost sound... proud?” The princess’ voice sounded strained and a bit scratchy.

“Oh, I am.” Furious looked up, his mustache bristling. “She’s purty.”

“He thinks I’m pretty.” Crop Duster swayed from side to side and her eyes seemed to lose focus. “Thank you, Princess Closet, no… Princess Cupboard… Chifferobe? Um... Credenza? I’m terrible at remembering furniture names, I’m sorry. I’m really, really thankful for what you’ve done for me and I am really, really sorry that I upset you. I feel bad. So bad.”

“Come on, both of you, come upstairs with me.” Princess Cadance gestured at the stairs and then turned to go up them. “I’m going to let go of your ears now, do not tempt fate by trying to run away, or I shall be forced to grab other… things.”


The room was quite a good sized one and looked nothing at all like the rooms of the Crystal Empire. The walls were wood, not stone or crystal, and the floor was a mirror polished hardwood. In the corner of the room, the bed was an unusual eye focus, in that it was heart shaped, and Furious stared at it for a time, transfixed, wondering who could think up the need for such a bed and why. There was a bookshelf filled with books and on the bottom shelf there was a collection of boardgames.

Could there be a game of Twister among them?

“So, this is where my hymen dies,” Crop Duster, who sounded mournful said while two things happened: she farted while standing in the doorway as she had a good look around the room. The long, windy blast seemed to cause her to deflate and her smile began to sag as the pealing blast of flatulence tore free from its puckered prison portal. Just as the tail-fluffer reached its shrill, high-pitched finale, the mare’s emotions had done a full turnabout. “I’m not ready to do this yet and I’m scared but I really want my husband to like me and I’ve messed up and done something wrong on my wedding day and this room is really, really pretty and I don’t feel so good and I am so confused right now!” And with that, she burst into tears.

With a single eyeblink, Princess Cadance’s hard, flinty, authoritarian glare vanished and was replaced by something far more maternal. Wrapping a wing around Crop Duster’s neck, the pink alicorn pulled the smaller mare away from Furious and the door so they could stand beside the window together. Drawing her wing in tight, the princess gave the now blubbering bride a reassuring hug.

“Is this normal?” Furious asked, and he found himself swaying a bit. As nice as this place was, the floor wasn’t even and he had to make adjustments to keep his balance.

“For some mares, yes,” Princess Cadance replied, “especially when you fill them full of hard liquor. They tend to get emotional, go figure.” The big mare sighed while holding the smaller mare who blubbered against her. “This was her big first step out into the wide, scary world of being an adult and she made a difficult, adult decision. There is an emotional toll that comes with that and some ponies feel it far more keenly than others. Rather than be allowed to sort and shift through all of those emotions and make peace with them, she imbibed a substance that arguably made everything worse.” Eyebrow arching, she added, “But it was her right to do so and it was an adult decision that she was free to make.”

“She was having stomach cramps and I wanted her to feel better,” Furious said to Princess Cadance while he stared down at the floor. “I ain’t a smart pony… flying into twisters for a living is proof of that. I don’t have a lot of knowledge about stuff like how the mind works and all that. The only thing I wanted was for her to feel better and maybe relax a little. I did this, this is my judgment call, so that makes this my fault. This falls on my withers, so if anypony is gonna take the blame for this here fiasco, it’s me. I’ll not let my wife pay for my stupidity.”

Ears perking, Princess Cadance clucked her tongue while Crop Duster blubbered against her like a distressed foal. In a tender voice of reassurance, she said to the smaller mare, “He’s a good one and I am pretty sure that he’ll do right by you, so I am going to leave you in his care. This is a good time to establish boundaries and trust. This is a great time to lay in a foundation that the rest of your marriage can be built on. Do you think you are brave enough to face that?”

“I don’t know.” Crop Duster’s blubbering began to ease off a little, becoming sobs, and she sniffled. “I’m real scared.”

This time, when Princess Cadance spoke, her voice was husky, strained with an outpouring of emotion. “I was married under some very trying circumstances. I wanted to back out… I wanted to run away. I needed time to recover, to heal up from everything that had happened. A lot had happened. I was scared, traumatised, I was broken and so was Shining Armor. But so much depends on us… depended on us… the trust of a nation had been shattered and it fell upon us to pick up the pieces. Shining Armor and I had to put on our best brave faces, act like we weren’t hurt or scared, and then push forwards. It was a struggle.”

Crop Duster looked up and her ears were sagging, limp against her face.

“Shining and I, we had trouble being alone together in the same room. There were so many disturbing implications to be sorted out and we faced a lot of issues as a couple. Our very public marriage showed the nation… the entire world even, that everything was fine and we were happy… but behind closed doors, Shining Armor and I, we were really just scared foals. To say our marriage got off to a shaky start would be a critical understatement.” The princess paused, drew in a deep breath held it, made a gesture with her hoof, and then exhaled. She repeated this process again, then again, and then several more times.

When she spoke again, her voice had mostly recovered. “I have this advice to offer… take things slow. Don’t rush. Don’t be in a hurry. Sure, you were just married and there are all of these pressing physical and emotional needs to consummate this union, but don’t rush into it. Take time to reassure one another. Cuddle. Snuggle. Spend time talking. Share your fantasies with one another. Let the moment build. Look after one another’s emotional needs before you rush into the physical aspects of your relationship.”

“Is this what you and your husband did?” Crop Duster asked in a scratchy whisper.

In response, Princess Cadance nodded. “We sort of had to learn how to reconnect. But we did make new connections, strong ones, and now, make no mistake, Shining Armor and I are inseparable. Now, both of you, make the most of this time together. A dreadful mistake was made, but this situation can be salvaged. Now, my little ponies, I really must be going.”

With a few gentle shoves, the willowy princess pushed Crop Duster into Furious, and then disengaged, pulling away, leaving the inebriated couple to support one another. When she headed for the door, the couple watched her, all three eyes they possessed followed her every movement. Princess Cadance raised one wing and waved goodbye.

“If you need anything, just give a call out the door. Goodbye, good luck, and be good to one another.” Offering a reassuring smile, she opened the door behind her and then backed out. With a final wave, the door was shut, leaving the couple alone in the honeymoon suite.

Furious, filled with Mockingbird and curiousity, teetered towards the door, hit the latch, and pulled it open. Looking up, he saw a stern looking princess looking down at him. He gulped, a sound of tremendous volume, and then did his best to look as meek as possible. When the pink alicorn began to tap her hoof against the well polished hardwood floor, he started sweating.

“Yes?” she asked. “See, I knew that you would open the door. You don’t wish to go down into the public register as a known troublemaker, do you?”

“No,” Furious replied after spending a few seconds thinking about it. His mother was a busy pony and she didn’t have time to read.

“Good.” And with that, Cadance slammed the door shut, causing Furious’ cauliflower ears to jerk around from the sudden bang.

With Crop Duster now tittering and sniffling from crying behind him, Furious just couldn’t leave well enough alone. He waited, because of course he did, and he counted in silence like a foal playing hide and go seek until he reached the number thirty seven. It seemed like a good number, and his impatience left him with a pressing need to know.

With a look of worried caution, he pulled the door open again and found the cotton candy colossus glaring down at him with her lip curled back into an impressive snarl. She was about to say something, but he beat her to the punch. “My curiousity done gets the better of me sometimes, I reckon.”

“Oh, I am sure that it does,” Princess Cadance agreed, and her head bobbed with what had to be a sarcastic nod. “Princess Celestia was right… the best that Equestria has to offer are the worst when they get into trouble.”

“I’m sorry.” Furious hung his head and couldn’t met the eye of the princess. “I had to know.” Behind him, Crop Duster was chortling and crying at the same time. “I’ll be good now, I promise, you have my word as a dustpuncher. I’ll give ya my word that I’ll be good to the little wife, too, though I may take liberties with her wings again. I think I liked that.”

Scandalous.” Princess Cadance breathed out the word and while her face remained stern, her eyes twinkled with lewd mischief. “Just scandalous.”

“Well, this is goodbye, I reckon.”

“Yes,” Princess Cadance responded with a nod, “goodbye.”

And with that, the door was slammed shut once more, leaving the newlywed couple all alone in a luxurious honeymoon suite. Furious, who knew better than to open the door once more, turned to face Crop Duster and then was plowed into by the drunken, emotional mare. She was laughing, crying, and shaking when she whispered a few panicked words into his ear.

“I feel kinda sick!”

Author's Note:

This chapter is kind of all over the place.