• Member Since 9th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen Apr 22nd, 2023

gamecubeguy214


I'm Gamecube, and I'm a person who mostly writes cute second person fanfics. Most of these fanfics are going to be about Rainbow Dash, but I may choose other characters sometimes for variety.

E

Scootaloo wakes up to find that she's in the middle of a long fall into a deep, dark pit. After accepting what she thought was her unfortunate fate, the bottom of the pit is actually quite pleasant. Except, it was just a dream. When she wakes up, she finds that she is in her adopted sister's embrace.

Cover art is drawn by a good friend of mine.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 9 )

Very cute and adorable story!

Nice, but the "horror" tag is a bit out of place ^^;;

8402834
How exactly? That was because of Scootaloo's dream.

8402883
Because first is quite a small part fundamentally, secondarily even that part is not really "horror", and lastly any possible kind of impact is completely removed by the description ^^ So It fundamentally it is not an horror story.
The tag is used to classify the story as an Horror Story :
" A literary or film genre concerned with arousing feelings of horror. "-> "An intense feeling of fear, shock, or disgust ".
That means that the feeling of fear or shock " should be felt by the reader.
This story doesn't manage that in the least ^^ It evokes a lot of other feelings but DEFINITELY no fear or shock.
Yes Scootaloo IS feeling fear, but that does not mean that the story is an horror.

As tags go I would say that this is QUITE more Slice of Life than Horror.

8402941
K, thanks. I'll change it to slice of life.

Okay, let me start off by saying that I will not be rating this story. I see potential in the idea you have here, but you didn't execute it well.

I won't try to be mean here, because I hate rude critics, but I'm gonna have to tell you how it is.

When the story begins, we watch as Scootaloo is having a nightmare, right? Okay, that part is fine. Good premise to start: gets the reader engaged and calls back to previous episodes. What was not good about this part was Scootaloo's inner thoughts.

"All hope is lost, I guess."

Um, excuse me? Scoots, you alright?
Seriously, this isn't the Scootaloo we know. Scootaloo has the same - if not more - determination of Rainbow Dash. She wouldn't just give up in a situation like this; she would keep fighting and trying to find a way out! Her entire character when in the dream world is off, and she also seems overly shy in the real world.

Come to think of it, the tone in the dream is overall dull in itself. You don't go into detail about anything, and that's true for most of the story. Writing is something you need to treat as a part of "Show and Tell." Show and tell me what's going on. Explain the scene. Not every single detail, but enough to give me a clear picture, alright?

Also, I'd like to point out the need for an editor here. Several times in this story, you separate independent clauses with commas. You can't do that. You have to break them up with either semicolons ( ; ) or periods.

Again, I will admit that the premise is good, but the execution is in desperate need of re-working.

This story had good points, but in my opinion, there was one thing that grated horribly: you have seriously abused the word "cute". You used it far too many times in too short a period, and you used it like you were trying to argue the reader into believing it. In general, the latter half of the story feels overwrought with attempts to make the scene cute, and it backfires into a mixture of saccharine and artificiality. If I may speak for readers in general, readers don't respond well if they feel like they the story is artificially attempting to induce specific feelings. Of course, most stories DO attempt to induce feelings, but good ones don't FEEL like that's what they're trying to do; instead, it has to feel like the scenario is a natural evolution of the things that led up to it, and the feelings and descriptions are natural consequences of the scenario.

The part you did well is an example of this: the section where Scootaloo is monologuing to a non-present Rainbow Dash brought tears to my eyes. It's believable that in an impending death situation, somebody would go over the regrets they have; it's believable that Scootaloo would have always wanted to impress Rainbow Dash, and feel shame that she never managed it, and worry that Rainbow Dash is disappointed in her; it's believable that Scootaloo would be bitterly disappointed at not having become like her idol. Each of these things evokes a sympathetic feeling of sadness, not because you tell us that they are sad, but because they ARE sad, and in this fictional world, they are a logical outcome. So, good job on that.

Minor note: I have a habit of writing in present tense, too, but I think the story would have sounded more natural in past tense - I believe past tense is far and away the most common tense to write in.

9279888
Thank you for the feedback! If I ever plan on writing something again, I'll make sure to keep that in mind.

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