Deities

by Chinchillax

The Empathetic Deity

Author's Note:

Warning: This short story has a character dealing with intense suicidal thoughts. It's okay to skip it.

The throne room was cold and empty, the walls echoing Celestia’s shallow breathing. She didn’t belong here, there, or anywhere in between. What she really deserved was death.

She had been like this for several weeks. Silent, unmoving, never eating nor sleeping, her immortality keeping her tethered. She felt each and every moment as it passed. Time was as constant as it always was. Every minute—every second—felt like eternity. Each infinity compounded on her. The weight of the duration of her future life felt completely suffocating.

Each hour that passed felt like an impossible dream had been fulfilled. Somehow the eternity of that hour ended. It took all time just to make that hour finish, but it eventually did. However, each hour compounded on itself. Multiple eternities made up a day. The eternities kept compounding and compounding and crushing her of the sheer weight of the duration of the eternities she would be required to endure.

One thousand years. Each year made up of hundreds of days, each one of those made up of dozens of hours, and each of those made up of infinities of moments that took a perceptively infinite amount of time to pass.

She had always heard other ponies say such things like: “Where did this year go?” when nearing the end of another year. Never had she understood them. For time moves at the same rate for everypony. They felt every moment and every second she had. How could they experience time in such a way? How did they grow old and wonder where the time went? It was always there—that infernal infinity. And it would always be, uncomfortably, “now.”

Only the thoughts of the void filled her with any measure of hope.

She deserved death. She wanted death. What happened to her sister was her fault. Everything was her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Her faUlt. HEr fAUlt. HER FAULT!

For the first time in weeks, Celestia flared her horn. She didn’t know if it would work, but she could at least try to die. She closed her eyes and her entire body shimmered as she cast the spell.

In a single moment, all the magic within her dissipated.

“I’m so sorry,” said a slow deliberate voice.

Celestia opened her eyes, and then immediately tried to shield them from the blinding darkness with a foreleg. It was almost the opposite of light, instead of the light blinding her, it felt like darkness was overwhelming her, making it hard to see.

An ancient, dark dragon floated next to her. He forlornly flapped his wings and spoke once again, “I’m so sorry.”

Celestia hadn’t said anything in weeks, and her voice couldn’t come to her. She wanted to say something, but nothing came to mind.

“I bring hope to the hopeless that there is an end to everything,” the dragon spoke, it felt like each word was punctuated by an eternity of thoughts and feelings. “But for you, Celestia… hope will need to be delayed for some time, I’m so sorry.”

Celestia started weeping. She didn’t know why, but she was grateful for the feeling. It had been so long since she felt anything at all.

“Starlight,” said the ancient dragon looking up. “There is no comfort I can give to her, but she will need help if she is to fulfill her role.”

From absolutely everywhere, lilac lines streamed into the throne room, swirling around like a tornado made of flower petals. The lights reached into crescendo and a light purple alicorn stepped out from the vortex.

Her hair was a nebula of stars, flowing out and somehow dissipating into the room around them. She turned to face the dragon.

“Spike, what do you need?”

“I cannot grant her death right now, but she demands it so very badly. I cannot cut short her life, but perhaps you can do something to not make it feel so long.”

The alicorn’s eyes stared into Celestia’s. It felt like she was being pierced by her, each and every moment of her long life judged and evaluated by this creature.

“Time moves slowly for her. Each moment feels like eternity. It’s too much for her to handle,” said the Alicorn, crouching down to be next to herself. “I’m so sorry you’ve experienced time in this way for so long, Celestia.”

Celestia continued to cry.

“Death won’t come for you today, but I can make it feel like it will,” smiled the alicorn as her horn began to shimmer. “I will alter your perception of time, Celestia. Yes, every moment will still be lived, but it will go by swiftly for you. It will feel like 1000 years will have passed in the blink of an eye. I have given this gift to many others, but now I see that you require it as well, forgive me for withholding it from you.”

Celestia blinked.

---

Celestia could barely remember the Deities that had visited her. Their names forgotten, their forms hazy, but she knew they had visited, because after that day, everything had changed. Time passed by quickly for her.

Yes, it was still “experienced,” but she really did feel like time passed swiftly.

Where had the last day gone?

Where had the last month gone?

Where had the last decade gone?

Where had the last 1000 years gone?

Celestia had never thought that such questions could ever be asked by her. But now she felt time pass differently. And she knew that the hope of death would come for her soon. A warm smile caressed its way across her muzzle.

She blinked.

Comments

[Pretentious Narwhal]

...huh

[NIchtraucher]

8614445
I agree with this statement.

[Chinchillax]

8616312 8614445

I guess this particular short story only resonated for myself, and perhaps it does deserve some explanation of where it came from. Though why it got written is rather personal... and dark.

I have a really hard time choosing to be alive everyday. My perception of time is also incredibly off. I feel every single second and moment pass incredibly slowly, which is why it feels like I've been alive for so frickin' forever and it never ends :(

Well anyway... this story is an exploration of a culturally safe method of suicide. Just make time from their perspective go faster and faster until a natural death. Can't accuse someone of committing suicide if they lived out their full life. I feel like most of the population already feels time pass this way automatically (or else how are there so many people out there that suddenly say: "Where did the time go?") I do not understand those people, but man I would love time to go by as fast as possible.

[Charly52]

8616505
I think the secret is to forget that you are alive an live the moment. I don't know I havent go through that traumatic experience. My only guess is do things; do what ever you want, but most importantly ask yourself what you want. Don't matter how silly is what you want.

[mishun]

8616505

... or else how are there so many people out there that suddenly say: "Where did the time go?"

People saying something like this seems to be a "memory issue" (i.e. some weird quirk of how human brains store, retrieve and rewrite memories), not "time perception issue". I have a feeling that you're describing something very different here.

this story is an exploration of a culturally safe method of suicide.

A bit more like clever way of preventing everyone from knowing and maybe finding way to help for real.

I'm very not sure if it's ok for you to discuss something personal like that with some random guy on the internet (If not --- I'm sorry! ) and I'll definitely annoy you and be Captain Obvious, but I still feel obliged to ask: have you sought help from a mental health professional about this?

[Chinchillax]

8690810

Time perception vs. Memory perception? Fascinating!

I really thought of them as the same before you brought it up. But there really might be some differences there I didn’t notice. Thank you!

A bit more like clever way of preventing everyone from knowing and maybe finding way to help for real.

I dunno, one of the things that have slowed my suicidal thoughts considerably is to stop fighting them. I just accept they're there and I'll never get rid of them. And that's helped reduce them a lot. Still, that's a very interesting perspective. In this story Celestia really isn't getting any help. Huh...

Thanks so much for commenting. I often get lost in my own head and it's nice to see someone else's perspective on my thought spirals. No matter how rational I think I am, an outside perspective really makes a lot of difference. Because you asked, yes I do regularly meet with a therapist and I recently went on some medication that's helped a lot. Though I really wonder on the effectiveness of any of this as I don't view myself as having a brain imbalance, but rather a philosophical imbalance that skews towards life is not worth living.

Thanks for caring, man

[mishun]

8691101
I've though a bit and I see another possible different context where people may say "Where did the time go?": if what they actually mean is "Hey, I've spent some time doing X and I like doing X very much. But now I have to do something else less satisfying for some reason. Ugh!"

... is to stop fighting them. I just accept they're there and I'll never get rid of them. And that's helped reduce them a lot.

That's surprisingly similar to one of the central ideas of ACT.
I may also add from experience a funny example of using such thoughts in kinda "positive" way when contemplating horrible things that are to happen in the future: "Since self-destruction is an always available option, future's evaluation is actually strictly bounded from below and as so it's not too scary. Yay! And I may as well delay option 0 (always available!) and try doing something else right now --- it could still be fun".

Psychology researchers claim pretty high success rate for modern methods. I hope they're right.