Deities

by Chinchillax

The Forgiving Deity

A small candle was still alight on the bedstand next to her, a pinprick of light in the crystal darkness.

It felt wrong.

Everything felt wrong.

Starlight laid in her bed in Twilight’s castle. The castle of her enemy. No—her... friend? She had to be friends with her. It wasn't really a choice at this point, was it? She couldn’t hurt her or anything. Anything that happened to Twilight could destroy life in Equestria as she knew it.

Destroy all life.

She had almost destroyed absolutely everything.

She didn’t deserve to be forgiven. According to Twilight, her time-traveling had enslaved ponies, hurt them, tortured them—killed them. How could Twilight forgive her so much? How could this be the case at all?

Starlight stayed in bed that night, her mind racing and racing along without any way to stop it.

She woke up the next morning with a terrible fever.

Starlight refused to let Twilight help her. She deserved this fever. She deserved to experience all the pains of everypony hurt by her actions, but a fever would be a decent start.

Twilight tried to barge in a few times and Starlight didn’t blame her. After all, she had been an enemy the day before. But somehow Twilight trusted her and so Starlight was able to hide in her room and feel pain for another day.

The next night, the candle slowly burned, but not as much as Starlight. She couldn’t move. The pain of her actions on her mind far outweighed the physical sickness, but the added pain of her body made her feel like she was being punished properly. No—it wasn’t good enough. She deserved far, far worse.

She lit her horn—

All at once the flame on the candle next to her brightened. Starlight's eyes went wide and the light from her horn vanished.

It rose out of the flame and then coalesced into a tall, strange creature before her. Although it floated in the air, it looked like it stood on two legs and appeared to be made of fire itself. It’s muzzle was somehow squished into its face. It— no her hair slowly flowed downwards while the flames still danced along inside of it. Her wings blazed with ruby flames. It reminded her of a phoenix, except this creature was most definitely not a phoenix.

“Starlight Glimmer,” said the strange creature.

Starlight only stared at her.

"When will you forgive yourself?"

The fever distorted Starlight's voice, as if her vocal chords were made of sandpaper. "I... never."

"Never is a very long time Starlight," said the creature made of inferno.

"I've caused so... much pain," said Starlight. "I deserve the same."

"I suppose that makes sense from your perspective, Starlight, but not from all perspectives."

Starlight didn't know what to say to that.

The crystal darkness around Starlight was suddenly bathed in flames. The inferno disappearing as fast as it had appeared, placing her in some strange cosmos alone with the Deity. Tiny multicolored lights danced and weaved their way around her, flowing in and out of tiny microscopic worlds back and forth from the deity. Some small dark shadow of a dragon seemed to be flitting back and forth between those tiny worlds, sending the lights on their way.

"I provide rest for the souls in this multiverse, Starlight," said the Deity.

"Oh... I guess that means..." said Starlight, a sad but relieving thought squirming it's way into her.

"Don't worry, it is not your time to feel such rest. I merely wish for you to see this."

The deity held up a dozen small worlds in the palm of right hand. They looked like brown and gray Equestria's. A rainbow of orange, blue, and black criss-crossed their way around the worlds until each of them disintegrated. Billions of multicolored lights erupted from the shattered worlds, flowing into the Deity's other palm.

"Those universes you accidentally created have now ended, Starlight. Their pain is over and their souls can now rest." The lights flitted away to the Deity's wings. Each of the feathers had tiny little worlds on them, billions of little heavens that the lights could choose to go to.

"I... I really did do that, didn't I?" asked Starlight.

"Yes," said the Deity.

"Can't I do anything to make up for what I've done? I can be sick for a long time. I can—"

"Much pain was caused by you Starlight, more than your current form could ever imagine," said the Deity. She breathed in a deep breath and then breathed out a deep purple orb of darkness. It loomed in front of both of them, oppressively painful to look at.

The Deity held out a palm to Starlight, and absorbed the pain. All at once Starlight felt her fever disappear. She felt so incredibly light, as if a huge burden had been lifted.

In the depths of the Deity's palms, a tiny dark purple orb amalgamated from Starlight's pain.

Starlight looked to her small own pain and compared to the huge sphere of anguish from the finished alternate Equestrias. It barely compared. Her own pain was nothing compared to the combined anguish of billions of souls.

"This," said the Deity. "Isn't something you can overtake, Starlight Glimmer. You cannot atone for your own sins. Attempting to..." Starlight's pain sphere grew bigger "... just increases the amount of pain in the multiverse. It's such a waste. You cannot ever catch up to the pain you have caused others, Starlight."

"What—what am I supposed to do then!? How can I make this up?"

"You make it up by not adding any more pain to the multiverse than is necessary. You make it up by changing your very soul."

"Change my soul?"

"Yes, I had to do so myself." The Deity smiled sadly. "But it was so very worth it. Everything I am today comes from the decision to change for the better, to acknowledge mistakes... and to deeply understand..." the Deity held up the deep purple pain of all those universes in front of her, all at once they caught fire and then disappeared into the aether, "...that my past is not today."

Starlight gulped. "How... am I supposed to do that."

"Time," she said.

The Deity reached out her hands to Starlight, and Starlight let herself be wrapped in her warm embrace.

"Forgiveness always takes time."

The Deity's flaming arms and wings felt warm and comfortable around her.

She held out Starlight's small pain in her palm, which burned away in a small spark.

"There... now sleep well, Starlight. You have the rest of your vast existence ahead of you. Forgive yourself—love yourself—accept yourself, for you will be you for a very long time to come."

---

Starlight's fever was gone the next morning. She had had a strange fever dream, but couldn't for the life of her remember what it had been about. All she knew is that she felt... done. As if it was now the next part of her life and she just had to greet it.

She knew it was illogical to not feel more remorseful. But at the same time, perhaps it was more logical to let the past be the past.

She took off her covers and trotted downstairs where she knew Twilight and Spike would be there to greet her.

Comments

[Leonzilla]

I didn't realized it was Sunset Shimmer until she said "my past is not today".

[The_Foreman]

8613581
Considering sunset's symbol seems to be the phoenix I realized pretty early on.