• Published 6th Aug 2017
  • 7,939 Views, 609 Comments

If You Want Peace, Prepare For War - tranhdxrbntd

Equestria is at war and she needs help. Before his death, Discord enlists the help of several creatures that are all too familiar with the concept.

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There Never Was a Good War or a Bad Peace

Ponyville, a small town that played a much bigger role to the war effort than what most would realize. Along with Dodge City, Ponyville was a major meeting hub of supplies and troops before it was shipped off to the frontlines. This made her a recognized target for pretty much everything. Sabotage, theft, gun running, smuggling, things that were normally frowned upon was now commonplace. If Discord was still alive, he would have been proud.

So naturally, all four humans were temporarily relocated there... Because of course!

In reality, it kept the humans away from the frontlines and it was a short train ride away. It also kept them close to the capitol (Canterlot) if they ever needed to go there.

With them, came their protectors. Both Rainbow Dash and Applejack still had to recover from their most recent bout of injuries; If they hadn't been forced to, they easily would have worked themselves to the death. With them, came their supervisor. Prince Blueblood, esteemed prince of Equestria, performed a very important task! He did paperwork and arranged the logistics of keeping the four humans in Equestria. Yes, it's an important job. Yes, I'm being serious.

Blueblood's first challenge upon reaching Ponyville was finding residence for all seven of them. It took him a while but he had eventually commandeered a small single story house in the south eastern sector of Ponyville. It wasn't too big, having four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a kitchen, and a basement but it would suffice for the time being.

Blueblood looked at the humans' protectors. "Do keep watch of them, I have to go authorize funds for our little task at hand."

Rainbow Dash harrumphed in disapproval. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know what we're doing," she said.

Blueblood eyed the bandaged gash on Rainbow Dash's forehead from when a it's-not-a-handgun-it's-a-cannon struck her in the face. "Do you really now?" Rainbow Dash frowned in anger upon realizing what Blueblood was staring at. Blueblood didn't attempt to prevent himself from smiling, causing her to march away in anger.

He looked to Applejack. Applejack shrugged. "They'll never leave our sight," Applejack said while looking over at all of the current number of humans in the house... At that exact moment, that number was two.

Wilson and Logan both stared at earth pony. "What?" Wilson asked.


Eric and Tran walked down one of Ponyville's streets. Both of them were still wearing their body armor and gear but didn't have their rifles (they had left them with the other two). Eric looked at Tran. "What do you want to do?" Eric asked.

Tran shrugged. "Let's go get some booze."

Eric nodded in approval. Then, he realized something important. "Wait, we don't have any money." Tran stopped walking and started digging through his pockets. After a few seconds, he pulled out a decently sized coin bag and tossed it to Eric. Eric opened it up, revealing hundreds of golden coins. "Where did you get this?"

"I stole it from that weird prince."

Eric closed up the bag and tossed it back. "Well, let's go find some booze."


In a diner, a black suit wearing mare was enjoying a strawberry sundae by her lonesome. The mare, without looking paranoid, kept a watchful eye on every possible entrance and all patrons. She was a veteran of the trade, after all.

When two mares(one of which was clad in a very conspicuous grey trench coat) entered the diner, she had to mentally groan. Of course she would wear something like that. Both new patrons found the lone mare and joined the lone mare. "Agent S," greeted the mare wearing the trench coat.

Agent S deeply inhaled. "Do you really have to wear that?" she asked, looking at the trench coat.

The mare in question looked down at her trench coat, causing her sunglasses to slide down her nose.

"Well where else would I hide my gun?" asked the mare in question, loudly enough for everypony in the diner to hear if there had been anypony else other than the three.

The grey mare beside her groaned at her partner's lack of professionalism. "Can we please, get back to our tasking?"

Agent S reached into her mane and pulled out an envelope. "Your assignment is to pull some hooves-on recon on a possible smuggling operation." She slid the envelope over to the two mares, of which the white mare snatched up as quickly as she could manage. Inside the envelope was a picture of what looked like a small pub. "We believe that two-thirds of the contraband that comes from Canterlot goes through there at some point. We're hoping to find where it all stems from so we can snuff it out."

The grey mare snatched the photo from her compatriot's hoof and set it back down on the table. "And it needs to be done as covertly as possible?" she asked.

The head mare nodded. "Right. If anything fudges up the place, their gazpachos might catch onto our attempts to corner them."

The white mare crossed her arms and slunk down into her seat. "Well that's boring."

Both other mares rolled their eyes. "In the off chance that your cover is blown, you will be provided with a few means of fighting back."

The trench coat class professional grew a smile as she realized what this meant. "Is it a machine gun!?"

Her partner face-hooved. "Are you ever going to act with any semblance of tact?"

Without a second thought, she responded with, "Nope!"

Agent S removed a briefcase from under the table. Placing it on the table, she opened it up to reveal a pair of disassembled shotguns and some shells. "The ammunition provided is under-pressured buckshot and low velocity handgun ammo. They're specially loaded to ensure lowered penetration. Since we are in a populated civilian location, we do not need a bullet or pellet punching through multiple walls and causing unnecessary collateral damage."

Both of the shotguns in the case were the same model and were pump action take-down shotguns. This meant that they could be easily broken down into two halves for transport or concealment.

"Even if your cover is blown, make sure intel is gathered. Even if they find out that we're onto them, we can still use whatever we find in identifying where everything is coming from."

"Is that everything?" asked the tactless mare.

"Don't die."


Inside a small pub in Ponyville, a bartender polished a glass mug while patrons enjoyed a nice cold beer and or played poker. As he moved onto his next glass, a mare entered the pub. She was wearing an eye-catching grey trench coat and everypony immediately recognized her. Her uniquely highlighted blue mane and accessories (a pair of headphones and purple-tinted sunglasses) made it easy to tell that she was Vinyl Scratch (also known as DJ P0n3), an up and coming DJ.

A very large unicorn bouncer standing at the entrance to the bar immediately stopped the two. "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to scan you for weapons."

Vinyl Scratch looked at the bouncer and shrugged, "Go right ahead, I'm not hiding anything." The bouncer's horn lit up and Vinyl was enveloped in a green glow for a few seconds. After the glow disappeared, the bouncer waved her off.

The bartender looked at the famous DJ. "Now is this the famous DJ P0n3 that I'm speaking to?"

Vinyl smiled and basked in the recognition. "You bet your ass it is! Now I don't know if you know where a gal like me can get something to drink?"

The bartender grabbed a glass and filled it up with a nice foamy beer. "First one's on the house."

Vinyl gladly took the beer and drank from it, taking her time. Whilst drinking, she took a good look at the bartender. He wore a nice immaculate white shirt, a black bowtie, and a black vest. The vest, she took notice to as it had a small lump on the left side of it. Possibly a gun? Off to the left of the bartop, there was a hallway to another room where she could clearly see other ponies milling about. After having downed half the beer, she set the glass back on the table. "Now that's good stuff right there," she said while leaning in towards the bartender. In a whisper, she said, "I don't suppose you know where I can get something that would make performing a little more bearable?"

The bartender crossed his arms. "That depends on what you're willing to pay."

Vinyl reached into her coat and pulled out a bag. "Because being a famous DJ definitely doesn't pay well, obviously." She tossed it to bartender who opened it up, revealing many bits.

The bartender pocketed the bits before removing a small tan tin from behind the counter and placing it in front of vinyl. "Fresh off the front lines."

Using her magic, Vinyl opened up the tin to reveal five hypodermic syringes. Each one was made of glass, filled with a clear liquid, and had a protective cap. "Morphine?"

The bartender nodded. "I'd suggest not taking two within a four hour period if you haven't had any before."

Vinyl picked up the tin of morphine and stuffed it into her trench coat. "Thanks for the fix." She began to leave the bar but stopped after taking one step. "Oh, before I leave do you know where I can get more? I'm gonna be in Canterlot for a gig in a few weeks and I'd appreciate it if you gave me a referral."

"Sure." The bartender reached into his vest and pulled out a business card, throwing it to her.

Vinyl caught the business card in her magic, stuffing it into her trench coat. "Thanks." She turned around and started to leave again but then realized that the bouncer was missing. 'Huh', she thought.

Almost immediately afterwards, the door to the bar was kicked open. The bouncer re-entered the bar with a grey mare in his arms and a cello case held in his magic. "Found a mare scoping out the place." He dropped the cello case and it burst open, revealing a pair of disassembled shotguns and a copious number of shotgun shells. "And lookie what she has."

The bartender reached into his vest and pulled out a revolver. "The Equestrian Secret Service must be getting brave." He took aim at the grey mare.

Before he could fire, five syringes full of morphine had been emptied into his heart. As he collapsed, Vinyl caught his falling gun with her magic and put three rounds into the bouncer (two in the chest and one in the head). Vinyl quickly walked over to where the cello case had fallen to the ground. "You just had to blow it even though," she started, picking up the pieces to one shotgun. "I got proof and found out where in Canterlot I could get more!" She expertly assembled the shotgun and had it loaded before her partner could pick hers up.

Octavia scowled back in response. "What's done is done. Let's just deal with them and go." She attempted to put her shotgun together but just couldn't seem to catch onto the concept. Octavia noticed a trio of ponies coming in from a hallway. "Well, shit."

Vinyl also noticed the three ponies and fired her shotgun at them. While she missed, the ponies took the cue to stop where they were and take cover behind some solid looking metal doors. Vinyl also did the same and ducked behind the bartop, but not before grabbing a couple hoof full of shotgun shells from the ground. "Come on, Octy. We don't have all day!"

Octy(Octavia) frowned at her usage at the nickname but took cover beside her partner, disassembled shotgun in tow. "I'm trying!" The ponies in the hallway fired back at the DJ, missing and hitting the bar top. Vinyl responded by firing her shotgun back at them. Octy (Octavia!) responded by continuing to put together her own shotgun(failing miserably at that mind you).

The ponies in the hallway were joined by three more ponies, significantly increasing the chances against the two Equestrian Secret Service(ESS) agents. Vinyl fire twice more at the ponies in the hallway to keep them pinned down. Ducking back down, she looked at her partner who was still trying to assemble her shotgun. "You have got to be kidding me," Vinyl deadpanned. More bullets hit the bartop, to which she responded back with a blind shot from behind cover.

Octavia fumbled with the shotgun pieces again. "It's harder than it looks!" Vinyl grabbed both halves of the shotgun in Octy's(its Octavia!) hooves while handing her the shotgun that she was using. In a split second, she had the shotgun together and loaded. Ducking back up, she had fired the shotgun and managed to hit a pony that had taken the brief pause to advance. Ducking back down, Vinyl smirked at Octy(I'll give you that one). "Shut up." Octy(but not this one) ducked up to fire the shotgun.


Vinyl grabbed her and pulled her down in time to save her from a bullet. "Weren't you counting? I fired five." She stuck just her shotgun out from cover and blindly fired, hitting absolutely nopony.

Octy(stop calling me Octy, it's Octavia for Celestia's sake!) reached for some shells to reload her shotgun when she realized that she hadn't grabbed any from where they had fallen.

Vinyl smiled and reached into her trench coat, pulling out a number of shotgun shells for the grey mare. "Don't you dare diss the trench coat ever again!" Octy(well fuck you!) begrudgingly took the shells and proceeded to reload her shotgun.

Then, the doors to the bar were opened and everything went silent as two... Things came walking in. One was shorter than the other and was wearing clothing(?) that was colored with splotches of various shades of green and brown while the other was wearing clothing(?) that was colored with splotches of grey. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the tall grey one.

Vinyl looked at the two. "We're Equestrian Secret Service investigating a smuggling ring?"

He stared blankly back at the mare. "Okay."

One of the five ponies in the hallway had decided that now was a good time to take a pot shot at the two things. The bullet that he fired from his handgun missed wide and hit the door frame to the left of the two. The tall grey one looked at the pony who fired at him with an irritated look. "Go ahead and fire a second shot." Before the pony could fire a second shot, it had unholstered a behemoth of a revolver.


In an instant, everypony involved in the gunfight had been rendered temporarily deaf. The bullet was aimed a bit too far to the side and had struck the metal door that the pony was hiding behind. Naturally, the bullet had no trouble going clean through the door and then the pony behind it. One of the dead pony's compatriots noticed the offense and raised his gun to fire. Big mistake.

One blast later and he too was dead. Also, if everypony wasn't deaf yet, they most definitely were now. The three remainders now decided that this was a good time to run. Unfortunately for all three of them, one of them decided that it was a good idea to desperately blind fire backwards while running away. The resulting gunshot was timed at the exact moment that all three of them were in a line and the resulting bullet had no trouble going through all three of them.

The shorter green one looked at his compatriot. "That was a bit much, don't you think?" He didn't respond. He was currently occupied with reloading the three shots that he had fired.

Vinyl tapped her headphones, being thankful that they saved her hearing. "Wow, that was loud." She turned to Octy(I'm going to kill you). "Come on, let's clear the building."

Her partner stared at the trench coat-clad mare, seeing that her lips were moving but hearing nothing. "WHAT?!" she yelled.

Vinyl looked back at the two. "You heard me, right?" Both of them nodded. Vinyl thought about the potential consequences of enlisting the help of a pair of random creatures that had just simply appeared. She immediately decided that you only live once in life so screw it. Octavia had some thoughts on the matter but decided against voicing them, help was help after all.

The four of them quickly cleared the entirety of the bar and found that all other rooms were empty, save for one. One room had a large metal trapdoor that was very clearly locked. Octy(One of these days, Vinyl) looked at the trapdoor. "Now what?" she asked.

Vinyl happily raised her shotgun and fired. The pellets fired from the shotgun did absolutely nothing to the trapdoor's lock and miraculously, no one was injured from the bullet splash that resulted from said bad idea. Vinyl frowned and pumped her shotgun, chambering a fresh round. Before she could fire, the tall one placed his hand on the barrel. Vinyl lowered her shotgun as he raised the same hand cannon that he used before. Immediately, Octy(why are we even friends?) covered her ears.

One gunshot later, and the door was open.

Inside, there were hundreds of wooden crates of what could be presumed was contraband. Also, there was a lone pony in there with a revolver. All four of them took aim at him. He took one look at the four before dropping the gun and raising his arms into the air.

Vinyl looked at her partner. "Well, this has been an interesting mission." She looked over to her two little helpers. "Big thanks to-," she started but stopped when she saw that both of them were drinking from bottles of hard liquor.

"What?" they both asked.

Author's Note:

If you ever take a .500 S&W to an indoor range, you will earn the ire of everyone else in the range.

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