The castle of the two sisters was a peaceful and quiet place. That’s why Star Swirl the Bearded decided to make his home there. It would serve as the perfect place to study magic. at least that was supposed to be the idea.
Late one night a group of thieves broke into the castle's royal archive. Star Swirl was forced to battle with the thieves. A fire broke out in the archive, distracting Star Swirl long enough to allow the thieves to get away.
Perplexed by what had happened Star Swirl, was about to make his report to Princess Celestia and Luna, when he noticed that something was missing. The thieves had made off with the crystal of harmony. It was now Star Swirl's mission to track the thieves down.
Chapters (2)
Is this a legend? ........
8344074
I guess that you could call it a legend. I didn't really base it off of anything, though.
"Quite" should be "quiet."
The comma between the words "magic" and "or" should be a period.
Two things wrong here. One: there's a massive amount of empty space before the start of the sentence. Two: you already mentioned the castle's silence. Replace with something like "undisturbed."
This paragraph is amazingly redundant. It says the same thing over and over. That means it has an idea and talks about it again and again. This should be combined into one or two sentences.
"Perplexed by what had happened, Star Swirl..." There needs to be a comma in between "happened" and "Star Swirl." Next, "Princess," is spelled wrong.
Lastly, you need more. Say something like, "Star Swirl decides to go after the crystal," at the end of the description.
8362343
Thanks for the advice about the description of the story. I appreciate it. What do you think about the story itself though? I'm just curious if you think it would be worth continuing it.
A way to tell if something is wrong is that it sounds off when you read it out loud. If you did, you would realize something very important about this paragraph: it's boring to read. You can tell, can't you? You have the exact same sentence structure the whole time. Each sentence is short and choppy. Now short and choppy sentences are good (in moderation!) for action scenes, but this is not an action scene. Slow down. Shorter sentences make readers rush, longer ones make them linger. And right now, I'm confused as to why I'm rushing.
"Sir, the Princess has invited you for tea. Please feel free to come at your earliest convenience." Compare these two pieces of dialogue. Notice anything? That's right: they both sound the same when you say them out loud. A guard who has just burst through the door to deliver a crucial piece of information is not going to act like he's delivering an invitation for tea. Throw in a pant. Make it short and choppy like the sentences in your first paragraph. "Star Swirl," the guard panted. He slumped down to the floor, sides heaving in exhaustion. "Thieves in the archive." See? That looks much more realistic. And you'll notice I abandoned the "sir" in favor of the guard using Star Swirl's name. It's an emergency; the guard is tired and panicked. He's not going to use the most formal language.
The first two sentences say the same thing. Get rid of one of them. Next, your description is lacking in the extreme. I know, I know; you were probably thinking of how boring the description in every book you've read was and wanted to leave it out so no one else would have to suffer reading through it. But description is necessary. You can be terse, but you need something. Make Star Swirl stumble and take stock of the situation, gathering key details. Take a quick three sentence paragraph to show the scene. Now the final problem in this paragraph is that you're telling. He was shocked. Alright. What does that look like? You could instead describe his eyes widening, and his head drawing back.
These problems are repeated throughout the rest of the chapter so I'm not going to copy paste everything. To summarize: vary your sentence structure, when you include dialogue make sure you are aware of the speaker's actions (is he tired? Relaxed? Irritated?) and describe them, show emotions through actions instead of telling them, and make sure you have description.
This is not to say you shouldn't keep writing. You have problems with your writing. So do I. We are both novices. Don't be afraid to submit garbage, because writing garbage can only make your future stories better. Just try to be aware of these problems. Good luck. :)
Yes, definitely continue writing. I'll include more about that below.
Be careful here. This is not a logical explanation. This is pure speculation and doesn't make sense.
Now story time. I like the premise. Star Swirl going back in time to become the sister's advisers? Sure, why not. You can have a lot of fun with that. The Princess's actions seem a bit unbelievable though, and I don't think that guard should have let Star Swirl see them without some sort of proof of identity. He could be a kidnapper for all they know. Anyway, good show. Your grammar and spelling are on point, which is better than 90% of the stories on this site.
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Thanks for your advice. I will take everything under consideration.