Üā Sūt Cktüis (How to be Dragon)

by Rammy

Chapter 4: Tu Esi Tas, Üo Tu Ēt (You Are What You Eat)

Crush fine quartz between claws and message gently into meat, heat slowly with own flame until charred. ~ Finely Crafted Gem Cuisine for the Fastidious Minded Drake

---

Spike yawned as he made his way to the castle kitchen. If he had it his way he would still be in bed. Yesterday had been horrific in so many ways but it was a school day and if Twilight's night was as bad as his was she was going to need coffee, lots of it, a hearty breakfast, and as much sleep as possible. As funny as it was, he didn't think she want to fall asleep while lecturing... again.

Spike stopped and groaned when he walked into the kitchen to find somepony rummaging through the pantry. At first he thought it was Princess Luna but armor wasn't the same as the one she had worn yesterday. Also wearing armor straight out of Ogres & Oubliettes was a bit much even for her, right? Wait wasn't Luna's tail dark blue with stars in it?

He found himself groaning again when he realized who it was. Even though he had switched out his cloak for a set of armor it could only be Šizra. Between his overdesigned armor and sword he wouldn't look out of place at a comic convention. At least it did give him a better view of what Šizra actually looked like, sort of. What he could see of his body, like his head, was mix of dragon and pony characteristics. His front legs were dragon while the back were pony. A pair of dark blue leathery wings hugged his sides, blending into his fur and scales. Unfortunately his flank was covered up so he could not see if he had a cutie mark or not.

"What are you doing here?" Spike growled, trying not to pinch his brow. It was too early for whatever this was. And it was always something: Trixie teacups, magic experiments going astray, random Pinkie Pie cyclones, and unwanted guests in the form of villains, 'reformed,' or otherwise. And guess who always had to clean up the mess? Spike! At least with Pinkie she always left something tasty behind.

"Examining the larder young one..." Šizra explained without slowing down, much to Spike irritation.

Great... Another moocher to deal with! Spike inwardly moaned.

"Impossible!" Spike head snapped over only to gasp in horror as Šizra pulled out a jar of Zap Apple Jam out of one of the cabinets with a look of wonder of his face. "Is this truly...?"

"Hey!" Spike yelled, trying and failing to snatch away the jar. He was saving that for a special occasion! It would be some time before the zap apples would be in season again and it was the one thing, the one pony thing, he had 'neglected' to give Sludge and the one thing that he didn't ruin. It was going to take months to replace his comic collection, maybe longer.

"Bah! Stale." Šizra cringed as he put jar down.

"What!?" Spike exclaimed as he grabbed the jar. He really hoped it wasn't stale, it shouldn't be stale. After a few sniffs nothing seemed wrong with it so he dipped a claw to taste it, but again nothing. To him it smelt and tasted just like a freshly opened jar of zap apple jam.

"I don't know what you are saying," Spike grumbled as he screwed the lid back on and waddled over to put it in the fridge. "It's perfectly fresh."

"'Fresh, right.'" Šizra snorted before taking a seat at the breakfast table. "A moment, young one..."

Spike rolled his eyes as Šizra closed his eye and began to mumble. At least he wasn't making a mess anymore. Now he just needed to make breakfast and clean up before Twilight awoke. He was not looking forward in being blamed again for someone else's mess, again.

Luckily it didn't take him very long to clean up the kitchen and was about to crack some eggs to make his world famous omelets when he started hearing a weird buzzing sound. At first he didn't see anything at first just Šizra continuing to mumble like he had been for the past fifteen or so minutes though he looked a lot worse for wear. But what he saw gave him pause Šizra's eyes were scrunched up like he was in pain and his fur sheened with sweat. If he kept it up he was bound to collapse worse then Twilight after a week research frenzy.

Rolling his eyes he reached down and pulled out a purple first aid kit that he stashed next to the stove. He figured Šizra would be frothing in a few minutes and he wanted to be ready. In the mean time he could get back to making some food.

zzzt

Spike exhaled as he turned off the stove. That buzz was much louder then the ones before and he knew he had better track down whatever it was before something else went wrong. He hoped it wasn't a twittermite swarm inside the castle.

zzzt

Please tell me that is not what I think that is... He shuddered in fear as he saw black magic sparks appearing on the table in front of Šizra. After a second the sparks faded away only for more to appear with a buzz.

Spike gulped as he found himself paradoxically frozen in fear and leaning forward curiously. What was Šizra doing and why the long buildup? He was throwing spells around with little build up yesterday. Did his fight yesterday took more out then he let on? Mana exhaustion could cause magic to be more difficult for a couple of days.

zzzt ZZZT

Spike yelped and jumped back as he realized that the spell was building up to a crescendo. The sparks were starting to concentrating in one area without dispersing and the buzzing was now constant. He ducked under one of the stools, but the explosion he was expecting never happened. With trepidation he peeked over the lip of the table to see that Šizra's head was resting on the table, panting hard, a jar of what looked to be zap apple jam in front of him. The jar was exactly where the sparks had been moments before.

"There... that... is... fresh..." Šizra huffed.

"Wow." Spike snarked, waving his hands in fake awe. "All that for a bootleg jar of zap apple jam?!"

"Bootleg?"

"You know not the real deal, fake, unauthorized, black-market, stolen." Spike listed off with his claws.

"Give it a taste young one." Šizra slid the jar along with a spoon towards Spike.

Spike eyed the jar for a moment, unsure. "Fine." He slowly opened the jar and took a hesitate sniff. The jam did smell stronger then what he was used to. Here goes nothing... He thought as he lifted a spoonful to his lips.

"SOOOOOOO GOOOOOD...." Spike drooled as a series of rich and bold flavors exploded on this tongue. This was divine and he had to have more. Šizra said he to give it a taste... who said how big of a taste that had to be? If hisss tassste wasss the whole jar then it would all be hissss.

"Young one, snap out of your alüatīsa!" Šizra growled as he flicked a claw painfully on the very tip of Spike's snout.

Spike started to panic even as his mind cleared up. He felt just like he did on his birthday! He never wanted to feel that way again and somehow he fell into it again over a simple spoonful of "fresh" zap apple jam. He was so furious, confused, disgusted, and scared that he was tore between his want to tear into Šizra apart, hiding away, or something worse. The only thing he could do was utter the strange word that Šizra spoke, "Alolayteza?"

"Alüatīsa, in modern vernacular it translates to greed."

Then say greed instead of how ever that word is pronounced. Spike rubbed his face, trying to not scream in frustration. Šizra's exclamation had that air of hint-hint wink-wink you should know this already. It reminded him of some of Discord's poorer attempts at 'teaching.' And like with Discord he just knew he would probably end up tearing out his spines trying to get straight answers.

"Why are you here?"

"To teach you young one..."

"Spike," Spike grumbled, rubbing his forehead, "my name is Spike."

"'Young one' is an appropriate honorific that an elder uses to address a whelp such as yourself."

"Oh..." Spike murmured as he rubbed the back of his head, "That's cool, I guess..."

"...Wait teach!? Oh no." Now Spike was truly panicking. This was twice now that a dragon decided to teach him how to be dragon. While Sludge was a lazy jerk that took advantage of his naivete at least he never tried to kill him and his friends. And then there was his greed. Something he never wanted to feel again and took great pains to avoid and yet Šizra managed to cause him to slip so bucking easily. "No no no no no no no no! I don't want to be whatever you think dragon is."

Spike froze when Šizra grabbed his face and forced him to stare into his eyes. And as much as he wanted and tried he just couldn't pull away. Worse felt he couldn't blink or look away as Šizra red eyes bored into him. It felt like he was trapped in more ways then one.

"I see." Spike breathed out in relief when Šizra suddenly blinked and pulled away. "I will notify Cktüis Zuserthators Ember to not waste anymore time on you."

"Hey!" Spike shouted, rushing to catch up to Šizra who had already walked out of the kitchen. "Wait!"

"You waste Cktüis Zuserthators Ember's time in asking for assistance in helping you become something you hate."

"What?!" Spike exclaimed, waving his arms frantically. "What are you talking about!?"

"You hate being a dragon."

Stunned, Spike arms flopped down and his mouth hung open as he could not believe what Šizra had said. He didn't hate being dragon... scared that his dragon nature would... "I don't..."

Whatever objection Spike had died as Šizra shoved his muzzle right up against his face growling out, "Do not try and fool me. I. Saw. You."

"Now, unless you know where Sweet Apple Acres is you will speak to me no further."

"Sweet Apple Acres?"

"The label on your jar of zap apple jam said 'Proudly made at Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville.'"

Spike murmured a few choice words as he tore a scroll in half scribbling a note for Twilight on one half and tacking it to the kitchen door before writing on the second half 'Help! Sweet Apple Acres' which he held tightly in his claws. If yesterday was any indication he knew that this was not going to turn out good at all. He knew how stubbornly prideful AppleJack could get and at least if he went with Šizra if, or more likely when, Šizra angered AJ he could send for help or a mortician, preferably the first.

---

Spike was a bit surprised. He had expected that a very large stallion in armor trotting through town, even in a town like Ponyville, would have caused some sort of reaction or at the very least Pinkie popping up because of the 'new pony' in town (not that he was new). But not a single slamming shutter or turn of the head, nothing. It was almost as if Šizra was invisible.

Now they were weaving through the apple trees of Sweet Apple acres. He had tried to lead Šizra to the AJ's house but as soon as they got to the Acres Šizra had wondered off the path. So far he had seen no sign of Applejack or Big Mac. He wasn't sure yet if that was a good thing or not.

"They planted a grove of them!?" Šizra exclaimed, suddenly galloping.

Spike was taken aback; it almost sounded as if Šizra was panicking just a bit. After what he did yesterday why would he be scared of a few zap apple trees?!

"Yeah a grove of zap apple trees..." Spike panted out once he caught up, "that's where zap apples come from. Where else do you expect them to get zap apples from?"

"I see no poison joke and I can't smell even a trace of timberwolf."

"What?" Spike blinked as he watched Šizra pace from tree to tree. He was vaguely aware that zap apples had some strange rules for harvesting but what did poison joke and timberwolves have to do with that? And why is he licking the bark? This quickly becoming Pinkie level of nonsense, and he was sure that the explanation about what he was doing would also be Pinkie Pie nonsense.

Maybe I should have not gotten out of bed...

"Do you know how long these trees have been here?"

"I don't know, sixty, seventy years..." Spike scratching his chin, trying to remember the exact details. He was sure it was few years before the founding of Ponyville but that was about it. Maybe if Granny Smith's stories didn't ramble on worse then Twilight's lectures... "You'll have to ask one of the Apples..."

"What are yah doin' here?" Spike nearly jumped. He had been so absorbed in Šizra's bizarre behavior that he didn't notice Applejack's approach.

"How long..." Šizra paused as he sniffed some soil that he has been rubbing between his claws, "how long has this grove been here?"

"An' why do yah need to know?"

"Do you not know what you have here?" Šizra questioned clearly ignoring AJ's own question.

"Zap Apples."

"Please tell me are aware of how difficult and dangerous it is to cultivate and harvest them?" Šizra gestured to the grove around them.

"Yah darn tootin' Ah know."

"No, I don't think you truly know." As Šizra continued he began to pace, his words coming out faster and faster. "When I first saw your zap apple jam I was surprised that someone had not only managed to find one of the groves of... 'zap apples' in the Everfree but had figured out the often silly and random steps needed to make it into jam..."

Spike gripped the bit of scroll in his hand a bit tighter as Šizra stopped staring up at the top of the trees. Somehow Šizra's panic was more scary then when he was being scary.

"Then I tasted it..."

AJ narrowed her eyes even more. Spike cringed, he knew what was coming. One thing you learned real fast was never dis anything apple related, especially anything from Sweet Apple Acres, in front of her. He readied his flame...

"It was stale."

"Yah low down dirty little varmint!" AJ growled, stepping forward in her anger and pride, clearly having forgotten what Šizra was capable of, what he nearly did yesterday?! "Yah take that..."

Spike took a step away as Šizra causally took out the jar of zap apple jam that nearly caused a greed growing relapse. He wanted nothing to do with that evil concoction. Before AJ could get another word out Šizra scooped out some and shoved it into her opened mouth.

"It can't be..." AJ muttered in shock, her lip quivering. "Who made this Zap Apple Jam Ah demand to know! Was is it Flim Flam!? Ah swear..."

"It doesn't matter!" Šizra exclaimed. "When this grove of 'zap' apples dies there will be a magic backlash that will kill the land in a radius from here to at least the crystal tree castle. You must find someone highly skill in telekinesis and fast. If possible you need them to lift the entire grove along with the dirt around it then take it all deep into the Everfree, preferably to the same grove where you first found them."

Spike facepalmed. Even he knew the zap apple trees don't like magic being used on them and here was Šizra telling AJ to remove them with magic? Forget Pinkie Pie nonsense this was classic Discord trolling. And when Spike he saw AJ's expression morph from shock and disbelief to anger he knew he had better send the scroll.

AJ snarled, her eyes narrowing. "Ah think Ah get what yah tryin' to do...

"I don't think you do."

"Yah trin' to pull the wool over mah eye's like that bloke Sludge. Or did those thievin' brothers ask you to..."

"Call me a thief again, I dare you." Šizra hissed, his sword appearing in a shower of black sparks. "Because I will make you wish I had ended your life yesterday."

"Šizra!"

Spike sighed in relief as his head snapped over to see Twilight galloping towards them. Good timing Twilight. Wait... He hadn't sent help scroll yet so how did she get here before he was able to send the scroll?

Twilight eyed Šizra's sword for a moment before pulling her gaze towards Spike and AJ in turn. "Spike, AJ is everything alright?"

"Ah will be when this low down dirty rotten varmint gets off of mah farm!"

"As you wish." Šizra shrugged, turning away as he did. He glanced down at Twilight as he passed her. "Twilight, guardian of Spike, do not bother Cktüis Zuserthators Ember anymore. You will get no further help on the matter you requested."

"An' don' come back yah hear me!" AJ yelled as Šizra disappeared behind a bend in the path.

Twilight just sighed and facehoofed as Spike rolled his eyes.

Author's Note:

Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. My original plan was to have Šizra get after Granny Smith but then I thought that was laying on waaay too much. I want him to be unlikable and not a monster... at least at the beginning. And for those thinking Šizra's a bit OP I plan on knocking that perception as much hard and often as I need to until its gone. MWHAAHHA! Oops, I went a bit evil there.

Comments

[Venerable Ro]

Age and knowledge is it's own power. What a journeyman needs minutes of casting to achieve, a master can accomplish with a raised eyebrow and a singe word. It's all about perspective.

[Rammy]

9267716 OOoo that perfectly encapsulates how I handle my head cannon for Twilight's ability to teleport spam (otherwise its way too OP... the show is terrible at balancing magic though nowhere near as bad with time and distance... MMMystery on the Friendship Express and Bottled up are the two biggest offenders for time/distance that immediately come to mind)

[tx-300]

There is no Problem in character OP, I like what is Šizra and demonstrates that it is not teaching for the spike but also for the main six. And there may be Enemies Stronger than they've ever faced. Since he is one of the creators of the elements of harmony.

technique Spike should learn:

0:50 sec.

[Rammy]

9269814 It does when OP becomes Gary Stu... Sadly for you there will be no kamehamehas (and other amine inspired attacks) for Spike.

[tx-300]

9269955