so far it looks alright, I mean the last displaced stories I had seen the last times , where suggesting that those Displaced stories aren't as good as they were anymore.
However this didn't had the typical signs till now.
As he saw the wolves slowly edge closer to the scared unicorn, he made his move - sprinting with shield at the ready, knocking the first wolf sideways as it pounced towards the filly they were going to eat with his shield at the ready.
You said his shield was ready twice. This isn't needed, not in this case. I would recommend getting rid of at least one of the instances in this sentence, as doing so keeps readers from raising a brow at the strange and unnecessary repetition.
(As a side note, I apologize if this all sounds rude, I have trouble with forming explanations that don't sound rude. )
“Evil goes where innocents stay, Innocents go where saviors follow,” its a saying Link always went by, ever since he was forced to come to Equestria against his will.
Either the comma should be changed to a period, or the 'I' should be lowercase. Also, "its" should be, "it's".
For ten years he had struggled to survive in this world, slaying beasts that were out to hunt him down. Then there were the times he was forced to be a hero when lives were in danger, since he could not ignore the plea for help from others. Otherwise if he didn’t do anything, it would weight on his mind with guilt, knowing that he could have done something since he had the power to do so.
The "Otherwise" isn't exactly needed, and getting rid of it will help with the overall flow of the writing. "Weight" should be "weigh", and, "with guilt" isn't needed either, and will also help with the flow of your writing.
At the end of it all, he would use the Stone Mask to vanish from their sight, becoming nothing more than an old ponies tale for others to talk about. There were also many occasions, when the solar diarch tried to seek him out… But she would find herself unable to get past the Everfree Forests’ strong magic, ending up always lost... and being returned back at the edge of the forest to her confusion.
The comma after "There were also many occasions" is unneeded, ellipses (the ...'s) are also unneeded. "at" should be "to".
And there is much, much more. All in all, you need an editor. I would be willing to be said editor, if I weren't already so busy. As it is, until my Sundays are freed up, I cannot be your editor, sadly. Still, your work is good in terms of content. The grammar is lacking, along with the spelling, but it is still a good story.
Awesome!
Please get a real avatar please!!!!!
8337473
Is this Better?
8337482
YES!!!!!! but I was hoping for a hot anthro mare . Its weird masturbating at my own.
8337534
Pfft, don't get your hopes up, I'm no good when it comes to clop fics.
So far it has promise. Let's see if it lives up to it.
8337539
Need some motivation sweetie? I am sure I can give some Hard info....
8337559
Uh.. no thanks...
8337560
(In ed's voice) moar please
SEES NEW STORY
troll.me/images/bert/im-so-hard-right-now-thumb.jpg
Okay... Uh Who's the pony? That description doesn't match anyone I know.
8338593
You'll see in the next chapter.
No crossovers? Hell yeah, I'll read it. I despise crossovers, they're annoying.
8338916
Oh, there is only one cross-over canon to the original story, but after that there won't be anymore except for minor short cross-overs.
8337559
Snrk!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!
Also, your rewriting this? Its lookin alot better tho!
so far it looks alright, I mean the last displaced stories I had seen the last times , where suggesting that those Displaced stories aren't as good as they were anymore.
However this didn't had the typical signs till now.
8367293
Is that good or bad?
You said his shield was ready twice. This isn't needed, not in this case. I would recommend getting rid of at least one of the instances in this sentence, as doing so keeps readers from raising a brow at the strange and unnecessary repetition.
(As a side note, I apologize if this all sounds rude, I have trouble with forming explanations that don't sound rude. )
Either the comma should be changed to a period, or the 'I' should be lowercase. Also, "its" should be, "it's".
The "Otherwise" isn't exactly needed, and getting rid of it will help with the overall flow of the writing. "Weight" should be "weigh", and, "with guilt" isn't needed either, and will also help with the flow of your writing.
The comma after "There were also many occasions" is unneeded, ellipses (the ...'s) are also unneeded. "at" should be "to".
And there is much, much more. All in all, you need an editor. I would be willing to be said editor, if I weren't already so busy. As it is, until my Sundays are freed up, I cannot be your editor, sadly. Still, your work is good in terms of content. The grammar is lacking, along with the spelling, but it is still a good story.
8590489
I already have an editor named FTR who is helping me with this, however I did make the corrections.