Hunter, a 10 year old child arrives in Equestria, through a mistake in an experiment of his father's.
Orphaned, he finds himself under the scrutiny of Equstria's greatest magicians and one of its kindest pegasi.
He cant return home, so a way must be found for him to live in Equestria.
Will become more mature as the character develops, Please offer any thoughts, negative of positive, first story, so any help would be great
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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if this is a one shot its not that bad
but it would be better if you started telling it in a diffrent pov... btw...
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do you think first person would be better?909512
909526
yes first person because personally i liked it but it went a little to fast...
but i like it and i give it athesecularity.com/download/file.php?id=7457
This story is really touching.
I can't wait for more.
well this sparks my intrest right away
you get a citizen cane clap for your piece of work * thats high praise from me*
assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/citizen_cane.gif
Thanks so much, 909661
I was trying to remember what movie that was
909668 its in the name of the link lookie at the link
feel free to use that anytime buddy
909668 This.Is.BEAUTIFUL. this kid isnt some genius child prodigy or some wired super human like most of the children in equestria fics but an honest to goodness normal child.
and this is a good base chapter to build forward on.
a little fast but all in all
a great story
The premise of this story is interesting, but I had to give it a thumbs down. The pacing is way too fast for it be a decent story. This one chapter could be broken into several chapters if it was written differently. There were many grammar issues throughout, as well. It was mostly capitalization, but some of your sentences had way too many commas in them. Another problem is the lack of description surrounding Hunter. We don't know what he looks like at all, or what he was wearing when he came here besides the type of clothing.
Though my biggest criticism is the overall style. Have you heard of showing, not telling? You're just telling us what happens, and not even in a very entertaining way. Instead of saying 'this character did this and this and this' why don't you explain their actions and describe what is going on as they do them? The characters have no character to them. I feel like I'm reading someone's synopsis of a different story.
I hate to be 'that guy' who rains on your parade, but this story isn't good. I think the reason that it has so many likes is because everyone is just paying attention to the 'aww' factor of the whole thing, and not the story itself.
I do quite like this story. The premise is wonderful, and the characters' actions are believable. However I do feel that it could use some fleshing out. You could easily take a few paragraphs and turn them into a full chapter for the most part by adding more details. It felt like it went too fast.
There are a few grammatical errors that I noticed. Also, there is a distinct need for proper punctuation.
Spike through the ball back and Hunter caught it
threw
he hugged Luna tightly, and thanked her for being her friend thatday, as he put it
his ... that day
The only thing that really bothered me however was the affluence of run-on sentences. There are way too many commas here. Some of which are used incorrectly.
"Come on just read the damn story it cant be that bad"
"Shut up inner voice you said that about allot of crap stories"
"Just read the damn story Gnome"
"FINE
20 minuets later
"See i told you it would be good"
"Shut up inner voice"
910069 but he is correct slow down show us whats happening and get a editor
O SHIT YOU DAD WORKED AT APERTURE SCIENCE
Love the story thus far, but he seems a bit smarter than your run of the mill ten year old
Shame... Hunter and Spike's innocence taken by a threesome
You need more description this has great potential to be a top story but you need alot more description. what i keep reading is he did this than this than this than this. and i agree with Cowbow50 he seem highly intelegent for a ten year old
Shit just hit the fan ....... i think?
by nuzzle were you implying they were in a relation? sorry i can dense sometimes.
lol if they are and hope hunter takes it well
919983
Course their in a relationship, you rub your face against anyone that your not with lately?
920190 you know mabey im just weird but i havent ever had the feeling to rub my face up against anyone lol
on another note i cant wait to read about hunters reaction
Well if you get a pro-reader... this will become gold
Yeah 920993
How do I do that, is there like a group of people offering it or something?
Seriously anybody got advice on how to find a proof reader?
Thumbs up for extreme cuteness.
This story has gotten soooooo awkward.
yes, yes it has
926065
Yay Discord!
Nice job so far!
So Hunter becomes a God-Child?
yeah,
but I'm going to try and keep it about his immortality, you know, the idea always interested me, what would somebody do, when faced with the idea they would never die.
953175
953195
Go insane?
953203
Pretty much, but Celestia didn't, Luna's better now, and Discord was fun insane
I do like this story, very much, but...
Do make new lines when different characters speak. For example:
“you wouldn’t happen to know why Hunter attacked my daughter would you, it’s just, she says she did nothing to provoke him, but I don’t think I believe her”. Twilight replied “it seems your daughter was, supposedly, laughing at Hunter and his friends for being orphans”, she replied, slightly angrily, Filthy’s smile ran from his face, replaced by one of anger, he looked at Twilight, and yelled “she did what”, and then turned and raced upstairs.
Should be:
"You wouldn't happen to know why Hunter attacked my daughter, would you? It's just, she says she did nothing to provoke him, but I don't think I believe her."
"It seems your daughter was, supposedly, laughing at Hunter and his friends for being orphans." she replied, slightly angrily. Filthy's smile ran from his face, replaced by one of anger.
"She did what!?" he yelled, then turned and raced upstairs.
It makes the story easier to follow when the dialogue isn't all together. Also, make sure you proofread for grammar and punctuation mistakes. Otherwise, you're doing good!
953225
Poor kid... outliving all those he loves and not ever having children of his own
thanks 953260
I appreciate the advice, I'll try to do it from now on.
Right see that's what I'm trying to do, provide insight into the life of a person who lives countless millennia, a life we cannot empathize with.
953280
Although don't be so sure about the kids thing, if a pony and a dragon can, who knows
Now a new idea in a HiE fanfic now i'm extremely interested
The grammar is way off, mostly just paragraph usage, like how you start a new line for dialogue, etc.
God, but i really don't like reading stories with that bad of grammar. Pm me if you get it rewritten correctly or an editor does it.
ten year olds don't act like that they understand when theres something tragic like losing his father
He's already lost his mother>>1039663
He should stop aging at 28. Also you should write a sequel where he is sometime in the future maybe with him married to scootaloo and they are an old married couple, she is getting closed to dieing but he is immortal so can't die which he then decides to go off on an adventure to look for something to either make her immortal as well so they can live happily forever or turn her into an alicorn with the same end result in a way. =P boom sequel LIKE A BOSS!!
1282628 OH! and you should probably include his chaotic powers somehow and maybe discord idk i've never been a very good writer *shrugs*
1282641
Uh
Hey buddy, um, this story has been dead for a while....
Thanks for the favourite though, one of these days I'll come back to this.
1282696 lol i just stumbled on it and it sounded pretty good and i was hoping for a sequel. a shame that it's been dead maybe it'll come back at some point? (hint hint) Also jw but what did you think of my idea? i'm trying to get into writing more so i want to know how good any ideas i have are, even if there not for a story of mine.
PREPARE YOURSELF!
A TEN-YEAR-OLD FINDS A WAY TO EQUESTRIA!!!
Btw, must be some bad parenting for Hunter to get separated from his father.
917531 Should he have been wearing orange clothing?
I don't know, nor do I care...
To prove my point.
I DON'T CAREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Oh, that's sad.
Y U LEAV SCOOTALOO BEEHIEND!?!?!
926332
I'm going further,
Down the road,
Of awkwardness...
Nice Hunter, you messed up without the rain though.
1319890
What in the hell
I.... Wha?
Seriously, what is going on....
A ten year old wouldn't be acting like that. He acts like a young child . . . like six, seven, or eight. Have u ever been around children of that age? Do they seriously act like that? (if u have been around children of age ten). I have been around children of that age group. I have NEVER met a ten year old that acts like that. No offence but Hunter seems younger than he is . . . Is he tramatized or something? Could that be it . . .
Thumbs up anyway!