An unexplained cosmic event reveals a completely alien world; that of ponies. For 100 years, it remains untouched... Until the Blitz, an unexpected massacre caused by horrifying metal constructs of unknown origin known as Wolmetahls that shakes the kingdom of Zir'lan from its foundation, slowly leading to its downfall. Noir Disharmony, the young princess of Zir'lan and heir to its throne, remains the sole survivor of the Blitz, and is the only pony who has the power to fight the Wolmetahls... However, this power does not come without a price, one that the princess will eventually not afford.
With fragments of memories from a mysterious past life still lingering in her mind, Noir is as unstable as the red dot in her eye. Will she survive in post-Blitz Zir'lan, when the enemies are not just the Wolmetahls, but her own people and even herself? Will she uncover the horrible truth behind her erased memory, the grand scheme of the Empire and her own origin?
Will Zir'lan hold itself together, or will it crumble and fall before Noir's eyes?
The project: AKA The OC-Fic project, Disharmony is a series featuring OC-s from all around the web as the actors. For more details, entering the project or checking out the OC-s, visit the project page on Deviantart, located here: http://fav.me/dbckj0s
UPDATE: The project has been shut down for an indefinite amount of time.
Pretty good, keep up the work!
8312410
Thanks, I surely will!
I have to be honest, I absolutely hate how you story starts. It's too much telling, too much exposition and absolutely no character. You tell us Noir's sob story in a bland step-by-step way without giving us anything to sympathise with her. She has no personality and neither does anyone else. I honestly think this would have started better if the story of the Blitz was it's own full chapter, the prologue if you will. Alternatively, you could just skip it all together and slowly reveal the story through the natural progression of the story and her interactions with the other characters.
Whatever you do, make us care about her. You can't just say "she's an ex-princess and is sad, here's her story" and expect readers to like her.
How? How does a ponybot show sadness? Does it's metallic ears droop? Does it let out a sad beeping sound? Show us.
This sums up another problem you have. You rely too much on telling rather then showing. You often just state how things are feeling and what how things are without letting the reader get engrossed in the story.
Like this, for example. Why don't you show us ponies questioning Strom's ability to command and show us his thoughts and reactions? Give him some character.
I thought the commissar was the highest ranking pony there? Then why is he being given an order?
These guard's aren't very good at their jobs. Their missing Princes just reappears and then they let her go without an escort or anything, nor was there little fanfare. Although, I guess it just means none of them actually care about their royal family, not even in the slightest? Perhaps they're all secretly republicans.
And this wasn't separated by a horizontal rule or a new chapter because...?
Show! Have Storm Cloud or QB comment on how they're disorderly volunteers. Perhaps show them trying to rain them, but failing to do so. Anything but telling us.
If her parents are dead, then yes she is an ex-princess because she is the Queen now! She doesn't have to declare her stratus as the heir to the throne because she became the current queen the moment her parents died, unless she had still-living older siblings you didn't mention. That's how monarchies under the rules of primogeniture work.
You literally just said there's still an army fighting them. She's their boss now! Come to think of it, you never mention why she's hiding in this remote town so far from the capital. If she's in hiding then it's no wonder everyone thinks she's dead.
Either he's evil, or he's really bad at remembering the faces he probably sees every single day.
Um, why? Why do people think this? I thought they all thought she was dead already.
The regent is evil, so is everyone working for him. I know this because no true regent would ever give himself the honorific "his majesty." That is reserved for the raining monarch only.
Wait, what? How does that work? You're not even going to explain what he meant?
Seriously, where did this talk of imprisoning her come form?! Neither of them have said anything she's done is illegal, unless coming back from the dead is a crime punishable by death.
I have no idea what kind of evidence the Regent has to prove this, but it must be really good if he's got top ponies believing in it.
This part also really confused me. Why did QB suddenly turn on the Princess and want her imprisoned? Why did Aendel suddenly become the the loyal and compassionate one? It's like their personalities suddenly swapped around during this conversation. Also, isn't he supposed to outrank QB? And QB is only an acting-commissar right? His promotion is in no way official.
Why? Also, everyone just let the
queenex-princess walk off alone again.I know writing suspense and fight scenes is hard, I struggle at them, but this is just plain dull and uninteresting.
I'm sorry if I sounded angry and ranty in that. It's just that what you have is a very good story that's currently buried under a lot of dirt that needs to be cleaned away and polished to let the greatness shine.
But the biggest problem is I still have no idea who the character's are, what their personalities are like and what their motivations are. They all blend into one had simply don't have anything going for them. Especially Noir. I'm sorry as she seems to be your personal OC, but frankly I have no idea why she's acting the way she is and it just feels like she's not actually bothering to do anything but sit around a mope about how sad she is. Also, she's rather clueless for a Princess.
I want to see your story be good. I want to enjoy reading it, and I did at times, I can read bad stuff if there's a grate idea behind it like you have going for you, but you just need to work on fleshing out your characters, showing rather then telling and plot progression.
I hope what I have said is helpful you and I wish you luck with your writing.
8399580
First off, I would like to say, FINALLY, someone actually gives feedback on the actual content and not on how it looks or the description blah blah.
Thanks for the feedback, though some of the things you pointed out, even though they might not be explained that well in the story, have their reason for being that way. For example, the simple statement "we both saw her in Sector 0, didn't we?" explains how Sector 0 is a place where ponies know that Noir isn't dead. It is revealed later that what everyone claimed to have seen in Sector 0 was actually another pony impersonating Noir. . This explains all those lines you pointed out that had to do with Noir in Sector 0. I know this doesn't pop out at first glance but trust me, there's a reason behind everything. Another thing: The reason why a regent is ruling now and not Noir is revealed later, but Noir does show that she's also confused about that, "why would they not look for her?" pointing to the spoiler above and the regent being a puppet controlled by the impersonator.
The reason why everypony is suspicious and hostile towards Noir is the way things looked during the Blitz. Imagine, there's an entire square full of ponies, Wolmetahls attack, Noir is the last survivor... Having the red dot shining bright after the flashes, with the power to virtually kill anything, if it wasn't for the Wolmetahls one could easily say as there were no witnesses to confirm the opposite: Noir killed all those ponies. Normally, nopony would say that, but it's what Sector 0 ( you see it now?) led everypony to believe. Why? Again, spoilers. Why do you think Coltstonians are okay around Noir and Sector 0 wants her dead?
About the evil regent thing... :)))) maybe not all of the ones working for him, I mean look at Aendel.
"Neither of them have said anything she's done is illegal" Check again, QB clearly talks about teleportation magic. He wants to use that as a motive for arresting Noir, and you saw what happened at the end of the ep.
"It's like their roles swapped around" there was a conversation between Aendel and Noir before that. Aendel had heard a lot of gossip and paranoia regarding Noir and so his view was full of prejudgements, but Noir manages to alleviate some of that. Aendel told her he was going to take her to Sector 0 but in the talk with QB realizes he can't, because "he has the authority to arrest, not dictate who gets arrested."
"Everyone lets Noir walk off alone again" It was day-time, nopony expected the Wolmetahl to "escape" the cage and go straight for Noir. Still, your point stands, but she wanted to clear her head.
Alright, I'm very bad at explaining things, as you can tell. Again, thanks for taking the time to leave feedback. I know what my problems are, I don't describe enough and don't give enough depth to characters. I know that. It's partly because my style is fast-paced, centered more around interactions between characters and plot than describing said characters, and partly because initially the fic started out in a closed circle, the project, where everyone knew what the OC's looked like already.
Any other questions you have, ask.
8399715
He actually said that after the point I quoted, and from how you worded it it sounded like he suddenly came to that conclusion after trying to get her arrested.
That's not what I was trying to say. Character interactions and plot are great things. What I mean is that we don't really get into any of the character's heads. We don't know anything about any of their personalities. It doesn't matter what the OCs look like. Think about Fallout: Equestria. The protagonist's appearance is never described over then her cutie mark and the fact she's a unicorn. Yet she's one of the most popular OCs out there because she's so well written. She has just as much personality as any of the main 6 in the show and we got to know it within the first chapter.
I'm not saying you have to aim that high, all I mean is that you should use any techniques you can to give the characters personality and make them interesting.
Also, you never replied to any of my comments about how this country's government works. Because she really should be the legal queen, even if she's still wanted for murder.
8399797
She should be, yes... But other ponies have other plans for her ;)