Concerning Matters of the Heart
“Okay, that should be the last of them. Can I close the portal?” Twilight asked.
DJ looked at her aunt. “Sure. I’ll have to go over tomorrow to drop off the keys with the Base Housing Office, but I can probably get Cadance to clear that for me through the Equestriani embassy, right?”
“DJ, you’re an Equestriani subject and part of the Royal Family. You can go anytime you’d like – the family doesn’t need clearance,” Twilight explained.
“Yes, but I’m also an American citizen, which means that when I cross over, I’ll be in a third-party embassy with my SOFA status no longer counting in Japan. Fortunately, I have a few more days to accomplish that, so I’m not too worried, but getting a driver from the Embassy is going to be hard, especially since they can’t go on base without authorization.”
“Hadn’t thought about that. Must be the problems of being a dual citizen,” Twilight admitted. “So what now?”
“Well, I can either get back to work before my editor takes a plane here to hunt me down, or I can take my favorite aunt out to lunch as thanks and use her as a shield in case said editor hunts me down?”
“Gee, thanks,” Twilight drawled.
DJ hugged her. “C’mon, you know what I mean.”
Twilight returned the hug. “What, can’t take your own sarcasm, niece of mine?”
“Why, Twilight Sparkle! I’m shocked, I say, shocked!” DJ snarked.
A huge white minotaur bull came through the portal, carrying a sofa. “Where do you want this?” the bull said in a scratchy, teenage voice.
“Um…over there,” DJ commented. “That’s really going to break my brain.”
The bull set the sofa down before changing back into Shining Dawn. “Sorry, figured it was easier to deal with it that way than hope I don’t drop it mid-portal and break it.”
“Well, I appreciate that, Dawn,” the humanized pony said, ruffling her younger cousin’s mane. “So, any suggestion where we should go?”
There was a knock at the front door, just seconds before it burst open, revealing Rarity. “Hello, all! I have arrived!”
DJ immediately started looking at the boxes. “Now, which one had the alcohol in it? May as well start now….”
Rarity went over and hugged her sister royal, then her niece before stopping short at DJ: “And a pleasure to see you, dear Twilight, and my, you grow so beautiful, Dawn! Keep it up. Oh, and hello, you.”
DJ just looked at her, then back at the box. “Where did I put the Jose Cuervo?”
“Hi, Aunt Rarity!” Dawn chirped, immediately sensing she needed to do something before DJ and Rarity went at each other’s throats; while she hadn’t been told the full story, being part changeling, she could feel the barely-disguised looks of irritation between the unicorn and the upright earth mare. “What are you doing here?”
A very haggard Elusive stepped in the door a second later. “Trying to stop a disaster in the making,” he gasped.
“Oh, don’t be like that, Elusive, dear,” Rarity tut-tutted her son. “I’m only trying to perform a civic duty. It is my responsibility as the Knight of Generosity to do so, correct?”
“Mother, I’m not sure—”
“Please, darling, just leave it to me, okay?” She gave her son a sunny smile and turned to DJ. “Where is your…ahem…other…er, ‘brother’? I have to speak to him at once.”
DJ crossed her arms and looked at the white unicorn, realizing that she was neither a nightmare nor going away. “Oh, hi, Rarity. What hell on Earth are you trying to cause this time?”
Rarity looked at her estranged daughter. “Please, can’t we be civilized for once, Sandalwood? Or at least pretend to be, in your case? I know you’re capable of it.”
“I am, you’re right,” DJ admitted, “save that you don’t deserve any.” She then turned to her brother. “Luse, what’s she trying to do now?”
“Well, it involves Sam, and….”
“Ay, Dios mio,” DJ groaned. “Seriously? Are you still trying this shit?”
Rarity looked at Twilight. “Please, note for the record that I did try, Twilight.” She then looked at DJ. “Sandalwood, if you’re going to be uncouth, then all the reason why your, ahem, ‘brother’—”
“Anyone else practically hear quotation marks around that?” DJ argued. “Seriously? Sam is my kid brother. I don’t give a shit what you think, but he is my brother, just as much as Luse is. So please, if you want to be civilized, don’t be such a specist bitch, okay?”
Rarity hmphed. “Now that was just uncalled for.”
“Pot, kettle, hex code 000000.”
“Whatever that means. In any case, I have noticed that young Samuel is in need of a paramour. And I know just the young lady for him!”
“What, not a mare?” DJ was actually surprised by this.
“No, while I would think he would prefer that, I realize that humans would probably find it more favorable to be with their own kind than mares.” DJ’s response was to explode into laughter. “What, praytell, is so funny?”
“Okay, clearly you don’t read any edition of Cosmo, not that I do either, but I remember seeing them at the Navy Exchange. Are you so dense that you don’t realize that men are actually starting to prefer to date mares because of the natural aphrodisiacs they create? Hell, do you know what the number one perfume in most western countries is right now? It’s ‘Mare’s Desire’, and it’s made not by Chanel or any of those other companies – it’s made by Nestlé! A Goddamn chocolate company!” DJ continued to gasp, laughing until her sides hurt and she had to plop on the sofa for respite. “Anthropologists are now worried that if it wasn’t for overall global population growth, then humanity’s demographics would be as skewed as the pony one within a few decades!”
Twilight looked at her niece. “You do know that’s just an urban legend, right, DJ?”
“Whatever!”
Shrugging, Twilight turned to Rarity, figuring somepony had to get to the bottom of this. “So you’re trying to set up Sam with a mare?”
“No, Twilight, dear, I’m trying to set him up with Cerise. She has the grace and poise of an alicorn, the pure soul of a mare and the dedication of being one of the first naturalized Equestriani subjects.”
“In other words, she went so native they just gave her the whole Tarzan suit and called it a day?” DJ snarked.
“I have no idea what that means, but I’ll just chalk it up to your uncouth human standards. Anyway, I have seen Samuel and he seems to be as gallant a stallion as my dear Elusive or my husband, so he is definitely worthy of being tied to dear Cerise. After all, I see her as a daughter figure.” She looked at DJ again. “Unlike some others in this room.”
“Thank you and please burn in Hell.”
“And to think your older sisters died so you could be an ungrateful harridelle. I weep for Sparkler and Firecracker – they’re practically spinning in their graves right now.”
“Wow, that was a low blow even for you. Get the hell out of my house, you caustic bitch.” DJ got right up to her again. “I never knew them, but I know Father would be pissed to see you treat them like pawns in your little mindgame.”
Rarity’s eyes narrowed. “You eohippus! I loved them both! They were as much mine as you once were, or Minty or your brother! I would never, ever—”
“Except that you just did.” They all turned to look at Twilight. “Sorry, Rarity, but you were out of line.”
Rarity looked as though she’d been slapped. “I….” She looked as if wounded. “I understand, Twilight. Come, Elusive, we won’t find any assistance here.” Nothing else to say, the unicorn departed.
“Luse, keep an eye on her. I don’t trust her, but I trust you,” DJ asked him.
“I’ll work on damage control, DJ. You have my word,” he assured her before he followed Rarity out the door.
“I can see this is going to be one of those pleasant episodes in our lives,” Twilight groaned. “DJ, please promise me that you won’t lose your temper over this.”
“Of course not, Twi. I won’t lose my temper at all. I’ll go nuclear and kick her ass back to the stone age, but I promise I won’t lose my temper,” DJ said with a false smile.
Dawn looked at her cousin then back to her mother. “Is our family always like this?”
“No, dear, sometimes it’s worse.”
The pony receptionist looked up at the woman with a curious frown as she approached. She figured he must’ve thought her little black dress seemed unnecessarily provocative, but she didn’t care; she was a woman on a mission!
“Is there something I can help you with, miss?” the stallion asked warily.
The lady leaned against the desk, as if to share a conspiracy. “I’m looking for Director Martinez?” she asked, not quite an answer, but a question in its own right.
“He’s not here. May I ask who’s calling?”
“Yes, Cerise.”
“Cerise….” The pony trailed off as if waiting for an answer.
“Just Cerise. I don’t bother with a surname anymore. I’m not even sure I recall what it is.” A delicate finger went up to her lips. “Is it Summers? Or Sanders? Something with an S, I’m sure of that much.”
The stallion looked at her with disbelief. “You don’t recall your last name.”
“Well, it’s not like I need it here in Equestria, you know! And I’m an Equestriani citizen! ”
Except for probably at tax time, the stallion thought. “Mononyms aren’t common with humans,” he pointed out.
“Sure they are! Beck, Gliceé, Cassandra….”
“As I recall, those are stage names, not their official names,” the pony replied. “And your ID should say what your name is.”
She fished out her Crown Service ID, which identified her simply as CERISE. “Hmph! And what’s your name?”
The pony looked at her blandly. “North Shores.”
“North Shores? That sounds like a human name.”
Shores rolled his eyes. “My mother’s name is True North. My father’s is Sandy Shores. They weren’t exactly the best at coming up with names. Heck, my sister’s name is Truesand.”
“So, will you tell him I came looking for him?” She handed Shores her card. “Let him know I’m available anytime.” With that, she walked out the door and away from the REAL temporary headquarters.
A few seconds later, another pony came out. “Hey, North, you okay? You look kinda green.”
Shores looked at the other pony. “You didn’t smell that, Chasedown? That mare, er, woman was in heat! Oh Celestia, the stench!”
Chasedown sniffed the air, and his nose wrinkled. He shuddered. “I can just smell the afterscent. Stallion, I can’t imagine you getting a full whiff of that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Can you cover for me? I’m going to go to the restroom and bow to the porcelain alicorn.”
“Sure thing. Wonder why she was in heat?”
“Apparently she has a thing for the boss,” Shores said before he galloped off towards the stallion’s room.
Chasedown facewinged. “Someone’s got it bad for the boss? I feel sorry for that woman. I don’t think that man has any interest other than doing his job.”
In the bedroom of their home, a man and a woman collapsed after exerting themselves. “I thought this was supposed to be just a lunch break,” Sam gasped, out of breath.
Celestia threw her hair back, her body glistening from the sweat of their lovemaking. “It was. You got to enjoy the hottest dish in town,” she said, collapsing onto him and snuggling against his body.
“Oh, I’m supposed to have a meeting with Luna in ten minutes.”
“I’ll tell her I kept you detained.” She kissed him passionately. “Is that enough detention?”
“You know, Cel, you are one horny alicorn.”
“Sex-starved,” she giggled. “Fortunately, I have the cure right here,” she said, patting his cheek.
He was about to respond, when his phone went off. Giving his girlfriend an apologetic look, he answered it. “Yeah, this is Sam.”
“Sam, it’s DJ. We need to talk.”
“Oh, hey, sis, what’s up?” he said and Celestia got the message. One spell cleaned them off; a second one got them dressed a second later, and the third made the bed with new sheets.
“You busy?”
“Yeah, I’m…uh…in a meeting with Celestia. Some law enforcement issues, you know?” The alicorn-as-human bit off a laugh and shook her head in amusement.
“Can you come by for dinner? We really need to talk, little brother.”
Sam knew that turn of phrase whenever DJ used it; it was shorthand for her being a little overprotective. “Dee, what’s going on?”
“Just come on over for dinner tonight, okay? Besides, Mike and the kids would love to see you again. And yes, I know it’s been just a week since they saw you last. But just trust me, okay? Please?”
“Okay, okay. I had a dinner meeting for tonight, but I’ll see if I can reschedule.” He gave Celestia an apologetic look and she nodded; she could hardly fault him for spending time with family.
“Okay, see you around seven. Love ya, little bro.”
“Love you too, sis. Later.” He hung up and looked at Celestia. “Sorry, dinner’s going to be a wash.”
“It’s not a problem; I’ll call the restaurant and cancel.” She then changed back into her natural form. “As it is, I have a budget meeting at 1:30 that I need to get ready for, or else Blueblood will try to sneak something past me, I’m sure.”
“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” He kissed her on the muzzle.
“You already do that just by being in my life,” she said with a fillyish blush.
Cerise leaned on her desk and sighed.
“Cerise, dear, are you okay?” She looked up to see Rarity, dressed in her formal attire as Duchess Lipizzan and Knight of Generosity.
“I’m fine,” she said softly. “Just…a bit heartsick, you know.”
Rarity smiled. “Dear, I know what it’s like to be in love, and although he’s a human, he’s a rare example of what your species should be: strong and brave and charming. Why, were I human, I would consider him myself!” She saw the frown on Cerise’s face and patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, he will come to you in time. You are a heart amongst hearts, and if you truly care about him, you will see him in your forelegs someday, utterly smitten.”
“You mean that?”
“As sure as Cadance herself wills it!” A thought came across her features. “In fact, if you’d like, I will ask Cadance on your behalf to make an intercession.”
“You would do that for me?” Cerise asked, looking at Rarity as if she were an alicorn.
“Yes, of course I would for you, Cerise! You are like the daughter I never had! And I would never want to see you with anything less than the best in life! So I will contact Cadance for you and I’ll give you the details later. Now, I need to be off.”
Cerise remembered her duties. “I have already sent the flowers off to the bereaved family.”
“Thank you,” Rarity intoned sadly. “To think I would have to bury another Campolina.” Rarity wiped her eyes. “To think that changelings would just brutally murder poor Orange Box because they lost their chance to capture Canterlot – and then to find out they desecrated her body! Those brutes!”
“Justice will be done for Mrs. Box, I’m sure,” Cerise told Rarity.
“I hope so; her husband, as I understand it, is utterly disconsolate in his grief. And I can’t imagine what it’s doing to Autumn and Ditzy, but I will be there for them. In any case, I don’t think I’ll be back before business hours are done, so please, just lock up when you’re done for the day.”
“Will do.”
The funeral had been somber, with both Rarity and Cadence in attendance on behalf of the royal family. Additionally, another individual was there that the white unicorn hasn't expected: her foalhood friend, Bon-Bon. The remainder were ponies she never knew, the exceptions being Orange’s distraught husband, as well as Autumn and Ditzy and their family. She remembered a series of funerals decades ago and then the ones that should’ve taken place months ago, ones that now never would.
Rarity felt a wing drape around her side. “I feel it too,” Cadance said, and Rarity looked up to see the alicorn crying. “I miss him every day and my son will grow up without a father. And then I think of what you went through and my heart just rips again.”
Rarity let the tears flow. “It’s been one thing after another, hasn’t it? Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra…just one after another after another. We nearly died at your wedding. My husband was foalnapped at mine.” She looked at the ground sadly. “When do we get that Happily Ever After that we’re all supposed to deserve by now?”
“Sometimes I wonder if we even deserve it,” Cadance admitted. “That we did something wrong and maybe there’s a parallel universe where we’re all happy and nothing goes wrong that can’t be fixed within minutes.”
Rarity gave a bitter chuckle. “I’d love to see that world. I’d probably still be a fashion designer, full-time.”
Cadance laughed and brushed away her tears. “Yes, and Shining and I would’ve probably had an alicorn filly who was too much of a hassle during her magic spurts.” The two mares laughed, tears still rolling down their cheeks and more than a few stared at first, but understood the hell the two had gone through.
After calming down, Rarity saw Bon-Bon approaching her. “Your grace,” she said politely before briefly bowing before Cadance. “Your highness. It’s good to see you both, though I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“BB,” Rarity began, “regardless of the situation, it’s good to see you nonetheless. Although, you needn’t have bowed to us.”
“It’s a formal situation, Rity. Plus, I’ve never had the opportunity to meet her highness.” She then turned to Cadance. “I’m Bon-Bon. An old friend of Rarity’s.”
“I don’t know if you recall, but we’ve met before,” Cadance told her. “You’re Lyra’s ex-wife, aren’t you?”
Bon-Bon nodded. “It took me a long time to get over my depression and sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have,” the mare admitted. “I know it’s affected my memory quite a bit, and if it wasn’t for my current wife, I’d be lost.”
Rarity hugged Bon-Bon. “You’re not lost, so long as you have me, BB. So, I wasn’t aware you knew Orange.”
“Not that well. We were business partners and not much else. Still, I thought it important to pay my respects and promise her husband I’ll do what I can to help keep their business afloat. Usually companies don’t often survive the passing of the founder, and the Orange Box Baking Co. deserves to survive. Besides, it’s good for business, not that such is my primary concern.”
Rarity gave Bon-Bon a smile. “That’s so like you, BB. The world’s lucky it has somepony as wonderful as you.”
Bon-Bon shrugged. “Sometimes, I have my doubts, Rity, but that’s just life,” she said in a somber tone.
Sam, DJ and Mike sat on the balcony of the new house, mainly because it was one of the few places in the home where there weren’t moving boxes strewn all over. The grill was cooling down, and the trio were relaxing and looking at the night sky, accompanied by a fourth individual.
“Hey, thanks for inviting me over, DJ,” Sunset Shimmer told her. She chuckled and added, “Believe me, I was just as surprised as you were when I found out you’re my next-door neighbor.”
“Hey, you’re welcome, Sunset,” the humanized pony told her. “As it is, I’ll probably have you over more than once just to help me hang stuff.”
“Yeah, because clearly hanging pictures is all unicorns are good for,” the amber mare drolled.
“You said it, not me.”
Sunset laughed. “Well, I’d love to stay and chat some more, but I have to get up early tomorrow. I’ve been asked to head out to Yakyakistan and discuss the latest issue Prince Rathburne has with bringing his yaks into the modern century.” She shook her head and laughed. “I swear, if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re a protectorate, we’d probably just ignore them.” She then realized what she said, and quickly added, “I’m sorry; that was insensitive of me. I don’t want to come off as a specist – we have enough of that in this world, and sometimes it seems like Canterlot is the epicenter of it.”
Sam spoke for them. “Don’t worry about it; we’ve all heard much worse.”
“Still, if the palace is going to assign me diplomatic duties, it’s best that I don’t blow it, you know?” She got up and hoof/fistbumped the others. “Thanks for having me over, folks. We should do this again sometime.”
Mike got up. “C’mon, I’ll show you out.”
“Thanks!” With that, Mike and Sunset headed back into the house.
“Well, she seems like a nice enough mare,” Sam commented to his sister. “I hope you weren’t trying to fix me up with her.”
“Naaaah, she actually does live next door. Besides, I don’t get involved in your personal life, Sam.”
“So then why did you invite me over? Granted, sis, I love seeing you guys, but it’s not like I live whole time zones away anymore.” His brown eyes locked into her purple ones as he asked, “So you want to level with me about what’s going on?”
She looked at him with frustration. “Someone wants to mess in your love life…and that someone isn’t me.” DJ then explained her run-in earlier that day with Rarity and the results of that debacle.
“And she seriously wants to fix me up with this Cerise girl?” When his sister nodded, he frowned. “Why me? Seriously, why me?”
“Well, we could go with the obvious, which is that she wants to piss me off. Or maybe she thinks getting you with Cerise will symbolically steal you from our family, since with Rarity turnabout is apparently fair play….” DJ then chuckled. “Wouldn’t it be just laughable if she did this as a compliment? Think about it: Cerise is her secretary, so that means she’s trying to do something nice for a human.”
Sam slumped in the seat as Mike returned. “Yeah, because my girlfriend is going to take that so well.”
Mike raised an eyebrow in mild surprise. “You haven’t even finished moving here yet and you’re already dating? That’s fast, bro.”
DJ, as expected, was all smiles. “So, what’s she like? Mare or other? When do we get to meet her?”
An uncomfortable look came over the younger man’s face. “I’d…rather not give details yet. We’ve only been together for a few weeks and I want to make absolutely sure this relationship doesn’t crash and burn like my last two. You remember the hell I went through the last time.”
“Okay, fair enough. But as soon as you are sure….”
“Yes, then I’ll bring her over so you can do your overprotective big sister shtick.”
DJ leaned into her husband and giggled. “He knows me well.”
Tired after staying at his sister’s place until midnight, Sam tapped the doorknob to his home. It flicked a bright green and once again he was amazed by magical locks, something that was commonplace here and a luxury back on his Earth. Perhaps in another decade or two the cost would come down, but until then, Bluetooth and magnetic locks were the standard.
No sooner than he turned the knob than he heard a voice speak behind him: “Excuse me, but are you Sam Martinez?” He turned to see a stunning blonde with short hair, soft brown eyes and a svelte body.
“Yes, I am,” he said, “but I usually don’t get visitors this late at night. Kinda makes me suspicious, Cerise.”
Her eyes widened. “You know who I am?”
He nodded. “If I remember correctly, there are about 27,000 humans living in Equestria, with the majority of them living here in Canterlot, given that they’re diplomatic staff. However, there are only sixty-one who are registered as Equestriani subjects, and of those, only five are women…and only two are single. Now, given that the one single one is a lesbian and in a relationship with a mare, that leaves just you.”
Cerise took a step back; this was not how she imagined things were going to go. “What?”
Sam smiled. “Oh, did I forget to mention that the mare works for me? Deep Search is one of my analysts, and she says that she and Kerri are just happy to be together. I guess I’ll have to wait for the company picnic to confirm that, though.”
“Look, I….”
He tried to be patient with her; he didn’t know if her feelings were genuine (odd, given that they’d never met before), or if she was a pawn in one of Rarity’s aforementioned schemes. “Look, Cerise…I’m flattered. Really. But I don’t know you, and I really take a dim view of being surprised at night. It’s part of my job – I have to be careful.”
The look on Cerise’s face was clear that she hadn’t thought about any of this, and inwardly, Sam fumed. How much grasp did Rarity have on this girl that she threw common sense out the window? And did Celestia know about this? He resolved to have a talk with her about it first chance he got.
Still, he had to let this girl down easily, because he had a feeling tomorrow was going to be a long day. “Look, Cerise,” he began.
She paused, then leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “No, I get it. I came on too strong. So, let’s start again later, okay? I’ll come by your office later this week and we can have lunch, if that works for you.”
“Um…sure,” he said, scratching his head.
“Okay.” She waved and headed towards a car parked across the street. “I’ll see you later then!” She blew him a kiss, then turned back towards the car, a vintage 1995 Mitsubishi Eclipse. He watched her drive off, then turned back towards the door, figuring out how he was going to explain this to Celestia. There’d be no way she wouldn’t know about this, right?
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Really the royal family should just invest in spray bottles. Give Rarity or DJ a good squirt every time they start getting snippy with each other. Rarity might need a Super Soaker to get the point though. Using Dinky and Sparkler like that was an INCREDIBLY low blow and she's lucky Silver wasn't there to hear it...
8363740
Frankly, I´m tired of DJ being a walking stupid ball for Rarity: everytime they got closer, Rares goes full bitch. She is supposed to act as a Bearer of Generosity, for Faust sake!
8363815
She is...just not when it comes to DJ. She is likely sincere for wanting what she feels is best for Cerise. Plus, she sacrificed her emotions about DJ in order to heal Lyra.
It's just DJ is a huge blind spot for her, and everyone knows it.
Seriously can the girls just sit down with Rarity and talking this thing out? At this point it would be obvious that anytime Rarity and DJ get near each other they just start arguing at the drop of the hat. Yes DJ and Rarity need to work things out but neither side can handle each other becuase they believe that the other party knows what their side knows. I think DJ is the closest to knowing the full story but apparently Rarity has not been informed of DJ’s near rape thanks to Rainbow Dash’s impatient attitude. Hopefully someone or somepony will knock some sense into their thick skulls.
What has we called a ponyfied human sobre years ago? Well, in the scale between just having adapted to living among ponies and despising her own humanity enough to cut off her own hands, I believe that Cerise gall is at 0.9 Chatoyance. And Rarity is disgusting.
Other than that: Shin: you had made it canon that there is a marked gender skew among ponies. In fact, one of your side stories, the one about the bar maid and the pony stallion studying human medicine, revolved around the gender skew as far as the girl was concerned.
8364906
Yes, I know there's a pronounced gender skew. But even with said skew, you can't affect the number of another species (in the billions) within a decade in pronounceable numbers. A generation or two, yes - but not a decade or so and that's what Twilight is pointing out. Not to mention that grocery store aisle magazines are nothing but gossip rags anyway, so it's either a misleading headline she saw or salacious bullshit.
8364906
Frankly, Cerise comes out as a pitiable figure considering how Rarity has made her into a replacement goldfish for "Sandalwood".
8365530
Given that she's a boomerang bigot, I wouldn't feel too sorry for her.
I am so tempted to steal this line for something else . . . it's great.
Ha!
I see what you did here . . .
8366453
north.....shores im sorry I don't get the ref