• Member Since 17th Nov, 2015
  • offline last seen August 31st

Jupiter VII


Moons of Jupiter.


Comments ( 45 )

That last line is a story I'd really like to hear. :pinkiehappy:
Really liked this story gave it a quick read it was enjoyable Merci for writing it.

8301035
Thank you!! I'm glad you liked it c:

Heh, if anypony understands 'tis better to give...' it'd be Rarity, of course. Of course, in this case she also receives a blush that accompanies Twilight at her most adorkable, sooo yeah, pretty even there no matter what that book cost.

What a lovely little story, thank you for (somehow, heh) finding the time.

You're a skilled writer, that much is clear. But as a whole, this story just seemed hackneyed and a bit lazy. The premise, albeit cute, had lines that felt ripped from a hallmark card or lifetime original movies.

I know you can do better than this.

This was lovely!

8301309
Basically this.

It was a decent story, and did what it set out to do, but it felt a bit watered down. I feel like you could have fleshed it out and given it more depth, but you rushed to finish it at barely past the required 1k word limit.

The writing is there, just not the soul, in my opinion.

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Eh, I disagree. This is a moment in time, and a tiny piece of an ongoing relationship. It's a little moment, and little moments end up defining a relationship. When these sort of things disappear from a relationship... well, that relationship starts to become hollow. Left without these little moments... it can destroy a relationship.

It's perfectly in keeping with Rarity's generosity. Perfectly in keeping with Twi in "SQUEE BOOK" mode. It's about Rarity being able to love Twi gush about one of her favorite things in the world. About being able to get joy from someone else's passion, even if they don't share that passion themselves. It's a critical thing, not only for romance, but for friendships as well.

8301651
I understand where you're coming from and I've written fics like this before. But at the end of the day, it feels washed and reused and I didn't enjoy my reading experience. I actually read this story figuring I would enjoy it, and I didn't. I didn't just click on it to downvote .

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Hi!

I'm sorry you felt that way! Stories having a "heart" in them has always been a... rule of my writing, after all, so though I can see why you say that, I can promise you every line in that story, even the hallmark ones, were heartfelt and written as a present for a friend!

But... the words "you can do better" can be dangerous. In fact, if I may be blunt, though these are words of support, which flatters me that people want me to constantly improve myself, they can be twisted into "this isn't good enough". I actually started out here on fimfiction by writing small little fluffy ficlets that did nothing but be cute, but I eventually got obsessed with the idea of "not being good enough" and stopped posting cute ficlets. It got to the point where I have dozens of unpublished fluffy one-shots, and I've altogether stopped posting cute fics on my main account because "it's not good enough" or "profound enough".

Sorry! I've rambled on now, though I think it's a ramble I had long coming. I can't promise I can do better than this, because I sincerely felt this was good and honest and its intention was to be cute, but I hope other stories I write in the future might give you a... better experience?

Regardless, thank you for reading regardless, and for taking the time to be honest and wanting me to improve as a writer !<3

8301374
Thanks, Cyne!

8301262
Thank youuuuu, Sun!

8301674
Suffice it to say you have writing talent. No question about it. I just think you could come up with something better than this idea. If I didn't think you had talent, I wouldn't waste my time commenting.

Keep at it, my friend

“But now”

Hmmm.

“Curiously, Rarity's expression matched her voice”

I like how you've haven't described her voice yet. You haven't defined it. You stretched it out for just a little, making the reader wonder just what it was.

“Twilight said brightly, as one should do when gifted with a surprise present—and a book, no less! Books were her favorite things, after all”

God, Twi. Never change. 

“I have my ways," Rarity replied non-committally until Twilight raised an eyebrow and she giggled. "A client in Manehattan collects antiques and agreed to sell it to me.”

What?! It's a way! 

“...and so did Twilight know that the book she'd been given had not been cheap to buy”

"And so did Twilight know" I love that turn of phrase. 

“I know you love having absolutely every edition of every book you love, so I simply had to get it for you”

You would get that, considering how many of the broaches you have, Rarity. I remember Trade Ya!

“Rarity's lips curved, and she rested an elbow on the table, later pressing her chin against her hoof.”

There's the scene. From the cover! Eeeeeee.

“It happened sometimes, those small moments where it seemed as though nothing in the world existed to Rarity but Twilight, and it was always in those moments that Twilight would suddenly become aware of the rapid beating of her heart.”

That's... gorgeous. And rare as hell. In a relationship, this is one of the greatest things you can do. Show that nothing else matters save for the person talking. In both friendship and romance.

“Rarity blinked, her eyes flickering towards her unsipped beverage. "Is it? I hadn't realized”

And I don't even care in the slightest, darling. :duck:

“Twilight grinned sheepishly. "Isn't it?! It's one of my favorite stories to tell.”

NEVER CHANGE. 

“Rarity hummed, and though she remained in her position—chin resting on her hoof— her smile”

I really need to introduce humming into my characters...

“vanished and her voice growing serious. "Twilight, may I be very honest with you?”
“Had she upset Rarity now?”

Eeeee. That's cute. She's worried! Even for a split second!

“Rarity tilted her head slightly, her eyes fluttering. "Because seeing you happy is what I most love in this world,”

EEEEEEEEE

she said, and oh, how her smile turned mischievous at the heavy blush now decorating Twilight's cheek. "Now," she continued, licking her lips and leaning in, ears perked up, "what happened after Oracle jailed Starswirl?”

General EEEEEEEE continues. It's so cute I could die! But I'm not going to in the hope of getting more! "And oh, how her..." was another gorgeous turn of phrase. I'm also a sucker for anytime Rarity makes Twilight blush. A double-sucker when it isn't a tease, but something that sound like a tease on the surface, but is actually the pure truth beneath.


Is this story fluffy? Yes! But I think my definition of fluffy is very different from others. Some people see fluffy as meaning "having no substance and/or meaning." That's not what fluffy means to me. It means something that's sweet and wonderful. Cute and adorable. Something that's fun! Not every story needs to have an intense dramatic back and forth. Honestly, I would suffocate if all stories were like that. The best long-form stories have this wonderful back and forth between "fluff" and drama. And sometimes, you just need pure cuteness. This is the perfect story for when the world seems a bit on the grey side, where events around you seem to conspire to drain happiness from your life and when there's a bit of a heaviness within yourself you can't do a thing about. Stories like these won't fix that state... but they will make you smile and laugh and have all sorts of warm fuzzies, if only for a moment. It's a nice cup of hot chocolate on a bitingly cold winter day. It warms you up when you need it. :heart:

As I said in a previous comment, this story resonates with me. When these sorts of little moments disappear from a relationship, the relationship starts crumbling from the inside out. The worst part is... it's something that's sometimes hard to notice. Not because of malice or disinterest. No, usually these moments vanish because people get too busy or simply get too used to routine. They get forgotten. Nothing more. The even bigger problem is once that state has been there for a while... it tends to do far more damage than one might think.

I also like the theme of what gifts actually mean. Rarity continued to refuse to let Twilight try to repay "the debt," no matter what. It was a gift and the repayment was nothing less than Twilight's joy. As someone who likes to give gifts, this is something I understand all too well. Ironic that I often end up in Twi's position and go "But I have to even the scales!" I think for a lot of people, the joy at having a gift received is often so much more valuable than the thing that's given. It's something I think all people should remember. :pinkiehappy:

Onto the "Top Shelf" this story goes. It's a story I'm going to need to re-read from time to time... to remind myself about the importance of little moments. :twilightsmile::raritywink:

8301684
Ahh, well, thank you! I do appreciate it, and I will continue keeping on o:

This was totally adorbs. Jeez. This story I think just totally sold me on RariTwi. I'm still smiling like a goof. Write more of these!

...oh you did in the past.

Write more anyway!

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I could copy-paste this comment on fics by some of the high tier writers (by follower count and/or actual writing skill) on this site and not be wrong. The thing about fluff-shots is that they're not necessarily meant to be super serious. They're just meant for fun.

Having read it start to finish, the one thing I would've liked was to hear the full tale of why Oracle was banned, because I'm a slut for little bits of worldbuilding like that. Otherwise, the dialogue matched the characters' canon portrayals well, the setup was cute, and it was a nice little thing to spend a few minutes reading after melting my brain with physics homework.

So cheers, Jupiter. If you'll all excuse me, I'm gonna go see if I can pour my brains back into my head. If anyone finds a funnel I can borrow, let me know.

Comment posted by Jupiter VII deleted July 17th

8301718
Cool! This is going to be fun! (Still write more!)

:pinkiegasp:

New chapter of The Enchanted Raritwi

Comment posted by Jupiter VII deleted July 17th

8301717
*Offers the use of one of the large brewing funnels he owns* This might help, Carapace.

As for the story itself, I honestly loved it. It was very cute, and just the boost I needed after a kinda crappy night last night.

Anyway, back to sipping my own tea (Because, honestly, I can't let Rarity have all the tea!) and then add this to my favorites!

Oracle's book aren't very easy to find

books, darling. Plural.

And honestly, I feel the only weakness of this story is that you seamlessly inserted a tantalizing glimpse of a story set in ancient history involving a rivalry between two wizards that included jail-time.

Wait... is that even a weakness?

8301309 So what?

Not every story has to be TOP TIER 100% AMAZING SUPER DEEP AND PROFOUND all the time. The story is a drabble. It's not trying to be Hemingway. It's a snapshot into a cute heartwarming moment with no greater purpose than to make people smile or giggle. And you may call it hackneyed or cliche, but cliches exist in fiction because they exist in real life as repeating patterns. If you don't enjoy it, maybe you're just too jaded to. It doesn't mean the fic is bad, it just means you're not the target audience.

Quite frankly, Fimfic needs more cute stuff like this. Stuff without strings attached, stuff without massive amounts of emotional investment, stuff that exists not to completely redefine our worldview or make you rethink your perception of romance, but to just make people smile and bring a little light into the days of those who read it.

Fics like this are like a cone of soft-serve ice-cream. You don't eat it to taste the absolute height in chic dessert cuisine. You eat it because it's a simple and wholesome joy. Life is full of those little things, and it's better to accept them for what they are instead of judging them for not being the cure to cancer or the end of world hunger.

8302147

maybe you're just too jaded to

You know, I gave my honest opinion on the story, and this is the kind of response I get. I could've just downvoted and walked away, but instead I made my thoughts clear and concise without being offensive. Maybe you should take Rarity's characterization in this fic to heart and try being kind and understanding as opposed to flipping out just because I don't share your opinion.

hackneyed and a bit lazy

felt ripped from a hallmark card or lifetime original movies.

felt a bit watered down

writing is there, just not the soul

I made my thoughts clear and concise without being offensive

I'm sorry.... which of those wasn't offensive again? It's fine to offer criticism but this didn't qualify; it was just bland insults. Further, reminding folks that it's your opinion doesn't make it not offensive. It is indeed your opinion which is causing offense, because of how you expressed it. There's nothing constructive about calling something 'hackeyed', 'watered-down', or 'soulless', so what are you after here?

Before you get all defensive, maybe you should analyze your own writing with the same cold eye you used for the fic. What did you accomplish with your words, really? You are certainly entitled to your opinion, and that is what the comments section is for. However, when you express it in such broad, and yes offensive, terms, people will respond as you see. They are just as entitled to do so.

8302204 The problem here is that you WERE offensive. The author even went out to point exactly how, by explaining the dangers of the "you can do better" line of thinking and how damaging it can be. But you just repeat it again as if nothing the author said even matters. It makes me wonder if you even read their comment, or if you realize how back-handed your ‘compliment’ really is.

The sad part is that you probably think you're helping, when the truth is that your critique is purely "it's lazy and uninspired", which says absolutely nothing except that you don't like the idea. Nothing about your "critique" reads like an actual critique. It just reads like a "I didn't enjoy this story and I need to cobble together some semblance of an objective justification so that I can blame the author for my dislike of the story instead of myself".

After all, didn't we just have an episode about the dangers of honest opinions? This is one of those times where “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” comes well into play.

8302255
Jesus christ dude, the guy gave his opinion. You don't have to act like you're profoundly offended by it, specially over something like a comment in a fic that is not even yours, even the author herself appreciated the criticism.

8302255

The dangers of honest opinions

Dude, really?

I've read this whole thread, and I see no offensive language in Famous' original comment. It falls well within the bounds of constructive criticism to give your general reaction to a story because a lot of what writing is made to do is to create an emotional response. Trying to become the Golden Knight of Fimfiction™ and protect an author from a negative opinion is doing nothing for anyone.

And by the way, the author did indeed accept his criticisms. That should have been the end of it, but you made a big deal of it.

Princess Twilight Sparkle looked up from her book, the sounds of the coffee shop filtering into the background and allowing her ears to focus on her marefriend's soft voice. What a strange description, she might have thought, especially when Rarity's voice often was the most vibrant sound in the room.

Did Twilight just criticize the author's narration? How many layers of meta are we dealing with here?

This was cute. Moment in time, slice of life, fluff, call it what you will. It doesn't have much in the way of deeper meaning or symbolism, but not every story has to have that, I think. Snapshots of a person's everyday experiences, say, a quiet moment between two lovers, can have their own sort of profundity.

It helps your case that, like, eighty percent of what I write these days is just two characters shootin' the shit over this or that...

On the other hand, I found some of your writing florid and, for lack of a better term, overwritten. At times, it's even a bit hard to follow; I had to reread the "the waiter dropped the tray" sentence a couple of times to parse it properly. That detracts from the reading experience just a bit. It's still a pleasant read, overall, owing primarily to the characterization, but I think your prose could benefit from a general de-purpling.

ChappedPenguinLips
Story Approver

Internet debates are behind me nowadays, so I don't think I'll be participating in the who said what comments section this has become, and hopefully I can focus on the story.

As always, I absolutely love the writing! You're just so talented. Main account and alt account, I think no matter what, I can always rely on a beautifully written story. And this is fluffy. This is a cute little one-shot designed to be just what it is. I hope you had fun writing it just like I had fun reading it! This got linked to me, and I decided to give it a read, and it put a smile on my face almost instantly. I love the way you always do RariTwi, because it's cute, and it's natural cute. Fluff is fluff, but it's also very enjoyable. Like I said, it put a smile on my face.

So, thanks for sharing! I really enjoyed it.

Be civil, y'all. And let's keep in mind we're here for the story like it or don't care for it. "Love and tolerate," and respect the author's story. I know I wouldn't want my comments section going on about things other than the story, especially as good as this one is!

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The funniest thing about this entire thread is that no one is inherently wrong in their points, but no one is actually right either. To Swan's credit, there was little actually presented in FLW's critique other than "you can do better than this" and a few canned Youtube reviewer phrases before saying he didn't like it. To FLW's, yes, it is indeed a fluff piece and nothing more. And it doesn't pretend to be otherwise.

Still, too much aggression in the defense and not enough substance in the actual "critique" for it to even qualify as such to earn that defense. If you're going to critique, you can't just drop buzzwords, mention applying a downvote, and then try to invoke "omg does the author really need a white knight" when someone says that your attempt wasn't that great. On the flipside, no, defending a fic doesn't need to be nearly so insulting to the commenter. And coming from me, of all people, should say something. This thread is little more than opinionated faffing right now.

Go to your respective corners until you can do otherwise. Or take it to PMs. Idgaf. Jupiter's probably not pleased though. Cheers, gang.

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I thought I was being civil; I certainly could have been more biting about it.

Amusing and suspicious to get that many downvotes in such a short time for daring to gainsay the 'critique' posts; apparently a number of people disagree. I wonder why that is. Eh, no I don't. It's not that important, and if it helps him, peachy. I won't address the issue again; enjoy the story, all.

To be completely honest, I didn't feel...much; of anything. It's lighthearted, but almost too lighthearted for me to consider it as romance. There's nothing they do that sets their relationship as marefriends in stone for us. Any good friend can give a present to another friend and say that making them happy is what they love most in the world. That's what's integral to the gift of giving.

It's well written, but this story feels much less like a romance and more like a nice, simple conversation.

Your story is straight to the point and I like that. Generosity isn't about just giving things away, but what you get for being generous. Some give for recognition, and others give based on what they get in return. You show Rarity's generosity is due to what she gains by just making others happy. A nice positive feedback loop.

Someone didn't like something I liked. TIME TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT

8302770
I'm not exactly sure what this comment is supposed to do, especially considering that the only person getting notified of and seeing this is me.

People have already expressed their opinions, and I was polite in my replies to the critique, and at this point, comments like these are not funny as the issue has been laid to rest. I can't control the opinions of my readers, and I'm not about to shut down people for expressing their opinions.

Always fun to read well-written, cute shorts like these.

8302778
it was an err of judgement on my part and a comment I probably shouldn't have made in a dumb attempt at humor. You can delete it if you like.

This was a charming story, and while I understand that it may not be everyone's cup of tea because of its calm tone, the whole experience was enjoyable. Twilight and Rarity's dialogue help establish their chemistry, and the prose is expertly woven with some cute moments sprinkled throughout the tale. Tying Rarity's generosity to the conclusion was a nice touch, and it highlights her character and the qualities that she represents. The only thing I'd recommend is that the story could've been longer, and maybe the parts about generosity could have played a larger role in the narrative if that was the case, but there's nothing major that needs changing. The story is plenty enjoyable as it stands. Nicely done, and I'm glad that I got to read it. :twilightsmile:

Nice job! Coming from a person who’s edited and rewritten stories from Evictus, this story’s a nice break to see. It still has the cutesy ideas that he seems to come up with daily, but at the same time, the execution of the story is simply amazing! :raritywink:

Did you write this based just on the picture, or did you somehow manage to stumble across one so perfectly suited to this fic?

This was a sweet little read! I always enjoy reading the 'little windows into cute moments' like this. That's the best way I can describe it, at least. Slice of Life just doesn't seem to fully explain how heart warming moments like these are. It's got such a calm and relaxed feel to it all, all wrapped in love.

I know I haven't mentioned anything about plot or skill level (which are both excellent as always), but really what makes this fic so nice is just the mood of it all, which you captured beautifully using the plot and writing skill.

A lovely little story!

I am quite a fan of short, little stories like these. I love the softness in this story's tone, the way you describe Rarity's affections for Twilight is so enjoyable to read. You really believe that she is a pony head over heels. It's so sweet, especially at the end when she reveals how she did it all for her own benefit. That was a nice little twist. It has just the right amount of cute and it lets you into but a glimpse of what one might imagine being a beautiful love story. But sometimes, this is all you need. Just one cup of tea, a special moment between two ponies. I really love this, thank you.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Speaking of selfish things, I want to know the whole story behind the banning of the books. D:

rsy

This short story is very sweet.Very close to the original.:raritywink:💗:twilightsheepish:

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