- Member Since 27th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
lost worlds
After a year or so I finally decided that I should make an account on this site to comment and or write because I love reading the stories posted here.
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To be honest this is a great start. From here on I hope the adventure gets interesting. Especially depending on how this plays out because these characters now hold massive sway on the direction of this universes history.
8367285
Making this story better was my biggest goal with this restart and to hear that I did just that honestly feels really good, I hope that I can meet your expectations and keep this story both interesting, and engaging.
Thanks!
I think I like this one better
Why rewrite Equestrias Newest Guards?
8451224
Because I already knew that I had fucked up by the time I had written its last chapter. I had written myself into a corner, where I had ideas for how the story could progress, but not how it should with the characters I had chosen. This story features the five that I could actually see what I could do with them, what personalities I could give them, and what kinds of choices they would make. All in all the reason I rewrote it was a mixture of bad writing and poor planning on my part, so I decided to get my shit together and actually come up with a plan for this one. And to be completely honest this one probably still wouldn't be all that good if not for Note Of A Ghost, so I owe a lot to him for his help in correcting my awkward dialogue.
8451317
Torture scene was quite inventive. Candle wax in open wounds sound rather painful, though it does reveal Nate can let a twisted side out that is rather fitting. Besides, it's not over the top, unlike Cupcakes or Rainbow Factory, just breaking the monotony of the 'canon'. Could use a few ideas as my own story picks up two and a half years before the 'canon' actually picks up.
8452043
Thanks for the feedback and if your asking for ideas then I'd be happy to help, though I will admit that torture actually happens to be one of my specialties (which might be why so many people are afraid of me now that I think about it). I was going to use something that I had seen on a youtube video, but the idea for candle wax in open wounds popped into my had so I went with that instead. If you're not asking for my help, then I wish you good luck in your endeavors.
8452100
There are places, I intend, where torture will happen in my own Displaced tale, as the ponies (anthro, in my case) do not know much of humanity, but some have found evidence of their darker nature... and it has very much twisted them into some rather... dangerous individuals.
8452428
Well if you ever need advice, ask away.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is how you do not write a story.
Edgy, unlikable loser(s) wind up in Magical Tallking Waifu Land, check.
Said losers inexplicably become "kick ass warriors" (ha) despite being completely lacking in the qualities necessary to do so, check.
...
I think I'll stop here. Anyone that's wasted enough time reading this schlock of a "genre" can already see what's coming next.
8452100
>itt edgy kid is edgy
8464981
You know what, I'm not going to get mad at you. I'm just going to tell you that of course you would think that they were inexplicably fighters, their pasts haven't even been explained yet, all you know about each of them is their height, age, name, species, and some personality traits, but nothing about their pasts (besides Nate and Paddie being bronies) so go ahead and hate, I won't care.
now im interested in how they got burnt up.
8562059
The most I'll say at the moment is that it has to do with how they actually got to Equestria and why their forms were altered. Though I won't say what actually did it.
please don't one character more likable then other 5 and actually have distinct character personalities that are rare or relate-able. having multiple main characters ,or even side characters can be hard to manage but to have 6 MAIN that's suicidal. However it has been done, i hope it works out for ya.
also, please don't make one character more op then the other main characters and if you do have the others have more personality, conflict or faults so it'll make the story be balance, or he'll end up being a gary stu. ( if you hadn't notice who i'm talking about it's Nate)
i've seen the latter happen so many times its annoying
lastly please don't focus on one character all the time or more frequently then the others but so far that has not been the problem so thank you for that.
i hope this helps you or you take some considerations from this comment. Good luck
8564247
I will take what you said into consideration, though I would like to point some things out (mostly to see what you think). Sure Nate managed to take out several timber wolves, but he was also severely hurt in the attack and barely managed to win (I might not have said it yet, but he is actually just ignoring severe amounts of pain so he can see more of Ponyville and be there to go against Nightmare Moon), Theo was actually hurt less in his fight against the manticore, even though a manticore is easily a more fearsome opponent than two timber wolves. Another thing is that I think a character that derives any form of pleasure from torturing another sentient being is far from being a gary stu (though I could be wrong on that one). I also plan on continuing to spend plenty of time with each character instead of focusing on any one character, whether or not they're like-able however depends on what traits people find like-able or not (for example some people could actually find the fact that Nate was willing to torture the guy a like-able trait, while others might find it horrible). I'm also sure though that if you look hard enough you'll start to see some small conflict withing the group and see a bit of personality from a few of the characters. Thanks for the feedback though and I'm glad that I'm doing something right at least.
8565121sorry I need to clear up why I think nate has the most chances on ruining a story.
1. he has a personality problem
There's not much that can go wrong with your character having "demons" or psycho ideals. It's how the person and the people around that can either accept or go against it. Plus when your main 5 reacted to friend having no problem torturing a guy ,very violently, and not really having second thoughts only question it.
2. representation of a alicorn
There are good main characters that are alicorns and there are the opposite. There really isn't much middle ground when it come to that:in my whole time of 2 years on this site. In my opinion having a character earn it rather then get it usually works out more then 'magically alicorn'. However there are stories that have worked with the latter but there are very few.
Lastly if you read Staying Sane in Equestria. This has the potential to have a similar outcome: great in the beginning but loses in the middle/end.
your character Nate has a similar potential of Nate in SSE. Being over used deus ex machina / Godly being with no problems other then the author actually has to add problems to the character in some random bullshit planet/ universe/ dimension buster that just come out of nowhere with no character development or mention and is usually solved in two or three chapters. If you read SSE you won't believe how much that story can be very similar or correlated in a different dimension, after about chapter 75 it just lost me and other people for having a similar group of friends like yours and have similar quirks but only more insanity.
But I do see the golden route in this story I just hope you surprise me
Also, Nate with him having problems with timberwolves I didn't really see a problem with that or the torturing. it's the future these characters, and you setting Nate up to be, so far I have seen. it's what really scares me.
To be honest we all are curious or even a tiny bit cautious with the future so yeah that's why I'm very critical or "hating" on this story if those who think that I'm just giving pointers or ideas that won't get this story the gallows because I'm tired of seen good ideas die from poor execution
In the end though, I hope you do well.
Till you release more chapters I really can't give my full opinions so don't think I will leave this story very soon. If I am committed enough to write God dam paragraphs with my horrific spell check Android. I think I can read about 40 or more chapters to see how this plays out.
8565474
I see what you mean, though I guess I'll just say this now (about the torture). The reason none of Nate's friends reacted very much to his actions is because he has had mental problems that made him like that for about as long as they've known him. It not that they just suddenly accepted it, its that they have known him for years and are well aware of his boundaries and what he's willing to do, its the same reason why they knew he wouldn't actually kill the guy, and why they bother listening to both him and Paddie at all. Beyond that I also plan to give Nate a gradual amount of strength over time, meaning he won't just be overpowered off the bat. As you have seen he has not been using any magic or even flying, that's because he doesn't know how to do either. He will have to learn how to use his magic and wings, and I don't plan on making him a prodigy either.
There is one more thing I'd like to address about him though, and that is the power he already has. The reason he was able to handle the timber wolves so well wasn't a fluke and wasn't added for no discernible reason, it has to do with natural alicorn biology. If there is one thing we know about alicorns, it's that they have the abilities of all the three tribes, but even stronger (something that is addressed by Nate himself in chapter 4 when he was telling the group what he was). It for this reason that he has a larger amount of strength and durability, it's just a matter of biology. If you were to walk up and punch both Celestia and Applejack in the face, it would hurt your hand more hitting Celestia, and Celestia would hit a lot harder in comparison when they both hit you back.
The last thing that I'd like to address however is how they got their powers (since I decided that I'm not actually going to put the how in the story, though don't read if you don't want to know). The reason they have their powers is the summoning spell that was mentioned by Starswirl, a spell that mixed with a powerful solar flare that caused it to increase in power and instability until it pulled from another dimension instead of from Equis, also creating a small rift in time that pulled himself through while depositing those he summoned around the same point in the future. However, when they were put onto Equis the energy of the solar flare forced some of the ambient magic to fuse with their souls, causing slight changes in their biology as their bodies reacted to the invading magic(it's also the reason why their clothes were so burnt, they were only just barely protected by the summoning spell while inside the flare). The reason they all became what they are relates to their personalities, which I'm sure that you'll see when I reveal a bit more about them.
I do thank you however for the constructive feedback. I'm sure you've seen that there are people who just leave hate without giving any in depth reasoning behind why they hate it so I can make the story better *cough*Hamster*cough*. You on the other hand actually took the time to give me feedback that can actually be of use, so thank you. I will honestly take what you've said into consideration as you have actually made some very good points that I've have to be stupid to ignore. I also have to ask, was the character is Staying Sane in Equestria really named Nate, because I have honestly never heard of that story and can't find it now, so I'm kinda curious.
8565543yeah the Mc was named nate.
and internet cookie*
The story must have been removed by the author because I can't find it anymore either:weird. If I can I'll try and look in the archives and see if I can link a chapter or two.
Anyways thank you for being a understandable author and actually taking my "hating" with maturity and respect.
*Gives
#didn'treadspoiler
here i found fimfic reader who covered the story and reads it.
also it was actually called staying sane in a peaceful world with more likes then dislikes which i don't know how other then a guy making a bunch of fake likes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-ilFNfNUwg
here's the person who made staying sane. (but he deleted it) ( look at comment section the people will ask why he deleted it)
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/74831/tranhdxrbntd
8566706
I personally just don't want to make a big deal out of someone who is genuinely trying to help. I also know how to distinguish between "hate" and constructive criticism, so I knew not to be mad at what you said (I don't see why I would be, you never actually said that you disliked the story, just that it seemed to be headed towards paths that would make it bad). Thank you again for being constructive instead of just attacking the story or me.
Also, I didn't hear the name Nate get used in that story. Granted, I did only listen to a few minutes, but I listened long enough for the guy to read the description and say flat out that the story was a self-insert with himself and his friends, with the closest name that sounded like Nate being someone named Nick, though I suppose I might have just heard wrong.
8566941
yeah, i messed up by thinking nick was nate ,and tran / nick had reversed roles sorry about that.
8567241
No problem.
Already I enjoy the groups chemistry and their varying personalities.
Nice new chapter can't wait for more.
9012281
Thanks, hopefully I'll be able to get chapters out faster since I'm just going to edit them myself for awhile. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story
9012305
Yeah was happy to see it updated.
9012366
I'm actually working on the next chapter now, and it's currently over 1k words.
Nice to know that this story is getting a redone, It had to much potential.
Keep up the great work!
Favorited and in waiting.
9024455
Thanks for the fave, and I'm also glad I decided to reboot the story and make this.
More please
Looking forward to.see this continued