Hello, We are twins who love MLP and wish to start creating fan made stories
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After a terrible mistake, Silver Watch has been forced to travel existence fulfilling his job as the Traverser. Its been more than two thousand years since the start of his journey and it has finally brought him to the magical world of Equestria. Will this new pony find it in himself to trust in friendship once more, or will his curse as the Traverser spell doom for all of Equesria. Only time and a certain Princess of the night can tell.
Art by Little Tigress
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9078775
I see, how do you feel it was used in this situation? And what other thoughts do you have overall?
9078775
And can you please explain what you mean by bad message?
9078844
I think I understand what you mean and your right. I think that I was inspired at the time to start the story like this, but as I continue to write I will use your advice to the best! Please keep reading and I feel like you will enjoy future chapters more. Thanks for the honesty!
I like the it.
After reading first chapter. It is obvious that you have a formidable story to tell, the premise of this universe, or in this case, multiverse, provides a great number of ways you can take this.
Critique time! The first half of chapter is in need of a serious editorial combing, but it actually cleans itself up fairly well moving into the last half.
The pacing is very fast, I hardly was wrapping myself around the greeting and we are already meeting with shadow creatures from beyond the realm.
I never knew what his flabby body looked like before he got "Toned," we never saw his room before it was occupied by a shadow ghoost, and we never saw his beautiful home before it was a crater. I like the story, but I didn't ever get the scenery painted for me when we were talking with the characters.
The narrator skips were actually altogether a good touch to the story, and helped move the character through the early days of our story, though they were a touch jarring in the first half, a bit of winding into and out of your dialogue scenes would greatly help.
Looking forward to reading more.
-Firemuffin
P.S.
"Before me was a dark figure with piercing white eyes"?
"a voice that made me shudder when he actually began to speak."
"He appeared to be wearing a cloak, but the only things I could make out"
9078963
Wonderful! I appreciate the critique and feel like you actually enjoyed the experience. I understand what you mean with the shaky beginning, but like you said with the later chapters, I think I'm starting to get a grip on the style and fleshing out of the characters. I'm going to work hard to help with what you have said. I'm also looking for editors to help. Thank you so much!
The revisions are fantastic and really did go leaps and bounds to remedy the weaker fronts of your introduction to the story. I love the new details that I learned of the Silence, and the reactions of our protagonist feel much more justified with the fresh context. Very good job, 10/10.
-Firemuffin
This is a very excellent story wonder will be a sequel????
92897
I'd say the odds are very good! Just give a little time. I'm finishing college so I'm busy busy busy. Thank you for the comment!
Wow... Just, wow... this was a very interesting story and I have enjoyed reading it. I hope there’s a sequel
pretty please!
9311195
Definitely look forward to more adventures! Thanks for the read and glad you enjoyed it!