Episode 7: Big Macinpain
As you and Big Mac continue to stare each other down, there is only one logical conclusion that you can come to solve this peacefully. You decide to...
Act like this is the most boring, most mundane task in the world. Just keep walking.
Put on your 'bored out of your mind' face and begin to walk forward like this is the most mundane task in the world. You walk slowly as to not startle Big Mac, and you make sure to keep your face set in bored mode as best you can. As you are walking you continually think in your head,
Just keep walking, just keep walking. Ignore the big stallion and just keep swim-walking.
You manage to walk past a stunned Big Mac and get a decent couple of feet away from the pony, until he apparently snaps out of it and yells out to your retreating form,
"Wait consarnit! Where are ya'll taking mah sister!?"
You contemplate ignoring the big guy, but decide against it since you have no clue as to how he'd react if you did. Well...you figured he'd try to kill you, but you didn't want to think too much on it. So instead you simply sigh before turning around to face him.
He doesn't appear angry, just confused. You thank the heavens for that as you really don't want to have to deal with an angry stallion. Injured or not he'd be able to do some damage to you.
Now how exactly can I communicate with him? Can't exactly beat box while I'm holding AJ. Maybe I can...
Completely oblivious to the obvious idea of simply setting Applejack down to perform your beat boxing skills, you instead have a completely rational and logical idea. You give Big Mac a look as you...
Answer his question in the form of a interpretative dance.
Proceed to perform a number of confusing, and downright strange, dance moves. You incorporate Applejack into your performance, using her sleeping figure to perform some form of tango...or is it some other dance? It honestly looks like you’re having a spaz attack while at the same time trying to court Applejack’s snoozing form.
To be honest folks, no cosmic force in the universe knows what in God’s name you are doing. It's just very...interpretative I guess?
Anyway moving on, a few minutes pass of this before you place Applejack back on your back and bow, breathing heavily the entire time as you give him a look.
Ha! My awesome interpretative dance moves clearly show how I just want to put AJ to bed so she can get some rest! Take that dance class of snobs for thinking I'd never be able to pull it off! My interpretative skills are just as good as my beat boxing/dance skills!
Of course as you’re thinking all this you don't notice how Big Mac's once confused look somehow managed to get even more confused. In fact it looks like Big Mac just experienced Pinkie Pie's...Pinkieness for the first time, only ten times over. This is only proven even more when Big Mac lets out a simple "Wha..." for a good solid couple of seconds.
Big Mac's 'Wha' snaps you out of your thoughts, and causes you to lift from your bow.
Well I guess some ponies aren't just that knowledgeable in the art of interpretive dance. What can I do to explain to Big Mac what's going on without looking like I'm kidnapping his sister for some evil scheme? Which makes no sense since she's neither a princess and there's no plumber around for me to torment with 8 worlds.
As you ponder, Big Mac comes down from his confusion, and indignation reappears.
"Alright creature! Enough of this silly business! What are ya doing with mah sister!?"
You would have been surprised at how many words Big Mac said, but you were too busy gulping in fear at the fire in his eyes to really dwell on the thought.
Oh crap he's getting mad! Come on brain, think of something before he starts charging!
You focus all your mind’s power into thinking of a solution, and when you finally come up with one...you facepalm from shear stupidty.
Oh son of a-am I really that stupid!? It's always the obvious solution that I ignore or don't follow!
With that thought you...
BrownDog's Comment
Act calm and rational for a change. You set the pony down on the ground slowly and gently, making sure you don’t spook the red stallion.
He's injured, just like me. The last thing we want is to get hurt more. We can all be rational here.
He follows your movements, never taking his eyes off you.
“Alright monster, what exactly are you doing with her?”
You calmly pull your pad and paper from your Poncho and sketch a bed, hold it out to him, then you point at yourself, then to AJ, then tap the picture.
I was just going to lie her down for a nap big guy. No need to be upse-
"Ya'll was trying to take mah sister to bed?!!!" he shouts in teeth clenched outrage, a fire burning in his eyes.
WHAT?! NO, NO! Not like that! What is up with you ponies?! I'm not some sort of weird sex pervert!!! you wave frantically trying to get him off that train of thought.
Of course the minute you think that...
Denneylaw's Comment
"Big Mac? I heard shouting, are you alri-*gasp*!"
You and Big Mac both look towards the source of the voice...and you immediately grip your heart as it starts to beat crazily. For there before you in all her adorableness is Applebloom, and the look she has on her face is just increasing her adorableness.
Oh god I'm gonna die from adorable overload! She's just so-gahhhh! I see the light, it’s full of adorable kittens and rabbits! I'm coming Mr. Whiskers!
As you are having your little adorable induced panic attack Applebloom looks between you, her sister, and Big Mac for a few seconds before she gets a determined look and shouts.
"Hey, you monster!! Leave mah family alone!!!"
She then adorably charges at you, much to Big Mac's surprise, and proceeds to kick you with her hooves over and over again. However you are still too blinded in adorableness induced shock.
Oh there is so many fluffy things here! Is this adorable heaven!? I think my heart is about to bur-is something hitting my leg?
You snap out of your adorable induced shock as you look down to investigate....only to go into adorable cardiac arrest at the sight of Applebloom trying and failing to hurt you.
"Take that you no good varmint! I won't let ya hurt mah sister!"
“HRK!”
And now both your hands are clutching your heart as you fall over right on top of Applejack. Applebloom looks at you in shock before looking at her hooves.
"Ah guess I'm stronger then Ah thought. Did ya see that Big Mac?!"
Meanwhile you are lost in cuteness overload land.
Nothing can ruin this adorable high I am on right now. NOTHING! If I died right now I’d-Why does my mouth feel wet and salty?
You open your eyes to find your lips locked with the unconscious Applejack after having fell on her.
“Big Mac! What’s it doing to Applejack?!” Applebloom’s shocked voice rings out, followed by a very angry snort.
OH GOD! NOT AGAIN!!! you jump up and begin to spit as you start eating handfuls of dirt again.
WHAT THE HELL?! I GOT KISSED BY A PONY...AGAIN! Ew Ew Ew Ew! I’m gonna get tetanus or something!
Eventually, after a good couple handfuls of dirt, you calm down enough to look over at Big Mac and Applebloom. While Applebloom seems sort of curious about your dirt eating habits, Big Mac on the other hand has a look of righteous fury.
I didn’t meant to do that, I swear! Better do something fast before he murders me.
You…
Jaro45's Comment
Allstar13521's Comment
Hold up your hands before reaching into your poncho and pulling out the empty beer bottle (You’re no litterer) and rolling it over to him. He looks at in confusion before he begins to inspect it. When he sniffs it, his eyes widen in realization before he gains a blank look and suddenly covers Appleblooms ears.
"Hey Big Mac! What's the deal!?"
He ignores his sisters squirming as he stares at you.
"Are ya telling me...mah sister is drunk?"
Finally! communication works without a misunderstanding happening! You nod enthusiastically.
Big Mac keeps his stoic look as he asks,
"And you, knowing that she was drunk, was still going to take her to her bed?"
You pale considerably at his phrasing.
Ehehehe...looks like I thought too soon on the whole 'no misunderstanding thing.' Maybe showing the bottle was a bad idea.
You give a hesitant nod, to which Big Mac responds by…
Greatness942's Comment
Putting Applebloom off to the side and then rushing forward and bucking you, sending you flying across the ground. In pain, Big Mac clutches his ribs, and as you count stars, you realize something. Well...you also wonder how you survived being bucked by a fully grown stallion even if he’s the size of Great Bernard, but you mostly realize something.
Hold on...I have more Joseph Joestar than "Your next line is-" quotes. I have more Skeletor than "NYEH!" So...combine the cleverness of the former with the evil of the latter.
With an evil grin, you stand up and turn to Big Mac, before positioning yourself in front of a still full apple tree. You then provoke him by lifting your mahagonay cane in front of you and start doing the can can whilst trying to beat box the tune.
Big Mac, in a protective fury, growls and uses the last of his strength to propel himself at you. At the last second, you make a decent leap and grab a branch, hoisting you up above Big Mac. Before he can even react, he smacks into the tree and falls over, causing all of the apples to smack into him. You briefly consider also landing on him, but think against it as you instead let go and fall on the soft ground.
Haha! Eat your hearts out, realistic self-insert fan-fiction OC’s. In real life, you use your smarts to-
"Big Mac!"
Your thoughts are interrupted by the distressed cries of Applebloom. Who rushes over to her brother, and you notice the tears starting to fall from her face.
All amount of pride at your accomplishment is immediately replaced with guilt.
And I just made an adorable filly cry. Way to go jackass!
Giving a distressed sigh you kneel down next to the sad filly and her brother. This causes her to tense as she gets in front of her brother defensively.
"Ba-back off ya monster! Ah won't let you hurt mah family no more! Ya-ya hear me?!"
You would have found this adorable if it weren't for the fact she was shaking like a leaf the entire time she said that.
Dear lord I don't think I've ever felt like such a jackass before in my entire life! I guess the Apples are now on the list of ponies I need to apologize to and try and make up to them, you wallow as the guilt stabs through you.
You draw on your notepad Big Mac’s cutiemark, followed by a bunch of zzz’s, then an equal sign and a medical cross.
She raises a brow at this.
“Y-Ya want to get them some medicine?”
You give her a close enough hand wave as you kneel down and draw the peace symbol on the paper.
She still seems nervous, so you slowly put your hand out to calm the filly down by patting her head. This surprisingly works as she sighs and leans into it like a puppy would.
"You...you’re not gonna hurt mah brother and sister no more?"
You smile your best comforting smile as you draw a picture of Applejack and Big Mac's cutie marks with an arrow pointing to the farm house. Applebloom looks at the note for a few seconds before nodding in understanding.
"Ya want to bring them back to the farm? Is that what ya mean?"
You nod your head again as you try to pick Big Mac up. It takes all your willpower, but you somehow manage to do it. He's a lot heavier then Applejack, and your lack of muscle doesn't make carrying him easier. Plus your back is screaming at you to stop, so you have to put him down.
Applebloom looks at you in confusion, before seemingly realizing your plight.
"Ah guess Big Mac might be a tiny bit too heavy for ya mister. But how are we gonna get mah sister and him back if you can't carry em?"
You think on this for a bit, before snapping your fingers as you figure out a plan. You draw a wagon and show it to the little filly, before then pointing at Big Mac and Applejack. Applebloom smiles and nods her head in understanding before rushing off.
A few seconds later she's back with a empty wagon. You can't stop yourself from patting her head in appreciation.
Sweet, now I won't break my back! Hopefully things go easy now with the wagon.
With that thought you load the two unconscious ponies onto the wagon, and both you and Applebloom start to head back to the farmhouse. While doing so you try to have some small talk with Applebloom, but it eventually breaks down to you playing 'guess the picture' with the young filly.
Which you don't mind, considering just how dang adorable she is.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
As you and Applebloom get to the farm, you unload both apple siblings from the wagon. Figuring that Applejack was the main priority you pick her up and head into the house with Applebloom. As you both enter Applebloom shouts out,
"Granny I'm back! And ah brought a friend!"
After her announcement you see good old Granny Smith come out from what you assume was the kitchen. She has a kind elderly smile on her face.
"Nice to see ya got your chores down early little one. Now how about some apple pi-WHAT IN TARNATION?!" she shouts causing you to wince.
Geeze for old pony she sure does have a pair of lungs.
Granny Smith continues to look at you in shock, before coughing into her hoof before she says,
"Ah sorry about that sonny. Your...uh...appearance just gave my old bones a little shock is all. Now mind telling me why mah granddaughter is sleeping on yer back?"
Well this is a first, you sputter in surprise, a pony being reasonable. Well better no look a gift horse in the mouth. Literally.
With that you set Applejack down on a nearby couch, before pulling out your notepad and drawing...
Kersey475's Comment
A jug with "xxx" on it (universal sign for moonshine) next to a plus sign with Applejack then equal sign with Zzzzzzzz.
Applebloom cocks her head before she asks,
“You was all playing tic tac toe and she fell asleep from being thirsty?”
Before you can shake your head, Granny chuckles nervously.
“Um, why don’t you go get that pie out of the oven would you Bloom, I’ll talk to yer “Friend” here.”
“Yeah alright, but don’t keep him too long. Big Mac’s still out in the wagon after he hit his noggin trying to pummel him,” she says as she walks into the kitchen.
The old mare gives you an inquisitive glance as you chuckle and rub the back of your neck.
Do ponies seriously not have a filter on their phrasing?
Once Applebloom is gone though, the old mare gives you an incredulous look.
“So yer saying my granddaughter went and tick a nip of the good stuff and passed out from it?”
Oh wow she’s perceptive.
As you nod she snorts and shakes her head.
“Not that I’m calling you a liar or anything, whatever it is you are, but that don’t sound like Applejack. She knows better than to drink in the middle of the day. Especially since it’s Applebuck season, she needs all the strength she can get since Big Mac went and injured himself.” She gets closer to Applejack and sniffs before wrinkling her nose.
“Are ya sure that’s what happened?”
You shrug as if to say you found her like that and she just sighs.
“Well whatever happened, I’m just glad she’s finally taking a rest. Poor child has been running herself ragged. I’d help if my hip would let me, and Applebloom is still too little.”
Letting out another sigh she looks back up at you.
“Well don’t stand there gawking mystery creature. Applejack talked about you staying in town and all. Make yourself useful and go get my Grandson and bring him inside. We’ll talk more over lunch.”
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Kazuma Michishige's Comment
We now find you sitting at the table with the Apples, eating pie with them. Applebloom is to your left with an apologetic looking Big Mac to your right. At the head of the table is Granny Smith, and Applejack is upstairs taking a well deserved (read: forced) nap.
Now the reason Big Mac seems so apologetic is that after he woke up he tried to will his ribs to heal out of sheer determination so he could pummel you five ways to next week, but after Granny Smith dragged him off by the ear and had a...uh talk with him he seemed to calm down.
Needless to say, you are terrified of whatever Granny did to Big Mac and do not what to be on the receiving end of whatever it was. But now that you think about he is sitting pretty awkwardly...nah you’re just imagining things.
Anyway, as you eat your pie you only have one thing on your mind.
I really thought this would taste better, You think sourly, All of my expectations from reading fanfiction has been destroyed. I mean it’s not bad, but it’s not substantial. It’s about the same as the ones you get at a Walmart. You take another bite, weeping inside at your tragic situation.
"Hey, Ahm sorry about earlier,” Big Mac interrupts your inner turmoil after clearing his throat.
You nod and give him a thumbs up, which he looks at strangely. You realize your mistake and go to brofist (hoof?) him, and he understands you and his hoof meets your fist.
Eeee! My first brohoof! You squee excitedly.
This monumental moment is utterly ruined by Twilight Sparkle as she bursts through the door.
“Applejack! Where are you? Have you seen…Skeletor?”
Twilight looks in confusion at you sitting (or rather kneeling) at the Apple family dinner table with all of AJ’s family.
“Well howdy Twilight, whatcha doin here? Applejack’s upstairs sleeping. And Who’s Skeletor?” asks Applebloom obliviously.
“She’s asleep?” Twilight says in surprise before she sighs out in relief. Her face then becomes serious and sour again though as she says,
“And to answer your question, HE’s Skeletor, and he’s supposed to be under the eyes of either myself, or a pair of guards, but he ran off.”
She then walks up to the table and glares at you.
“Pinkie told me you were psychic because you knew her muffins were contaminated and saved her. If that’s true, then I’ll definitely want to run more tests, but she also told me you willingly gave them to the guards. Did you?!”
Ummm…
“And a couple ponies in town saw you with a bottle of some sort of alcohol. Who gave that to you? We have no idea what effects it could have on your alien system.”
Granny raises an eyebrow at you after hearing that.
Aw Crap. Stupid nosey ponies not minding their own business.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
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Blame it on beastman. Its always beastmans fault!! Somehow. or tell her aj asked you to get her a drink. If shes drunk enough, maybe she wont remember and wont call you out for lyin. If all else fails, claim ignorance. Say you didnt know what it was and you were both drunk.
Also for most adorable either fluttershy, cmc, or just about anything from mlp.
Say a prayer to Finagle, and his mad prophet Murphy.
Hope that THIS TIME your dance skillz (with a Z) are up to the task of explaining.
When it all goes pear shaped, run like Hell to Pinkie's.
Last resort: "Hey! Look over there!" Promptly hide.
I Have No Mouth, and I Must Squee. Well at least pony kind is extinct except for five of them and then they are tortured by a computer A.I. for centuries. (Yes, this is a reference to the original short story and video game I have no mouth and I must scream. Trust me, fuck up is an inadequate way to describe it).
Most adorable thing I've seen? Them little changeling grubs. And changelings in general.
Well, since Twilight now (barely) believes that you're psychic, you decide that honesty is the best policy and tell the truth.
You whip out your notepad and proceed to draw a series of pictures describing what happened. You show yourself with lines to indicate you seeing a vision of an overworked Applejack via showing her bucking with a bunch of zzzs above her head crossed out, and then and equal sign next to a drawing showing Ponyville on fire.
You then draw you getting the idea to give Applejack a bottle, and then draw you doing so and her drinking too much and passing out. This entire process takes you several minutes before you finish and hand it to Twilight, making sure you have everything numbered in a chronological order, even if she can't read your numbers, she should be able to understand what you mean.
She takes the pad from you, and you flex your sore hand.
I really hope I can get a better form of communication soon. You think. My poor hand is suffering.
Twilight finishes looking through your drawings and gives the pad back to you. "So let me see if I understand this," she starts.
"You had a vision of Applejack overworking herself,"
You nod.
"Which would have resulted a disaster in Ponyville,"
Another nod.
"So you decided that you would give her alcohol, and she drank enough that she passed out."
You nod thirdly.
Twilight sighs and rubs her head, "Why didn't you just tell me? Or any of Applejack's friends?"
You proceed to glare at Twilight.
She looks confused before she manages to remember, "Wait, that seizure you had earlier, was that your vision?"
You nod a fourth time. Your neck is getting weary of nodding.
She has the decency to look embarrassed, "Oh, um, sorry?"
Before you manage to get anything else done, you hear scrabbling from upstairs and suddenly Applejack bursts into the room. She has a rather wild look in her eye.
Huh. Guess her tolerance is better that I thought.
8344393
I can't thank of something adorable that I saw so I'm just gona say a kitten
----------------
As you lock eyes with apple jack you stand up look to the door then to the others in the room this might be your only chance to do this ever since you saw Futurama you always wanted to do it you even practiced it all you needed was the right moment ,
You could finely pull off a zoidburg escape with the wooping (at least in your head )and they would be further stunned by what you did and get far away before AJ hurt you .
As you scuttle away you hear twilight calling out for you you can't hear what she's saying but it sounds kinda like "keep running " or something like that you guessed AJ was after you,
after a moment from the corner of your eye
You see a blue blur and know your gona eat more dirt soon as a second later rainbow crashed into you yet again .
Cutest thing ever: My cat, Lil' Bit. He's adorable.
After leaving the Farm (apparently by running away. Classic Joseph.), you end up lost in the center of town, the only real landmark being that Twilight's library is right in front of you. "Skeletor, get back here! We need to test your psychic abilities!" is heard behind you, and you have no idea what to do.
Come on, Skeletor Joestar! Think...
Right in front of you, which is to the right of the door, is a cardboard box that apparently was discarded during the moving process. With a grin, you walk over and crouch, picking up the box, before covering yourself with it.
Yep, if it can work with the clone of the greatest soldier alive, Solid Snake, it can work for me.
Twilight runs up to the library and looks around. Miraculously, she can't see you. In fact, she doesn't even glance at the box before sighing and walking into the library, where you hear her say "Spike, the creature's gone missing. We're going to need to look for him. If we can't find him, I need you to take a note."
"Okay, Twilight," Spike replies, "But do I have to go ahead and grab some parchment? He can't be too far off."
"The book I was reading earlier had an entry on something very similar to his kind, Spike." Twilight responded, "If this one's anything like the one I found in the book, there could be trouble and chaos spread throughout the land!"
Wait, someone like me's been here? And they're in a mysterious book...oh yeah! Maybe I should check that out soon...hmm...
The Joestar cleverness acts up again in your head.
She probably won't invite something like me to the Grand Galloping Gala...maybe I should check this book out while she's gone! Yes. That way, she won't be suspicious and I can figure out what's going on. Right now though, it's box time.
Put on the most unimpressed face you can and try to convey "you're not my mum" with pictures, realise she won't get it, crumple it up and remind her to teach you how to read. The look of insulted frustration is very important to sell the deal.
Say you gave the guards the cupcakes because you thought it'd be easier than waiting for everyone else to get sick and you didn't want Pinkie to be sick as well.
If at all possible explain to Granny Smith that you can't read and therefore didn't realise it was alcohol until Applejack passed out then apologise about lying because you thought it'd be awkward to explain.
If anyone has an incredible misunderstanding again be sure to trust in the facedesk to express your frustration.(Slam face into table, repeat optional).
PS: When things get violent, use table as a shield and exit through window. This will be unpopular with others but being dead/in hospital is unpopular with me.
Hmm, I think the most adorable thing I have ever seen was a friend of mines baby sleeping with a puppy and kitten on either side of him with the dogs leg slightly kicking as if he was in a dream and the kitten was slightly purring as she rubbed against the baby's back as the baby had his thumb in his mouth which was being sucked on.
I'd show you a photo but unfortunately I lost the pic and cannot recover it as it was from an old camera and not a IPhone or whatever.
I lost it when I moved house.
Anyway, I had have no idea on what to add or could be helpful to Skeletor in his problem with communication other than his constant use of pictionary as a way of convaying his thoughts and speech.
It would be fun though if Twilight could magic up a special pen that would animate his drawings so that he would need less pages to write on.
8344790
When Twilight goes out, you walk right into the library to look for that book.
Alright, if I was an obsessive Bookworm who's researching a new species, where would I read it?
You look up the stairs.
Bingo.
Walking upstairs, you find a lot of books around Twilight's bed.
Great, that's a lot of books to look through. I hope they have pictures.
You then proceed to search the books around the tiny little bed. That fact still gets to you about just how tiny everything is. Heck, your head almost hits the roof any many of the houses you've entered.
I know the show was called my little Pony, but I figured they'd at least be pony sized. I'm like the height of Iron Will or even Discord. Although there are still Kaiju Bears and literal Godzilla sized dragons out there, but still...
You then start looking through the different books at all the pictures, because the alien language still looks like gobbledegook. Just trying to figure things out hurts your eyes, and the only symbols you can identify are punctuation based.
Eventually you do find an older looking book, and it even has a bookmark. Flipping through it, you find an old sketch. It looks like a child's drawing, but next to a poorly drawn pony is something that might be a human with a smiley face. It has some sort of blue overalls with a heart on it, and has a yellow ponytail with a bow in it.
Wait, is that the girl from the original series? Megan or something? But that doesn't make sense, that was a different universe, and Luna said she and Celestia took down Grogar.
But before you can think too much on this, you hear a gasp and the cluttering of items falling to the floor.
Turning around you see Spike, staring up at you sitting on Twilight's bed, with fear in his eyes.
"Y-You're that thing Twilight and the girls have been talking about..."