Episode 5: Screw You Guys. I'm Going to Pinkie's Home.
As your staring contest with Pinkie continues to go on, you notice something about the pink pony. You see..
BrownDog's Comment
That there is still a bump on her forehead where you accidentally hit her with the Havoc Staff.
Oh geeze, and that was a week ago. How hard did I hit you? You think in guilt. Pinkie notices where your eyes are looking and just gives you a smile.
"Oh don't worry about it, It doesn't hurt anymore," she waves off, but you shake your head and give her a big hug which she cheerfully accepts.
"I accept your apology. But if you really want to make it up to me, you'll teach me your awesome dance and beatboxing moves."
You nod your head in the affirmative as she lets you back up and you look out the open door.
You see the rest of the mane six looking at you. Well...to be more accurate half of them are glaring at you while the other half are eyeing you suspiciously. No surprise but its Applejack and Rainbow doing the glaring, while the other three are looking at you suspiciously/fearfully.
Well...you think Fluttershy is looking at you suspiciously. It's kinda hard to tell considering she's hiding behind both her mane and Twilight, so maybe she’s only looking at you in the fear aspect. You can’t tell.
Still, way to make a guy feel welcomed. Totally doesn't make me feel like an outcast at all. Geeze I wonder if this is how Zecora feels.
Pinkie seems to notice your distressed look as she nudges you slightly. You look at her as she gets a huge grin on her face.
"Hey no need for that upside down smile Skelly! They’re all just a teensy eensy bit grumpy at you for the whole 'knocking me out and helping Nightmare Moon' thing. Trust me they'll be over it in a week and then we can be the bestest of friends!"
While you lack Pinkies optimism, you can't help but smile at the fact that she's trying to reassure you.
I hope you’re right Pinkie, because I might actually die if I ever see Fluttershy angry at me again. No one that adorable should look that intimidating. And don’t get me started if she actually uses The Stare.
Shuddering at that thought, you nod and take a step outside…
TheForsakenOne's Comment
Only to step on a very sharp rock. Unpaved dirt roads are full of sharp painful rocks that might not give equine’s trouble, but will put your feet through hell.
Letting out a silent yelp of pain. You drop your cane and begin to bounce around on your other leg while holding your foot in pain. However as you bounce you somehow manage to land onto a even sharper rock.
This causes your eyes to water as you start to jump from one foot to the other. You haven’t even made it out the front door of the hospital, and you’re already reinjuring yourself. Even the guards chuckle at your display of pain.
Oh sure, you’re robots until pain’s involved. Freaking masochists!
“Are you alright Skeletor?” asks Pinkie in concern while the other Elements look at you in confusion.
Yeah. No.
You pick up your cane and limp back inside the hospital, shutting the door on the Elements.
“Well that was rude. Why’d you do that?” Pinkie asks you.
You lift your foot and point to the sore and red bottom’s of your feet.
“Oof. Your hooves are weird looking, and soft. You need some shoes.”
You nod at this as you walk over to the nervous looking nurse behind the front desk and mime that you need at least two rolls of gauze. With the help of your notepad the nurse gives you the gauze. You nod in thanks before walking over to a nearby magazine rack.
Okay, I either need a really thick one or one that's super old. Either way, no one will care. Nobody actually likes waiting room magazines.
You find two of the newest crisp ones, that showcase the Elements of Harmony...and proceed to rip the magazines to shreds into the shape of your feet. The guards and Pinkie are surprised by this action, but you ignore them as you hold the faux shoe sole to the bottom of your feet and wrap a shit ton of gauze around them.
Looking down at your handy work you smile as a certain Zelda tune plays in your head as you think,
Tadah! Skeletor has received HOBO SHOES! They may look rushed and bad, but they’re comfortable so I can't complain.
Nodding at your latest achievement you look over to the surprised ponies and chuckle nervously as you try to explain what you just did. But before you could a loud rumble comes from your stomach. You hold your hands over it in embarrassment as you think,
Geeze could that have been any louder!? I guess not eating for almost a week can stir up an appetite. If only I could...grab...a bite...
Your thoughts leave you as your eyes wonder back to the pink puffball of joy that is Pinkie Pie. You swear you hear a light bulb go off.
BrownDog's Comment
I'm now with the Pink Party Pony. There is only one reasonable thing to do that can quell my hunger.
Drawing on your notebook, you sketch a cake and her eyes light up.
"OH My Gosh! How'd you know I work in a bakery?"
Tensing up, you smile as you tap your nose then her mane.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense. Alright Skeletor, let's go get you some cake!" she yells as she rushes you outside, right past Twilight and the rest who were just opening the door.
“Pinkie Pie, why did that thing-Whoa!” she shrieks as you are all but dragged past them and outside.
Before anyone even has a chance to speak, Pinkie throws you onto her party wagon and speeds you away, your Guard Escorts and the rest of the Elements shouting in surprise and trying to catch up.
You, meanwhile, just try to lean back while being careful of your back as you enjoy the ride. It's not every day you get to ride in a wagon after all. Of course the universe decides that you were being too comfortable as suddenly Pinkie comes to an abrupt stop. This causes you to go flying forward and face plant in the back of the cart.
Why me? You groan
You slowly get up as you see the reason why Pinkie just stopped. Both her ears are flopping and her right eye is twitching.
Ah...must be a Pinkie Sense thing. No twitchy tail so I guess we're safe, you smile over getting to see it firsthand.
Before you could continue your thoughts Pinkie suddenly lets out a dramatic gasp.
"Oh no! Two floppy ears and a right eye twitch! Somepony is planning a surprise glomp and it’s not me. NOT ON MY WATCH!"
With that said the Pinkie then starts trotting at a reasonable speed, the whole while looking around at full alertness.
“Don’t worry Skeletor. No one will get the drop on me? No matter how suspicious everypony is looking at you.”
Greatness942's Comment
Looking around, you do indeed see many ponies gawking, but despite some odd looks, no one seems too hostile. If anything, their jaws are dropping out of sheer bafflement. Whether that's because of you or Pinkie scrutinizing them remains unknown to you.
And wait, she said there was going to be a surprise glomp? Who else besides Pinkie even does that? God, I hope that doesn't mean Lyra's human fascination is canon. That's the last thing I need to worry about right now
And right on cue, you hear a high pitched "SQUEE" as said light aquamarine pony suddenly smacks into you, sprawling you onto the bottom of the cart again.
That’s three times already! Ouch!
"Oh my Celestia, I was right! Your kind does exist! Take that skeptics!" she excitedly says. "I'm Lyra Heartstrings! I can't believe this is really happening!"
You just stare at the pony with a deadpanned look as you 'say,'
Yeah...me neither.
Before Lyra can say anything else she is suddenly shoved aside as Pinkie comes into view.
“Dang it! I left my guard down for one shiny bit on the ground and this happens!” she grumbles. Her mane is a bit more fuzzy than normal like she’s frustrated.
“Oh, I’m sorry Pinkie Pie, it’s just that how can you not get excited over a myth becoming reality. He could be the missing link between cows and minotaurs!”
“Even so, gotta watch the injuries Lyra,” Pinkie admonishes before smiling. “I kind of did the same thing earlier,” they both giggle before they both start chatting wildly.
You take Pinkie's sudden mood swing as your que to get up from Lyra's tackle.
Freaking ponies. I’m just glad they’re not the size of actual ponies, or else I’d be dead.
Leaning on your mahogany cane you focus in on the tail end of their conversation.
"Yep! I'm taking Skeletor here back to Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Some stuff happened, and so he's...uh...under house arrest?"
"House arrest? ...Oh, right, rare creatures and all! But then, why not take this...I don't know what to call you. Missing Link? Why not take it to Fluttershy?"
"Well we found him in a weird place, and Fluttershy might not like seeing him at this point. He kind of spooked and upset her."
Oh Come On!
“And we call him Skeletor because that’s his name silly.”
“Wait, Skeletor? It…He can talk?”
“Oh no he can’t. He’s a pretty good dancer though.”
“Huh?” Lyra asks dumbfounded.
“And anyway, I’d like to tell you more, but this big guy is really hungry. He hasn’t eaten in a literal week, and the only cure is cake!”
And with that, Lyra's eyebrow raises in confusion, but she still nods and walks off, saying farewell to both of you.
“Well alright then. But still he is quite amazing. I have to tell Moondancer, Minuette and the rest of the gals back in Canterlot about this. The research possibilities are endless!”
“Okie Dokie Loki,” Pinkie waves happily.
But wait a minute what did she mean by rese-Whoa!
Before you can have a chance to even think about this little encounter, you suddenly find yourself being pulled at a ridiculous speed again. Sighing at this and just chalking it up to Ponyville weirdness you decide to let it go. But there is one thought at the back of your mind that you can't ignore.
If Lyra's obsession is Canon...then what else is?
For some reason that thought fills you with anticipation, and you can't decide if that's a good thing or not.
A FEW MINUTES LATER
A short while later finds you and Pinkie finally arriving at Sugarcube Corner. Staring at the gingerbread building causes you to drool slightly.
Oooohhhh....I wonder if the building is made of actual gingerbread. If it is, I might need a new place to sleep at...and a lawyer to deal with charges.
Pinkie, surprisingly, doesn't say anything at your awed face. Instead she just giggles and starts to bounce towards the building. As you reach it you are surprised to see the mare Royal Guardspony from the hospital standing out front, panting.
Huh? How in the world did she beat us here!? That doesn't make any sense!
“Oh hi there guard mare. Wow you’ve got great legs if you beat us back.”
The mare just wipes sweat from her brow and points to her horn.
“Teleport. Did it too quickly,” she shakes her head and gives you and Pinkie a glare.
Oh she seems upset we left her in the dust and is going to give a lecture. Okay, let's do this. Your next line is going to be "Pinkie Pie, oh great Goddess of Pink, what is this attractive monkey you've brought before me?!
"Ms. Pinkie Pie. Your Highness, Princess Celestia has sent me as the Guard who will watch over this...creature while he...I think, stays here. I am Captain Alabaster Foxtrot. Please do not run off like that again."
...My version was better. NYEH! Also now you decide to introduce yourself!? I couldn’t even get you to acknowledge my presence unless I was in pain. It’s because she's a pony isn't it? I'd ought to report you to Sunbutt for racism…or is that speciesism?
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was just so excited to show him where he was staying. Besides he’s not dangerous.”
“I’m taken to understand he personally rendered you unconscious,” she shoots back. You scowl at this which she notices.
“Oh don’t worry about that. It’s all water on the duck’s bridge. He won’t harm anypony else.”
"It better not,” she glares at you glaring at her. “Buddy, I can knock your flank six ways from Hearth's Warming! Don’t run off again and be thankful I have my orders."
Snooty Bitch, you growl as you flip her the bird, but since the predominant species on this planet is equine…
“I’m guessing that means you understand?” she asks.
Yeah sure, let’s go with that, you smile vindictively as you wave your middle finger back and forth in front of her face, and she actually looks a bit relieved.
“Very well. Ms. Pie, you may resume your plans. I will remain here and wait for the others.”
“Oki doki Loki!” Pinkie chirps and grabs you by the middle finger and pulls you inside.
Better watch your attitude Foxtrot, or you’ll make the list…Speaking of, I should probably make a list at some poi-
“EEEEEEE!!!!”
BrownDog's Comment
Some of the patrons are freaked out by your appearance, and some scream and rush out the door.
Speciests! You wave after them with your cane.
“Don’t worry anypony!” Pinkie declares. “This is my friend Skeletor. He isn’t going to hurt anypony. In fact he hasn’t hurt a single pony…since the first time he knocked me out.”
You facepalm at this as that only serves to make the patrons seem even more weary.
Ignoring the atmosphere, Pinkie hops over to Mr. and Mrs. Cake.
Oh wow, her hair actually does look like frosting, you think as your stomach growls. Since you’re looking right at her, she and a few other ponies rightly feel even more nervous.
“Mr. and Mrs. Cake, this is Skeletor. And don’t worry, he may be hungry, but I don’t think he eats ponies. Other than him wanting cake, I don’t know what he eats.”
Damn it Pinkie! I love you, but for the love of God, get better at PR! You panic as even more ponies decide to sneak out of the shop.
"Pinkie dear, um...what exactly is that creature you have with you?" Mrs. Cake timidly asks.
"I don’t know. I met him when me and the girls kind of helped save the world and everything. Some claim he’s the missing link for Minotaurs and cows, but we have really no idea. He's gonna be staying with us for awhile."
"He is?" Mr. Cake blanches.
"Yup, and don't worry, I'll take care of him."
"B-Butbut it's more than twice our size, where's it going to sleep?" asks Mrs. Cake.
"In my room, duh. And don't worry Mrs Cake, he's very well behaved, Right Skelly?...Skelly?"
You aren't where she left you, you instead are at the counter shoving miniature muffins into your mouth by the handful.
Oh Wow I'm freaking starving. I guess I really haven't eaten in a week! No wonder Derpy has such a love for them! More! I demand more!
“Skeletor!” Pinkie admonishes and you turn around, your cheeks stuffed like a squirrels.
The cakes give Pinkie a worried glance and she chuckles nervously.
"He'll...behave better. Besides it's royal decree."
The couple look to each other and sigh.
"Well, I guess if that's the case..."
"Great! Come on Skeletor, I want to introduce you to Gummy!" she takes your hand and drags you up the stairs.
But my muffins! you look back forlornly.
You arrive in her room, or rather what you would call an upstairs apartment.
“Welcome to Casa de Pink. Whatcha think huh? Huh?” she bounces giddily. “Over here’s my closet of party supplies. This is my little kitchen for midnight snacks. This is the bathroom, this is…”
She drones on and on showing you practically everything. You even see some of her mentally unstable Party of One friends about the place.
Oh crap. What if that happens when I’m here for that? Will that mess up the friendship lesson? You panic thinking about the future as you are dragged every which way but loose.
ONE PINKIE CHAT LATER
Kazuma Michishige's Comment
After Pinkie has finished introducing you to the contents of her room, and a friendly gum from Gummy.
I feel your pain buddy. Deep complex thoughts that no one can hear.
You manage to get Pinkie's attention and pat your stomach, looking sorrowful as you do so. Pinkie gasps,
"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! I got so excited about showing you around that I forgot about food! We need to fix this pronto!"
She grabs your arm and drags you back downstairs.
As you reach the bottom, you are greeted with the sight of the other Main 6 and the two guards standing at the counter, Twilight talking to the Cakes. Twilight looks ever so slightly frazzled and you see a stray hair standing out from the rest.
They all turn to see you come down, the mares expressions varying from suspicion to fear.
Oh what the hell is this anime cliché bullshit? Nothing happened you stupid mares!
"Pinkie," Twilight says ignoring your glare, "What were you-"
"Sorry Twilight but I have a food emergency to fix right now!" Pinkie blurts out before she runs into the kitchen, and you hear things crashing as she rushes to feed you.
You stand there, your pink friend no longer there to keep the peace. Everything is silent as you all stare.
And stare....
And stare....
And stare....
And stare....
This feels familiar. Well, might as well as break the ice. You cough as loud as you can.
Everyone except the guards jump, and Twilight lets out a small shriek. She immediately covers her hooves with her mouth, her face turning red.
You smile slightly and bow, adding a bit of a flourish as you do so. You add a mental Charisma check as well, praying that the Dice gods are kind to you this day.
Come on Nat 20. Come on Nat 20.
But it seems you failed to beat their DC and your performance seems to not have much effect on them.
I knew I should have multiclassed with Bard. You curse, And maybe put more points into Charisma. But every character I make is Chaotic neutral with Evil leanings! Curse you D&D!
You attempt to salvage this situation by slowly walking over to one of the tables and sitting down in one of the chairs.
The chair creaks before the legs snap and you fall flat on your butt. Thankfully, the chair was only about a foot from the ground since ponies are the size of dogs, so not much was damaged.
Your pride is another thing as you hear giggles emanate from the mares. You sigh and cross your legs and wait for Pinkie to finish with her cooking. You gesture to the other seats inviting them to join you.
The ponies are hesitant at first, but surprisingly the first ones to walk over are Twilight and Fluttershy. Twilight you could understand, but you were a bit shocked by the Pegasus.
Well I guess I am a new type of animal to them. Now if only she’d stop shaking so much.
She sits the furthest from you, as the rest all take seats, with at least three chairs as a buffer.
God it's freshmen year all over again.
But at least in High School, no one just stared at you in awkward silence for long stretches of time.
Okay Fine, Two Can Play At That Game! You pettily stare unblinking at all five of them, and no one breaks the line of site or says a word. As a battle of wills that could surely last thousands of years wages, your mind starts to wander.
SunBro4Life's Comment
I wonder how I could possibly get Twilight to give me the Havoc Staff back? Knowing her and her neurotic ways I doubt she'll give it back less a friendship problem needs it to be solved. And unless Discord comes back sooner than expected, I might not see it for a year, or however long it takes to get to Season 2. Maybe I can sneak into the library while she’s distracted and take it. So what’s most distracting in Season One? Ursa Minor? Parasprites?
Flicking your stare over to Rarity, you see her actually staring horrified at your Hobo Shoes.
Quit Judging Me! Hmm…Maybe I can convince Rarity to make me Skeletor's clothes once I get on her good side. Shouldn't be too hard, just need to kiss up to her and grab some gems. Being a living mannequin is out of the question through, I will not let her put me in a dress!
You then look to Fluttershy who is still nervous, but yet her eyes don’t drop.
Hmm, If I can befriend Fluttershy, then that means I can have access to animals that could do my bidding. I could be the Beast Master as well and ride around on Harry the Bear. And you don’t screw with a guy who rides a bear! Nyeh!
Your nyeh makes her shudder a bit and you close your mouth.
Of course, that could take some time. This is Season 1 Fluttershy after all.
Looking at Rainbow and Applejack, their eyes are steeled on you, just waiting for you to do something stupid.
Ugh. These two hit hard. I wonder if I should start a workout routine while I'm here? I mean I may not be in the Doctor Who universe, but I most likely will be doing a lot of running to avoid being killed by this town’s weekly disaster. Ugh it's going to suck actually working out for once, but Skeletor is ripped, and I must shed my squishy shut in body if I want to be able to take a hit…but then again maybe I don’t have to. Maybe falling off a cliff or being flattened by an Ursa Minor isn’t so bad. I mean this is a cartoon world so it must run on that logic. Though there was how I almost died from blood lo-Why does my head hurt like hell all of a sudden?
Before you can think your brain into exhaustion even more, your mental battle of the century ends as Pinkie suddenly bursts through the kitchen doors with a stack of muffins going all the way to the ceiling, and a triple layered chocolate cake.
Oh sweet mother of all that is pastry goodness! You exclaim as drool just pours out of your mouth.
Pinkie somehow manages to keep the stack from falling as she walks over to the table and puts the two desserts down. She gives you and the others a huge smile as she says,
"Dig in!"
You happily oblige as you soon start to gorge yourself on the tastiness that is these muffins, and spoon giant mouthfuls of the cake in at the same time. You can hear Pinkie giggle while Rarity gags at your display, but you ignore them as you continue to eat. As you do Twilight begins to speak.
“Ugh, I don’t know if this thing is evil or not, but it’s manners are certainly offensive,” Rarity gags. To this you just hold up the bird, which confuses her.
“We think that means it understands you,” Foxtrot says from off to the side.
“Well if he can understand me, can’t he at least listen to my advice?”
You just shake your head as you down a glass of milk Pinkie brought out.
“Well…it’s not uncommon for wild animals to feast so when starved. Just like Pigs at a slop,” Fluttershy lectures.
“Yeah,” Applejack agrees. “Just like Henrietta.”
Did these ponies just compare me to a pig? You think indignantly as chocolate smears your face.
“Well, whatever his habits this Skeletor sure seems to be in better shape,” Twilight notes.
“Yup Yuperooni, though his back still hurts a bit,” Pinkie points out and Twilight winces.
“What’s wrong Twilight?” asks Applejack.
“That’s where I blasted him back at the castle…I suppose I should apologize…”
You are about to nod when Twilight is interrupted.
“Apologize? Why the heck would you do that?” Rainbow Dash asks flabbergasted.
“Rainbow?” Twilight questions and you glare at the speedster.
“He deserved it. He tried to end the world with Nightmare Moon,” Dash exclaims.
“Hey now, I may still be suspicious of this thing, but I did hurt it, and our orders are to-“
“I mean come on guys, he may have Princess Celestia and Pinkie fooled, but this thing is still evil!”
You stop chewing as you look at the Pegasus making a scene.
“Rainbow Dash! That’s a mean thing to say! He’s not evil!” Pinkie Pie defends.
“I saw him pledging his loyalty to Nightmare Moon. He’s still wearing the clothes she gave him!” Rainbow declares as if the others don’t believe her.
“Yeah, but Princess Luna isn’t Nightmare Moon anymore,” Pinkie argues.
“Because we hit her with the Elements. The rainbow didn’t even hit this thing, I know it’s still plotting.”
Oi! I may be plotting, but not in the way you’re thinking!
“If I remember correctly you’re the one who kicked him down the hole Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie says huffily.
“Well yeah but…” she wavers. “He knocked you out Pinkie.”
“Yeah so? It was an accident. I stand by my belief that no living thing with his beatboxing skills can be evil.”
“That doesn’t even make sense you weirdo!” Rainbow groans.
Your eyes widen in panic as the argument seems to be heading towards unwanted territory, and you see the others at a loss of what to say.
That's not good! This could ruin their friendship somehow, and Gilda hasn't even showed up yet! I have got to do something, but what!? Come on think! Think! Think!
Suddenly you get a idea as you...
Mr. Skeletor somehow knocks out Pinkie again, and that does not help the situation.
Quickly pick up a muffin and throw it at Rainbow. However your back twinges and you miss, instead hitting Pinkie right in the snooter.
“AGK! I’ve been hit!” she yells out dramatically as she falls the floor with her tongue hanging out.
What the hell?! You panic as the ponies look from the seemingly unconscious Pinkie on the ground and back to you. B-But how?
All is quiet as the ponies look at you in shock, while the guards look like they’re about to pounce you. However before anything can happen, Pinkie suddenly shoots back up with a pie in her hoof that she didn’t have before, and starts giggling like mad as yells.
"FOOD FIGHT!!!"
The pie in her hoof lands in Rainbow's face.
Three silent heartbeats later, Rainbow starts to laugh herself as she picks up a piece of the chocolate cake and throws it at Pinkie, missing her and hitting Rarity.
“My Mane! My beautiful mane!”
And then All Hell Breaks loose.
As ponies left and right begin to pick up and fire ammo, you managed to flip the table and use it as a shield from the flying pasties. Every now and again, you’ll toss one over, but you’re still hungry and you eat most of your ammo.
Eh, RWBY did it better, you judge as the friends all laugh and have a fun time.
ONE FOOD FIGHT LATER
We now find you in Pinkie's bedroom laying down on a makeshift futon. While you would have preferred a bed, you will admit that the futon is surprisingly comfortable, and large enough for you to not have to scrunch up.
Your little food fight managed to last for a good couple of hours. For a bunch of ponies who don't believe in violence you had to admit they were bloodthirsty in that little battle. You still don't understand where Pinkie got the Gatling gun with apple ammo or how Twilight knew a spell that fired eggs at people, but you decided that it was probably just another thing to jolt under 'pony land logic.'
After a ceasefire was called, Twilight gave her apology for nearly killing you, but she was still suspicious of your actions, even if she wasn’t as forthcoming as Rainbow Dash, who still glared at you after all the merriment had worn off.
The agreement for your residence was discussed, and everyone left to clean themselves.
Since you bravely hid like a coward, your makeshift poncho didn't get a speck of food on it during that entire fight, so no going commando for you. Though you really should get your underwear cleaned after a week of sleeping in them.
After showering in the ponysized bathroom, which wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be, you feel a little better getting the grime off of you.
You don't know if the food fight really got the ponies to be any less hostile towards you, but you know Pinkie definitely seemed to enjoy it, and really that’s all that matters for now. However thinking about the ponies leads you to start thinking of something else. Mainly the canon of the show and its timeline.
Allstar13521's Comment
I need to keep my impact on the timeline as low-key as possible. Things are bound to go crazy here eventually due to my presence here (stupid Murphy's law). I mean heck, Lyra’s already telling ponies in Canterlot about me, and I’m crashing with a main character who also happens to live in a town where disaster strikes every week! Discord wasn't so far off by naming this place the chaos capital of the world.
You chuckle slightly at this before you go back to thinking with a serious face.
For now it's best to keep my knowledge of their future a secret and attempt to keep things on-track as much as possible. It’s my one advantage in this crazy world, and if I change things extremely enough, I’ll be just as lost as everyone else, and I might not be able to get back home.
With these thoughts running through your head, you drift off to sleep.
Sometime Later
Denneylaw's Comment
You groggily return to the waking world as you hear Pinkie moving around. Listening carefully you hear her say.
"Hey, you know, I always wondered why they call it a hacksaw, it doesn’t hack."
Wait, where have I heard that before? You ponder as your eyes open in realization. Oh yeah. Man F#@k that creepypasta! F#@k it right to hell!
You absolutely despise Cupcakes and how it turned the happiest character in all of cartoondom into a damned monster. Though that begs the question of why those lines are being said now.
"Mmmmmmmm, rainbow frosting,” you hear her muttering as she walks in the darkness.
Oh for Christ’s Sake, please don’t actually be legit. I hate that damned-AAAAAHHHH!!!
You let out breathy silent scream and fall out of bed at the site of Pinkie holding a knife at the edge of your bed.
“Huh?! Skelly are you Okay? What’s wrong?” she asks in worry as she flips a switch and turns a lamp on.
You sit up from the ground, ready to run…but you see that the knife is just a spatula, and she is holding a baking tray.
You point at her in confusion and she says,
“I was just getting a midnight snack. Brownies topped with Rainbow Frosting made from Zap Apple Jam extract. I wanted to see if you wanted one?”
Letting out a sigh of relief, you turn down the offer of food. Too much sweets this late would keep you up.
“Alrighty then. Night Night!” she says happily as she turns the lamp off and hops to her bed in the dark.
Letting out another sigh, you lay back in bed and close your eyes. Your last thought before sleep takes you is...
Stupid grimdark trollfic making me jumpy. I wonder what'll kill me first, My Skeletor Complex or Pinkie's antics?
With that sleep takes you, and you dream of being the ruler of Snake Mountain once again.
I timeskip.
Seriously, there's nothing I need to react to here, so...
TIMESKIP!
ONE WEEK LATER
You've been trapped in Equestria for a week, and besides the fact that the ponies in town have slightly gotten used to you (less running away in fear when you approach them and more just staring) nothing has really happened.
The mane six (minus Pinkie) are still suspicious and nervous of you, a fact they seem to like making apparent everytime they see you. Twilight still hasn’t taught you to read yet, but that’s more on you as you haven’t actually gone to her Library yet, or even met Spike.
Another thing you realized is the show failed to mention how much time has pasted in-between each episode. Case in point apparently Ticket Master happened when you were K.O.'d, yet Applebuck Season is just now happening. The only reason you know this is because you are walking into town with Twilight, along with your guard escorts (You still don’t know the Stallion’s name), and she mentioned Applejacks award ceremony for saving the town from a stampede.
Apparently, you slept through that.
Why was Twilight walking with you? Because today is her day in the rotation (you spend every night and two of the days exclusively with Pinkie).
“So Mr. Skeletor…Do you have award ceremonies where you come from?” she asks nervously, trying and failing to make small talk.
You nod, not really listening to her as you set out to test something.
As much as you didn't want to mess up canon, you had made a list of episodes you would try to change for the better when they came up. Fan though you are, some clichés are just terrible.
You feel Apple Buck Season could have had the point driven home much sooner somehow, and you think that if you can somehow get involved, you would be seen in a better light for helping one of the Elements and being a part of a friendship report sent to ol' Sunbutt.
So as you, the two guards and Twilight make way towards the ceremony, you can only think of one thing.
How the hell do I help that stubborn as hell Applejack out without being bucked to the next town over?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
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The only logical solution to keep Applejack from working and asking for help, is sabotage. You have to take the wheels off of her wagons, steal and hide her baskets. And continually annoy her while she tries to work, till she either runs you off or asks for help.
Also, ensure Pinkie Pie does not get poisoned by the baked bads. Try to get Applejack to eat them so she's too sick to work, and give one to Foxtrot because she's mean and you hate her.
And maybe you can get some points by helping Dash after she gets flung through the air from the catapult (which she'll think you're attacking her at her weakest)
Worst Episode is Spike at Your Service because it made no sense how a character who's shown how to expertly cook and clean just screws up over and over again for the plot reasons.
Ignore purple smart for the moment while you start thanking up how your gona get fluttershy to train a beast man for you but that comes latter you need the Havoc staff first , then no one can stop Skeletor .
Maybe to help apple jack you need to get her drunk or something maybe it will get her to calm down and maybe the 7 of you could go clubbing or something you did promise pinkie to teach her how to beatbox bust a move or two .
And while they are all drunk present a contract that apple jack will ask for help or lose her hat or something and you Skeletor will keep it , you always wanted to see how a cowboy hat looks on you.
Crap, I don't know this episode very well.
All of the thoughts go through your mind as you halfway pay attention to the award ceremony. While you have made some logical decisions about what to do, a part of you feels uncertain about it. Mainly the part that remembers that last logical decision you made ended up.
Maybe I shouldn't rely on logic for important decisions. You think.
You are snapped out of your thoughts as Twilight pokes you in the leg. "The ceremony is over. What do you want to do?"
You look at her and realize this is a good time to talk about the Havoc Staff with her, and hopefully convince her to give it to you. That staff might help out with Applejack. You whip out your trust pad and pencil and draw an impressive picture of the Havoc Staff with a question mark next to it.
"Grogar's Staff?" Twilight frowns, "Princess Celestia told me you would ask about it. I honestly thought you would have demanded it as soon as you got here. I'm currently doing some tests on it." She gives you a look, "I don't plan on letting use it anytime soon.
Well, there goes that plan. You curse. Suddenly, an idea strikes you. Wait a second, testing! That's the fastest way to get on Twilight's good side. Time to sacrifice my body to science!On a new piece of paper, you draw Twilight in a lab coat, and you standing next to Twilight.
Twilight blinks, "You want to do some tests with me?" She sounds rather surprised.
You barely get a nod in before she grabs your arm with magic and drags you towards the library. I sure hope this is worth it.
Oh, and every time Rainbow crashes into Skeletor, they end up kissing by accident now.
Ooh, a list! Well, everything is better with JoJo and Skeletor, so I don't know what's on there. Least favorite episode...don't really have one. I haven't watched every episode, but what I have seen is good. This episode is one I haven't seen, for example.
Whenever Skeletor arrives at the orchard, he sees Applejack already working tirelessly to buck the apple trees, and thus you go over to her. When she sees you, she backs up. "Oh no, you don't! You ain't sabotagin' mah apple trees!" she says, otherwise ignoring your presence by kicking apples down from a tree.
You make a grunting sound and think "I wasn't going to do that, AJ, jeez...For my next glimpse into the future, next you'll say "Confound it, what do you want, then?" Please work, I'm all healed up!"
When Applejack turns back to see you, she grits her teeth hard and shouts "Counfound it, what do yah want, then?!"
To her bafflement, you suddenly gain a large smile, making a squeeing noise as you think "It worked! Thank you, rest and recuperation at the Cake's Bakery! Still need to work on that Hamon and Stand thing. Hermit Purple would be nice to-". An "ahem" interrupts you, and you gain an idea. You point to a nearby apple tree and slap your leg.
When Applejack looks down, she can't help but chuckle. "Oh, no, partner, ah got this. Besides, ah don't trust y'all enough to know you won't make a mess outta mah farm. And you're too scrawny."
In defiance, you huff up and kick a nearby tree. Surprisingly, the tree starts to rattle and you look back to Applejack with a smug grin, before a single apple falls and smacks your head, stunning you and making you fall to the ground. While still conscious, you swear you see birds all around you.
You think "Ya know, maybe i could help her finish. Ill just have to do it behind her back. Maybe than she'll get done that much sooner and than get some much needed rest so she doesn't screw up helping her friends with their tasks."
Than, a revalation hits you.
"But than she'll think she really did do it all by herself. Than the lesson won't be learned and she'll probably just do something like this again. AND WHO'S TO SAY IT WON'T BE WORSE NEXT TIME??!!!"
Also Mare do well for worst episode. That could have been handled better.
Rely upon your copious natural talent for rendering ponies unconscious. Knock her out, call her friends to help buck the apples. When she wakes, explain that this is a job for many. Trying to solo it will end badly. In fact, look at how you ended up unconscious from overwork...
As for the staff, wait. Any good villain knows that patience is essential. Why kill your enemies yourself, when in fifty or so years, they can just die? (seriously, be patient. sooner or later, there will be a reason to give it back.)
You'll have to be either really sneaky or somehow convince AJ/her family to let you help out, might've been a good idea to get a job as a handyman or something so you'd have an excuse. Maybe you can convince one of them to hire you for some absurdly small sum and play it off as ignorance instead of charity, it's a small chance but as long as you catch one of the other family members it should be possible.
However if AJ finds out she'll probably resent you trying to help, since this is how she's supposed to learn when it's bad to be stubborn sh's not likely to be entirely reasonable. Hope you invested in some better shoes.
If you can't avoid being around for canon events, perhaps you can keep to canon while tweaking it enough to avoid the stupid parts;
Taking a cue from one of your favorite crime shows;
Act like a vague psychic via pretending to have a trance (have your eyes go zombie-like and your movements more robotic like spirits are possessing your limbs) and draw symbols on the ground with your staff. Fortunately Pinkie's Pinkie Sense backs up these "visions"
In this case, you draw "Zzzzz" with 🚫 through it, an equal sign ("="), and a stampede in the dirt with your cane.
============
DURING THE BUNNY STAMPEDE
While all the other ponies are in panic over the little creatures, years of watching mindlessly adorable cat videos have trained you for this moment.
BUNNIES! you mentally scream as you charge in and start using your size to pick up and hug bunnies by the armfuls, the force of your cuteness-induced hugging KOs the bunnies like a gentle chokehold and you keep doing this to all the bunnies. HUG THEM ALL!!!
Worst episode? Definitely "No Second Prances". Sheer OoCness of everyone involved...
THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!
