Can’t outfox a fox like her
Granny Smith was cleaning the kitchen when she heard a knock at the door. She moved to call out for someone to get it until she remembered that everyone else was busy―Applejack was out on some friendship quest, Apple Bloom was off helping someone with cutie mark or whatever nonsense she was on, and Big Mac was off with that floozy Sugar Belle or whatever her name was.
She sighed. As long as they’re happy, I guess. Granny ambled towards the door and opened it to see some kind of big bug-lookin’ pony thing wearing a blazer with a knapsack slung over its back, as well as a smile that was schemin’ to pull one over on her.
Granny rolled her eyes. “Get on with it so I can ask ya to leave.”
The smiled faded from the bug-thing’s face. “Well, that’s not very neighborly―”
“Ya ain’t my neighbor. Yer looking to hock some worthless junk on me that I’ll instantly regret buyin’. Now go on with your spiel so I can politely ask ya to leave.”
The bug-pony’s eyes darted left and right. She, judging by the timber of her voice, wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction, which drew a smirk from Granny’s face. “Weren’t expecting some ol’ coot to see right through yer game, were ya?”
“Actually, uh, I was kind of expecting you to cower in fear instantly and buy something so I’d leave.”
Granny put a hoof to her chin and looked to the side. “Well, that’s no way to run an honest business.” She looked at her intruder. “Tell me, what’s yer name?”
“Um, Kris?”
Kris’s comment drew a chuckle from Granny. “I suppose that’s good enough. Mine’s Granny. Now why don’t you come in fer some tea?” she said as she turned around and walked inside of her home.
“W-what?” Kris asked before shaking her head. “You’re not terrified of my mere appearance?”
“Please.” Granny snickered. “It’d take more than some scary looking bug thing to scare this ol’ hag out of her withers.” She turned back. “So you comin’ in? I ain’t askin’ again.”
Granny’s insistence was rewarded by the shuffling of hoofsteps behind her. “Take a seat here,” she said as she trotted into the kitchen and pulled a teapot out from one the the cabinets with her mouth. She heard the movement of a chair as she set the kettle in the sink and turned the water on.
“Um… Granny, do you need any help?” Kris asked as she tapped on the table. “It looks like―”
“Nonsense,” she said as the pot filled up and she moved it to the stove. “Nothing these old bones can’t handle that a youngin’ like yours can’t,” she said as she turned the heat on before pulling out a chair across from Kris. Celestia, was she ugly. Although she supposed a young buck might have the same thoughts looking at her ancient face. Beauty’s only skin deep, after all. “So,” Granny asked, “‘what got you into the, uh―”
“Novelty steaks,” Kris said, the smile reappearing on her face.
“Pardon?”
A green glow opened up Kris’s knapsack and pulled out what looked like a fresh hunk of meat. “Novelty steaks!” she said as she moved it closer to Granny’s face. “A macabre, yet interesting addition to any living room! Great for a conversation starter.”
Granny grabbed the steak and perused it up and down, the plastic smile never leaving Kris’s face.
Kris watched Granny examine the steak. “Is there an issue?”
A breath escaped from Granny’s nostrils. “This here’s fake.”
“Well,” Kris said as she clapped her hooves together, “that’s why it’s a novelty steak! Also,” Kris said with a light snicker, “could you imagine the stench of having to carry around actual steaks in my unrefrigerated knapsack, in addition to how angry the cow population would be if we sold actual steaks to ponies?”
“‘’spose that makes sense,” Granny said before she put the steak on the table and slid it back to Kris. “Although it seems to me that yer not very good at being a sales, uh,” she continued before peering at Kris. “Anyway, what are ya?”
Kris bit her lip and looked away. “A, uh… I’m a changeling.”
“Well, then,” Granny said as she leaned back and put a hoof to her mouth. “It seems like you’re not usin’ the right skillset, then.” Granny hummed a bit. “Changelings can change shape, right?”
“You don’t think I’ve explored that avenue?” Kris said as she glared at Granny, “I looked at the paper and there really aren’t any entry-level jobs, or jobs of any sort that would utilize that skillset.”
Granny got out of her chair and headed towards the living room. “If the kettle goes off, could you be a dearie and take it off the stove for me?
“Sure thing.”
Granny found the newspaper she was looking for right as the kettle went off and went back to the kitchen, where Kris had poured the both of them a cup and sat the tea kettle between them. “Well, at least you’re not dumb.”
Kris nodded. “Proactivity is valued in the―”
“Shut up with that tagline nonsense. Now,” Granny said as she folded the paper, “I want you to look at the jobs I listed and see which ones look like ones you can do.”
“Um,” Kris said as she grasped the newspaper, “let’s see here, plumber, no, electrician, no… there’s an opening at the local theater, but I’ve never been very good at acting.” She set the paper down. “Nope, I didn’t see any that fit the bill.”
Granny smirked. “Ya missed one.”
Kris picked up the paper again. “… you don’t mean…” she said as she trailed off.
“Eeyup,” Granny said as she picked up her cup of tea and took a sip.
“I will not engage in that sort of… ignominious activity!” Kris said as her eyes slitted and her mouth sneered. “That is so far beneath my station as to not even be an option.”
Granny took another sip. “Honey, you’re scaring ponies into buying hunks of plastic.”
“B-b-but,” Kris stammered before she slammed the paper down. “It’s lewd! It’s vile! It’s―”
“Perfectly within yer skillset.” Granny set the cup down. “Look, you can change shape into whatever the customer desires.” She let out a mischievous giggle. “Celestia, you don’t even have to pretend to be the pony, just look like ‘em!”
Kris opened her mouth before Granny waved a hoof. “Look, yer obviously out of options and this seems like an expedient way to make a lot of cash quick to get you on yer feet.”
“But,” Kris said as her cheeks turned white. She looked away, then back at Granny. “I’ll… I’ll look into it.” Kris growled. “But I can’t promise anything.”
Granny picked up her cup and took another sip. “Whatever. It’s your life.”
Kris exhaled slowly, then took a practiced sip of tea. Granny noticed the changeling avoiding eye contact with her as they both alternated sipping their tea for the next ten minutes as the sounds of birdsong accompanied the awkward silence.
They both finished their tea, which led to a pregnant pause. “Well, like I said, I suppose I could look into it.” Kris got out of the chair. “Thanks for the advice.”
Granny waved at her as she left the house, whereupon Applejack walked in with a very worried look on her face. “Granny, I hope I didn’t see what I just saw.”
“What did you just see?” Granny asked with a devilish grin on her face.
Applejack looked back. “It looks like,” she said as she faced Granny, “it looks like I just saw Queen Chrysalis walk out of the farm.”
“Then it’s just as it looks like,” Granny said before she waved a hoof to stop Applejack’s next words, “but before you say anything, I think I may have just convinced our lovely Queen to take up a career in prostitution.”
“Um,” Applejack said before blinking a few times, “I don’t see what’s so bad about that that you’re smiling like you killed her dog.” She inhaled. “Hooking’s a perfectly fine job to have.”
Granny looked outside. “Not to her it ain’t.”
She popped her jaw. That’ll learn you to kidnap my granddaughter.
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Dammit, Syeekoh
This may have been the greatest revenge fic ever written. Standards continue to be set higher as you release more and more fabulous fiction.
8286615
First comment’s pretty good for this sort of thing.
8286617
You know exactly why.
8286620
I thought that part was pretty good, too.
8286621
Oh dear lord...
I thought I saw that ending coming, but I thought it was too obvious to actually be it. Then it was. Alrighty then.
8286644
That’s a new one
8286645
Sometimes you just have to go with the obvious because no one’s going to expect it.
.....I don't get it.
Noice.
8286740
👌
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't mess with the Apples. Mar one leaf and the whole tree's set to fall on you.
8286766
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Well this is a thing that happened.
8286803
That’s an accurate way to describe it, yes.
8286804
Has anyone ever called you crazy? Or maybe even compared you to a certin pink earth pony?
8286807
Yes and yes.
Several times for each, in fact.
8286810
But then again is there really any fun in being "normal".
8286815
What fun is there in making sense?
8286816
Isint that Discords line?
8286820
It is, yeah.
love how you mentioned that she tried theatre before!
I'm not sure what's funnier. Granny conning Chryssi into taking up a life of whoreing, or the fact that prostitution jobs are so commonplace in this version of Equestria that they're advertised in the newspaper.
Bless you, Syeekoh.
8287173
Personally, I like to imagine Equestria as a rather progressive locale.
*snerk*
Well, 8286615 already said it, so...
this was pretty funny, if facepalm worthy at the end. about what I've comd to expect from you :p
Was the title at all inspired by this?
8287533
I can’t say I’ve ever seen that movie, no, but that must be when the phrase “outfox the fox” entered the mass public consciousness for the first time, so I am probably indebted to that film in some manner.
>Go to fimfics for the first time in days
>Syeekoh story in feature box
Just came here to call you a faggot.
Faggot~<3
8287818
Just for you, bby.
8287977
Right back at you ~<3
Heh-heh-heh, what a deliciously fun little fic. This should be a Fanfic 101 guide on how to write Granny Smith (or a lot of Apple family dialogue in general) considering it's both concise but full of plenty of good examples on how one should right the type of country dialect you'd get from a character like Granny Smith, certainly no small feat. Well done, indeed, and thanks for the many chuckles!
I rate this 9/10 apples.
*applause of approval* Me like.
I approve of this, 10/10 would read again, hehehehe
Chrysalis would be a perfect prostitute. I can so imagine her being a prostitute, with Pharynx as her 'pimp', since he's just about as powerful as she is, if not more now that he has more love. It would be an excellent punishment for the former leader...sorry, slave-driver...of the changelings. Let Prince Pharynx take care of once-Queen Chrysalis. All her hooking bits go to helping Thorax turn the changeling village into an even bigger hippie paradise. Add some nice bongs and meditation circles...everything a hippie paradise needs, and Chrysalis would feel so much shame, seeing what her former hive has become!