The HLF thinks that we are mindless creatures that lost our humanity and only deserve a swift death. In the eyes of the PER we are liberated souls, freed of our corrupted human bodies and thoughts. Neither of these views is really appealing to me.
My name Is Flashlight and I’m a Newfoal.
Most people assume that one sip from the magical ponifcation brew turns you into a complete new begin without a past and full of happiness. These people are wrong.
I’m Flashlight and this is my story.
Chapters (2)
Looks decent so far. I'm interested to hear this character's more nuanced take on the Bureaus.
This is certainly intriguing, and I definitely want to see where you take this. However, this could definitely use a run through a spellchecker- one typo I saw involved a 'bulletin the head'.
Nice story, though there are a few things that could be corrected in terms of grammar and stuff. Nethertheless, good job!
Thank you all for your comments. I'm aware of the fact that the grammer is a bit off. I'm trying my best but english isn't my first language so I'm trying to find a pre-reader.
See... this is something I'm enjoying, considering with all the fics in this universe of I've read, and now I ask myself... why didn't it occur to me to write something from the point of view of a converted? I mean, HLF is paranoid, PER is hypocrite central, and then some say humans don't even have souls. I've never seen this from the view of a converted or a "human sympathizer". Odd, right? Point is that I'm looking forward to more.
976561
) TCB has.
This is defiantly not the first story from the POV of a Newfoal. There is one story about former humans living in Equestria, told from their perspective. I don’t remember the title but it’s on this site. And I'm sure there are many other such stories, considering the big Fandom (and Hatedom
Still, my goal is to write a TCB that neither glorifies nor vilifies the conversion. In some stories the conversion either turns you into an Angle or a Zombie, whileI’m trying to portray Newfoals as normal begins. Hopefully it will work.
But enough babbling, I still have to finish the second chapter.
981863
Cool. I don't want to see either side villainous or glorified anyway.
Hm... If I was not worried I would screw it up, I'd end up writing a post-Conversion oneshot from Celestia's point of view. Only, it's not from the point of view of a conquering tyrant... It would be from the point of view of a regretful ruler, one whom realized too late that she was being a hypocrite. After all, a lot of fics say she made the barrier, so... I'd image her stumbling upon some archives of human history and draws certain similarities with what she's done compared to other certain genocides and xenocides...
981881
That actually sounds like an interesting concept for an one-shot. I would read it.
986189
Thanks. Maybe I'll write it after all, then.
Nice job making things less extreme like keeping it interesting.
"They're zombies!" "They're superior beings!" "Do I get a say in this?"
Hurray, the Chapter 1 is complete. It took me more than a month to write it, mostly because of the last part.
In many TCB stories the conversion itself is portrayed as a rather simple thing: You enter the bureau, take the serum and then you leave. In some stories it makes sense, in others not so much but I tried to take a different route. After all it’s a live changing experience, so a professional organization like the Conversion Bureaus has to offer some kind of support for the Newfoals. Something more than just: “Congrats, you’re a pony now. Here’s some free candy.”
I also wanted to show the difference between the Bureaus who respect the free will of their patients and really care for their fate and the PER who are basically: “Zap! You’re a pony now! Be happy!”
Those are the reasons why I wrote the last scene between Flashlight/ John and Cheesy Cream. And since I wanted to do right, without bothering the readers with a lot of unimportant stuff that serves no purpose I just took so dam long.
I hope it was worth the waiting. So please don’t hold back and give me your honest opinions and tell me where I can improve.
I like this story. Why? Because it takes a PRACTICAL side to things.
It had BOTH extremist groups be exactly that: extreme.
One side treating Ponification as the second coming, the other as a plague.
It doesn't have the focus on wars or political struggles.
It shows how a change in species WOULD have several practical sides to it to consider if it was going to be used en mass in a civilized manner.
good story so far, but please. Get someone to preread it. I like the storyline so far, but the constant grammar/spelling errors are rather immersion breaking for me.
Hah, this is fun. You really need an editor to go through and fix homonym abuse as well as flat-out mis-words but it's fun.
981863
Hrmm...The Taste of Grass by Chatoyance?
I had hopes that the grammar wouldn't be that bad, but yeah I really need an editor. So if someone knows somebody who's willing to edit an error-riddled TCB story, please tell me.
1085610
I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t a story from Chatoyance because it was a less positive one. Never really read it, but as far as I remember I took place after the whole earth was converted and showed that being a Pony wasn’t as great as some people thought.
1085783
"Still Human"? It wasn't positive, at least in few first chapters.
The premise is good, the progress solid, the quotations and opening propaganda pieces set the mood well, and the physical discomfitures do a good job of adding verisimilitude to the experience presented. Overall, very interesting, and I am tracking.
That said - the grammar and spelling is very poor at times, to a level that severely compromises readability. You desperately need either an editor or to make a few editing passes on your own work.
One technique that works very well for me is to read, out loud, my story to my lover. As I read the story out loud to her, I easily catch grammatical and other errors because the process itself illuminates the errors as my reading stumbles. I correct as I go, because she is very patient, and very willing to help me. I would suggest that you might try this with a significant other as a means to prepare your chapters for publication.
The work here is good. It is just in fairly terrible shape. It needs to be fully cooked before serving. You have a good, interesting tale to tell.
Give it the polish it deserves.
1085959
Yes that’s the one I meant, thanks.
1087169
That’s a good suggestion, but sadly the only other person in my surrounding that speaks English is my father who doesn’t know anything about FiM or the TCB universe so I don’t want to bother him.
Future more I’m not a native English speaker which means that my pronunciation is far from perfect. I probably wouldn’t even notice obvious error while reading aloud.
I read his little section and all I'm thinking about is this.
newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40732000/jpg/_40732471_swastika_203.jpg
This brings a smile to my face.
The fact that he remembers it and that there is no emotional change to promote anti human ideals really pleases me. To the point that I might even give the potion some thought had I been there.
I still wouldn't do it, but the fact I'd actually stop to consider is a big difference.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a PER outpost to nuke.
>How could you possibly want to stay in that imperfect, flawed human body if you could be a colorful, magical Pony full of happiness instead
I have tickling sensation in the fingers and want to write long, throughout answer.
Is it worth writing to be used somewhere in the story ?
1610081
Hopefully you realized that this guy isn’t supposed to be a likeable character and has a rather narrow view of the world. His sole purpose is to give the readers an insight into the mind of PER terrorist. How did he become what he is? How does he justify the things he did? There’s no need to disprove his arguments. If I’m doing my job right, they story itself will do that.
If you still want to write a response, feel free to do so. It can’t promise anything but maybe I’ll use it as quote or excerpts at the beginning of a future chapter. Just make sure that it actually sounds like a speech or a text from someone living in a TCB universe.
Any thoughts on the rest of that chapter? Or did you just read that part and clicked on thumbs-down?
I cannot say much about the language as English is not my first language, and you even have not shown what plot you want to play yet. Some ideas look interesting, but I cannot say much more.
Yep. However, the real answer has to be written. Hopefully, it will give some idiots an idea what human really need in life.
Following quote is written from POV of former computer scientist, who is now working for a wing of HLF with main motto "Leave us alone or we will force you to do this. Buy any means necessary, including, but not limited to, our death and your eternal torture." He is ready to work with ponies and other equestrians of any kind and is willing to perform things that will make normal people run crying their eyes out with bloody tears, but he has little needs to do so and consider pointless violence impractical and below his honor.
Feel free to use the quote any way you want.
BTW, I'm watching you.
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Sorry but there’s no moderate wing of the HLF. Almost all of them believe that the ponies are responsible for the barrier in one or another way and that the serum is an attempt to brainwash humans and turn them into soldiers for Celestia cause. From them its war and everything is allowed: Blowing up Conversion Bureaus, murdering famous “collaborators” (people who are working with ponies) or assassinate Pony VIPs.
However, the HLF isn’t just one big organization it works more like a Franchise company: There are several paramilitary groups that operate independently from each-other and a “command-center” that supplies them with equipment and plans the large-scale operations.
While any group can claim to be part of the HLF only those acknowledge by the command-center really belong to them. Since working with ponies is a no-go for the HLF this group would be HLF in-name only.
1616612
And then work with ponies also falls into definition of what is allowed, or something is wrong with your wording. Of course, precautions are absolutely necessary in this case.
What I meant is that probably there is a wing with motto 'Kill them all' and a wing with motto 'Drive them out'. They will be different in means and goals, but share some interest. And wing with motto 'Kill them on sigh' will be marginal and very ineffective one.
1618755
Ok what I really meant with everything is allowed is hat there are no civilians: Every pony is considered as enemy combatant and every human working with them is a possible collaborator.
Groups that kill them one sight are indeed very ineffective and don’t last long, which is why they normally aren’t belong to the HLF. Most of the HLF leaders are former militaries; they know that they aren’t achieving anything by shooting random ponies in the streets and that it’s stupid at best.
1619955
So what, they do not do use pony agents and cannot make alliance or share info with group with similar interests only because they are ponies? It is nonproductive and restrictive approach.
BTW, polite word and a pistol can make much more, then only polite word or pistol alone.
1619987
That's as likely as a Jewish member of the a Neo Nazi group.They don’t trust ponies at all.
Even a former HLF member that would get ponified by accident is no longer trustworthy. They sincerely believe that the potion turns you into a caricature of your former self that only pretends to be your friend until there’s opportunity to ponify you. Kinda like in The Thing.
In that matter the PER is actually a bit more pragmatic and reasonable. They know how important it is to bleed in with the crowd. The members of their group include humans as well as new foals and even a few Equestrians.
1620293
>That's as likely as a Jewish member of the a Neo Nazi group.
If you want this analogy, think about Jewish agent, whose loyalty comes from hostage, kept by said Nazi group. Is it more believable ?
>They don’t trust ponies at all.
So what? One don't have to trust a doll, he has only to have strings attached, pardon me for such metaphor. One don't have to trust enemy when predicting his moves.
1620314
Ok that’s something the HLF would do. They aren’t above hostage taking or black-mailing if it serves their cause. But that’s hardly what I would call cooperation.
Of course it’s hard to kidnap family members of important ponies since most of them live in Equestria and humans can’t survive in Equestra.
Anyway, we should continue this discussion at another place. We’re basically talking about the world-setting and not the story itself. So feel free to send me a PM, if you want to continue our little chat.
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I think we will end soon, so I don't think it is good to tear thread. It is relevant to your story, since the setting include HLF somewhere on horizon.
Are they above other kinds of manipulation, like deception ? Probably no. So, why not to do what human military should know ho to do? A tension between pony races could be a great advantage for humans. However, one have to know his enemy to do so, and most members of HLF will not like it, probably. And some will try to utilize unconventional tactics as well, because everything is allowed.
This is strictly in the will of the writer. Your story, your rule. May be it is not Equestria itself, but only barrier and teleportation or hole in the barrier will work (like in Chat's Mankind Triumphant). Maybe other types of serum will emerge.
1610081
There are so many things I could say about that, but out of respect to the author, I won't.
As for the story, I'll have to read it when I'm on my desktop and not my cell.
Funny, I didn't know he was being made Pope...
In all seriousness, the word is 'Ponification'. You've used it properly in other instances; maybe a re-read and edit is all that's needed.