- Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
The Phantom Joker
You'll Never See Me Comin'!
The Phantom Joker
Joined 3rd Sep, 2013 ·
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Whiskey, Jack Daniels is Whiskey
8399246
Fixed. I'm not very good at knowing my liquors, as I don't drink.
nice work and looking forward to the next chapter of the dark knight.
Here the name is Jack Daniels....
But here it isn't.... why?
8399353
Fixed. Accidentally missed a spot when I was changing War Machine's name.
8399356
oh, and also...
This gonna be his "Kamehameha"?
8399368
No. I just thought it'd be fun.
Greetings!
I've done some thinking. My last review on one of your stories really wasn't my best, mostly because it got too emotional and was hardly a critique of the work. To that end, I aim to make this review different, by trying something I've learned in my AP Classes. First, I will look for what you did right and give my comments on that, then I will look at what could be improved and will comment on that as well.
Now I shall dive in and see where this story takes me.
You missed a dot at the end of this sentence, if I were you, I would check if you have all the dots, commas, etc.
First, I would like to take a quick look at the story's description.
While my previous comments regarding names may lead you to conclude that I am highly critical of any that you create, in this instance, I do like the change you've made. Jack Daniels is, obviously, a reference to the whiskey, and while it could be considered in some ways a ripping-off of sorts, I'm more inclined to say it offers up some amount of meta-humor for the story. Linguistically speaking, I believe that Jack Daniels is a good name to use. This is primarily because of the structure of the full name. "Jack" is one syllable, and "Daniels" is two syllables. Vocally, this creates a harmonic sequence, as one ascends from one "beat" to two "beats" as the name is pronounced.
I also find it interesting that you included Starlight Glimmer in the Equestrian military. Canonically (what little of it exists, anyway), Starlight never showed up in the Crystal Wars. At this moment, I can't recall if Fluttershy or Rarity are involved, but it's an interesting inclusion nonetheless.
There are still several grammatical problems in the description, though they are minor when compared to larger issues at hand. For example:
When you write a description, you don't go an immediately reveal what a character's fatal flaw will do to the story. While you do want to describe your main character enough, you don't do it in the way you have presented it here. I'm not sure what books you've read that have the main character's "rise and fall" so easily explained and detailed in the description, but I can guarantee you, doing that isn't a good idea. It detracts from the whole point of telling the story, which is seeing the character prevail and overcome their own problems. If you immediately start off by saying "Character A is bad in this way and his actions will do this to Character B," then you've ruined 1) a plot point, 2) a pivotal point in the character's development, and 3) the exploratory portion of writing a story. (It doesn't help that you've already said that your OC is with Rainbow Dash, meaning that entire sideplot has been spoiled.)
I must admit, it sounds like you took what I said and placed it in the quoted excerpt. I recall myself talking about arrogance and hubris, as well as the increased intelligence increasing said flaws exponentially. The idea of him being tormented as a child for his name is definitely yours, and I would applaud you for it, were it not for the fact that you mentioned that being the reason in the description. Don't do that. You want to give the bare minimum you can without revealing everything there is about a character when you write a description. We as readers want to know why he's arrogant, but telling us immediately that it's because of this is just cheap and lazy storytelling.
Description done! Moving on to the chapter.
8399395
Fixed the description.
Diving in, I can assure you this won't be an in-line editing sort of comment, as I don't have the liberty to do that. Besides, I'd much rather we focus on the idea, rather than the physical presentation, as much as we can, bar some exceptions or so.
Right away, I sense some improvement from your other works.
This is you setting the scene in the best way possible: as simply and cleanly and concisely as you can. I've read somewhere that all you need for a good opening is a paragraph of one to three sentences, and I'd say you've got this down pat. Though, it would be nice to get some more detail about how the streets looked, such as if they were littered with corpses, if there was some low-lying smoke lingering above the abandoned streets. Something to that extent. But beyond that, this is a strong opening.
This is a very clear description... at first. While a person unfamiliar with how War Machine looks would become quickly acquainted with him, it is difficult to swallow the amount of specific details that are shoved into this paragraph. For the sake of clarity, I would break up the sentences so that two details at least fill one sentence of description.
Under normal circumstances, you might be called out for how cheesy this monologue sounds, but I would argue that it totally works with how Jack Daniels is supposed to be portrayed. Why? Well, because he's an arrogant person, it stands to reason he would internally-monologue about what's going on. The inclusion of "Now, if you'll pardon me for just a moment," while an aside, is also reminiscent of someone with delusions of grandeur. Even though you've already told the reader in the description that this guy is arrogant, this monologue emphasizes that in a subtle manner. If that was your purpose in making that monologue, then that's great! It works well and does what it does well.
Here's a gripe, though: adverbs. One ought to avoid using them where action can easily replace their meaning. Don't just say "the soldiers quickly and nervously fired their weapons;" show how they fired them, perhaps "with wobbly hooves and unsteady grips, aims far from true." In short, an adverb implies an author doesn't have confidence in the reader to pick up on subtle nuances of character that demonstrate how the character wants to act in a situation. Avoid them when you can.
Huh. For some reason, it'd escaped my notice that this was a humanized Crystal Wars story.
Applejack as the straight man of the group deserves my yes.
[quote}”Sir, we need to get out of this facility immediately,” said the voice who had awoken the man from unconsciousness as the man began to struggle and try to get free of his restraints.
”Wha…? Where are you…?” the man inside the suit mumbled as he redoubled his attempts to get free of his restraints. Just some minor comments for this part. I like the little moment where Jack says "Where" as opposed to "who." It goes in line with the voice of KILROY being immaterial and technically being "close" to Jack.
... What?
I must have missed something. But at what part was it ever said that Jack knew about 1) Sombra, 2) the Crystal Empire, or 3) Equestria (implied by "There was only one place he could be")? Is Jack a brony? Or is he familiar with multiple worlds theory?
I'd call you out for the reference alone, but because you added on to it with some neat humor, I'll let you have it. Kudos. I actually let out a mild nose exhale.
Pissed off characters are pissed off, point given. Always fun to see arrogant people put in their physical place.
Overall... well, it's not a bad chapter by any means. Generally speaking, it's a solid opener that leads the reader wanting more.
The flaws are the usual, though. Cliche bad guys, cliche monologues (no matter how pleasant), cliche structure--out-of-place present to sudden origin flashback. Your stories all follow that same formula, so it becomes easy to predict and less easy to be surprised. It's kind of sad.
I rate this 6/10. I'll add it to my Tracking library and wait for more. (Hopefully this review hasn't been too scathing. I tried to cut back on emotional words for the most part.)
i dont know, but that seems like the type of thing to leave for the readers to find out, instead of being told straight up.
Need new chapter please
😀
For obvious reasons I can imagine Jack doing this:
Deadpool Fourth Wall speak to reader anyone?
"Maximum effort!"
(ReadingWins)
BlackSoul: Hahahaaa! *Ding! X50*
MORE!!!
(Reads the description) ...Didn't you once have a Starkiller Displaced fic with the exact same premise? I haven't even read this yet, but I'm gonna try and guess how it goes down, at least for the first chapter or two. *ahem*:
1: He wakes up strapped to a table with EvilTwi standing over him.
2: She offers him the chance to join Sombra willingly, only to say something like "such a shame, I'd have preferred you alive" when he refuses.
3: He breaks free of his bonds, causing EvilTwi to fall back and initiate lockdown procedures for the facility.
4: As he's making his way through the complex, he comes across an Equestrian infiltration team including Rainbow Dash and Maud Pie.
5: He joins up with them, and kicks some major ass on the way out.
So... How'd I do?
8403092
Pretty good, actually. I converted this openng chapter from my Starkiller story, truth be told. But, from here on out, it will be far different from that old project.
8403118
In that case, I reserve my judgement until there are at least a couple more chapters.
8403137
Fair enough.
Are you actually going to do something with this story because a lot of times you do one or two chapters and then nothing and this stored in particular it's been redone so many times really the only thing different that you've done with it is change the character I'm getting tired of reading the same thing over and over with different characters if you're going to do it do it and stop restarting it over and over it's getting tiring it's a good story I will tell you that for sure but it gets old reading the same thing over and over when there's nothing new but character change
Istwa a te gwo! Mwen te renmen devlopman nan karaktè ak fason ou tranzisyon ant sèn! Deskripsyon ou te fè m 'kontan ak mwen espere ou fè byen! Asire ou ke ou pa mete sòs la nan lesiv la!
8433285
s2.quickmeme.com/img/3d/3d72f264b0cf2e7ad14d4eafd894c101fb52afd6e68f74af079d2ff93a495be3.jpg
DO YOU SPEAK THE PRESIDENT'S ENGLISH? I'LL SETTLE FOR THE KING'S ENGLISH.
This war machine sounds like one of my troopers from Xcom 2...I like it.
So you gonna make more?
9183855
In time.
9183874
ok
Why do you abandon all your good stories?
10046464
Because people like them...
it's not even labeled as canceled.
9183874
New chapter when?
So when is this getting an update? It's so good and it's been years. It has to get an update sometime.
hay continue it
Will this continue?
I want to see how badass Spike is in this AU