Lock On, one of Princess Celestia's trustworthy and steadfast Royal Guards, has a secret that he can no longer keep. The moment he saw Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, he had fallen in love with her. Strongly determined to confess his love, he ventures beyond the known Equestrian border, stepping onto the rocky wasteland that few ponies have ever set hoof on before—and even fewer have returned.
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Thanks StarslashBrony (now StarPlasma) and Sunshine-Smiles for the editing job!
Chapters (8)
Very interesting, will follow.
... Alright. I can get on board with this. XD
I'm looking forward to more of this.
This pony is waaaaacckkked. Granted I can totally understand where he is coming from. Tracking and watching with interest.
Looking good, although I always thought the saying was 'love at first sight' not 'love in first sight' maybe I'm wrong.
Either way I'm keeping track of this. Can't wait for chapter 2.
Hunter C. Creed
903587 Oh. Thanks for pointing that out.
903724 No problem. Just make sure you keep this story alive. If not I'm sure the Inquisition will have a thing or two to say to you.
Hunter C. Creed
903820
What a second, there's an Inquisition? I didn't expect that.
*whips around*
Now, YOU? YOU!? The guy who screams that NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION?
I EXPECTED YOU. Your primary weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency. Now let me get back to my sodding comment.
>>Author
This story is awesome, will track/favorite/whatever we call it now.
Because it is awesome.
903865
Actually we are the Imperial Inquisition, our primary weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and a very fanatical devotion to The Emperor. Oh and 5-10 kilometer long battleships carrying weapons capable of destroying a planet.
Hunter C. *URK*
Inquisitor Boreas Maximus, member of the Ordos Xenos, we're done here.
905053 Personally I really like her eyes. Evil, but seductive.
Something about his reminds me od Dickens. The superflouous words just make it seem overwrought and artificial. You don't need to worry about being paid by the page. Relax and just let it flow naturally without too much repetition.
That being said, I echo Lock's love for Chrysalis. And I can't wait for more.
Wow. He's definitely determined. At least, determined is one word for it
Gonna track this one.
Watch him get friend-zoned
Good beginning, keep it up!
905303 Also, describing the moist wind right before decrying the arid climate? Kind of confusing. Maybe try and keep the descriptions from being contradictory? I love the idea for this story, but it's honestly kind of hard to follow with all the purple prose.
909157 Ah, fixed that part. Hmm, so too fancy? Will keep that in mind.
909185 Yeah. Fancy's not always a bad thing, but I found I had trouble paying attention and started to skim in parts, and it seemed to be a little repetitive -- I get it, he's hot and confused, what happens next! But seriously, I really like the idea for the story and I'm gonna be checking back to see some more!
Also, I hate to be harping on about this, but sultry still has the same problem. The definition for sultry is hot and humid, which is again not really what the definition for arid is. Are you trying to describe the climate as very hot and humid, or a dry bone-scorching heat?
909392 The latter. Actually, I really thank you for pointing that out. Gives me a chance to fix the problems I couldn't quite notice. Now to think of appropriate word...
909433 Well, if you don't mind me pointing out problems with that line (and I really hope I'm not overstepping my bounds! Feel free to tell me off if I get annoying haha) you don't really need to say that the wind carried wind. And I may be wrong but I don't think dry air usually carries illness, isn't that more associated with damp air? You could try just describing the wind as if it had been pumped straight from a furnace or volcano or something, carrying sand and blistering heat.
909472 Thanks for the suggestion.
You grabbed my interest. Watching how this turns out.
YAY...so many typos
someone else get them
918530 Wait, really?
MOAR.
and yes, many typo.
918555
more of lines that don't seem right... but i'm no editor. it minor stuff. i just noticed it when i read this. and there are some
it was his role to follow the command
That space before the period? It has to go!
"beyond the Equestrian border"
918745 Thanks for pointing that out.
That's not love, that's OBSESSION!
...And I love that about this OC. Let me explain. (Alright, what I'm about say is called an Alternate Character Interpretation, so bear with me here.)
Insanity, even a mild case, can lead to an astounding character. I think Lock On is a brilliant deconstruction of the classic Prince Charming. His commitment to this criminal (that he's barely spoken to, btw) is set in ideals that only exist in fairy tales. (Then again, unicorns only exist in fairy tales, but that's beside the point) Again, I LIKE THAT ABOUT HIM.
He could very well die in the dessert, his only other interactions with Chysalis being that of dehydrated hallucinations. And you know, he'd die (somewhat) happy that way. Again, I LIKE THAT ABOUT HIM.
He's probalby confessed to his loved ones about his sick obsession, and is considered a traitor back in Canterlot. Again, I LIKE THAT ABOUT HIM.
Anyways, I hope Mightyfinemorning shares my views on his OC, because it opens up so many more story elements than Chrysalis welcoming him with open arms. (fingers crossed!)
Love is really good. But get ahold of yourself, man. Your right to throw your life away ends where another fellow begin. You can suicide yourself for Crysalis but you can't demand others die. While I still find his puppydog love endearing and silly, his conclusions bug me.
I didn't see any typos. Then again, I don't scour every single story I read for every possible mistake.
This is a pretty exciting story - I'm wondering how Chrysalis will react if/when she meets Lock On.
"Hey, I kind of fell in love with you when you attacked my country, so now I've run across an impossibly harsh desert just to see you again!"
the one way he could have avoided all of this... self control
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/7/11/gOHOQVdGOkSCZAuj84Md1Q2.jpg
918989 But seriously, I don't think self control will help when Chrysalis is standing right in front of you. I personally think she is like a succubus in MLP:FiM world. I doubt even Shining would have trouble resisting her when she's hiding her malicious intent.
902656
Well done, Kev, well done indeed. I salute your sense of humor and your wit.
919143
yeah your right..... i just really wanted to post that picture
I look forward to more of this rp.
This keeps getting better and better. Moar!
Uh... First sentence has a possible discrepancy...
Streams of sweats rolled down on Lock On’s face.
I can come to only two conclusions from this:
A. Lock On has a strange glandular system that allows him to secrete two (2) different types of sweat, at the same time.
B. Author made a grammatical error in the first (ouch) sentence of the story.
Okay, now that that is said, ON WITH THE STORY~!
There are many grammar, punctuation, and sentence structuring errors. However, the story is really interesting and makes up for it. Mostly. However, I would recommend getting someone to edit them, and any further chapters, before posting them.
926622 I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the suggestions.
928893
Just doing my civic duties.
I demand moar!
Well, he finally reached his destination. Let's hope Chrysalis is understanding and doesn't brutally torture him to death
anongallery.org/img/3/8/spiderman-i-like-where-this-is-going.jpg
dontdrinkbeer.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/1332397100700.jpg
I am enjoying this fanfic-Lock On is very well crafted.
906719
I was thinking more like enemy-zoned
Interesting.
The first two chapters were a bit rough for me, but now I feel confident enough in the story to change my thumbs-down to a thumbs-up.
963686 ditto
Cute. Nuts but cute. Poor guy just wants some Chrysalis. And after THAT flash, I think anyone would. Plus the "Deep in the Hive" Tumblr (Though Super Bordello is cuter.)
Okay, I waiting, I have a message from Tonight's Coltbert Report, and... It... It's official! Coltbert has announced that Shit Just Got Real! It's official! 8D (In a good way.)