• Member Since 7th Jul, 2017
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Protoform66


Just a guy who wants to make stories for everyone or the minority we rarely see. Be sure comment and like my stories

T

A 15 year old human named Desmond was summoned by Twilight from a portal spell and made things hell, or Tartarus as they put it. He's ignored or cast aside for being different despite them being anthropomorphic and almost looking like him. His only friend, Luna tried to help, but there's only so much one pony can do to care about one person. The Night of the Gala... well it's a night to remember...
NOTE: Tags are bound to change, such as including a bit romance if I can.
PS: Lots of swearing, blood, and other things relating to a quest for vengeance.
PPS: I do not own MLP, Equestria Girls, or any music, sound effects, or anything that is copyright material. It is only used for the sake of entertainment for this story

Chapters (7)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 50 )

Well... THIS was an interesting fick to read.
(Keep up the good work, and i can't wait for the rest :-)

8284726
Thanks dude. I actually got the idea to do something like this one from the Ending verse and another story I can't recall. I mean hey if everything was peace and love, that would be too good to be true and yet all we see are ponies experiencing it and no one else.

Keeeeeeeeeep going itssssssss goooooooooooood
I give it a +++++++++-+

hmm interesting, i like a revenge fic where the character doesn't forgive the main cast for all of a sudden. Sometimes good old vengeance and murder is just enough to read. Hmm, also are you going to have him go after the alicorn amulet, would give a nice power up, also maybe find Grogar at some point

Oh hell yeah. I love this. Revenge is a sweet thing, almost nothing can beat the feeling. Especially if your human. You can bet he took that to the grave and back.

8311687
Thanks this story maybe relatively short chapter wise and moved to a sequel later

Interesting as usual. There's some spelling and gramaitcal errors, but I could still readt it just fine, so your okay. Not gonna lie though, it was kinda short. I expected a little more words, but hey, whatever. Ya got the point across.

I know I'm gonna get flak for saying this, but someone's gotta say it so let's just get it over with.

Looks like Tirek ate something that disagreed with him.

dam... now i really can't wait for next chapter

donot friend what you took, but still drinking it, it's amazing:pinkiecrazy:
i.pinimg.com/originals/3b/ba/18/3bba18ea0b75ca4df2bd69d01c5f785d.jpg
keep it up:pinkiehappy:

First am FIrst:I am the campaign my friends and keep on fighting til the end also love the fic keep up the good work.

:applejackconfused: Didn't except that. Should have seen that coming.

8438885
What can I say, folks love drama and revelations

8445024
Hey it's all I could think without it sounding suspicious. Plus I am not good with names:twilightsheepish:

I don't like the fact he's pretending to like them, quite frankly I'm sick and tired of that mask BS.

The way you ended the story, made no since.

Too bad he's not a likable character.
If he at least showed some redeemable qualities, Desmond would have evoked more sympathy from the audience.
As it stands now, he's just another self-entitled jerk, who took himself out, then blamed someone (or pony) else for it.
His "choice," in the beginning just seems to be more an act of cowardice than one of desperation.

I think a better name would be Head Shot as Remembrance of what happened in my opinion :pinkiecrazy:

8620838
I agree to an extent. The reason he's not very relatable is more due to the fact that we don't see his "fall from grace", but are instead just told that he had fallen from grace. It's a good example of why "show, not tell" is important. If the first chapter was about his first day and a few more chapters were dedicated to those events and his reaction to them, even as flashback chapters, he'd be more human and thus more relatable. Instead, we have this person who we are told had a tough time. That's it. It's hard to feel empathy with someone who has only stated the things that happened, rather than fleshing out the story to paint the picture of what happened in the readers' minds.

(No offence, but I couldn’t say anything harsher than that and upset eh Fluttershy community, I love her but it’s partially true she scares easily)

...:facehoof: Never do this. Never. Don't interrupt the flow of a story to apologize for something or explain something. That's just a guaranteed way to lower the quality of the writing significantly. Save that for pre- and post-chapter author notes, not that that had to even be said.

Okay, I get why you are including links to various things, but you've passed the level where they are helping you and are now only showing how weak your writing is. I shouldn't need to look at a picture of something in order to understand what you are talking about. Describe stuff. That's probably the second biggest issue in this story (with the first being "show, don't tell" and the third being the numerous grammar issues). Mention how Twilight's eyes are slightly misting, as she is reminded about how she caused this, that her heart feels a pang of hollowness to see the person she harmed lash out at her and her friends. That's what's missing in this story. The little details that give a scene life. Everything is either left blank, or given the most basic level of detail, and that's not good.

Also, I shouldn't also need background music to set a scene. If you are not describing the scene well enough, even the best background music can't fix that. Background music is the "cherry on top" of a scene. It's the final piece of the creation, not the creation itself.

I want to know what the ponies think when he attack Twi. An what actions going to be taken after he gotten away.

“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? How have you been? I’ve been reeaally busy being dead… you know after you MURDERED ME.” He added after his eyes glowed brighter.

Yay! GLaDOS has been reincarnated!

9074224
Don't fuckin correct my spell checker!

I think is a awesome story

It would be amazing if you made a story following this one

9187663
Not by a wannabe piece of garbage no.

9258996
Congrats, you were triggered enough to not just walk away like an adult after being warned that you were violating the rules. Reported for harassment.

9259078
Like I care when it comes to punks like you. Where was the warning also? You're not only a bullying punk but quite a liar as well aren't you?

9259078
FYI, now YOU have been reported for instigating and swearing up a storm at me.

Kinda weird but ok. Wouldn’t it be better for Desmond not to reveal himself yet? Try to see what has happened to the people he knew after his death? I was kinda hoping he could keep it a secret that he’s alive. Have a superior spiderman complex against the main six and the ponles. Tarnish the entire utopia against the world. Maybe as a side note have Celestina start an investigation on why Cerberus is missing? This chapter is kinda forced and rushed. :/

I really wish tjeir was another story following this on his life in the equestria girls show

6��2�y|�x�G

*Wastes ten minutes trying to figure out what it means*

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!