The Chronicle of The Hidden Key

CyberDemonSlayer

CyberDemonSlayer #1 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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What even

Comment posted by Blazewing Inferno deleted Jun 30th, 2017

neetonsaturn

neetonsaturn #3 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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What even

Blazewing Inferno

Blazewing Inferno #4 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8265020
I used the Episodes as my platform. Too much?

Feather Note

Feather Note #5 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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Well. This was... interesting.

Isseus

Isseus #6 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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The grammar. It's so painful that I feel like I'm reading a badly translated manga. Just, you know, without the pictures to help me make sense of things.

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #7 · Jun 30th, 2017 · 2 · · Return of Harmony ·

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I suppose I should preface this by saying this initial statement is before I've even read the story, but it is something so obvious that I feel like I need to point it out now, if only to save you some trouble. Until I say so, this segment is based on the description, and how it looks for a prospective reader, so bear with me.
1) The subject is over used. Keyblade OC comes to Ponyville (and I would like to point out that there is a lack of a human tag, so... score a point for not doing an HiE)
2) The cover art is a keyblade. Those are a dime for two dozen. Little tip: Unless you are an exceptional writer, keep the word "keyblade" out of the story.
3) Little tip from me to you: write a couple one-shots before jumping head first into a long, drawn out story. It'll help you improve your writing, get you a small group of followers (if you're good/lucky), and will help you improve much more than a single long story will. Trust me, I made that mistake.
4) I notice a distinct lack of editor/proof reader mentions, meaning I must assume you had none, which is never good. This site is full of groups willing to help. Heck, if you offer to edit someone's story, after a while, you can ask them to edit yours and form an actual bond with another person.

Anyways, those are just things prior to me actually reading and trying to help, so let me go from there and into the description.

This is the tale of a Keyblade Wielder from Okoto,

I refer to my Keyblade comment from before. Also, why is there two spaces between Keyblade and Wielder?

he had constructed a means of travel to other universes and all had been as normal until a world cried out.

Small tip, when writing, use the active voice, not the passive. In this case, "he constructed" over "he had constructed". Just makes it better, and again, another double space. Also "had been as normal" is awkward phrasing.

Chaos has been unleashed and now threatens to summon The Darkness to it.

So... Discord and... what the hell is "The Darkness"? Is it a kingdom hearts thing? If so, it turns away new people like myself who haven't played kingdom hearts.

This world of Light and Harmony shall gain a new guardian.

Nothing too bad here, just the double space is really disorienting.

Will he succeed in his quest and be able to protect this world or will he fail and let Darkness consume it?

Personally, I'm not a fan of ending the description of a story with a question. The best of those are mediocre at best, and the best ones are just statements.
For example,

"I have talked to Gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep. You may have heard of me."

sounds much cooler than

"Can anyone doubt I've talked to gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep? Have you heard of me?"

Overall, this description has told me nothing about the story itself. Is it about the invasion of a nation? Is it about Nightmare Moon's return? Is it based around a group of skilled mages in the capital? It could be, but I wouldn't know any of it thanks to this description. It's the first thing I've read and it's told me the basis of a character, and a possible conflict, but nothing substantial.

I will try to go through each chapter now and point out everything I can, so consider this the first installment.

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #8 · Jun 30th, 2017 · 1 · · Prologue ·

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Alright, chapter one, let's do this. Hang on... hang on, something's wrong here!

My bionicle OC that is a Keyblader enters the MLP-verse and helps the Main 6 protect Equestria, starting with Discord, and will be the record of his adventures in Equestria.

What is this? This is more informative than the actual description... and still has the double spaces. Tells us that the OC is a bionicle (who's also a keyblade user? Uh, alright. Also, I don't think Keyblader is a word.). Also confirms my theory that the villain would be Discord, which is overused. Not the Hero already eviscerated it, so I won't do anymore than point it out.

The sound of weapons fire and blades clashing echoed throughout the ancient City of the Mask Makers; a place that slept for a thousand years and within the past month, it had gone from a city lost to the ages to the heart of Okoto, the Toa had been called and the Prophecy of Light was fulfilled and darkness was defeated restoring peace and harmony to the island.

Huh... that's a lot for a single sentence. Let's unpack it. You started with a description of action, and not a weather report, so you get at least one point. Still have the double spaces (that's gonna be a problem, isn't it?). A lot of names I don't know *Okoto, Toa, City of the Mask Makers, Prophecy of Light, etc. I'm sure someone knows what this means.)

A young child, wearing a badly damaged mask of fire was running from

"was running"? No, the child "ran". Active, not passive.

a platoon of 80 identical skeletal warriors, armed with spears and bows, which had a six barrel automatic blaster at its center

A platoon is 80, and giving a number isn't nearly as intimidating. Just use "a platoon". Also, don't add that the automatic blaster had six barrels, just say, "armed with bows and spears with blasters attached near the base."

The Skull Warrior class of a notorious band of pirates called the Skull Raiders.

Uh... where's the verb? I'm not joking, I know "called" is a verb, but it's not part of the main sentence. You're missing one of the things that makes a sentence a sentence here, and an editor would have picked this out.

The child’s name was Tunua (Scorch),

Uh, thanks, buddy, but this is the wrong place for this. He's currently running for his life from a platoon of skeleton bandits, now's not the time for exposition! Also, don't use parenthesis in a story. It never goes well.

named for his likeness to Tahu and he was running for his life

No idea who "tahu" is, but whatever. Get back to the action and not this exposition.

as they were trying to capture anyone that would be a valuable hostage and who better than the nephew of Narmoto, the Protector of Fire.

Or... more exposition. That works too.

Tunua rounded a corner, directly into a dead-end alley; with nowhere to run he braced for the worst.

This is a brave use of a semicolon... and not one that was needed, but not bad. I would have split it into two sentences, something like,
"Tunua rounded a corner, directly into a dead-end alley. Turning back to the skeletons, he braced himself for the worst."

As the lead Warrior reached out to grab him, a thunderbolt came out of nowhere and hit the whole platoon, stunning them.

Uh... They're in an alley. Lightning comes from the sky... and Thunder is the noise itself, and can't be in a bolt form. I think you mean lightning bolt... and even that doesn't make sense.

Tunua looked up to see a flash of gold and red before being taken by his uncle, Narmoto, to The Forge

You could have really expanded on this, making them run through the stunned skeletons, through the burning streets, until they arrived to the Forge, not just saying "and now we're somewhere else and the tension is broken."

where all the other Protectors’ families were gathered as it was a safe place and was the ultimate high ground of the city.

And only the protectors, because bionicle racism... or something? I don't get it, don't you mean "where the remaining families were gathered" and not just "where the warrior caste's families were gathered"?

“Are you well?” asked Narmoto, worried for his nephew.

You could show rather than tell, like, "asked Narmoto, his eyes scanning the boy for any signs of damage." or something, not just saying "he's worried".

“I’m fine, uncle; thank you for saving me back there.” said Tunua, hugging his uncle.

Semicolon to period, capitalize the T, and erase the period after "there" and put in a comma.

“Your mask! What happened?” Said Narmoto,

Now you notice? seems a bit weird. Also, "said"? You did it the right way twice and fail on the third? I would remove "said" and turn the sentence afterwards into its own sentence, such as bringing up a hand to the mask.

seeing the barely intact mask that had fallen off of Tunua.

"barely intact"? You mean "broken"?

Tunua explained that while he was playing in the arena with his friends when the attack started and in the panic, was separated from them and ran into the platoon of Skull Raiders and while being pursued had been hit by the shockwave of one of their bombs and was launched into a wall, damaging his mask.

Thank God the story didn't tell us, and, instead, the narrator did. Do you know how much better it would have been to see all this? Starting the story at the arena, and then BOOM! raiders in the house killing people!

“Uncle?” Tunua asked Narmoto, “Who was that being that stunned the Raiders?”

You know, these names are just downright confusing. That's one scratch against ya'.

“Follow me; I’ll tell you as we walk.” said Narmoto,

Stop using semicolons! I'm sorry to say it, but I would ban you from using them for a year. Also, comma at the end, not period.

heading to Ekimu’s workshop to get Tunua’s mask fixed.

I have no idea what any of this is... you see the problem now, yes? I don't know bionicle, and can easily be lost. And before you say, "This story isn't for you!" your the author. I can point you to a recent story by Ponibus that, despite me never reading the complementary universe stories, I could understand.

Blaze hails from the city of Metru Nui, where he worked as a mask maker in the district of Ta-Metru.

HELLO RANDOM EXPOSITION! Jesus christ, who the hell is Blaze? This is our introduction of him, and it's just thrown in our face as exposition. Bad, bad author!

He was a head taller than most other Matoran and was easily identified by his unique yellow mask.

Okay... thanks for the description, I guess?

In his spare time he experimented with combining energized protodermis and antidermis.

Oh, alright, a nice hobby... thanks for the exposition, again.

One night, a star went hyper nova and a ray of light hit Blaze, rendering him unconscious. After awaking, he found an unusual weapon resting by his forge:

Alright, seriously buddy, this is too much exposition for someone we... no, wait, it's too much exposition for any first chapter.

it was approximately ¾ of a bio (1.0275 meters, a bio is 1.37 meters)

What? Why do we need to know this? Providing numbers doesn't help... also, meters? interesting choice.

in length and was shaped like a key.

Oh... .Oh, okay, so Blaze is the main OC... SO WHO THE HELL WERE WE JUST FOLLOWING?!

The bit was shaped like a crown and on the opposing end, the hilt’s grip had black leather and the hilt guard was pure red, hexagonal and had twelve spikes coming off of it and appeared to be made of some sort of steel.

Why should I care?! There's a raid on the city going on, and people are dying! Why are we here discussing weapon's looks?!

He picked it up and he saw the same thing as the previous night but, at a closer view of the star’s core.

Uh... what? Star's core? Huh? What the hell are you talking about? THe SuperNova? Those are literally only a few seconds long, and he was knocked unconscious!

Upon the moment of collapse, the only thing remaining was a fiery weapon identical to the one Blaze held in his hand.

Uh... huh...? I don't know what's going on anymore, did the star explode into a keyblade, or did the star explode giving him a keyblade or both?

His mind returned to the forge and one name echoed in his mind:

Ah, yes, "I was just given a weird weapon from the heavens after a star literally exploded... welp, back to the daily grind!"

“Hypernova Keyblade”.

*reads sentence again* That's what's on your mind? What the hell does that have to do with anything? And why instantly keyblade? It's honestly more of a key-axe, as blades are usually sharp all the way down, and the keyblade is sharp only on one end so... yeah... a smith would know this.

Over the course of time, Blaze mastered his new weapon and used it to construct a ring-shaped device he called a Hypergate.

Um... I'm sorry, can we get back to the actual important stuff, like Not exposition. Please?

After revealing it to the seven Turaga of the city, Hypernova began to glow and from it, a beam of light shot at the center of the Hypergate and activated it.

More exposition and now actually showing, it's mah favorite.

But, the gate was imperfect and released a gravity wave that sucked Blaze into it. The device broke into 9 fragments and they fell at the Turaga’s feet.

Uh... alright? So... what happened everywhere else?

After feeling like a Le-Matoran just hit him with a level 9 teleport disk, Blaze looked around and saw he was on a very different island to his home; instead of the buildings, transport chutes and aircraft he was so used to, Blaze saw vast jungles and great mountains and before him was a huge city of stone that seemed to be floating on the clouds below it, and the only way in or out was a wide bridge with an observation deck at its center.

Run on sentences, also my favorites. So, let's break it down.
Part 1: Bad attempt at a joke.
Part 2: REMOVE THE SEMI COLON! Periods didn't murder your families, you'll be fine if you touch it.
Part 3: So... he's in Equestria now? Huh?
Alright, hang on, let me stop you here... where the hell did the rest of the story go? You know, the interesting bits with the flaming city and probably dying child?

Wanting to learn where in Mata Nui he was, Blaze asked a blue and gold being who stood about one bio (1.37 meters) tall who had a golden crown-like mask with strange runes on it about this place. The being said his name was Ekimu and that he was a mask maker; he told Blaze that the island he was on was called Okoto and when Blaze asked Ekimu if he know which way Metru Nui was, the Okotan-as he said was the term for his people-said that he never heard of it. Blaze was in shock, how could someone not have heard of Metru Nui? Seeing the new arrival’s confusion, Ekimu took Blaze to the observatory and showed him the charts of the night sky. It was then that Blaze had learned that not only was he not near Metru Nui, he was actually in another dimension entirely. After the shock of this revelation had passed, Blaze asked if there was a place to stay. Ekimu said that he would allow Blaze to reside in his forge at the cost of being allowed to study Hypernova. Blaze agreed and they soon arrived at the forge which was the large anvil-shaped building that he saw earlier. Blaze handed Ekimu the Keyblade and shortly thereafter, the weapon vanished with a flash of light from Ekimu’s hand and returned likewise to Blaze’s. The old mask maker concluded that this weapon chooses its wielder and couldn’t be handled by anyone other than its chosen bearer. The two studied the blade over the course of the next morning and during this time Blaze learned how to use his weapon to control the elements like the Toa could. Once finished studying Hypernova, Ekimu moved to a collection of crates and pulled out a red crystal that was the size of one’s fist that glowed with a strange light. Curious, Blaze watched as Ekimu took the crystal and melted it in a roaring furnace, poured the liquid into a mold and removed a shape that was all too familiar to Blaze: a Mask of Power. Ekimu then gave the mask to a small red Okotan who sat outside the forge. After this, Blaze went and took some kanoka disks he always had on him for use of self-defense. He picked out a pair of level seven disks; one had a grow ability and the other had the regeneration ability, and used a tool called a firestaff to fuse the disks and then carve out a helmet-like shape; a Kanohi Hau Nuva or Great Mask of Shielding. When Blaze went to put it on to see if he was successful, Ekimu asked what the mask was. Blaze was startled and instinctively activated the mask’s power, causing it to glow crimson and create a dome of energy around himself that would deflect all anticipated attacks while turning towards the sound’s source. Seeing that it was Ekimu and that the mask was successfully crafted, Blaze removed the Hau and switched back to his normal mask and explained the mask and how he made it. Ekimu, seeing that Blaze was an excellent mask maker, offered to teach the Okotan method of mask making in exchange of learning how to make masks like the one Blaze just made.

I didn't read this. It's too big, and its sentences literally run together to the point of not being readable. "he did this. They did that. This happened." Where's the spice of life?! Where's the interesting bits? Also, I suppose I should mention it here... What is up with the name "blaze"? All the other bionicles have random letter names that I don't get, but then "Blaze"? A distinctly human word? What the hell?

Blaze agreed and both mask makers taught each other all they knew about their art. Blaze learned that masks here were made from crystals of pure elemental energy and that only one crystal type is to be used in a mask’s creating otherwise its power would go out of control. Upon seeing how quickly Ekimu made a successful Kakama Nuva-Mask of Speed-on the first attempt, Blaze asked Ekimu how this was accomplished. Ekimu’s response was that his mask was the Mask of Creation and Blaze nodded and continued his teaching. After a few weeks, Blaze had successfully forged his first Okotan mask which contained the element of Fire and went to give it to the young villager who requested it. The villager took the mask and left without a word.

I love it when weeks pass without anything actually happening to further the story.

And I just cut out the rest of the story for one simple reason... There's no MLP. There's a ton of OC stuff, and just long description of events and blah blah blah! There's nothing interesting happening, it's just a giant exposition dump with nothing interesting happening. I will likely change the format for the rest of the chapters, just so I can retain my sanity rather than comment on the same thing (Too long of paragraphs that are just exposition dumps over and over again).

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #9 · Jun 30th, 2017 · 2 · · Dawn Of Fire ·

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Well, onward to the *actual* chapter 1, apparently. Alright, sure.

“Grrrr! Why do these attacks always happen when I finally have had a good week that it gets spoiled by an attack?” Said Blaze,

Oh, you know, I hate it when people attack when I'm in a good mood. Seeing friends and children die just ruins the whole week, y'know? Yeah, Blaze just moved to the unlikable camp (rather than the neutral camp)

More mumbo-jumbo about the teleportation sequence, a "vision" that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and the actual protectors seem to really, really trust this new guy. Even though he's just a blacksmith's apprentice, and not a trained soldier. But they seem to really trust him to save a planet. Sure. Why not.

“HOOOOOOOOOTTTTTT!!!! FIND WATER AND PUT OUT MYSELF OUT ASAP!!!!!” The next thing he knew, he crashed into a giant lake filled with...chocolate milk?

Ah, yes, Always Chocolate milk, never something original, because, Discord, the embodiment of chaos, is just too uncreative.

“Give us our wings and horns back!” Blaze checks and sees that his wings also vanished

You changed tense. Keep present tense or past tense, stop flipping between them. Also, just copying from the show adds nothing to your fic unless it's for a very real purpose.

“Blaze...wing Inferno? Yeah, Blazewing Inferno, folks call me Blaze for short and you?’ She responds:

Besides the absolutely murdered Grammar here... "Blazewing Inferno". For a Bionicle, he sure knows how to name himself distinctly pony related. Also, I'm sorry, but did you just put in an OC that is the same name as your actual FimFiction username? No. Don't do that. EVER. That is the #1 telltale mark of a self-insert, in case it wasn't already assumed, and self inserts are universally bad. It leaves a bad taste in the readers mouth, and not one I would ever, EVER want to taste.

As for the rest of it (I admit, I skimmed through it), it seems the standard, "New OC gonna save the world 'cause the main cast just can't handle it!" Now excuse me while I yawn. This story is a dime per hundred, and isn't unique in any way. I can't even bother mustering hate for it, as it's incapable of being good enough to hate, like some of the popular stories of its genre.

Look, I'm gonna tell you this right now, as it's just my advice. I know it's not gonna be easy to hear, but you need to hear it. This story needs to be abandoned. You will gain nothing from writing it. It's a crossover with a tired premise, and a plot that is completely standard. You need to get a few stories under your belt before writing a long story, and the best thing you could do would be to put this on "cancelled" and think of a quick one-shot. If you want, I'll edit it and help you learn from the mistakes, but this story is not salvageable.

Anyways, this part is done, I'll continue going through this another time should you desire.

Blazewing Inferno

Blazewing Inferno #10 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · 1 · Return of Harmony ·

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8265502
Umm, may I ask what in the name of Mata Nui you're doing? I'm a bit unsettled that you are practically copying and pasting what I wrote into the comments you write.

(After I had read the comment) Wow, thanks for being honest. I'll keep your thoughts and concerns in mind and hope to speak with you later on regarding this.

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #11 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266683
It's pointing out what in the story drove me to say what I did. It's basically an attempt to give context on what I'm talking about, or to give an example. For example, in one comment,

The Skull Warrior class of a notorious band of pirates called the Skull Raiders.
Uh... where's the verb? I'm not joking, I know "called" is a verb, but it's not part of the main sentence. You're missing one of the things that makes a sentence a sentence here, and an editor would have picked this out.

It shows you the sentence, and then I, afterwards, say what a problem is. However, the second reason for me doing it is to make it easier on me. Instead of scrolling up and down, keeping my place, and only taking what I need, I can copy-paste the story in a comment, and just go through it here, where I can gather my thoughts in the same place I'm writing. Would you prefer I not do this in the future?

Blazewing Inferno

Blazewing Inferno #12 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266694
I'm sorry, I didn't exactly have much in my mind when trying to find an editor mainly because I was worried it would either cause problems or cost money to hire. I was merely confused at your method of review and criticism. If it isn't too much to ask, do you know anyone willing to help me revise this story?

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #13 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266699
Cost money? If someone is asking for money just for editing Fanfiction, they are scum. There are plenty of groups you can post in to get help, as for this story... well, I've said my peace about it.

Blazewing Inferno

Blazewing Inferno #14 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266706
Personally, I don't want to abandon it. You don't just throw away a lego set if you do it wrong; you look at what's wrong and try to fix it.

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #15 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266712
Fair point, but trying to build a lego set out of straws and glue isn't going to get it going either. A story on a fanfiction site needs a strong foundation.

Blazewing Inferno

Blazewing Inferno #16 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266719
and that's where edits, revisions and help from writers that know what they are doing comes into play. I know I suck at writing and I want to enjoy this craft and write good stories. I posted this as a way to start out. And from your comments, I can say that I am getting some helpful criticism.

stupidhand14

stupidhand14 #17 · Jun 30th, 2017 · 1 · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266723
Welp, I wish you luck. If ya need help with another story, feel free to message me.

Blazewing Inferno

Blazewing Inferno #18 · Jun 30th, 2017 · · · Return of Harmony ·

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8266724
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. And thank you for your comments. If you know anyone willing to help me edit and revise this, I would greatly appreciate it.

TheMrsKayros

TheMrsKayros #19 · Sep 10th, 2017 · 1 · · Prologue ·

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Hello there!
So as said, I started today.
First impression: I was very confused.
I know this is your first try and, as per usual, it takes a lot of practice to find the way to communicate what's in the mind to the readers.
As you told me, is rushed and there are a lots of things happening at the same time. We readers, have very little information about what's going on and the details that we get are not relevant for the main course course of action.
I didn't have anything to tell me what they are so I was just imagining normal people, it wasn't until I read stupid hand's comment that I learned you are talking about Bionicals, since I am not familiar with them I still don't really get a hint of what is going on. From this prologue we just get a lot of incomplete information and details that aren't enough to get a first image or idea of the kind of story you are going to tell.
For now I'm just sticking to the assumption that Blaze is the main character.
Still, I'm excited to know more and see how this relates to MLP.

Blazewing Inferno

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