• Published 30th Jun 2017
  • 751 Views, 19 Comments

The Chronicle of The Hidden Key - Blazewing Inferno



My bionicle OC that is a Keyblader enters the MLP-verse and helps the Main 6 protect Equestria, starting with Discord, and will be the record of his adventures in Equestria.

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Return of Harmony

Chapter 5: The Return of Harmony

“Bravo, ponies; bravo! Harmony in Equestria is officially dead; Discord rules, Celestia drools.” Twilight growls like an enraged dog at Discord as he laughs at her and skates off. After the four mares leave with very painful remarks toward Twilight, she yells,

“Fine! Leave! See if I care! I don’t need you guys either. With friends like you who needs,” hanging her head low in depression, she says softly,

“enemies.” Upon finishing that statement, Twilight greys out as well, signifying her defeat. She sheds a tear that leaves a puddle in the shape of a broken heart. At the library, Blaze’s headache reaches migraine levels and he screams in agony shortly before turning into his Okotan form but wearing a tattered, faded red and gold cloak with the hood up. She mopily walks home with a small cloud raining on her. As she’s walking, she passes by many overturned homes, rabbit/giraffe stampedes, a line of bison ballerinas, ponies running in the air, pies flying up, Screwball just floating around, and Discord laughing as he teleports showing Twilight a scene of some more chaos, which she doesn’t react to. Discord takes the cotton candy cloud with a cotton candy cone telling her to get into the spirit of things. Looking at all the Chaos she says,

“Not anymore.” And resumes her previous course to the library. She returns after nightfall and tells Spike to pack his things. Looking like he’s got the worst stomachache, he groans something.

“Don’t ask where we’re going ‘cause...I don’t know yet. Just not here.” She says as she readies a suitcase and throws her element into a trash bin.

Groaning, writhing and clutching his stomach Spike says,

“Can’t move. The Princess has been sending these since I came back upstairs to help Blaze.” He points at the cloaked figure sitting by the pile of scrolls. The figure’s only visible features are that he’s metallic, apelike and has glowing red eyes, which flickered as he spoke,

“Yes, every time he burps; the fire turns into one of these scrolls, and they all bear your name and a ‘Princess Celestia’.” He hands one to Twilight. She reads all of them out loud and using his mask of Telepathy, he sees all the memories that are running through Twilight’s mind and as she reads, her color returns. She tells the now weary Spike her discovery and reminisces about her first day in Ponyville. She lays Spike down in his basket and turns to the cloaked figure,

“Who are you?” she asks.

“I am both a stranger and a friend, Miss Sparkle; we recently met.” said he, showing her the now grey Kanohi Kiril he wore earlier.

“Blaze?! What happened to you?” Twilight asks, shocked at how the elemental changed into a weird robotic being.

“Your answers will come in time but first, we need to help your friends.” Blaze said. The being got up and outstretched his right hand and with a flash of pure Light and Fire, the Hypernova Keyblade appeared. Saving her questions for later, the two left Spike to rest and recover.

At Sweet Apple Acres, things were like a dog house: Pigs were literally flying, Big Mac was behaving like some canine, Granny Smith was tap dancing like she was on Broadway, and Applejack: she was telling lie after lie about how she was abandoned by her friends and beat Discord herself. Blaze and Twilight tackled AJ after a quick trade of remarks.

“Ready?” said Twilight to Blaze, who nodded yes and used his Keyblade’s power to open up AJ’s heart combined with Twilight’s spell. After the spell was cast, AJ’s color returned to normal. After regaining her bearings, Applejack noticed the Keyblade Wielder and was about to ask about him but then saw her friend and apologized for all that happened. And Twilight accepted the apology, and so they went restoring the others as each was in a predicament of their own; after Rarity was restored they disposed of the boulder whilst agreeing to never speak of this event again. They got Pinkie Pie back and she was laughing about the fact that she turned grey, Blaze asked Twilight if this was normal; to which she responded,

“That’s only the tip of the iceberg; just don’t question it.” Blaze shrugged and used a Kanohi Kadin, Mask of Flight, to help search for Rainbow at her cloud house. Pinkie Pie pointed out that Rainbow was reclining on a nearby cloud.

“We’ve been looking everywhere for you. We need your help to beat Discord with your Element; Loyalty!” Twilight yelled to the color-muted pony.

“Loyalty, Shmoy-alty! I’m staying here in Cloudsdale where everything is awesome!” She says as she returns to her reclining. Rarity asks aloud,

“How in Equestria could she think that tiny patch of clouds is Cloudsdale?” In unison, Blaze and Applejack answer,

“The same way he got you to think that cheap rock was a bona fide diamond.” Rarity winces at this then says,

“I thought we agreed to never speak of that again.” Blaze was barely containing his laughter.

“Time for Plan B!” Says Twilight.

Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie ascend in a hot air balloon with Fluttershy and Blaze flying alongside it. They review the plan and Fluttershy wakes up Rainbow Dash to inform her that she’s gonna be held down against her will. Blaze face palms with a resounding clang of his hand hitting his mask. Rainbow then takes the cloud and AJ lassos her basically leashing her.

After grounding Rainbow, Blaze and Twilight use their combined restoration spell and bring back Rainbow Dash.
In Ponyville, Discord is sitting upon a throne, laughing at all the Chaos around him and bending the laws of reality so that when he drinks a glass of milk, the glass itself is drunk but the milk is solid and when thrown acts like a pack of touch C4.

“Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing!” Blaze hears Discord yell, then the explosion from the thrown chocolate milk.

He and the Element Bearers march up to him.

“Not as wonderful as Friendship!” proclaims Twilight with the other standing behind her, Elements and Keyblade at the ready. Discord pulls AJ by her element,

“Oh Applejack, don’t lie to me. I’m the one who made you a Liar.” He then drags the others, apart from Twilight and Blaze, in the same manner so they are hovering in front of him,

“Won’t you ever learn?” Blaze and Twilight combine their power to teleport to the group and create a shield around the others and when it lands, the ground that enters it returns to normal.

“I’ll tell what we’ve learned, Discord!” Says Twilight,

“We’ve learned that friendship isn’t always easy but, there’s no doubt that it’s worth fighting for!” Discord cringe-groans,

“Gag me! Fine! Go ahead, try and use your little Elements; friend me. Just make it quick.” He teleports back to his throne,

“I’m missing some excellent Chaos here.” He reclines in his throne with a smug look on his face.

The others grouped so that Blaze was between Twilight and Discord,

“Alright, everyone! Let’s show him what friendship can do!” And they began to charge their items, but Pinkie had to get one last helping of chocolate rain before it was over. She joined the others, growling at Discord. They began charging their powers and closed their eyes in concentration. Discord yawned to show his unimpressed state but was cut short when the Elements, save Magic and Blaze, began to pulse and fire laser-like projectiles randomly across the world. Discord saw what was happening,

“NOOOOOOOO!!!” he shouted as the seven rose into the air. Twilight opened her eyes, which were glowing with pure Magic and the combined power of the Elements of Harmony. Blaze yells,

“Now, As One!” as he raises Hypernova skyward acting as a lightning rod focusing that combined power into one attack as a double helix rainbow collided with his own blast, opening his eyes and his cloak now gone, he shouted,

“We will not be broken; This is the power of Unity, Discord!” With that the attack hit Discord, petrifying him back into a marble statue and restoring the world to normal.


After the Element bearers walked up to Celestia, Blaze was there in his tattered cloak, hood drawn. The Princess proclaimed to all present:

“We are gathered here today, to once again honor the heroism of these six friends who stood up to the villain, Discord. And saved Equestria from Eternal Chaos. And, I am pleased to announce the newly forged alliance between our world and the worlds of Okoto and Spherus Magna! And honor the Keyblade Wielder who helped in this struggle to protect this land from forces of Darkness”

She nods to Blaze whom turns towards the crowd and removes his cloak revealing his true form to all in the room. He turns back towards Celestia and bows. The group of seven turn to their right as Celestia unveils a stained glass window depicting them petrifying Discord. Then Hypernova appears in Blaze’s hand as at the middle of the window a Keyhole appears. The Kingdom Hearts Crown symbol ignites beneath Blaze sending him to the gateway of Equestria’s heart. He fires a blast into the Keyhole not only acting as a protection against The Darkness but also, integrating Equestria into the Hypergate Network. The blinding light fades and all cheer, taking it as a sign of good things to come. And an etheric matoran stands next to Blazewing Inferno: Keyblade Wielder, Elemental of Fire, Mask Maker and friend of Equestria.

Author's Note:

That's my first 6 chapters. I will be working with another in future installments in this story. If you guys have suggestions; I'd love to hear them, just keep them in Season 2 for the time being. Leave your thoughts, tips and constructive criticism in the comments below. Thanks so much for reading this and have an awesome day! If anyone knows someone who cando artwork and music please let me know and I'll try to reach them.

Comments ( 16 )
Comment posted by Blazewing Inferno deleted Jun 30th, 2017

8265020
I used the Episodes as my platform. Too much?

Well. This was... interesting.

The grammar. It's so painful that I feel like I'm reading a badly translated manga. Just, you know, without the pictures to help me make sense of things.

I suppose I should preface this by saying this initial statement is before I've even read the story, but it is something so obvious that I feel like I need to point it out now, if only to save you some trouble. Until I say so, this segment is based on the description, and how it looks for a prospective reader, so bear with me.
1) The subject is over used. Keyblade OC comes to Ponyville (and I would like to point out that there is a lack of a human tag, so... score a point for not doing an HiE)
2) The cover art is a keyblade. Those are a dime for two dozen. Little tip: Unless you are an exceptional writer, keep the word "keyblade" out of the story.
3) Little tip from me to you: write a couple one-shots before jumping head first into a long, drawn out story. It'll help you improve your writing, get you a small group of followers (if you're good/lucky), and will help you improve much more than a single long story will. Trust me, I made that mistake.
4) I notice a distinct lack of editor/proof reader mentions, meaning I must assume you had none, which is never good. This site is full of groups willing to help. Heck, if you offer to edit someone's story, after a while, you can ask them to edit yours and form an actual bond with another person.

Anyways, those are just things prior to me actually reading and trying to help, so let me go from there and into the description.

This is the tale of a Keyblade Wielder from Okoto,

I refer to my Keyblade comment from before. Also, why is there two spaces between Keyblade and Wielder?

he had constructed a means of travel to other universes and all had been as normal until a world cried out.

Small tip, when writing, use the active voice, not the passive. In this case, "he constructed" over "he had constructed". Just makes it better, and again, another double space. Also "had been as normal" is awkward phrasing.

Chaos has been unleashed and now threatens to summon The Darkness to it.

So... Discord and... what the hell is "The Darkness"? Is it a kingdom hearts thing? If so, it turns away new people like myself who haven't played kingdom hearts.

This world of Light and Harmony shall gain a new guardian.

Nothing too bad here, just the double space is really disorienting.

Will he succeed in his quest and be able to protect this world or will he fail and let Darkness consume it?

Personally, I'm not a fan of ending the description of a story with a question. The best of those are mediocre at best, and the best ones are just statements.
For example,

"I have talked to Gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep. You may have heard of me."

sounds much cooler than

"Can anyone doubt I've talked to gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep? Have you heard of me?"

Overall, this description has told me nothing about the story itself. Is it about the invasion of a nation? Is it about Nightmare Moon's return? Is it based around a group of skilled mages in the capital? It could be, but I wouldn't know any of it thanks to this description. It's the first thing I've read and it's told me the basis of a character, and a possible conflict, but nothing substantial.

I will try to go through each chapter now and point out everything I can, so consider this the first installment.

8265502
Umm, may I ask what in the name of Mata Nui you're doing? I'm a bit unsettled that you are practically copying and pasting what I wrote into the comments you write.

(After I had read the comment) Wow, thanks for being honest. I'll keep your thoughts and concerns in mind and hope to speak with you later on regarding this.

8266683
It's pointing out what in the story drove me to say what I did. It's basically an attempt to give context on what I'm talking about, or to give an example. For example, in one comment,

The Skull Warrior class of a notorious band of pirates called the Skull Raiders.

Uh... where's the verb? I'm not joking, I know "called" is a verb, but it's not part of the main sentence. You're missing one of the things that makes a sentence a sentence here, and an editor would have picked this out.

It shows you the sentence, and then I, afterwards, say what a problem is. However, the second reason for me doing it is to make it easier on me. Instead of scrolling up and down, keeping my place, and only taking what I need, I can copy-paste the story in a comment, and just go through it here, where I can gather my thoughts in the same place I'm writing. Would you prefer I not do this in the future?

8266694
I'm sorry, I didn't exactly have much in my mind when trying to find an editor mainly because I was worried it would either cause problems or cost money to hire. I was merely confused at your method of review and criticism. If it isn't too much to ask, do you know anyone willing to help me revise this story?

8266699
Cost money? If someone is asking for money just for editing Fanfiction, they are scum. There are plenty of groups you can post in to get help, as for this story... well, I've said my peace about it.

8266706
Personally, I don't want to abandon it. You don't just throw away a lego set if you do it wrong; you look at what's wrong and try to fix it.

8266712
Fair point, but trying to build a lego set out of straws and glue isn't going to get it going either. A story on a fanfiction site needs a strong foundation.

8266719
and that's where edits, revisions and help from writers that know what they are doing comes into play. I know I suck at writing and I want to enjoy this craft and write good stories. I posted this as a way to start out. And from your comments, I can say that I am getting some helpful criticism.

8266723
Welp, I wish you luck. If ya need help with another story, feel free to message me.

8266724
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. And thank you for your comments. If you know anyone willing to help me edit and revise this, I would greatly appreciate it.

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