Mattronus crash lands in Equestria from space to avoid the carnage that is ensuing on his home world. As he spends more time in Equestria, he meets new friends and old acquaintances as he experiences his own adventures throughout Equestria. (Also, check back occasionally, you never know when a new chapter will be added! Episode one might not be as good as the second, so don't judge a book by its cover! I also plan on reworking the series in the future so everyone acts how they are suppose to be, motivation and inspiration just hasn't come my way yet.)
Chapters (3)
My first episode ain't gonna be that good, and this is also my first time my stories are on a public website, so go easy on me plz. Feedback is greatly appreciated so I can improve on what the community likes and doesn't like about the series depending on how well it does or will do.
Welcome to Fimfiction, fellow newbie!
Writing in present tense can be tricky, and although you did a pretty good job, there still exist a few "off" areas, as well as many fixable punctuation/grammar issues. Here's an example of problem tenses:
Watch out for passive voice, as well; make sure that the subject of the sentence is doing the action, rather than receiving the action (you can click on the "help" button at the top of Fimfiction for the "writing guide" page). Here's an example:
This is technically a correct sentence, although it comes off as rather boring--exactly who is wiping the plate clean? "The creatures wipe the plate clean in a minute" works a lot better and sounds much more lively.
---------
Also I see assorted areas where you could, instead of telling the readers what is happening, you could show them. For instance--
The aforementioned paragraph could be rewritten like this:
"What the--" A spray of bullets catches Twilight off-guard, and she tosses up a magic wall behind herself, but she doesn't count on Mattronus's tenacity--or his miniguns--and the bullets continue pelting the shield. Despite its caster's efforts, the shield cracks, and Mattronus launches himself at the helpless princess, landing punch after punch on her delicate hide. Then, swinging his metal tail, he strikes Twilight across the ribs and sends her skidding across the ground in a cloud of dust. The alicorn crashes headfirst into a boulder and lies still, and Mattronus roars in anger or triumph--Twilight's horrified friends can't tell--and flies away on wings of steel.
----------
Lastly, Twilight doesn't seem very in-character here; even after Rainbow Dash's injury she seems too eager to "battle" this mysterious stranger (like a Pokémon trainer) and less inclined to get to know him on a dignified, careful level (like a princess). On that note, Mattronus does not come off as a very likable character. He seems cynical and too full of himself for readers to connect with him or even care about him, since he seems all-powerful, considering he's able to knock Twilight Sparkle--an alicorn princess who has saved Equestria many times over--unconscious after only a few minutes. Perhaps his egotism is part of his nature and will be dealt with later, but as of now I don't really feel strongly about him one way or the other, and that is a dangerous place for a character to be.
8264377
thx for the feedback! I'll be sure to write my future stories in a better tense so that they make more sense. This is greatly appreciated of you!
8264462
You are very welcome--best of luck!