- Member Since 13th Jun, 2017
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
Darth Severus
Brony, Star Wars nut, Former Marine, BA in English, minor in creative writing, OCD and on the Autistic Spectrum
Darth Severus
Joined 13th Jun, 2017 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Before I begin with the meat of the story, I'm going to start with the two summaries you put out - specifically, the parts I put in quotations. They contradict.
It is explicitly said by the first (long) summary that Astral Shadow (I like the name, btw) is shy. Yet at the same time, he's more than eager to launch his fist into the face of his harasser. While I can safely say that most of us would enjoy the chance to do that, this doesn't go well with the idea that he's "shy". A shy person would most likely choose to avoid a confrontation or try to pull out of one instead of actively participating in it. A shy person would NOT jump at the chance to fight. In the second (short) summary, it claims that Astral has trouble making up friends. Yet, he's somehow able to open up to a group of girls - presumably the main cast of characters we know and love - just like that? I'm pretty sure that if he was so socially inept, he'd have trouble with them as he would for anyone else. I mean, does he have trouble making friends, or not?
>Implying some of them need protection.
Onto the main story.
In the intro paragraphs, Astral Shadow comes off as the recluse I'd expect. He's speaking with Principal Celestia, she opts to get him acquainted with a group of girls who are well acquainted with the magic of friendship in order to help him make friends. But instead of the "Mane Six" I was expecting, I'm immediately met with both them and the Shadowbolts. Now in considering recent events, I can understand why Twilight's there. But the other Shadowbolts should still be at Crystal Prep. Why are they there? Did they just suddenly get transferred? Are they visiting? Is it a little too much to ask for an explanation?
CRINGE.
No, I'm not referring to the idea of Sour Sweet having bipolar disorder. That's fine. What's not is the awkward pun on her name. It's just... out of place, and it doesn't feel like something that she'd say. In addition to that, there are several following points of dialogue that are just as cringe-worthy as what was said above:
Smells like flanderization.
I am seriously beginning to wonder if this guy actually traveled through time from the medieval era. Who talks like this? And just what place in the My Little Pony world could be as depressing as he describes? I'm eager to know.
A more notable piece is said by Rarity, although it is somewhat fitting for her. It's not notable because of that, but because she talks about something very odd about Astral.
Why is the dude wearing a cape? There's only two people who wear capes in times like this: people who are superheroes, and people who are trying too hard to be superheroes. Considering that this guy is a human (from where I see things), it can be safely said that he falls into the latter category. I'd also like to note that only the belt and cape are explicitly mentioned. Is the rest of him naked? Like, come on, at least describe the rest of his clothes and not just part of them.
Back to the dialogue. During the walk to his house (which ends up being the walk to Indigo's house), the entire conversation between them feels like a pity party for Astral Shadow. His parents don't love each other (or him), he's homeless, he lives out on the streets instead of a shelter... correct me if I'm picking at this wrong, but the troubles he has on his shoulders is just too over-the-top. One in his shoes would expect to be in a much worse condition than he is, what with the lack of access to proper hygiene, food and whatever else that's needed to properly live.
And with that piece of cringe-worthy dialogue comes one of the most face-palm worthy scenes I've read. Here is where the earlier mentioned contradiction kicks in; Astral suddenly turns from a shy recluse from a cocky, bold and fearless fighter. The shift is so abrupt, it could be easily explained by him having bipolar disorder. He tanks a punch from a bigger, muscular guy without so much as flinching despite the fact that he shouldn't even be in a condition to do so. He doesn't just punch or kick back, like you'd expect from the average/inexperienced street fighter. No, he has to click his heels like Dorothy and do a back-flip drop kick on this guy. Because why?
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The only people that I've seen capable of doing this are experienced martial artists and soldiers of the special operations variety. There is no possible way an average teenager - an average, homeless teenager - could do the same thing. You can't just dismiss all of it with fighting being natural for him. It's just a big old middle finger to reasoning and logic.
But wait! Maybe he isn't so normal, after all! Maybe he isn't human, either! Why am I saying this, you ask?
....this is what broke me.
Were you trying to incorporate elements from Dragon Ball Z into this? A natural love of fighting, a natural instinct to fight, weighted clothing.... it sounds more and more like you made a DBZ Saiyan/Namek OC and inserted it into the Equestria Girls universe. Dragon Ball Z does not mix with My Little Pony - not unless you're able to pull it off extremely well. What's been done here is far below "extremely well". It's not even "average". Should I expect this guy to start shooting planet-destroying energy beams from his hands? Should I expect him to bring down an entire city with one punch? Should I expect any of the superhuman feats from DBZ to come into fruition here?
....that's all I can say on the matter. Before you write any more, I ask that you kindly consider what you've made of this chapter so far and what I've mentioned. Thank you.
8255598
I appreciate the constructive criticism, I really do. I admit, this isn't the first crossover I've done between Dragon Ball and MLP. As for some of your concerns, Astral Shadow just arrived in Canterlot, so he doesn't have a home yet, he hasn't been sleeping in the streets and he hasn't found a shelter. Looking back at it, that Sweet Sour pun... I completely regret it. As for your concerns about the Ki blasts, Astral Shadow lost those abilities upon entering the EG universe. But I appreciate your advice and hope that you'll find my later chapters better than this one.
So awesom.
well certainly better than the first chapter i'll give you that, i'll keep reading, but there's something about this that's annoying or something and i can't really place my finger on it. i'd say the cape but i love capes to so that ain't it
8415198
Maybe it's the forth wall break at the end?
8415241
no those i have always found funny and just hilarious. IDK it might be his character? idk what is honestly bothering me about the story. I'll keep reading but damn if it's not bugging me not knowing that
8415249
Maybe it's just the fact that it's a MLP/Dragon Ball crossover. Somebody did say in the first chapter that Dragon Ball doesn't mix well with MLP
8429769
idk,but like i said i'll keep reading (mainly because you put the shadowbolts in this i can't find that many stories with sugarcoat in romance.)
Cool keep update it pls
Is this a harem fic?
10611554
I honestly haven't decided who Astral Shadow's main love interest will be