• Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Tuesday

CrimsonEquine


Improvement is a dire mistress.

Comments ( 16 )

If Twilight read this story, what would she do to you?

8243856
excuse me?

Did you even read the story?

JackRipper
Moderator

This could really use an editor, it's far too brief and cluttered to have the impact that you're looking for. I'd suggest spacing out the paragraphs, expanding upon the story as a whole, and not using such clinical language. :unsuresweetie:

8243962
Okay, what!? It has plenty of descriptive details. Like, why do I keep hearing that statement "Clinical Language", like wtf.

JackRipper
Moderator

8243970
While being descriptive is key to establishing imagery, scenes of intimacy suffer with lack of subtlety.

For instance:

They raced, stampeding through the competition towards the egg cell that their mother and sister had welcomed for them.

This sounds less like something intimate and more like something out of a biology textbook. Being tactful allows the story to be more impactful.

8243978
explain the tactful part.

JackRipper
Moderator

8243982
Sometimes less is more. The more you leave to the reader's imagination, the better the effect in terms of sheer arousal.

Of course, you have to give enough context to allow readers to understand what's going on. But when it comes to length, strive to mean the most in the least amount of words. (This is advice taken from Kurt Vonnegut)

8243994
but, how do I keep it descriptive without it being boring?

JackRipper
Moderator

8244005
Through experience and practice, which is part of the reason I suggested an editor.

I believe that everyone needs one, regardless of skill level. They'll help you with your structure and prose. :twilightsmile:

8244017
okay, well thank you so much, it helps a lot, I"ll try to get one.

JackRipper
Moderator

8244031
Glad to help. :twilightsheepish:

The flavor of his seed, the very same taste that she herself must have been when she was sperm

:rainbowderp:

Liked the story, but some of the descriptions were kind of cheesy and a little cliche (especially the death and life bit) but I do like the concept.

8244893
C'mon, if there is one nerd that would wonder If she used to taste like the Sperm in her mouth that nerd is twilight.

Lol all the sperm shit was hillarious. Someone's spent way too much time thinking about spunk.

Login or register to comment