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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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If Twilight read this story, what would she do to you?
8243856
excuse me?
Did you even read the story?
This could really use an editor, it's far too brief and cluttered to have the impact that you're looking for. I'd suggest spacing out the paragraphs, expanding upon the story as a whole, and not using such clinical language.
8243962
Okay, what!? It has plenty of descriptive details. Like, why do I keep hearing that statement "Clinical Language", like wtf.
8243970
While being descriptive is key to establishing imagery, scenes of intimacy suffer with lack of subtlety.
For instance:
This sounds less like something intimate and more like something out of a biology textbook. Being tactful allows the story to be more impactful.
8243978
explain the tactful part.
8243982
Sometimes less is more. The more you leave to the reader's imagination, the better the effect in terms of sheer arousal.
Of course, you have to give enough context to allow readers to understand what's going on. But when it comes to length, strive to mean the most in the least amount of words. (This is advice taken from Kurt Vonnegut)
8243994
but, how do I keep it descriptive without it being boring?
8244005
Through experience and practice, which is part of the reason I suggested an editor.
I believe that everyone needs one, regardless of skill level. They'll help you with your structure and prose.
8244017
okay, well thank you so much, it helps a lot, I"ll try to get one.
8244031
Glad to help.
That was fast.
Liked the story, but some of the descriptions were kind of cheesy and a little cliche (especially the death and life bit) but I do like the concept.
8244893
C'mon, if there is one nerd that would wonder If she used to taste like the Sperm in her mouth that nerd is twilight.
Lol all the sperm shit was hillarious. Someone's spent way too much time thinking about spunk.