• Member Since 22nd May, 2016
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Keriwi1


Hi, I'm a girl who just like mlp and have some funny ideas for you ^^

E

That day was like any other for Chrysalis. She wake up and decide to eat on of her preys. One problem, that a prey have hots for her, and it’s no other but annoying little brother of Fluttershy, Zephyr Breeze!

P.S. I want to thank Bligh for begin pre-reader for this story.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

The grammar hurts my head. Neat idea though.

The concept's intriguing, but it's best to get a prereader before posting the story.

Firstly, "pre-reader" implies that they read the story before you put it out. An editor is what you need now that the story's out.

Secondly...

That day was like any other for Chrysalis. She wake up and decide to eat on of her preys. One problem, that a prey have hots for her, and it’s no other but annoying little brother of Fluttershy, Zephyr Breeze!

...compare to...

The day had begun like any other for Chrysalis: wake up from wonderful dreams of total global domination, enhance her natural perfection with the finest beauty treatments royal slime could provide, and feed upon the most loving prey her swarm could find.

This one had even been seen leaving the house of one of those accursed "Bearers of Harmony", a bit of second-hoof revenge would help the love go down all the sweeter. This 'Zephyr Breeze' would make for a most satifying meal to start her day.

It would be perfect.

If you'd like me to I can run through the story itself this weekend, just send me a PM, and I'll get started.

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Thank you but someone already said that would help me.

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Fairy nuff, best of luck.

This reads like it was composed with cell phone voice recognition software...

Definitely needs editor's eyes.

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Version after pre-read is now ready! :twilightsmile:

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