FoaL: Hospital Visit

TFoaL: Flittering Darkness
MLP: FiM
Romance
Join me as I go about my new life in Equestria.
Alt. Universe
Human
Twilight
OC
Other
Flitter and Cloudchaser
Self Insert
Crimson Rain · 1.5k words · 467 views

I was supposed to be going to visit my parents for the holidays. Something went wrong, and the plane crashed.

I woke up in a hospital run by by weird, magical ponies. This is where my new life begins...

Flight of a Lifetime (FoaL) part 1.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

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Inukshuk

Inukshuk #1 · Jun 16th, 2017 · · · New beginning ·

OK here is my honest opinion of this story? (I I have question mark as I notice it said chapter 1 in the description and is marked as complete?)

The first thing I noticed is that this reads like an outline to what should be a larger chapter. You do lots of telling us what happened but never really 'show' us what happened. For example: you mentioned there was a plane crash, that is a great setup for your story and would of made a great scene in the story instead of saying "there was a plane crash".

Flitter seeing the plane going down and pulling out three survivors would be another awesome scene to show us what happened. What was she thinking as she saw this unknown object fall from the sky. What was her reaction to finding these young ponies at the crash site.

There are more opportunities in the chapter to expand on but I think I made my point.

I did not see any glaring spelling or grammar issues so I think you are good there.

This has so much potential and I think you take some time and rewrite this and expand and show us what happened instead of just telling us. (please don't take my criticism to hard.)

Crimson Rain

Crimson Rain #2 · Jun 16th, 2017 · · · Writing home ·

8235662
I do appreciate your criticism. Basically, what this was supposed to be was a skeletal retelling of certain events to be expanded upon more in chapters later to come. The details of the crash and rescue will be told through other survivors in chapter 2, Flitter will get her own POV chapter, and I even plan to write a chapter showing how Jack's disappearance and letters affect his friends and family back on Earth.

There is a plan, do not worry.

Inukshuk

Inukshuk #3 · Jun 16th, 2017 · · · Writing home ·

8236463

If there is going to be a second chapter can you change the status from complete to incomplete?

Basically, what this was supposed to be was a skeletal retelling of certain events to be expanded upon more in chapters later to come.

I still think even with this the case it was not executed quite right. I reread the the story once more the I also see spots where some stuff could be rearranged to make the chapter more engaging. Do you mind if I take a copy of this and put it on gdocs so I can better show what I mean?

Crimson Rain