- Member Since 19th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen 6 days ago
Raptormon132
Blind Commentator, Actor, Voice Actor, Analyst/Reviewer, and Writer
Raptormon132
Joined 19th Oct, 2015 ·
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Ok, definitely giving this a read
A goods story and a happy ending. that's rare to see at such stories. I think It was a good way to improve your skills.
8425807
My only criticism of the end is that it felt like a rushed summary of events rather than narration.
It could have been built up by, for example, giving us a grim hospital scene. The mostly unresponsibe kids are being treated while the detectives wait to question them. The reader will think "oh no, their memories are gone..." only for the positive ending to kick in the form of a wham line - one of them responding to their name. Then we queue the explanation for how they lucked out by vomiting up the potion.
Good fap material, the only minor criticisms being a few grammar/spelling/word choice issues. Also gets a little "telling more than showing" at times. And of course, I discussed the ending in more detail in another comment.
But overall not bad.
8425861
Yes, that would have been good
Please get an editor. But still, made me laugh found comedy in a story that didn't have comedy.
This is... somewhat different from your usual writing. I find your lack of card games disturbing.
Jk idc what you write
A good ending!
But I'm a bit conflicted about the last sentence.
8425760
Hello, theponycaptorproject! Nice of you to drop by, and read my latest story, and for adding it to your Read It Later list. I think you might like it, because this story was inspired by a certain scene in one of the chapters of one of your stories.
And I should tell you that this story is a warm-up for the big clop/rape-fic project I plan to start writing soon. I hope it's a good warm up. Though I should tell you also that I plan to expand this story a bit more, thanks to the advice given to me by some's posted comment.
8425864
8425861
8425872
You two have just gave me a really great idea.
I think I will do just that, and expand on the story. My dark prequel story to A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner might just have to wait a little longer, but that's okay. I really want to expand this story now that you've inspired me.
8426920
Well, Good luck!
8425914
I guess I did try to add a little hint of humor to this dark story. Especially with the griffons, Glover and Gibson. I should tell you that Glover and Gibson are based the Dragon Ball Z henchmen, Zarbon and Dodoria, with Glover being based on Dodoria, and Gibson being based on Zarbon. Call it a DBZ reference.
Out of curiosity, what scenes made you laugh?
8425937
I'm writing stories like this to warm up for a very dark clop/rape-fic prequel story to my story, A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner.
Though I think I might do a Yu-Gi-Oh! crossover fan fic of my OC, Raid Raptor dueling The Yu-Gi-Oh Brony in a fan fic version of the hopeful video of his "A Duel with YugiBrony" series. But The Yu-Gi-Oh Brony would be the victor of the duel.
Would that be good?
8426541
It meant that they had BDSM ideas to do with each other.
Well, don't worry. I'm going to start making more and expanding on the story a bit more.
8426925
Thank you. I'll do my best.
8425914
Also, what was wrong with the writing that you think needs to be edited, if I may also ask?
8427010
Your Welcome!
good story, dose that mem erase drink really erase all mem or just the ones in the last 2 days?
8437424
All of their memories.
BTW Thanks for the follow.
This was an interesting read, loved the couple's rape, I will be looking forward to see what will happen next.
8440436
Though I wish 33 of the people who disliked this instantly thought the same. 
Thanks you.
8441301
I absolutely loved it and I hope you will keep on making an other full story, like maybe they make a new life for them selves and for some reason they continued doing what does two griffins did to them with other fillies and colts or they get recaptured by them and are trained to become sex slaves. I ca't wait to see what will happen next
8441394
I actually have something else in mind already, and it's a positive thing...for the most part.
And I should tell you that I am planning on writing another one sooner or later, but it'll be far bigger, much darker, and horrific than this one, and it's a prequel to my story, A Pop Star, a Princess, and a Prisoner. I'll even show you the story plan.
So that's it. I'm writing this story as a warm-up before I start this big one.
8440436
Found You
This, reminded me of diary of the wimpy kid
8442858
Really? I only saw the first "Diary of The Wimpy Kid" movie once. I didn't like it, though. And I never saw any other "Diary of The Wimpy Kid" movie ever since.
8441984
Did you come here to find him or to read clop?
8442880
Hide and seek in the comics is the new thing now
8443675
I see.
Nice! Given that this story has a happy ending unlike most other stories of this kind, it shouldn't have so much dislikes. FPI, Federal Pony Investigation, right? If I may make a suggestion, of the law enforcement of Equestria has a very low tolerance towards foalnappers, you could make them use lines the police uses in GTA3 (Those are very agressive compared to the other games) and the arrest of the griffins like in Need for speed Undercover. If you want to know how they sound like and the arrest look like, say the word and I send you a Pm with everything. Just a suggestion, you don't have to
8501235
Thanks. I hope so too.
You are correct. FPI stands for Federal Ponies of Investigation. A reference to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, FBI.
Also, please do send me a PM about. I'm interested in what you have suggested. I'd like to get inspiration of anything I can find.
8501272
Right away!
Oh they dun fucked up. They foalnapped Diamond Tiara. You do not fuck with rich ponies.
8509014
Hey you took my guess!!!
8509014
Not going to say anything about who it is, but wait until the next chapter.
BTW Thank you for adding it to your favourites.
All in all not a bad fic, you've definitely got talent as a writer. The only thing I can recommend is to either be a little more thorough with your editing or get somebody to proof read your chapters before releasing them, There were far too many spelling and grammar mistakes to count. 7/10
8509132
Thank you.
Though, I wasn't aware of any spelling and grammar mistakes. I thought I checked them all.
sick. also you had me fooled for a sec, i thought you where gonna have them mem erased for good. nice twist
8509229
Thanks for the correction. I can't believe I didn't noticed that.
I thunk it’s Sweetie Belle.
They are talking about getting carried in a chariot, right?
Other suggestion:
If you make a complete rewrite of an chapter, don't just change the text but post a complete new one instead and make the other one invisible. Otherwise it's hard to notice the chapter had been changed at all.
I only got a notificaton whan you had added this current chapter.
8510395
Either that, or being carried with rope tied around his waist, with Thunderlane and Rainbow Dash tied to each side, hulling him like cargo. Most likely, it would be the latter, since they need to get there in a hurry. So no time to hire a chariot.
Whoever they kidnapped, they will pay! Good work! I already can imagine how it could go. A SWAT team immobilizeing their getaway vehicle, Brief Case grapping one griffin by it's chest and Rainbow and Thunderlane kicking the other, like in the 3 arrest scenes I showed you. And it's nice to see that I'm not the only one who thinks that Rumble's and Thunderlane's parents have died.
8511743
Well, you'll see in the next chapter.
For making Rumble and Thunderlane's parents dead: It's because I read a lot of fan-fics involving Rumble and Thunderlane with their parents being dead, so I went with that because the fandom believes that.
Also, the scene where Rumble and Thunderlane embrace, and Thunderlane tearfully said "Rumble...I...I thought I lost you like we did mom and dad." was inspired by a heartwarming scene from the 1983 movie, The Outsiders. Here's a video of the scene it was inspired by, though it is not a real good quality one.
Personally, I don't really think Rumble and Thunderlane's parents are actually dead, just probably not shown on screen. Sorry if I really disappointed you.
8513040
I see, makes sense and it's fine.
You had quite a lot of grammar mistakes when it came to this, and you misspelled a lot of words as well. I think you should get an editor, that would give the stanzas a lot more sense to it. Other than that it was an interesting read and I loved the couples rape.
8523348
You're the second or third one who's said that about this chapter. I know I need to fix them since I can't seem to find any no matter how many times I check it. But I don't know where to find editors or proofreaders who are up to the task. Plus, I'm a careful man when it comes to asking things like that. The last thing I want is to get it edited and proofread by the wrong person.
Could you perhaps give me examples of what grammar mistakes and misspelled words I'm not seeing that I need to fix, if it's not a hassle?
You are very welcome! What exactly did you use? I could't figure it out. As for Tiara, shh, calm down, Silver and your father will be here for you. It's good that they didn't kidnap Silver as well. I don't how hoe spooiled would react to this (or if she would even care) But Filthy will make them pay, that's for sure!
8509014
8523487
I sort of used the scene from https://youtu.be/2pWOLRA6y-c?t=3m6s for when Brief Case, Thunderlane, and a royal guard tackled Glover, arrested him, and in a fit of rage, Thunderlane kicks Glover in the balls as hard as he could and said "That was from my little brother, to you.".
Who is this "spooiled" you speak of? I just hope it's not a character in the show that I don't know about yet. If it is, then https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9T2VRuHUS4.