• Member Since 7th Jun, 2017
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Natedogg2006


I've never called myself a brony, now I'm writing mlp fanfiction and enjoying it.

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Rainbow Dash is stuck inside with Fluttershy. Without much to do they find themselves lazing about on the couch reading and generally enjoying each others company/ trying not to be bored. But something is wrong, Rainbow knows it. The only problem is if she can be uncool long enough to ask.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 28 )

Amazing story and just a few grammar mistakes.

Well I like it. The two felt nicely in character and all.

One problem.

Just one.
The I love you. That tends to come later. I would say the kissing normally would too, but this is Dash and Fluttershy is her longest friend so blowing that off early is a sure probability. I would have had the I love you come as a high point near the end of the story when they are out on a date, someplace alone and one initiates a cuddle and then they exchange those famous words.
I actually started writing too because I wanted more stories with Fluttershy and Dash being in character.

But yea, good story. I hope to see more.

The main issues I have are the reasons for this, 'coming together for sleepover' portion. From what I understand, Rainbow Dash came to Fluttershy's place because the rain ruins her napping places to the point she has to stay at Fluttershy's.

The question is, why? Pegasi control the weather, and Rainbow Dash is their best pegasus for that. Because of that, it doesn't come at an unexpected time for Rainbow to have her plans ruined. The other problem is, Rainbow Dash has a house herself, and that's never brought up. It may be a cloud, yes. But Cloudsdale is an entire city of clouds. If a house in the skies was ruined every time a light storm or rain occurred...
...Actually, if that were true, pegasi would have quite the work cut out for them keeping their Cloudsdale city maintained.

Anyway, besides those reason, I really loved the direction this story went.

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lillytheomegawolf- I know it seems forced on such a short story, it is an issue I have with a lot of shorter stories. But I actually wasn't planning on more to this story, minus a small epilogue that only came to mind because of how long writing this actually ended up taking. Just wanted it to have that, I guess pay off, moment. Thanks for the advice either way though

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Skylight77-
It would probably take a little more world building then I intended to properly plug these plot holes, but you do bring up good points. It's something I'll consider, thanks

Thank you for the comments everyone. You wouldn't believe how jazzed I got just to find that people had read it, much less liked it.

Ok, turns out I'm not sure how to edit and make the changes stay. Maybe I'll get around to those changes when I get more familiar with the site

Okay, I get you're new to this so I won't downvote or be too harsh and I'll see where it goes. but I had an issue with Dash's reaction to Fluttershy asking her out. Yeah, she typically doesn't like to appear emotional or bothered by anything but she has to have some rationale for doing it otherwise why do it at all? It feels weird that she'd just do it on a whim and kinda takes the stakes and drama out of the situation.

I see what you're going for though and with the tiniest of tweeks it could work. The story "Too Shy for a Rainbow". had Rainbow react in a realistic manner without coming across too sappy. In it Rainbow said She wasn't sure if she returned Fluttershy's feelings but would try it any way out of loyalty to her friend citing the fact that Fluttershy has put up with Rainbow's flaws for so many years. This allowed Rainbow to accept while still retaining her non-sentimental personality. It still made it seem like she gave more than a passing second's thought's into it. like she took it seriously. Making some kind of commitment whithout properly making one.

It may have been unnecessarily for the story but it still had a good point to it. It was also cute Flutterdash which is also a win

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Thank you so much, I was really worried I ruined what I had going

Woohoo. Thank you so much everyone for getting this to 400 views

9241474
Yes, very much so. It was my first story. Glad you decided to check it out. Not terribly sophisticated, but I still like it. I'll buy your first round of insulin

600 views on my first story ever, some year and a half since I first put it out there. Thanks too everyone who's read and helped me since then.

A rather nice job on the atmosphere and the characters, managed to elicit some feelings. Having Greensleeves playing in the background while reading this also helped :twilightsmile:

However, there are quite a lot of recurring issues that break out the reader of the atmosphere before they can get fully invested in the story. Namely it was mixed up your/you’re, then/than, the lack of apostrophes in possesive case and also some tense inconsistencies here and there. You have done well with dialogues though.

9496339
Yeah, I'm not a very good writer. I do appreciate constructive criticism though. Your and you're I thought I did a good job policing, but this was my first story. Then and than is one I know I always get wrong. I'm also pretty sure I don't do quotations correctly. Though I think I'm doing possessive correctly nowadays. Maybe it's time for a mass edit of all my stories. Or maybe I'm just looking for reasons to stall on my current ones. Thanks for the complement either way.

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You also made me look up Greensleeves. Not my style but not bad. I could see how it would be good to read to.

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You are welcome, I’m taking into consideration this is an older story. Still, those are just little slip-ups, so you don’t need to be that hard on yourself. (Still, it’s better than if you considered yourself the best of the best!)

As for your/you’re and so on, I have found that it is good to keep a chart containing and explaining the use of the different forms. Then you can just use Ctrl+F on the chapter, find the words you want to check and compare them with the chart. As for direct speech, I can’t say you got it 100% right in the chapter, but given there was no glaring issue that I noticed, you are still doing far better than a majority of writers on this site.

9496356
I guess one could say that it Sounds Cool, despite being a few hundred years old ;)

And now 800. I'll probably keep celebrating until one of my stories hits a thousand.

My first story ever has reached 900 views. Thanks so much everyone.

My first story ever, and it's finally broken 1K. Thanks to everyone who's enjoyed it so far.:raritystarry:

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Twas my first story and it shows, but I still like it at least for getting this wholething started. It's not a very good story from an objective standpoint but I still like it and I'm glad you found something to like in it too.

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