• Member Since 28th Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen Sunday

Saberking2012


Would love to have more followers, readers and (constructive) criticism. Please and thank you.

T

*Takes place several weeks after Friendship Games. Inspired by SciTwi Shimmer-Book 2: It's Time To Leave*

Twilight has always been the quiet one. The one who usually keeps things to themselves but lately, her control over Midnight has gotten worse and not knowing what to do, she resorts to talking to the one person she knows. The only question is how will she do that when the one person she's suppose to trust is the one she fears?

Co-Writer-GhoulDash97
Editor-Snipinexpert(Former)

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 40 )

8507229 Thanks. Also, crag, I missed that. Thanks for catching that. I just hope this will stand a better chance.

First off, this really has piqued my interest as to what's to come. The nightmare involving Sunset really shows the amount of guilt Twilight has accumulated after the Friendship Games.

Second, I'm honored that my story inspired you to write this.

Finally, I'll be giving this a like, favorite and a tracking. :twilightsmile:

very interesting story

8507324 A)it'll have that kind of damage when said circumstances happen. B)And it was a honor to read it and C)Thanks. I hope it won't disappoint.

8507745 Thanks. There's more to come later.

8508259 I know but I missed something in that paragraph. It's fixed now.

Who made the picture?

8512907 No idea. Moreover, you've asked me this before and you've never answered my question/s.

8512907
Here's the artist's deviantart: bloodypink-m

8512978 Thanks for verifying this.

Dying as I wait for the second chapter...:pinkiecrazy:

When's the next chapter?

8513019 Thanks. I can assumed you liked it? Also, haven't seen you awhile.


8513044 Not sure. It's still being edited so... Also, this is a first. Usually you just favorite my story/s and that's the end of it. Glad to see you here lol. How are you?

Comment posted by Paige deleted Oct 27th, 2017

8513169
I liked it. I'm just basically "dying" right now. So many unfinished stories... I"M GOING CRAZY!
Also I'm trying to cover all of your stories. And another person's, and another person's, and another person's... THERE"S TOO MUCH!

8578037 Thank you for the review. It is unfortunate that it was a hair away from passing(although I thought if a story obtained a 7, a second reviewer was in order. Nevertheless, it's fine). I'll try to fix it soon but at least that was the only issue I had.

I think I spotted 2 grammar errors

what was Rainbow Dash saying about friends to talking one another?

swap to and talking

Please twilight

uppercase

Also there is something weird going on where you switch between present and past tense. It seemed like it was intentional for a bit, only using present tense for monologue, but it’s not consistent.

8578336 Thanks I'll fix those in a moment. It's present tense for inner but most of it outside if that was meant for past or present. In any event, I can only assume that the story was to yours liking or was I wrong?

What happened to the rest of the chapters? Also, I did answer your questions, right?

8578573 The former only has one and the latter-Yes. Wait... what did you think of this one?

8578561
It was about 55% to my liking :derpyderp1:

8579784 Oh... um... what was wrong with it?

8579874
Before I critique anyhing I should disclose that I’ve never actually watched any installment of EQG (because I always found the designs hideous). I don’t suspect it matters, but I feel like I should still mention it.

Anyway, so two points. One, this story has a habit of conveying a certain tone through dialogue only to then also state that it is conveying that tone. Examples:

"When you are at your weakest, but we have all been there now, haven’t we?" Midnight asked, mocking me.

"What good can you do? [...] for their own selfish, trivial needs," she said, filled with malice.

"Nothing? From the way you were reacting towards me, that's far from the truth,” she answered in a blunt manner.

You could say “show don’t tell” here but I think it’s more “don’t show and tell the same thing”. If you’ve already shown me, I don’t then also need ot be told it. Other instances where you didn’t show before you told are fine.

Two – and this was the main thing that took me out of it – lines like this:

"Let's talk about this, Twilight. I hope that we can find a way to resolve this dilemma you’re having."

gah! Way too articulate! She could have said something like “I know we can help you.” or “maybe we can figure this out” or anything. But “I hope that we can find a way to resolve this dilemma you’re having” is not something any person or pony or humanoid pony says... not in that situation, anyway.

At least that’s how I feel about it.

Another lesser instance of the same thing is this one

"No!" Sunset shouted. "Please Twilight? I want to help you overcome whatever problem is making you act this way, but if you won't let me, then I will have to stay here until you do."

In general I’d say be less formal in your speech when it’s not called for (if it was, if you were writing a level headed discussion, then that would be different(.

Also I spotted two more small grammar things while fishing up these lines:

-" I stated, trailing off once again in an anxious stupor

period missing and

"That's what I do at my finest; Talk to people that are in need.

no uppercase after a semicolon. Although I’d just make this a period.

8579978 I won't lie to you. I was about to dismiss the comment(in terms of story elements) since you didn't see the movies but since the comments you're making do not relate to that, it's something I can use. Alright to answer part one, I'll admit I do have a habit of that(although it's more of telling then showing) and that is why I usually have two editors to check my stuff but I "rushed"(I say that loosely since me and my co-writer took 4 months to write this) it so it would fit the theme of October. On to point two. In terms of dialogue, I was writing them in character and from what I've been told, it seems to be fine(in terms of character and the reviewer that did this never mentioned anything about it being off. Just a few comma misses and basic stuff) but that's just me. As for the other mistakes, thank you for pointing them out. I will fix them asap. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I got held up in something so I couldn't answer. Is there anything else you would like to mention?

8580246
Just that I’m not a representative reader in most regards and tend to be more nitpicky than most, but I think you knew that already :eeyup:

Also the beginning with the dream was cool

8580268 Better then nothing. Your points are valid and I'm glad you thought that. I'm sorry it wasn't 100% to your liking.

I think you are off to a really good start with this. Keep on writing the story! I can't wait to read what happens next.

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8578336 I apologize for the long delay. The next chapter is finally up. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Did I proofread this a few months back? I swear I read it before. :rainbowhuh:

BTW, love how the story is going. Keep it up. :twilightsmile:

who did the artwork its amazing!

Feed is telling me there's a new chapter, but...

8982873 Made edits over the two chapters so that's why I updated it. Unsure when the next chapter will come out considering the lack of readers and my editors are busy. But rest assured, it's mostly done(just need a overlook on a few things and I could publish them all). Once I see an improvement, I'll publish note but at this time, I'm mainly updating anything major.

8982685 Not sure but it is amazing:heart:

8983019
At least you do have readers. Second I saw the new chapter update I came rushing to read it.

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My apologize for the long delay. I was waiting for my editor to come back and assist me but since he's doesn't seem to be coming back, I'll post this chapter now. Hopefully, I'll find another soon. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Man, this is really depressing.

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