• Member Since 20th Oct, 2013
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Sollace


I have done nothing productive all day. I have a Ko-Fi now!

E
Source

Zipporwhill was mad. Angry. Furious.

Fed up with ponies always saying she was 'cute and adorable', giving her the pouty lips and calling her 'their little Princess', she decided there was only one thing to do.

Yes.

Soon ponies will learn to fear the name Zipporwhill, and recognise her for the adorable despot she really is.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 23 )

Well, she's Sombranese, so it should be easy for her. Even if Equestria doesn't have anything for her to hack into...

8397085
Who knows! Maybe she'll hack into _something_ :trollestia:

Awwww that was so adorable :rainbowkiss:

And funny :rainbowlaugh:

And poor, poor royal guards.

8397118
A moment of silence for the guards who had to deal with this. :ajsleepy:

Awwww that was so adorable :rainbowkiss:

Ha, thanks!

I- What? Also, if you're going to assisinate the princess, you have to do it right. First you steal pinkie' s party cannon, then you modify it so it absorbs magic, then you go tirek on everypony in Canterlot, then you go to the castle, steal her and luna's magic, then blast them with it! Hey, why do I hear sirens?

8397132
:rainbowlaugh:

Don't worry! I think they're here for me. Those loony bins are slow to respond.

8397135
Oh good. I don't want to go to horse prison.

*Excited EEEE-ing*
A wondrous tale of the dangers of tyrannical rules, fillies, and adorableness.
And just remember: It's always the ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE ONES i347.photobucket.com/albums/p472/Shardisan/zips_zps9l7qmryj.png

8397154
Always with the dog pone X3

Brimming with might, she swung the blade, pouncing upon Princess Celestia before anypony else could befall the wrath of her mighty blade. “ Yaaah! ”

There are some typos that could use work. One actually makes for a funny mental image:

The guards stood to attention. Leaping into action, they jumped to a stance before the princess, holding up their pears ready for battle.

Imagining two guards jumping into battle and holding up pieces of fruit is hilarious.

There's also a question of "why?" Why does Zipporwhil want to assassinate the princesses.

Also, if it's because of the tiara, why not start with a smaller and more convenient target: Diamond Tiara?

8397370

Imagining two guards jumping into battle and holding up pieces of fruit is hilarious.

X3

Thanks! No matter what, there always seems to be at least one typo to slip through.

Also, if it's because of the tiara, why not start with a smaller and more convenient target: Diamond Tiara?

DT's small apples. If you want to have an effect, you've to go big! And what could be bigger than Princess Sunny's butt?

It is a valid point though, and thanks! :twilightsmile:

Hikaye harikaydı! Karakter gelişimini ve sahneler arasında geçiş biçimini sevdim! Açıklamanız beni mutlu etti ve umarız iyi olur! Sos çamaşırların içine koymadığınızdan emin olun!

8433419
Um, thank you! Sorry, I don't really understand Turkish (google translate).

This is a cute idea, but the text itself needs a lot of editing and feels unfinished. In its current state, I could not give it a thumbs up. :ajsleepy:

There are several incomplete sentences, confusing descriptions, and even some misspellings (into different words) that kept me from following the story properly. I strongly recommend that you devote time to fixing such mistakes before publishing. Perhaps even find someone else to preread and edit your work! It will make your future stories much stronger and earn you more positive reviews.

8603764
Thank for the comment! I do try to find as many of the mistakes that I can, and did get some prereading on this fic before posting it, but I suppose it obviously needed some more.

I'll go through it again and let you know when I can get the fixes out. Sorry. ^^'

Well... that happened.

I couldn’t find a better sentence to sum up the ending. I surely didn’t see this one coming :rainbowlaugh: Also, I wonder what Zipp’s parents will say about that...

I really enjoyed the first two chapters, curled by the epic build-up with Zipp planning and pushing forth due to the most unexpected of circumstances. These two chapters were very great representatives of both the Comedy and (moderately) Random genres. Compared to them, the third chapter simply wasn’t as good and didn’t really show the reader what the first two chapters promised. To be honest, if I didn’t check the long description again, I wouldn’t know why Zipp was doing it all in the first place. Also, what about that secret weapon of hers? We didn’t see the one in the end. I think that also a part of my lack of enthusiasm for the last chapter were the crusaders. Don’t get me wrong, I like these fillies and all, but they simply didn’t have any significant role in this story, rising only more questions. Looking at the beginning, it seems that Zipp isn’t aware of their disguise. So, were they just randomly pretending to be a guardsmare? Or were they some super secret part of her plan? If yes, how did they infiltrate the guard? From the point they reveal themselves, I don’t know what their role was supposed to be. They were just sitting by, watching the assassination take place, with suddenly drunk Sweetie mumbling something comedic from time to time.

I feel like my comment may come off more negative than I intended (and mainly, make it seem like I didn’t enjoy the story), but I think sugarcoating it wouldn’t really help in terms of improvement. So, to sum it up:

The idea behind this story is very original, I haven’t seen anything even vaguely similar before. Chapter one and two were a really good laugh with many nice twists and turns, as well as some good references thrown into the mix. Chapter one was also pristine both grammar- and spelling-wise.
Chapter three didn’t really reach the level of the previous two and lacked some sort of proper climax, but it still managed to draw a chuckle out of me at times. So, have an upvote!

8664841
Thanks for such a detailed comment.

I can... kind of understand the sentiment about the CMC. It was always intended for them to be involved, but to really be a bit of a mid-story surprise where the reader is concerned. I could have definitely done a bit more with them, though.

As for the secret weapon: She did take something out of her cart. It just might've not been as effective as she'd hoped it would be. :derpytongue2:

I will consider these whilst working on the improved version. (so far it's looking like the majority of the work comes into the latter part of the fic... :/)

8665403
You are welcome :pinkiesmile:

I thought there was something more beside the sword. My bad :scootangel:

so far it's looking like the majority of the work comes into the latter part of the fic... :/

That is quite normal, I’d say. The beginning is what you started with and you are just subconsciously looking it over anytime while continuing to write. Also, when doing the check-up, your attention is at its best at the beginning.
If you need another pair of eyes to help comb for errors in the rewrite, feel free to send me a PM or drop a comment :ajsmug:

8665496

f you need another pair of eyes to help comb for errors in the rewrite, feel free to send me a PM or drop a comment :ajsmug:

I'll be sure to remember! I've already Shard, but he's a little buried in College work now.

Lovely. The little filly really wanted to be grown up before the right time but she is just too cute. She is like many of us who need to be content with who we are. There is a great lesson in this story.

Weaponized cuteness.

And we thought Sweetie Belle was the only true weilder of this power.

Meanwhile the guards are thinking, "I do NOT get paid enough for this sh*t."

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