• Member Since 6th Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

DeshLune


I'm a simple person who dislikes very little and hates even less; I like (or even love) a few things: reading, gaming, Pinkie Pie, and writing; I even take story requests~!

T
Source

(First Person)(Mythical Timeline)
What would you do to be brave, courageous, or kind? For one mare she will save the world, or that is what she wants to do; but she can't do it alone, and that is where her friends come into play. Her new friends.

Night Zone will need to be strong when a certain, ancient, enemy returns. She has the help of her friends, or does she? She, however, does all within her power to achieve her dream: to be a hero. Is she alone, or does she have the aid of her friends?


Edited/Proofread by: Pencil Melody

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 18 )

Her name is Sparlight Twinkle… er… Princess Sparlight Twinkle. She is one of the six Alicorn Princesses; Sparlight, Luma, Solarsta, that baby, the mother, and--

Flaming derfmuffins! Nu! I missed something!

Her name is Sparlight Twinkle… er… Princess Sparlight Twinkle. She is one of the six Alicorn Princesses; Sparlight, Luma, Solarsta, that baby, the mother, and—

Sorry, OCDness.

~Melly~

8218345
I’ll go and change it then. ^^

Before I read this, what is the Gore tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

8223473
The gore tag is for minor, and at some later chapters more severe injuries. And thanks for stopping by. If I remember I'll let you know (via PM) if things change at a later time.

Is there a question to answer?. . . . . . .
Regardless, I'm your editor and I'm biased. Still, interested in where this goes.
~Melly~

8258870
That starts next chapter. Chapter Five and on for any story (mostly because I forgot to actually add the question).

Um... Chrysalis, Sombra, whatever the name of that Batpony dude is, or a completely original character... yeah. That's all I got, lol.
Also, you're welcome.
~Melly~

8360833
So to start out: no, no, no, and yes. Didn't help much with what the character is though...

^^

So, from the description, I'd change it a tad by just deleting the sentences that just say close to the same thing. Such as her desire to be a hero and speaking on her new friends. Roundabout sentences, you know?

8762829
I, too, am bad at descriptions. I can take a look and see how to best change them (from what I can spot).

First off, you show great imagery in your descriptions. Very well done. Easily envisioned in the mind's eye.

Although, I do see bits and pieces of sentences that require proofreading of punctual mistakes.

Another issue that arises is that the pony seems to be thinking, at least I assume they are thinking with only the speech patterns and no italics to go off of for the most part, on what I'd describe as the random setting of their thought process. A common rule of writing is always make sure what you write down pertains to the story. Filler is only good in padding out television, but the story so far tends to stray a bit before remembering it has a tale to tell. The color and history of the cabinets is a stand out of this issue.

Another issue is the act of show, don't tell. You do show off the imagery quite well. But, tell too much on how she oddly pronounces words. Or, is organized. Or, is fond of being clean. You would be able to cut out a lot of the unnecessary fat within the story if you just regarded these topics subtlely, hinting at them. But, not directly stating them to the audience.

Another thing is priorities. Night gets saved by Twilight, but the book-horse doesn't actually end up being the reason she is saved. It seemed in the story just because. And, Night runs off from a bunch of collapsing buildings...into a another building...with the intent on...getting to safety? She should be trying to go to a nearby hospital, not break inside somwhere.

The setting also jumps too often. From the apartment where a decent portion of the story is devoted to the act of making and eating oatmeal, to the collapsed building, to a mystery home, to a fight scene in the streets. You could just cut out a decent portion of the first scene involving eating, then leave in the building collapse and fight scene. Then, you'd have clear progression of the plot.

8762925
Most of what you say is true. However, parts that are random and filler fit into the story in a different way. The difference between a first and third person writing piece is that third person is more factual and relevant while first person is opinionated and almost random; as in first person things are being filtered through the narrator's (the character the story follows) eyes to be changed how they see or notice things (even if they have no consequence on the story itself), while third person is much more story driven and based in a more sound environment -- everything works for the story.

You noticed some punctual errors? Oh my gosh! I'm so going to poke at Melody for that! XD

I mean, I know she missed a few things, but still! XD

I do agree about the 'show vs tell' but you can use a 'tell' for a joke, setting one up to use at a later date; or even making it into a running gag. That's just my thoughts on it. And it certainly doesn't cover all of them. Some things certainly should have been hinted at subtly while others could have been added or even dropped.

Priorities and setting... um... I've got nothing there. If it seems a little all over the place, the most I can say is: writing with next to no sleep over two days is not very good. This chapter was written within the course of three and a half hours, spread between June 1st and 2nd. It's as tidy as it is because of Melody (for the most part) and all.

I suppose I do have some thoughts on it, not excuses I should add; the priorities are still coming from the narrator (Night) as she tells her tale; while the setting moved from place to place (often times way too quickly) from her lack of clear thought. Though, that certainly doesn't dismiss the quickened pace, nor the jumpy feeling that this chapter presents.

Anywho, thanks for takin' the time ta read this. I have had the thought to go through and fix what I can... but I'd get stuck in an endless loop. It's the one downfall of a larger fic (your story has length too), going back to fix something because it wasn't that good when you have a whole lot more content doesn't do much good. It's better to focus more on the present -- at least that is what I tell myself; otherwise I'd be making rapid changes to all the chapters. The nice part about leaving them is this: you or anyone else can look back later and see the progress you've made as a writer.

My verbose comment aside, I better stop writing before I start rambling on for too much longer. Thanks, again! ^^

8762965
Yeah. I sort of figured that your work had improved rather quickly, so perhaps reviewing a later fic may be more of use to you.

8763058
To be a little more accurate with things. It helps when things aren't on a high constrained time table. But I really do appreciate the comments! ^^

8763438
Ya welcome. Can you...re-review the first chapter of Stable again?:twilightblush:

8764661
Now I've got that song from Moana stuck in my head (and I haven't even seen the movie!). As to the first chapter, I did mention I'd read through it again. I just get caught with all other stories -- or writing my own things (though mostly I just game whenever I'm home as of late) -- as right now I have "175 unread chapters", and I know that isn't very much; but when you've been letting things sit for too long and when you continue adding to that as you finish other things, it will quickly grow larger. Anyway, I'll try to read through it in the next few hours.

8765446
I await your review with anticipation.:rainbowkiss:

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